Since it's been awhile, I should probably write something again. Granted, I've had ideas, but not quite enough energy or motivation to do so. However, I decided to set myself a firm(ish) deadline this time, so here's to hoping (yet again) that I can keep this up. What topic am I going to cover this time around? Will it be another depressing post? That we will have to see, now won't we?
So, considering that I had been neglecting my workouts for the past few months (as in from September to December) and my life in general was filled with more downs than ups (it still is, but that's besides the point for now), I ended the year feeling increasingly sad and fat and ugly and disgusted with myself. And yes, I know...there are going to be two major reactions to this statement: 1) "But why?! You're fine just the way you are! We love you!" And 2) "What's your problem? Why you gotta be so negative? I wake up every day and tell myself that it's going to be an awesome day, that my life is awesome, and that I'm awesome. And guess what? Everything IS awesome! Just be positive (like me)!" Thank you, I get it. Unfortunately, neither one of those is magically going to make me feel better. It's not like either one or both of those flips a switch in my brain and then all is well in my tiny, tiny universe.
However, this self-loathing did, and still does, provide me with enough motivation to start and continue exercising again. And I know...self-loathing isn't a good source of motivation in the long run...or at all, and it's certainly not something I would advise others to do, but I'm taking whatever help I can get at this point, even if it is negative and potentially detrimental to my own well-being. What can I say? It's both sadistic and overly masochistic of me. Now, some of you might be confused as to why I would even deem it necessary to exercise and lose weight. Some of you, for some inexplicable, bizarre reason, think that I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Some of you are fine with the excess curves because that just means that there's more of me to love and whatnot. And some of you don't seem to care either way because you like and love me for, imagine the horror, my personality. I just think that that's extremely easy to say when one doesn't have that issue oneself. I mean, you don't have to see me every day, be it nude or clothed, you don't see what I see. On the flipside, I don't see what other people see either, so I simply don't get it. In my own twisted little mind, I just think a slimmer, more toned figure will make my life easier...and I fully realize, how faulty and effed up that line of thought is. Maybe if I were to lose enough weight and be able to mold my body into a more visually pleasing shape, maybe if I can get the physical appearance of my body under control, everything will magically fall into place. Super effed up, I know.
And so, I started the partially grueling process of working out regularly (borderline excessively even) and doing my best to watch what I eat (this isn't just because of my weight though). I also would like to stress that just because I'm crazy and engage in borderline self-harming behavior, that I don't feel like everyone should follow in my footsteps. Quite on the contrary, all of my love and acceptance and positivity goes out to other people. I'm fine with you the way you are, unless you're an a-hole, and I would never ever want you to do what I do or be the way I am. Well, maybe be a little bit nicer to your fellow humans and animals, and a little less judgmental. Opinionated is fine, judgmental not so much. Yes, I know that that makes me a hypocrite and that I also have double standards (impossibly high ones for me and way more achievable ones for everyone else).
Anyways, since I've started exercising and watching my nutrition again, roughly a month has passed. So, what observations and progress have I made so far? Let me break them down into three parts...
The Good (for the sake of balance):
1. Increase in strength - I can hold planks longer and more easily. Various exercises and moves have become less difficult to complete.
2. More muscle definition - My thighs are firmer, and I can feel the increased muscle mass through the layers of fat. Related to this, is that I can actually feel more of my pelvis and ribs. And yes, I know it makes me sound even crazier, but I do like being able to feel those bones. I know some of you like Miss Bettina because she's so soft, but I would rather be slightly less soft. On the outside, at least.
3. Decrease in size - So far, the areas that have decreased the most have been the thighs (6 cm lost, or approximately 2.4 inches) and the chest area (also 6 cm/~2.4 inches). Granted, I could mourn the gradual loss of my ample bosom, but they are kind of out there. Besides, a) nobody's looking at or touching them anyways, so all of the fat in that area is essentially wasted on me, and b) even at my smallest size as a young adult, they were still more than big enough. So I think both I and all of mankind will survive this loss and live.
The Bad:
1. Injuries - Nothing bad has happened (yet), but I have fallen numerous times. Not to mention, the bruises on the knees and arms, the roughed up skin on my elbows and actually having to deal with achy joints and pinched nerves. In addition to this, I've also discovered the downside of burning off fat: One tends to hurt oneself more easily. For example, I've given myself several bruises on my thighs already because I've somehow managed to poke them a tiny bit too hard with my elbows. Or I've accidentally poked my ribs or pelvis too hard, but I actually find this "bad" to be a sign of something positive.
2. Excessive behavior - This pertains to me possibly exercising too much and occasionally eating too little. As my father told me not too long ago, I don't do moderation well. And it's true, I don't. If I'm going to work out, I'm going to work out as many days of the week/month/year as possible. If I'm going to restrict and police my food intake, I'm going to keep as tight of a leash as possible on it. I'm still trying to learn that rest days are as important as the active workout days. I'm trying to be okay with occasionally eating pizza or fries or something like that. Because I have worked out for almost two hours in one sitting. Because I have suffered from partial and temporary hearing loss due to having disrupted my blood flow with too much exercise or too rigorous a regimen. Because I have eaten so little on some days that I've been an emotional wreck, or more of one, than usual. Because I have also worked out so hard that I've made myself cry, I need to try to ease up just a tiny little bit.
The Frustrating:
1. Fluctuations - This refers to the method I use to numerically track my progress. For this, I measure various parts of my body once a week. Since I do this on my own, it is difficult to tell how accurate these actually are. While it seems that I've been getting smaller in general, I haven't been too happy with the progress in certain areas. As mentioned before, with the exception of this week, I've been losing consistently in the thigh and chest area. Whereas I still lost a cm around my thighs, my breasts gained back two. This doesn't necessarily bother me too much, at least not in that area, but I still had to remind myself that hormones and my monthly cycle will result in me gaining some weight temporarily and therefore also affect some of the measurements. The same thing happened to me in both the waist and the hip area the week leading up to my period. Despite working out roughly an hour a day for 5-6 days a week, I had somehow managed to gain 2-3 cm in each area. This might not make a huge difference to some, but to me that was quite a sizeable jump within the course of a week. I mean, why put in the work, only to see that one has started to expand again? And unlike the breasts, I do place a higher importance on becoming smaller in both the hip and waist. However, with hormones and water retention and various other factors like clothes, there are bound to be fluctuations in the numbers.
2. Rigidity - While my measurements have been showing me that I've been getting gradually smaller, the number on the scale has yet to move. Of course, this is probably largely due to the fact that I've been increasing muscle mass, and until I've lost a bigger amount of fat, I probably won't see my weight decrease. Oddly enough, this doesn't faze me all too much, but it would be nice to see the actual weight loss on the scale. Then again, I might be singing a different tune, if I actually had regular access to a scale.
3. Awareness of weaknesses - There is nothing more frustrating than looking at an exercise, thinking it looks easy, trying to do it...and failing miserably. I've discovered that I can't balance on my right leg for shit. It's true. For some messed up reason, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to balance on my right leg. And it kind of pisses me off. In general though, I tend to get incredibly mad at myself for not being able to do certain exercises. The first time I tried plank walkups, I could not push myself up and fell down...and then I got mad and cried. I'm still not that good at them, but the last time I did them, I could get through a whopping three before my body gave up. Pushups are another weakness of mine. Despite trying to grasp the mechanics of it, I can't complete one 100% properly. However, after watching a video on how to do a proper chaturanga, which is essentially yoga's version of a pushup, I was able to figure out what mistakes I've been making and have been trying to fix them ever since. For some reason, I'm also not that great at side planks, and let's not even start with some of the fancy variations they have of them. This might be more of a problem of me wearing socks when I work out though. If my feet suddenly slip because my socks aren't tight enough, I tend to lose all of the tension that I need for that move and then I wind up falling. I try to make up for this with modifications, but it still irks me.
As for this month, I should at least try to up my cardio since that's going to be key in burning more fat. Sure, some of the exercises I've been doing serve double duty as both strength training and cardio, but I don't feel like I'm doing enough of the latter. I haven't thought it through entirely yet, but I should at least try to aim for 3-4 cardio sessions per week. And of course, I'm still working on fine-tuning the food aspect. Now, as for whether my relationship to myself and my body will improve over time, that remains to be seen and isn't really something I'm focused on right now. I probably should be, but oh well.
Hopefully, I will have more to report on next month, and maybe my outlook and motivation will have changed slightly by then. So, until next time and take care of yourselves! Even if I'm not necessarily the best role model for self-love right now...
