Things I am grateful for

Since today is Thanksgiving, I have decided to compile a list of things/people I am grateful for. Hence the title "Things I am grateful for"... I know, how very original. Just read...or don't. 1) Being back in school: Let's face it, there's nothing more sobering than returning to school and realizing how stupid you are compared to all dem youngsters out there. If I had at least had a job that utilized my educational skills then I could overlook this nagging feeling of inadequacy, but that just wasn't the case. However, I do love being back in school. It provides me with certain challenges that can be quite painful sometimes, but I would much rather take this kind of stress than having to witness the slow and excruciatingly painful decay of my brain. 2) A lack of hand sanitizers: Thank you Germany for not being obsessed with sterilization! Sure I've seen antiseptic sprays, but I can count off on one hand how often I've seen them. You just don't see people here whip out their hand sanitizers everytime they've thought about touching something. If you want clean hands you simply wash your hands with water and soap. What a novel concept, right? Plus, this also means that you won't hear "Oh, I can skip washing my hands. I'll just use the hand sanitizer." after someone uses the restroom. *shudder* 3) Public transportation: I don't have to worry about gas. I don't have to worry about parking. I don't have to worry about traffic. Sure, I have to share a space with other people and sometimes I have to stand in the bus or street car, but I'll gladly do that than be worried about all of these car-related issues. Oh, and you're not necessarily faster if you do decide to drive. So that's out the window too. Here's another bonus for you party people: You don't have to worry about drinking and driving. You can go out and have a few drinks and then just stumble into the bus or street car. 4) Eye candy: Sorry people, I have needs too. The number of attractive people is quite a bit higher here than at my last place of residence. I know: "How dare you be so superficial? Have you looked in the mirror lately?" Uhh, yeah, I have. I know what I look like. I'm not saying that I want to date a skinny or overly pretty guy or anything like that (a wicked sense of humor, intellect, and amazing voice do trump muscle mass), but I can still appreciate physically attractive people. To me it's more like going to a museum and appreciating the various works of art. "Oh, how can you objectify people like that?" It's simple: Until I become acquainted with you on a personal level, you're another living creature sharing this space. It's not like I'm going out of my way to ignore people, but if you don't give me the slightest of clues that you want to interact with me then I'm not gonna bother you. 'Nuf said. 5) The expected: My parents: I would like to express my gratitude for having tolerant and accepting parents. Yes, we have our issues, but when I look at the way some of my friends are treated by their parents and families, I am fully aware that my parents are genuinely good people. They don't care if you're gay/straight/bi/trans/black/blue/Hispanic/Asian/etc., but you can't be an asshole or complete douche. My parents never mentioned how they felt about other groups, so I grew up blissfully unaware of this unnecessary hate and discrimination that so many people seem to have. My parents might have made a few mistakes in their time, but raising a bunch of blindly prejudiced fools was not one of them. 6) My siblings: I have to mention them because otherwise war might break out (j/k...kinda). Both of them still have quite a bit of growing up to do, and they really need to learn how to become more self-aware, but both have their hearts in the right place. So, you two, continue to work on yourselves and everything should be fine. 7) My nephew: Yes, he deserves his own spot on this list. He's such a cutie. I can already tell that he's gonna be a complete heartthrob, and he's going to be one of the coolest people ever because anyone who can enjoy RuPaul, "Gangnam Style," and Family Guy is a shining beacon of hope for humanity. Then again, I am his aunt, so he has no choice but to be cool, right? (I'm not conceited at all...) Who knows, maybe I'm just really grateful to have a disciple to corrupt. *mwahhahaha* 8) The kitties(!!!): Of course, the kitties deserve a place here. They're kinda like my children. My moody, fluffy, children with claws. Without them life would honestly be terrible. Sure they can be irritating, but there is this unconditional love, and in a world filled with people who, at times, fake feelings of love and compassion in order to gain some kind of benefit or advantage, I can come home to my cats and know that they at least don't hate me. 9) The people who accept me for who I am: Some of you know that I have said that life would be easier if everyone just hated me, and it's still true. If everyone hates you then you don't have to care about what you say or do. In fact, I still don't know why you guys like me (or merely tolerate me) or miss me. However, it's you, who make life more tolerable, naughty and fun. 10) Booze: Yeah, I needed one more point so that people wouldn't be confused by a list that only includes nine points. Alcohol definitely is my drug of choice. Seriously, can't you hear my liver screaming. Just kidding, if it were to actually start screaming, it certainly wouldn't be because of the friggin' booze. Anyway, that's it. If you've made it this far without bleeding profusely from your eyes and ears, congratulations! Yeah, that's all you're gonna get. I mean, what do you want? A cookie? Some kind of medal? Get outta here! Get off da friggin' internets and spend some time with your family unit of choice, okay? Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and bonne chance with surviving Black Friday...ugh, I know, I feel so bad for you. All those people going psycho over stuff that they're only buying because it's marked down...I mean, the volume is insane, and try talking to customers with all that noise and suffering from a sore throat...it's like you're at some kind of night club, except the music sucks (well, mainly because there is no music) and there is no booze (wouldn't it be more fun for the employees to be completely liquored up?)...oh wait! Something else to be grateful for: NO BLACK FRIDAY!!! Because it doesn't exist in Germany! Thank you! Yes, winning! Winning! Oh, I mean, oooohhhh... Until next time!!!

Adventures in Dreamland (Episode Zero)

Dark hallways, soft red and pink lights, rooms on either side filled with men and women involved in intimate conversations and other activities. How did I get here? Why am I in this building? Trying not to attract attention to myself, I start to wander past the rooms, highly aware of my own breathing. Every so often I can't help myself and peek into the rooms: Men with their hands on womens' knees and thighs, whispering sweet nothings into their ears. Women seemingly hanging onto their every word and laughing at the appropriate intervals. I know that I'm here for a reason, but I also know that I need to get out as quickly as possible. Right in front of me the hallway opens up into a bigger room filled with more people. What do I do now? If someone sees me, they'll think that I belong here and I will never make it out. I glance around and am relieved that noone is paying attention to me, but as I try to move forward, one of the women looks right at me. Our eyes meet and my breathing stops, but after what seems like an eternity, she gives me the slightest of nods and I sneak past them into one of the few empty rooms. I look around and try to gather my thoughts. I try to calm my racing heart. There is another door I can use as an exit, but as I move towards it, I hear a man behind me. "Excuse me. Where do you think you're going?" Please don't turn around, just run. However, I can't and I slowly turn around to see a man in a business suit. Brown, slicked-back hair, piercing eyes, a no-nonsense expression, and exuding the air of superiority. He isn't the most attractive man, but I can't seem to tear myself away from him and his stare. "You're new, aren't you?" No, no, no, this is a big misunderstanding. I want to explain, but I can barely breathe. Suddenly, someone else joins us: the woman who saw me a few moments earlier. She tries to distract him. "Oh no, you don't want her. She's too inexperienced, but I will be more than happy to assist you." I'm grateful to have her in the same room. "No need. I saw her first and she seems perfectly capable of fulfilling my needs. Besides, if she's so inexperienced, I will see to it that she only works for me. Is that a problem?" "No. No, of course not. Would you like for me to leave?" "No, that won't be necessary. This will be quick." What?! No, this can't be happening. What does he mean with "quick"? I want to defend myself, to run, but I'm trapped in my own body. All I can do is stand and stare, my naturally wide eyes growing increasingly wider. He starts to walk towards me, and I can see a hint of a smirk. It feels like eons have passed before he reaches me, before he stands so close to me that I can smell him, before I can hear his calm and steady heartbeat. His voice is deep, smooth and almost soothing as he places his lips closely to my ear and gives me the first instruction: "Take off your clothes." I take a few steps back and raise my fingers to the buttons on my shirt. Even though I'm so nervous, I somehow manage to skillfully unbutton my shirt and let it fall to the floor. After that, I remove the rest of my clothes until I'm completely naked and exposed. I try to look at him, so he can tell me what to do next. He seems pleased. "Lay down on the bed." I look around for the bed and lay down so I can look up at the ceiling. Pretty soon, I see him lifting up the covers and getting into bed next to me. "Turn around and face me." I shift onto my side and find myself face to face with him. Our noses are touching each other and I can't stand looking him directly in the eyes without my eyes fluttering wildly and threatening to shut on me, so I just stare at his chest. "Put your leg around me." I steady myself by putting my hand on his arm, but accidentally place my leg between his legs at first. Always so clumsy, even here, with him. "Sorry," is all I manage to say and quickly place my leg on top of his. I can feel it, I know it's there, but I'm nervous. Is it the fear to disappoint? I can feel the anticipation building. I can feel him. What if I don't fulfill his expectations and needs? My heartbeat is getting louder and stronger with each passing moment. Why do I care? So close, almost...

Conversations with Myself (Part One)

I can hear her slink up to me. That look of pure disgust and utter amusement at my suffering. I don't want to listen to what she has to say, but she'll say it anyway. She always does. What a mess... You really have a knack for fucking things up. However, I can't say that I'm surprised. It was only a matter of time before you screwed up this relationship. It wasn't a relationship. Not like that. We were...are friends. Really? But you certainly would have liked one with him. What was your plan with this...boy anyway? A bit of corruption? Were you going to take his innocence and introduce him to your world of perversion? Shit! She really knows how to drag out my darkest thoughts. What an annoying bitch! I wouldn't have let that happen... Oh my gosh! That's right, I forgot...he's your SUNSHINE! You really are a piece of work. Was he going to save you from yourself? From your depression? From me? You really thought that, didn't you? So stupid. You know, with your stupidity, I'm surprised that you don't just forget how to breathe. That's really enough. Oh no, I'm not done. Yet. You do know that she's better for him...don't you? Look at you, you're older than him. She's actually in his age group. She's prettier, cuter, probably smarter, quirkier, more innocent...oh, and far less depressing. Just imagine it, a year with you and the kid will be half as cynical as you, on anti-depressants, and contemplating suicide every time he looks at your sad face. Oh, and don't even get me started on the sex. Your last boyfriend couldn't stand the sight of the jiggly mess you've become so much that he couldn't even stomach the thought of fingering you. How was your sex life with the kid going to work out? Were you going to scar him for life? I can't help but feel sorry for him! Poor kid. I know how traumatizing it is for me to watch you masturbate, so I can only imagine what horrors he managed to escape. Her laughter at my misery. I can't stand it. Tears roll down my face and she laughs even more. Yes, I know. I was stupid for thinking that happiness and love would ever be able to find me. She leaves me, but the laughter lingers. I have been defeated by her again, only a hollow shell yearning for death to strike me down. I should be so lucky. My true punishment will be survival and the knowledge that she will return.

Temptation Calling

Or texting, as it was in my case. In order to explain this, and how I came to the realization that I must be stupid, let's go back a few weeks to St. Patrick's Day. Naturally, I was at work because that's where I always seem to be when others are off living life and having fun. As fate would have it, I would wind up repeatedly helping customers in the canning room. One of these customers happened to be a fairly attractive young man whose right leg was wrapped up. I talked to him about what had happened to his leg and found out that he had a tear in his patella. It was light conversation...and then came the shocker: "Are you single?" "Yes." "Can I have your number?" "Sure." Without thinking, I had handed over my phone number to a stranger, an attractive stranger, but a stranger all the same. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to hear from the guy, but, surprisingly enough, he started texting me the next morning.
Maybe I should have taken the texting as a sign. I know I'm a bit ancient when it comes to modern-day courtship (not to mention that I've had so little action that I'm practically still a virgin), but the texting seemed a bit off. However, I decided to overlook it.
Maybe I should have taken the breakdown of my cellphone as a sign that this potential connection was not meant to be. However, I still ignored everything and bought a new battery and phone. Why? Because of a boy.
Another warning sign came up when I offered to meet up with him and got no response. Why would you ask for someone's phone number and not want to at least occasionally hang out with that person?
After about a week of not hearing from the guy, I decided that maybe this wasn't quite meant to be and was determined to occasionally send him texts, but not get my hopes up. Of course, this was the sign the universe needed to throw me a curveball and send him through my line at work. This encounter led to a seemingly renewed interest in communications between the two of us.
He had supposedly helped to set up a fairly popular adult entertainment site on Facebook, which I was able to verify later on. I liked the basic concept of the site and felt that this open view about sex might be a potential unifying factor. Unfortunately, I was then also able to find out, thank you social networking sites, that he was not only in a relationship, but that his girlfriend is also currently pregnant with their child.
Really... I mean, really? REALLY?! PFFF, WHAT THE FRACK?!?! Why would you ask me if I'm single and ask me for my phone number? Why didn't I ask him if he was single from the beginning?
So, I wound up torn between being pissed at him and at myself. Well, I still am. However, I resisted the voices telling me to do what I had seen my sister do: Shoot first, ask questions later. I needed to know if this information was the real deal or just plain false/antiquated, but I didn't want to walk into the situation with guns blazing. I wanted to lure the guy in and then, when he felt safe and comfortable, gently feel my way through to the truth.
Needless to say, that kinda fell through. After telling me that he missed me and really wanted to see me and that we should really hang out at some point (had I not previously suggested this?), I had to tell myself that I needed to find out the truth, and if need be, kick him to the curb.
And that brings us to yesterday... I went on my lunch break, turned on my phone, and received another text from him. We chatted, one thing led to another, and he asked me if I would have sex with him after I was done with work. What? Sex offered to me on a silver platter? The bestest gift anyone could ever offer me? Now let's ignore that I'm going to be standing on my feet for almost eight hours (trust me, I would welcome the time I got to spend on my back afterwards), get off of work at midnight, have to be up at six in the morning, and am therefore supertired (and yes, I get the irony of me still being awake at this time...I mean, I might as well have said yes to the sex). In addition to that, let's overlook me being on my period and not wanting bloodied-up nether regions to be the first sexual impression. Oh yeah, the guy's in a relationship and going to be a dad! And I don't even know if the girlfriend knows about our interactions...
I thanked him for the generous offer (my parents raised us kids to always be polite), but declined due to my schedule. Needless to say, he had a bit of a hissy fit (ever heard of masturbation?). He stated that he could always find someone to sleep with him (yes, it's called your right and your left hands), and of course, my reaction was to get mad and tear into him (you cross the bull, you get the horns), which caused him to apologize (destroying egos, it's a talent). Here's the thing, I'm not a teenage girl blinded by "love," so if you think you can pressure me into having sex with you or doing some crazy shit, that won't work with me. I've had the pleasure of being in abusive relationships early on in my life, and so I've come to learn that I might as well be alone than be a puppet. I was raised to do the right thing, even if that means making some hard decisions. I don't mean to brag, but making hard decisions is my specialty because if someone threatens me with fewer friends and sex, I feel alone most of the time anyway, so even though I care, I know that it isn't worth the pain in the long run.
So, what's the current status? I didn't have sex with him (I would have loved to), he is in a relationship (and she doesn't know about our interactions), and I feel stupid and like the biggest joke in the universe. It's either people who need mothers and therapists, people who want to make fun of me, or who just want to use me for their own selfish agendas.
Now mind you, I don't care about an fwb-type of relationship, or even having sex with someone who is already in a relationship, as long as everyone is on the same page. However, if someone doesn't know about it then they probably wouldn't be okay with these "extracurricular activities," and if you're going to become a parent then you should focus on your child first (at least most of the time).
Anyway, I've cried a little bit, even though I didn't want to. I'm mad at myself for handing out my number and for not having sex (hello, we all know how badly I've been wanting some physical loving!), and I'm upset with this guy.
So, the conclusion is that I must be stupid. However, I'm sure that with a lot of booze and battery power, this crisis shall also pass.