Conversations with Myself (Part One)

I can hear her slink up to me. That look of pure disgust and utter amusement at my suffering. I don't want to listen to what she has to say, but she'll say it anyway. She always does. What a mess... You really have a knack for fucking things up. However, I can't say that I'm surprised. It was only a matter of time before you screwed up this relationship. It wasn't a relationship. Not like that. We were...are friends. Really? But you certainly would have liked one with him. What was your plan with this...boy anyway? A bit of corruption? Were you going to take his innocence and introduce him to your world of perversion? Shit! She really knows how to drag out my darkest thoughts. What an annoying bitch! I wouldn't have let that happen... Oh my gosh! That's right, I forgot...he's your SUNSHINE! You really are a piece of work. Was he going to save you from yourself? From your depression? From me? You really thought that, didn't you? So stupid. You know, with your stupidity, I'm surprised that you don't just forget how to breathe. That's really enough. Oh no, I'm not done. Yet. You do know that she's better for him...don't you? Look at you, you're older than him. She's actually in his age group. She's prettier, cuter, probably smarter, quirkier, more innocent...oh, and far less depressing. Just imagine it, a year with you and the kid will be half as cynical as you, on anti-depressants, and contemplating suicide every time he looks at your sad face. Oh, and don't even get me started on the sex. Your last boyfriend couldn't stand the sight of the jiggly mess you've become so much that he couldn't even stomach the thought of fingering you. How was your sex life with the kid going to work out? Were you going to scar him for life? I can't help but feel sorry for him! Poor kid. I know how traumatizing it is for me to watch you masturbate, so I can only imagine what horrors he managed to escape. Her laughter at my misery. I can't stand it. Tears roll down my face and she laughs even more. Yes, I know. I was stupid for thinking that happiness and love would ever be able to find me. She leaves me, but the laughter lingers. I have been defeated by her again, only a hollow shell yearning for death to strike me down. I should be so lucky. My true punishment will be survival and the knowledge that she will return.