So, this is just something that came to me after I read the latest email from one of my friends, but hopefully it might speak to a few more of you guys:
It's always incredibly painful for me to hear friends say that they think they're unattractive or undesirable or unloveable...and yes, I get it that all of this could be applied to me as well. Hearing them say stuff like that is like a dagger to my heart because it's just not true, and ultimately, it's just poison for the soul. Because my dear friends, you're not unattractive or undesirable or unloveable. You're fine and perfect just the way you are and don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you any differently. You have every right to be loved, every right to be desired physically/mentally/emotionally, by both yourself and someone else. And just because you feel worthless and unattractive, either all the time or just when you're having a bad day/week/month/year, don't allow yourself and other people to treat you that way. Nobody should settle for someone who treats them like shit, like they're replaceable (because you are unique and that's the way it should be), like they're just another notch on the bedpost. Even if you feel like you've hit rockbottom and you deserve to be punished by living forever alone, or worse, spending the rest of your days with someone who neither cares about nor respects you, it's not true.
Trust me, I've been there. I have been in abusive friendships just because I thought that no one else would want to be my friend otherwise. I have done certain things that I knew were wrong and that made me hate myself just because I wanted to belong. I mean, I still catch myself saying incredibly horrible and hurtful things about myself from time to time. Granted, I'm working on not doing that anymore, or nearly as much, but it's still difficult. Loving, or even just liking and respecting, yourself isn't easy. Well, maybe for some of you it is. In that case, I salute you and you are obviously a better, more well-adjusted person than I am. As for the rest of you, most worthwhile and important things don't necessarily come easily. It sucks, I know, but just try to make the effort.
Because you are perfect just the way you are. With all your quirks and supposed flaws. With your perfect or not-so-perfect physiques. Each and every single one of you. So what if they don't invite you to their party because you're too quiet. They're missing out on your awesomeness and wicked sense of humor. So what if she laughs in your face when you tell her you like her because she thinks you're a complete loser for playing games like D&D. It's her loss because she'll never know what a good listener you are, that you'll take care of her when she's sick, that you'll hold her when she cries, or that you'll take care of all her physical and emotional needs. So what if he criticizes your body the first time he sees you naked. He's neither worth your time nor does he deserve to look upon your glorious body. You just do you, be the best you you can be, and know that there is at least one person who accepts you for who you are.
Thanks for reading and I'm going to get off of my soapbox now...well, at least until I find something else that I feel needs to be talked about.
Tuesday, December 09, 2014
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
Stuff I've read: Abortion and the Culture of Shame
I've decided to start a new segment (is segment the right word for this? Maybe series? Doesn't really matter, it's my blog after all.) and it's going to be about various articles I've read. Assuming that I have a lot to say about them. Otherwise, I might wind up overloading the newsfeeds of my friends on FB. I know, I know...you all want to know about my online dating adventures, but I'm just not really in the mood to talk about them right now.
For the first entry of this segment/series I will dive right into the deep side of the pool. Why? Because I'm obviously not the most sane person and seemingly enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. Not really...but sometimes it can be fun and sometimes it is necessary. The topic of abortion belongs to the latter of the two. I read this article on how Texas has created a "culture of shame" when it comes to the topic of abortion, and honestly, it makes me upset. It saddens and angers me. Not just as a woman, but also as a human being. So, is everyone ready for a rant? Oh, and rules about comments (not that I've ever had a problem with them before, but just to be safe...): Let's not get ugly or hateful here, okay? I have to sift through them anyways before they get published, and I would hate to have to delete them. Anyways...let the ranting commence! *cue the trumpets and horns*
*ahem* It's one thing to believe something and have an opinion, but it's a completely different issue to be judgmental and try to force your beliefs on the rest of humanity. For all I care, you can believe in the Great Jewel-Encrusted Bunny in the Sky, but unless I'm interested in converting, don't tell me that it wants me to live my life a certain way. While I do believe that some Christians mean well with being against abortion, I think that most just jumped on the bandwagon and are hiding behind their beliefs to justify their behavior and to exert control over a group of people. Now, I'm not saying that all Christians are like this. I'm also not saying that any of you guys are like this, but a great number of people are. In addition to that, you can still be against abortion, but it's none of your business whether or not a woman chooses to end her pregnancy. Personally, I think abortion should be a last resort and should only happen after the woman has undergone proper counseling to ensure that she has thought this through extensively. And I know what some of you are going to say: There's always adoption! Yes, this is true, but with so many children already going hungry (even in the States) and being neglected by the system and mainstream society (and don't even look at me like that...because it's true), they really aren't that much better off. Oh, and what about that issue of practicing safe sex? Well, let's see...with so much abstinence-only sex ed and the ability to refuse that one's hormonally-addled child receive a well-balanced sex ed or to provide them with one oneself, I can see how one would be confused. Because naturally all children are born with the knowledge of what condoms and pregnancy are... One can't have it both ways! But that's right, religion generally doesn't permit for safe sex or abortions, does it? Do I really have to tell everyone about how religious books like the Bible were written by men, as in mortal men...made out of flesh and blood (and I don't care that God is listed as the author of the King James Bible!)? Even if deities took the time to either personally contribute to or indirectly inspire the authors to write those books, they aren't necessarily the most up-to-date with modern society. Ways of thinking that worked hundreds/thousands of years ago don't or can't be applied to today's society. Just like our current ways of thinking won't necessarily be relevant in the next 50-100 years.
As for the "culture of shame"? The main reason why these women feel regret or wind up becoming traumatized is because of the way mainstream society condemns them for making such a tough decision. Maybe people should ask them why they made the decision they made before they jump to any conclusions, but people tend to be lazy when it comes to things like that. Everything has to be black and white, one extreme or another, otherwise people have to utilize their brains more and thinking's oh-so-hard. (And yes, I'm mad.) Here's a newsflash: Reality consists of millions of shades of grey...or just plain 50. (I know! Focus! Serious topic...)
I just have a bit of advice for everyone, and if you decide to disregard everything else I just wrote, please, please keep this in mind: Try to focus more on being a decent human being and a little bit less on being a good follower of whatever religion you belong to. You are a human first and foremost and everything else should come in second/third/fourth/etc. We all deserve to be loved and treated with respect and kindness. If you do that, I'm sure that your deities will still thank and reward you, even if you didn't follow their teachings as strictly as you "should" have.
There, I'm done. Now get outta here before we all hug and kiss and braid each other's hair.
Until next time...assuming I haven't thoroughly scared everyone off...
For the first entry of this segment/series I will dive right into the deep side of the pool. Why? Because I'm obviously not the most sane person and seemingly enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. Not really...but sometimes it can be fun and sometimes it is necessary. The topic of abortion belongs to the latter of the two. I read this article on how Texas has created a "culture of shame" when it comes to the topic of abortion, and honestly, it makes me upset. It saddens and angers me. Not just as a woman, but also as a human being. So, is everyone ready for a rant? Oh, and rules about comments (not that I've ever had a problem with them before, but just to be safe...): Let's not get ugly or hateful here, okay? I have to sift through them anyways before they get published, and I would hate to have to delete them. Anyways...let the ranting commence! *cue the trumpets and horns*
*ahem* It's one thing to believe something and have an opinion, but it's a completely different issue to be judgmental and try to force your beliefs on the rest of humanity. For all I care, you can believe in the Great Jewel-Encrusted Bunny in the Sky, but unless I'm interested in converting, don't tell me that it wants me to live my life a certain way. While I do believe that some Christians mean well with being against abortion, I think that most just jumped on the bandwagon and are hiding behind their beliefs to justify their behavior and to exert control over a group of people. Now, I'm not saying that all Christians are like this. I'm also not saying that any of you guys are like this, but a great number of people are. In addition to that, you can still be against abortion, but it's none of your business whether or not a woman chooses to end her pregnancy. Personally, I think abortion should be a last resort and should only happen after the woman has undergone proper counseling to ensure that she has thought this through extensively. And I know what some of you are going to say: There's always adoption! Yes, this is true, but with so many children already going hungry (even in the States) and being neglected by the system and mainstream society (and don't even look at me like that...because it's true), they really aren't that much better off. Oh, and what about that issue of practicing safe sex? Well, let's see...with so much abstinence-only sex ed and the ability to refuse that one's hormonally-addled child receive a well-balanced sex ed or to provide them with one oneself, I can see how one would be confused. Because naturally all children are born with the knowledge of what condoms and pregnancy are... One can't have it both ways! But that's right, religion generally doesn't permit for safe sex or abortions, does it? Do I really have to tell everyone about how religious books like the Bible were written by men, as in mortal men...made out of flesh and blood (and I don't care that God is listed as the author of the King James Bible!)? Even if deities took the time to either personally contribute to or indirectly inspire the authors to write those books, they aren't necessarily the most up-to-date with modern society. Ways of thinking that worked hundreds/thousands of years ago don't or can't be applied to today's society. Just like our current ways of thinking won't necessarily be relevant in the next 50-100 years.
As for the "culture of shame"? The main reason why these women feel regret or wind up becoming traumatized is because of the way mainstream society condemns them for making such a tough decision. Maybe people should ask them why they made the decision they made before they jump to any conclusions, but people tend to be lazy when it comes to things like that. Everything has to be black and white, one extreme or another, otherwise people have to utilize their brains more and thinking's oh-so-hard. (And yes, I'm mad.) Here's a newsflash: Reality consists of millions of shades of grey...or just plain 50. (I know! Focus! Serious topic...)
I just have a bit of advice for everyone, and if you decide to disregard everything else I just wrote, please, please keep this in mind: Try to focus more on being a decent human being and a little bit less on being a good follower of whatever religion you belong to. You are a human first and foremost and everything else should come in second/third/fourth/etc. We all deserve to be loved and treated with respect and kindness. If you do that, I'm sure that your deities will still thank and reward you, even if you didn't follow their teachings as strictly as you "should" have.
There, I'm done. Now get outta here before we all hug and kiss and braid each other's hair.
Until next time...assuming I haven't thoroughly scared everyone off...
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Online Dating (Episode Two): Observations and Tips
Yes, I am still alive and you can all rejoice because, for once, this won't be a depressing post! Yaaaay!!! Anyways...the last time I wrote about online dating I mentioned the disaster of a phone call I had with a potential date. Needless to say, that was the first and only time we talked to each other, especially since I received a message from him about one or two weeks later saying that he had fallen in love. Obviously, he managed to find someone who was better versed in the ways of conversation. So, I wish the two of them lots of happiness and plenty of not awkward talks.
Today I would like to write about the things I have noticed about myself and the men on certain dating sites.
First off, am I the only one who feels that online dating is more of a full-time job? To me it just seems that if you do online dating the way these sites advise you to, you almost have to invest a good two to three hours every day, and since I'm guessing that some people (and by some, I mean me) are signed up with more than one site, that adds up. Besides, I should be using that time to do something more productive, like study.
And yes, I have accounts on several dating sites...four to be exact. However, I'm only really active on one of them. The first one (let's call it O) I actually signed up with because they had cool personality quizzes. In fact, I signed up with them so long ago that I am still listed as being in a relationship, which is obviously a lie. It wasn't back then, but it certainly is now. I keep on forgetting that I have an account on that site until it sends me a happy birthday message. Then I decided to try the second one (Z) because I thought I was really desperate (and I liked the commercials...it happens, even to me), but then I took a look at the men using it and quickly realized that I didn't want someone that badly. Maybe that was more of a regional issue though... Site number three (E) was the first German account I set up, but I don't even really use that one anymore because I can't use all of the functions without signing up for a premium membership. As for the last one (P), I again started off with limited access, but I actually purchased the premium membership for this site since it was cheaper without giving too much up quality-wise. This last website is the one that I actually use.
So, before I continue, it's important to note that the things I'm writing about are based off of my personal experiences and opinions, and they certainly aren't representative of the population at large. If you agree with me, great, and if you don't, that's fine too. We can all agree to disagree, as long as we aren't being unreasonably aggressive and immature about it. Most of us should already be aware of this, but since you never know who might stumble across this blog, I feel that such things need to be pointed out repeatedly.
Alright, on to the main show...
I have come to realize something shocking about myself when it comes to online dating, and that is that I can be quite superficial. What I mean is that I am more lenient/tolerant/accepting towards/of guys I meet in person. For example, someone doesn't strike me as overly attractive or I'm just not feeling it, but maybe this person is extremely funny or sweet. Offline, I'll gladly date someone who is incredibly funny over someone who is extremely attractive. Or at least I'll give it a shot, whereas online dating (unfortunately) allows for me to kick the poor guy to the curb without wasting a second thought on him. (Sorry.) There seems to be a whole lot of characteristics/requirements that automatically eliminate most potential partners for me. Should I list them? So we can all witness what a bitch I really am? Now, for the record, these are things that I look for in a potential partner online since it seems that I am very discriminatory if I haven't actually met the person. Sounds weird, but it's true. You can all hate me later.
1) Non-smokers - These are very, very hard to come by in Germany. It seems that the majority of men (online) smoke, be it regularly or occasionally or just whenever they're out with friends drinking. This is actually one of the things that is (almost) non-negotiable for me, regardless of online or offline. I have too many family members who smoke, and I would prefer to not become romantically/sexually-involved with someone who smells and/or tastes like smoke. I will gladly be the bestest of buddies with you, but if you smoke, there is a 99% chance of you staying in the friend zone. Of course, should I ever meet someone who fulfilled all of my other basic desires and/or needs, but smoked, I might make an exception. However, I wouldn't count on it.
2) No children and no previous marriages - This is one of my bitchier requirements (or maybe even the bitchiest one?), but hear me out. I have witnessed and heard about too much baby mama and papa drama, so unless I've met your previous life partner and have been able to judge her (or his, you never know) character for myself, I'm going with the worst-case scenario and staying away from you. As for the children, as much as I love them and would love to be a mom at some point (maybe), I know I wouldn't just be taking on the kids. I would also be taking on the parent, assuming he/she is still alive, and again that is potentially just way too much drama for my liking. This is one of the areas that I would be quite a bit more lenient on in an offline setting. Depending on the person, I wouldn't say no to a previously married father. However, I would require meeting the former spouse and having a conversation with the children (assuming the guy still plays an active part in their lives), once the time is right, to explain the situation and answer any questions. Of course I realize that at my advanced/advancing age that finding someone who hasn't been married (at least once) and who is childless becomes increasingly impossible. So, I'm not entirely delusional, and like I said, I am quite a bit more flexible about this issue when I meet someone in person.
3) No religious affiliations (or open proclamations of political views) - I usually would never think of asking someone about their beliefs (or political views), so why would an online admission about these things deter me all of a sudden? Unless I know you fairly well, I might associate certain personality traits to you if I know ahead of time which church or political party you belong to. So, it's simply a matter of avoiding more potential drama. However, in real life, I don't really care what you believe in unless you are actively harming or using your beliefs to discriminate against other living beings.
4) No major height or age discrepancies, not too far away - I know, really superficial of me. Again, things that are very negotiable...actually ultimately everything is...except for the smoking, I'm fairly flexible about these in person. However, if I can only see the raw data, I will rule out as many people as possible. This is gonna sound cold, but narrowing down the number of men I contact helps me to prioritize, and expend my time and energy more wisely. Again, sorry. Nothing against men, especially the ones online, but I don't know you, so I'm going to have to go off of the information provided.
Since I can't think of anything else to write that will make me look like a superficial beeyotch, let's move on to a few gripes I have with some men on these dating sites and my suggestions for improvement. Needless to say, you don't have to give a crap, in which case, I am curious as to why you're reading this blog to begin with.
Anyways, on to the next list:
a) Pick a decent username - Sites like E and P will actually provide you with a number, so potential suitors can't pass judgment on you just based off of your username. Hey, not everyone wants to hook up with randydude69. (I don't know if anyone actually has that name...and no, it's not mine. My apologies if you do! It's just an example. Don't sue me, I'm just a poor student.) On sites that do allow for usernames, like Z, I would advise picking something neutral. However, if you want to show that you're not looking for anything serious, then by all means, let your username do the talking for you.
b) Include a picture! - Even if it's pixelated because you haven't given me permission to see it (some of these sites, like E and P, don't allow you to see the profile picture clearly without the user giving you consent), just go through the effort of uploading at least one decent photograph. Related to this: Upload one with a clear shot of your face. Please! I think it's great that you have pictures of you having fun on the beach, but I generally don't wind up becoming attracted to someone's silhouette. Oh, and on sites like Z that are a bit more informal: Look, I get it. Sites like this aren't exactly known for creating everlasting love. However, there are still a few basic rules I think one should follow when uploading photos: No impersonations of Ben Stiller's "Blue Steel". It's cute, but best saved for your modeling portfolio and friends. Try to lay off of the topless pics. Thanks for showing the goods, I appreciate it, really, but that's not quite what I'm looking for. No group pictures. Even if you tried to crop the photo, your profile pic should not include fractions of your amigos and/or ex. Just take a friggin' selfie! (Unlike what some other sites might say, I would prefer a decent selfie over a poorly cropped group picture anyday.)
c) Fill out your profile - Come on guys, I went through the effort to fill mine out as honestly as possible, and then I stumble across profiles that haven't even been completed halfway. It's like a slap in the face. So, just do your part because I sure as hell ain't gonna bother writing you if you haven't given me anything to write to you about.
d) Winking/smiling/etc. alone won't cut it - I think it's great that you sent me that smile, but then didn't bother to write. What do you want me to do? Oh hey, that guy poked me. That must mean he likes me! (Maybe I shouldn't have gone with poked as an example...oh well.) So, unless you're smoking hot and I really like your profile, I won't react. If you can't be bothered to at least send me a "I think your profile is interesting.", then I have nothing to say to you either.
e) Try to avoid cheesy lines - If it's embedded in an otherwise sincerely written message, I don't care. However, if that's your opening line and that's all you've got to say, then I get the feeling you just copied/pasted that to a hundred other profiles. I know that people contact more than one person in the online dating world, but you don't have to insult the other person by making it so glaringly obvious that you're just playing the numbers game. You might as well go ahead and admit "Hey girl, I just want to get laid." or "I don't actually want a relationship." Thanks to site Z, I've come to strongly dislike many of my messages. That's probably because many of them are along the lines of "Are you looking for adventure?" (Umm, with you? No.) Also, I don't like being buttered up unnecessarily. I have a mirror, I know what I look like. If you were to ask anyone in my social circle to describe me, words like beautiful and sexy would not be the first words to jump to their minds. More like quiet and awkward. Maybe smart. Maybe. So, I don't need you to feed me lines about how I stunned you with my laser eyes or how I am the epitome of beauty. It reeks of lies, even if you're being genuine. If you still think you need to compliment me on my irresistible appearance, please don't open with it. Wait until we've actually met and have had a few actual conversations.
Now that I've torn into any and all potential dates, which I am sorry about, it's time for me to turn the mirror on myself. I probably shouldn't be so discriminating, even in an online setting. I'm dealing with other human beings (hopefully), so I shouldn't assume that they're all the same. I'm sure that many, if not most, of them are decent people who deserve a chance to be loved. I will readily admit, that I can be sometimes surprisingly superficial when it comes to online dating, and I should try to loosen some of my strict requirements. My goal is to write back to anyone who has gone through the effort of writing me. That is the least that I can do. I should try to upload more pictures, preferably not selfies (even though I don't know how or even if I'll accomplish that). I still have a lot to work on, so just be patient with me. And please remember, this is just based off of my observations and very limited experiences, so what bothers me, might not bother you. This doesn't mean that I hate these guys online or that I now suddenly hate some of you because you smoke or you have been married before or you happen to be 10 cm shorter than me. These are preferences I have in a potential partner, but I'm not expecting to have someone meet all of these, but at least one would be nice.
That's all from my end for now, and hopefully, I'll have more to write about some other time.
Take care everyone! Plenty of love and hugs!
Today I would like to write about the things I have noticed about myself and the men on certain dating sites.
First off, am I the only one who feels that online dating is more of a full-time job? To me it just seems that if you do online dating the way these sites advise you to, you almost have to invest a good two to three hours every day, and since I'm guessing that some people (and by some, I mean me) are signed up with more than one site, that adds up. Besides, I should be using that time to do something more productive, like study.
And yes, I have accounts on several dating sites...four to be exact. However, I'm only really active on one of them. The first one (let's call it O) I actually signed up with because they had cool personality quizzes. In fact, I signed up with them so long ago that I am still listed as being in a relationship, which is obviously a lie. It wasn't back then, but it certainly is now. I keep on forgetting that I have an account on that site until it sends me a happy birthday message. Then I decided to try the second one (Z) because I thought I was really desperate (and I liked the commercials...it happens, even to me), but then I took a look at the men using it and quickly realized that I didn't want someone that badly. Maybe that was more of a regional issue though... Site number three (E) was the first German account I set up, but I don't even really use that one anymore because I can't use all of the functions without signing up for a premium membership. As for the last one (P), I again started off with limited access, but I actually purchased the premium membership for this site since it was cheaper without giving too much up quality-wise. This last website is the one that I actually use.
So, before I continue, it's important to note that the things I'm writing about are based off of my personal experiences and opinions, and they certainly aren't representative of the population at large. If you agree with me, great, and if you don't, that's fine too. We can all agree to disagree, as long as we aren't being unreasonably aggressive and immature about it. Most of us should already be aware of this, but since you never know who might stumble across this blog, I feel that such things need to be pointed out repeatedly.
Alright, on to the main show...
I have come to realize something shocking about myself when it comes to online dating, and that is that I can be quite superficial. What I mean is that I am more lenient/tolerant/accepting towards/of guys I meet in person. For example, someone doesn't strike me as overly attractive or I'm just not feeling it, but maybe this person is extremely funny or sweet. Offline, I'll gladly date someone who is incredibly funny over someone who is extremely attractive. Or at least I'll give it a shot, whereas online dating (unfortunately) allows for me to kick the poor guy to the curb without wasting a second thought on him. (Sorry.) There seems to be a whole lot of characteristics/requirements that automatically eliminate most potential partners for me. Should I list them? So we can all witness what a bitch I really am? Now, for the record, these are things that I look for in a potential partner online since it seems that I am very discriminatory if I haven't actually met the person. Sounds weird, but it's true. You can all hate me later.
1) Non-smokers - These are very, very hard to come by in Germany. It seems that the majority of men (online) smoke, be it regularly or occasionally or just whenever they're out with friends drinking. This is actually one of the things that is (almost) non-negotiable for me, regardless of online or offline. I have too many family members who smoke, and I would prefer to not become romantically/sexually-involved with someone who smells and/or tastes like smoke. I will gladly be the bestest of buddies with you, but if you smoke, there is a 99% chance of you staying in the friend zone. Of course, should I ever meet someone who fulfilled all of my other basic desires and/or needs, but smoked, I might make an exception. However, I wouldn't count on it.
2) No children and no previous marriages - This is one of my bitchier requirements (or maybe even the bitchiest one?), but hear me out. I have witnessed and heard about too much baby mama and papa drama, so unless I've met your previous life partner and have been able to judge her (or his, you never know) character for myself, I'm going with the worst-case scenario and staying away from you. As for the children, as much as I love them and would love to be a mom at some point (maybe), I know I wouldn't just be taking on the kids. I would also be taking on the parent, assuming he/she is still alive, and again that is potentially just way too much drama for my liking. This is one of the areas that I would be quite a bit more lenient on in an offline setting. Depending on the person, I wouldn't say no to a previously married father. However, I would require meeting the former spouse and having a conversation with the children (assuming the guy still plays an active part in their lives), once the time is right, to explain the situation and answer any questions. Of course I realize that at my advanced/advancing age that finding someone who hasn't been married (at least once) and who is childless becomes increasingly impossible. So, I'm not entirely delusional, and like I said, I am quite a bit more flexible about this issue when I meet someone in person.
3) No religious affiliations (or open proclamations of political views) - I usually would never think of asking someone about their beliefs (or political views), so why would an online admission about these things deter me all of a sudden? Unless I know you fairly well, I might associate certain personality traits to you if I know ahead of time which church or political party you belong to. So, it's simply a matter of avoiding more potential drama. However, in real life, I don't really care what you believe in unless you are actively harming or using your beliefs to discriminate against other living beings.
4) No major height or age discrepancies, not too far away - I know, really superficial of me. Again, things that are very negotiable...actually ultimately everything is...except for the smoking, I'm fairly flexible about these in person. However, if I can only see the raw data, I will rule out as many people as possible. This is gonna sound cold, but narrowing down the number of men I contact helps me to prioritize, and expend my time and energy more wisely. Again, sorry. Nothing against men, especially the ones online, but I don't know you, so I'm going to have to go off of the information provided.
Since I can't think of anything else to write that will make me look like a superficial beeyotch, let's move on to a few gripes I have with some men on these dating sites and my suggestions for improvement. Needless to say, you don't have to give a crap, in which case, I am curious as to why you're reading this blog to begin with.
Anyways, on to the next list:
a) Pick a decent username - Sites like E and P will actually provide you with a number, so potential suitors can't pass judgment on you just based off of your username. Hey, not everyone wants to hook up with randydude69. (I don't know if anyone actually has that name...and no, it's not mine. My apologies if you do! It's just an example. Don't sue me, I'm just a poor student.) On sites that do allow for usernames, like Z, I would advise picking something neutral. However, if you want to show that you're not looking for anything serious, then by all means, let your username do the talking for you.
b) Include a picture! - Even if it's pixelated because you haven't given me permission to see it (some of these sites, like E and P, don't allow you to see the profile picture clearly without the user giving you consent), just go through the effort of uploading at least one decent photograph. Related to this: Upload one with a clear shot of your face. Please! I think it's great that you have pictures of you having fun on the beach, but I generally don't wind up becoming attracted to someone's silhouette. Oh, and on sites like Z that are a bit more informal: Look, I get it. Sites like this aren't exactly known for creating everlasting love. However, there are still a few basic rules I think one should follow when uploading photos: No impersonations of Ben Stiller's "Blue Steel". It's cute, but best saved for your modeling portfolio and friends. Try to lay off of the topless pics. Thanks for showing the goods, I appreciate it, really, but that's not quite what I'm looking for. No group pictures. Even if you tried to crop the photo, your profile pic should not include fractions of your amigos and/or ex. Just take a friggin' selfie! (Unlike what some other sites might say, I would prefer a decent selfie over a poorly cropped group picture anyday.)
c) Fill out your profile - Come on guys, I went through the effort to fill mine out as honestly as possible, and then I stumble across profiles that haven't even been completed halfway. It's like a slap in the face. So, just do your part because I sure as hell ain't gonna bother writing you if you haven't given me anything to write to you about.
d) Winking/smiling/etc. alone won't cut it - I think it's great that you sent me that smile, but then didn't bother to write. What do you want me to do? Oh hey, that guy poked me. That must mean he likes me! (Maybe I shouldn't have gone with poked as an example...oh well.) So, unless you're smoking hot and I really like your profile, I won't react. If you can't be bothered to at least send me a "I think your profile is interesting.", then I have nothing to say to you either.
e) Try to avoid cheesy lines - If it's embedded in an otherwise sincerely written message, I don't care. However, if that's your opening line and that's all you've got to say, then I get the feeling you just copied/pasted that to a hundred other profiles. I know that people contact more than one person in the online dating world, but you don't have to insult the other person by making it so glaringly obvious that you're just playing the numbers game. You might as well go ahead and admit "Hey girl, I just want to get laid." or "I don't actually want a relationship." Thanks to site Z, I've come to strongly dislike many of my messages. That's probably because many of them are along the lines of "Are you looking for adventure?" (Umm, with you? No.) Also, I don't like being buttered up unnecessarily. I have a mirror, I know what I look like. If you were to ask anyone in my social circle to describe me, words like beautiful and sexy would not be the first words to jump to their minds. More like quiet and awkward. Maybe smart. Maybe. So, I don't need you to feed me lines about how I stunned you with my laser eyes or how I am the epitome of beauty. It reeks of lies, even if you're being genuine. If you still think you need to compliment me on my irresistible appearance, please don't open with it. Wait until we've actually met and have had a few actual conversations.
Now that I've torn into any and all potential dates, which I am sorry about, it's time for me to turn the mirror on myself. I probably shouldn't be so discriminating, even in an online setting. I'm dealing with other human beings (hopefully), so I shouldn't assume that they're all the same. I'm sure that many, if not most, of them are decent people who deserve a chance to be loved. I will readily admit, that I can be sometimes surprisingly superficial when it comes to online dating, and I should try to loosen some of my strict requirements. My goal is to write back to anyone who has gone through the effort of writing me. That is the least that I can do. I should try to upload more pictures, preferably not selfies (even though I don't know how or even if I'll accomplish that). I still have a lot to work on, so just be patient with me. And please remember, this is just based off of my observations and very limited experiences, so what bothers me, might not bother you. This doesn't mean that I hate these guys online or that I now suddenly hate some of you because you smoke or you have been married before or you happen to be 10 cm shorter than me. These are preferences I have in a potential partner, but I'm not expecting to have someone meet all of these, but at least one would be nice.
That's all from my end for now, and hopefully, I'll have more to write about some other time.
Take care everyone! Plenty of love and hugs!
Sunday, April 20, 2014
From Sad to Zen and Back Again
First off, something positive: To those of you who celebrate it, happy Easter! To those who don't (or aren't), happy Sunday or Monday or whatever day of the week it happens to be for you.
Now on to the actual entry...
For those of you playing the home game, you are already familiar with the ginormous breakdown I had or had been suffering from for the past two weeks. Well, the good news is that everything actually managed to stabilize and I became very calm and, dare I say, borderline content. This state of mind lasted for three days straight (three days!)...and then I went to visit one of my relatives today. (I won't say who exactly, but it's not like it's that hard to figure out.)
Out of necessity, I've had to learn how to censor what I say around this particular individual, mainly because she always manages to find a chink in my armor and inevitably says things that wind up pissing me off. Unfortunately, since I can't really tell her off or punch her, this anger just gets bottled up and I eventually start to become depressed (and yes, in some cases even cry). And so, even though this visit started out very innocently, I almost started yelling at her by the end of it (hormones may be partially to blame for this, but only partially...I would've still been aggravated otherwise).
These are some of the things I had to listen to: I'm too close to my parents (never mind that I didn't live with them for about four years and that several thousands of miles are currently separating us); I should just stop visiting them (that would also include any and all of my American friends and my cat), and instead just find people to do stuff with (we don't have to be actual friends, just people who can get along with each other...because those are so easy to find! Hey, let me put out an ad on Craigslist: Lonely and desperate female looking for people to do stuff with her...or to her...I don't care! Not really looking for anything long-term. Heck, you don't even have to like me, just so long as you hang out with me!); the United States isn't good for me (while this may be somewhat/mostly true, Germany hasn't been that good for me either, but hey, I'm completely to blame for that one); I'm 28 and could be married and have kids by now (thank you for rubbing salt in the wound that I am a failure not only on the academic, but also on a personal, level); yadayadayada. So yeah, tons of fun for everyone...
Of course, the fun can't stop there because I wind up calling my parents (you know, the ones I have an almost Bates-esque relationship with), and the shit hits the proverbial fan for the second time in one day. Usually, I talk to both my mom and my dad, but this time, I only get to talk to my mom. Hmmm, this is strange. I wonder what happened to Dad? Well, he either wasn't home or he just didn't want to talk to me. As it turns out, the blog entry about the sad panda got him pretty upset...and by "pretty upset" I mean he's one mouse click away from booking my return flight home. His main worry is that I'll slit my wrists, hang myself, throw myself from one of the bridges in the area, overdose on drugs, die from alcohol poisoning, blow my brains out, get killed by one of the many random strangers I will inevitably be having unprotected sex with (I should be so lucky), or any combination thereof. Considering that he's seen firsthand how out of control depression can get, I kinda get why he would be worried...BUT it's a little too late to be worrying about lil ol' me. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Nobody paid attention then, nobody needs to now. Besides, if I wasn't able to end everything back when I was younger, guess what, ain't nuthin' gonna happen now. What?! It's true! We all know that I'm just playing the waiting game at this point. Aren't you glad that you are reading this depressing crap? You're probably as happy as I am writing it...
Anyways...right now it just feels like I've taken two steps forward and one step back. And no, nobody needs to alert the police, nobody needs to have me institutionalized. Seriously, if you do, sad panda will become angry panda, and then nobody will be happy. Capiche?
Please join me next time for more chaos and drama...or don't.
Now on to the actual entry...
For those of you playing the home game, you are already familiar with the ginormous breakdown I had or had been suffering from for the past two weeks. Well, the good news is that everything actually managed to stabilize and I became very calm and, dare I say, borderline content. This state of mind lasted for three days straight (three days!)...and then I went to visit one of my relatives today. (I won't say who exactly, but it's not like it's that hard to figure out.)
Out of necessity, I've had to learn how to censor what I say around this particular individual, mainly because she always manages to find a chink in my armor and inevitably says things that wind up pissing me off. Unfortunately, since I can't really tell her off or punch her, this anger just gets bottled up and I eventually start to become depressed (and yes, in some cases even cry). And so, even though this visit started out very innocently, I almost started yelling at her by the end of it (hormones may be partially to blame for this, but only partially...I would've still been aggravated otherwise).
These are some of the things I had to listen to: I'm too close to my parents (never mind that I didn't live with them for about four years and that several thousands of miles are currently separating us); I should just stop visiting them (that would also include any and all of my American friends and my cat), and instead just find people to do stuff with (we don't have to be actual friends, just people who can get along with each other...because those are so easy to find! Hey, let me put out an ad on Craigslist: Lonely and desperate female looking for people to do stuff with her...or to her...I don't care! Not really looking for anything long-term. Heck, you don't even have to like me, just so long as you hang out with me!); the United States isn't good for me (while this may be somewhat/mostly true, Germany hasn't been that good for me either, but hey, I'm completely to blame for that one); I'm 28 and could be married and have kids by now (thank you for rubbing salt in the wound that I am a failure not only on the academic, but also on a personal, level); yadayadayada. So yeah, tons of fun for everyone...
Of course, the fun can't stop there because I wind up calling my parents (you know, the ones I have an almost Bates-esque relationship with), and the shit hits the proverbial fan for the second time in one day. Usually, I talk to both my mom and my dad, but this time, I only get to talk to my mom. Hmmm, this is strange. I wonder what happened to Dad? Well, he either wasn't home or he just didn't want to talk to me. As it turns out, the blog entry about the sad panda got him pretty upset...and by "pretty upset" I mean he's one mouse click away from booking my return flight home. His main worry is that I'll slit my wrists, hang myself, throw myself from one of the bridges in the area, overdose on drugs, die from alcohol poisoning, blow my brains out, get killed by one of the many random strangers I will inevitably be having unprotected sex with (I should be so lucky), or any combination thereof. Considering that he's seen firsthand how out of control depression can get, I kinda get why he would be worried...BUT it's a little too late to be worrying about lil ol' me. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Nobody paid attention then, nobody needs to now. Besides, if I wasn't able to end everything back when I was younger, guess what, ain't nuthin' gonna happen now. What?! It's true! We all know that I'm just playing the waiting game at this point. Aren't you glad that you are reading this depressing crap? You're probably as happy as I am writing it...
Anyways...right now it just feels like I've taken two steps forward and one step back. And no, nobody needs to alert the police, nobody needs to have me institutionalized. Seriously, if you do, sad panda will become angry panda, and then nobody will be happy. Capiche?
Please join me next time for more chaos and drama...or don't.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Feeling bad about feeling bad
So, it seems that pretty much everything I write, that pertains to me and my life at least, is incredibly depressing. And for that, I would like to apologize, especially since I know that my parents also read my blog. Not to mention that sad more easily begets sad than happy begets happy. If that makes sense. I can only imagine how tough it must be for my parents to be reading the things I write because, hey, what feels better than knowing that your child is seriously messed up and there is nothing you can do about it? I do want to thank them for being supportive, and I am honestly not trying to hurt/anger/sadden/disappoint them, or anyone for that matter.
At this point, I'm just trying to weigh my options, and as much as I don't want to give up and take the easy way out, I just might have to step back. Maybe this just isn't my fight to fight.
Studying is difficult enough as is, so I don't know why I decided to make it even harder on myself. I guess I ultimately thought I was doing everyone a favor by making the decision I made a couple of years ago. Maybe I thought things would be different. It's hard to say at this point because everything has sort of become this huge muddled mess.
All I know now is that I have some important decisions to make. In order to do that, I'm going to give myself a maximum of four weeks to think everything over. I just want to rule out any hormonal imbalances or the complications of readjusting to a regular class schedule as being potential culprits behind these thoughts. Unfortunately, at this point, it doesn't matter which decision I wind up making, I will more than likely hate myself for it. I just need to make sure that I make the one that I will hate myself for the least.
Anyways, thank you for reading, and hopefully, I'll have happier news to report next time.
At this point, I'm just trying to weigh my options, and as much as I don't want to give up and take the easy way out, I just might have to step back. Maybe this just isn't my fight to fight.
Studying is difficult enough as is, so I don't know why I decided to make it even harder on myself. I guess I ultimately thought I was doing everyone a favor by making the decision I made a couple of years ago. Maybe I thought things would be different. It's hard to say at this point because everything has sort of become this huge muddled mess.
All I know now is that I have some important decisions to make. In order to do that, I'm going to give myself a maximum of four weeks to think everything over. I just want to rule out any hormonal imbalances or the complications of readjusting to a regular class schedule as being potential culprits behind these thoughts. Unfortunately, at this point, it doesn't matter which decision I wind up making, I will more than likely hate myself for it. I just need to make sure that I make the one that I will hate myself for the least.
Anyways, thank you for reading, and hopefully, I'll have happier news to report next time.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Adventures of the sad panda (or What the f*** did I get myself into?!)
I know, it's been a while and I'm sorry about that. There has simply been a lot going on, in my head at least, since we all know I have virtually no social life.
Big surprise, I am a little less than happy right now. In fact, I would say that I am outright depressed. Actually, and I'm writing this knowing perfectly that most of you will view me as weak/sad/pathetic, I have been crying for at least once a day (with the occasional dry days in between) for a good two weeks. So, my crying has been gradually increasing for almost a year. Since I would like to celebrate such a depressing twist, let's take a look back to how the mighty have fallen...
As some of you may be aware, I am currently working on my MA in Germany. Why? Because I can and because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Back in September 2012 all I wanted to do was make more use of my education and not waste away at work (I won't name my employer here because a) I don't want a lawsuit on my hands and b) I might get stuck having to work there again), so I saved up money, took the GRE, applied for grad school in Germany and got accepted, and left. I was so happy and hopeful, until I showed up at the school and found out that I wasn't fully enrolled yet. And so, with about two weeks until classes were supposed to start, both my parents and I started to freak out, and too much money was spent on getting all of the necessary paperwork sent and turned in. Let's just say, if I had known then, what I know now, I would have scheduled a return flight home right then (yes, to my parents and the kitties, don't judge!) and sent out applications to various grad schools in the US. But noooo, no tuition fees and better/cheaper health insurance and weight loss and family yadayadayada... It was gonna be greeeeaaaat!!!! Eventually it all got worked out and I was excited to be back at school and doing something productive/beneficial for myself and my future.
However, this feeling of joy quickly became disrupted once I realized that outside of the dying breed of Magister students, who need more time to acquire their degrees and typically are in their late 20s/early 30s, I was easily the oldest out of the bunch. This wouldn't have really mattered, if it hadn't been pointed out to me that my Japanese sucked monkey balls. (Okay, nobody actually said that verbatim, but it had been brought to my attention that my Japanese skills just weren't that great. They still aren't.)
Despite these devastating realizations, I continued to work hard and was rewarded with...mediocre grades (because one professor took sympathy on me) and my first German research paper being so terribly written that that particular professor couldn't even grade it (I was offered to rewrite it in English, but have since given up because I keep on running into this huge mental wall with FAILURE sprayed all over it in neon paint). So, the first semester was a complete failure academically-speaking, but it was still fun overall (I met a few really great people, I actually had some semblance of a social life, I was starting to lose weight, and I even managed to wean myself off of my anti-depressants) and I learned my lesson, which resulted in me overcompensating during the second semester with an overfull class schedule (one that included two Japanese language courses back-to-back because I'm obviously a masochist).
The first half of the second semester was still great, and then something happened during the course of the second half that started to cause a bit of a disconnect. I still felt fine most of the time, but I started to care less about my classes. At the time, I thought it was simply the sight of seeing other people being openly happen during late spring/early summer, combined with me not being able to sleep properly due to the warm weather (you don't want to know what I had to do in order to be able to fall asleep), that was causing me to feel sad and frustrated. So, I looked forward to visiting my parents in the summer/fall.
While this first visit had its ups and downs, and I wound up eating too much fast food, I was glad to be around my cat (and of course the other feline family members) and I felt my sense of normalcy slowly being restored. Unfortunately, this feeling was also accompanied by the anxiety caused by me trying (and failing miserably) to research for and type up three separate research papers. No, I wasn't able to finish any of them, so don't even ask. As much as I secretly didn't want to return to Germany, I tried to tell myself that I was practically halfway done, so I should just keep on fighting and everything would be alright.
The third semester started off okay. Except that I had yet again taken on too many courses and quickly found myself running on empty and working off of an extremely messed-up sleep cycle (some nights I skipped sleep altogether in favor of studying). I hardly engaged in any kind of social activity, when I was available nobody else was, and when the others actually wanted to do something, I just wasn't in the mood (or didn't have the funds). This past semester also saw the return of a particularly bad habit of mine: skipping classes. I think I missed a total of three, maybe four, weeks worth of classes. Why? Because I started to care even less than I did during the spring/summer. Besides, my crying also started to pick up and I didn't necessarily want to have everyone and their mother see me sob for no apparent reason.
As if classes and my own personal issues weren't already enough to contend with, I stupidly decided/agreed to apply for various exchange programs. The month, and the week in particular, leading up to my second US visit I was running myself beyond ragged. Between getting everything ready for my trip, filling out paperwork for one of those exchange programs, and spending hours in one of the university's libraries working on take home assignments and exams, I oftentimes didn't know what I was doing or what I had already taken care of or what still needed to be done. I managed to not jump off a building by writing down what had to be done each day. If you needed me to plan anything past that day, I couldn't because I was never sure how much I would be able to accomplish within the next 24 hours. I kid you not, if my inner me actually had a voice, she would've been screaming at me non-stop.
My second visit was again spent with the kitties and the parents, but it was also mostly spent contemplating the near future. During this downtime, I came to realize that I was actually dreading the beginning of the next semester. This time around, I really didn't want to go back. However, I didn't want to say anything at the time because I felt like that was a selfish thing to think. (How dare I not want to go back? What about the friends I met over there? What about the professors? Your parents are going to be so disappointed. That would be quitting and you don't quit. You're so ungrateful and selfish, not everyone gets this kind of an opportunity.) The problem is: It's stopped being fun, it's stopped being interesting, it's stopped being motivating. This is what my life looks like: I go to classes. I go back to the apartment. At least once a week I have to buy groceries. I have to ask my parents for money at least twice a month. Even though I do try to look for it on a regular basis, work isn't really an option because if I'm not in class, I'm doing homework and studying, which actually takes up more time than one would think. Today's the first day of classes and I'm dreading going. I just don't want to go. Practically everyone I know will be done studying by the end of this semester. When I return to/am in my apartment, I am alone. No cats, no room mates, just me and my thoughts. On my days off, I usually sleep until 10, sometimes even until 1 because there is no motivation to get up (compare this to my US wake-up times of 8-10). In addition to that, I am now stuck in this mess of preparing for this exchange to Japan, which I have been regretting since February. Sure, I was excited at first, but let's be honest: It's a lot of stress for something expensive that won't count for squat on my transcript, but maybe, just maybe, will look decent on my resume. Besides, I know me, I probably won't do anything over there anyways. It just seems more and more like it's just going to be a semester of me sitting around, in a different setting mind you, possibly improving my Japanese skills and delaying my graduation by another semester because, from the sounds of things, a semester won't be long enough to take classes that can be counted towards my degree. So yeah, worth it, but not really worth it. I'm still thinking about whether or not I want to go through with this, and as of right now, I'm thisclose to calling it off and just going to Japan on my own schedule (while I'm not feeling pressured to finish school in a timely fashion).
Of course, these feelings don't mean that I'm going to break off my MA studies. Regardless of how depressed I've been feeling, this isn't even an option. I have been looking at my options though, such as switching to a university stateside. Unfortunately, it seems that I am out of luck in that department. One of the schools I looked at doesn't admit students in the spring, and the director went ahead to inform me that, even if I did by some miracle get accepted into their program, only a maximum of three of my courses would get transferred. As for the other school I looked at, despite a promising start, since they do actually accept spring admissions, they aren't accepting anymore applicants for the Japanese part of their program and I am lacking the language skills for the other tracks they offer. So, I either risk waiting and losing a huge chunk of my course work, or I am stuck here.
Since it seems very likely that I will have to stay here, I have been rethinking the promise I made to myself last year about never taking anti-depressants again (not unless absolutely necessary). Unfortunately, it seems like it might be necessary after all. My only problem is that Germany still hasn't completely opened itself up to the notion of depression yet. Not everyone here is anti (even though here you won't really hear talks about depression, here it's more about burn-outs), but there is still a bit of a stigma attached to it, so I'm not sure if I really feel like fighting with my doctor or any therapists about something like this.
Anyways, that's it for me. Sorry for being such a downer... I would like to say that the next post will be something uplifting, but I'm just not feeling it.
Talk to you guys later.
Big surprise, I am a little less than happy right now. In fact, I would say that I am outright depressed. Actually, and I'm writing this knowing perfectly that most of you will view me as weak/sad/pathetic, I have been crying for at least once a day (with the occasional dry days in between) for a good two weeks. So, my crying has been gradually increasing for almost a year. Since I would like to celebrate such a depressing twist, let's take a look back to how the mighty have fallen...
As some of you may be aware, I am currently working on my MA in Germany. Why? Because I can and because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Back in September 2012 all I wanted to do was make more use of my education and not waste away at work (I won't name my employer here because a) I don't want a lawsuit on my hands and b) I might get stuck having to work there again), so I saved up money, took the GRE, applied for grad school in Germany and got accepted, and left. I was so happy and hopeful, until I showed up at the school and found out that I wasn't fully enrolled yet. And so, with about two weeks until classes were supposed to start, both my parents and I started to freak out, and too much money was spent on getting all of the necessary paperwork sent and turned in. Let's just say, if I had known then, what I know now, I would have scheduled a return flight home right then (yes, to my parents and the kitties, don't judge!) and sent out applications to various grad schools in the US. But noooo, no tuition fees and better/cheaper health insurance and weight loss and family yadayadayada... It was gonna be greeeeaaaat!!!! Eventually it all got worked out and I was excited to be back at school and doing something productive/beneficial for myself and my future.
However, this feeling of joy quickly became disrupted once I realized that outside of the dying breed of Magister students, who need more time to acquire their degrees and typically are in their late 20s/early 30s, I was easily the oldest out of the bunch. This wouldn't have really mattered, if it hadn't been pointed out to me that my Japanese sucked monkey balls. (Okay, nobody actually said that verbatim, but it had been brought to my attention that my Japanese skills just weren't that great. They still aren't.)
Despite these devastating realizations, I continued to work hard and was rewarded with...mediocre grades (because one professor took sympathy on me) and my first German research paper being so terribly written that that particular professor couldn't even grade it (I was offered to rewrite it in English, but have since given up because I keep on running into this huge mental wall with FAILURE sprayed all over it in neon paint). So, the first semester was a complete failure academically-speaking, but it was still fun overall (I met a few really great people, I actually had some semblance of a social life, I was starting to lose weight, and I even managed to wean myself off of my anti-depressants) and I learned my lesson, which resulted in me overcompensating during the second semester with an overfull class schedule (one that included two Japanese language courses back-to-back because I'm obviously a masochist).
The first half of the second semester was still great, and then something happened during the course of the second half that started to cause a bit of a disconnect. I still felt fine most of the time, but I started to care less about my classes. At the time, I thought it was simply the sight of seeing other people being openly happen during late spring/early summer, combined with me not being able to sleep properly due to the warm weather (you don't want to know what I had to do in order to be able to fall asleep), that was causing me to feel sad and frustrated. So, I looked forward to visiting my parents in the summer/fall.
While this first visit had its ups and downs, and I wound up eating too much fast food, I was glad to be around my cat (and of course the other feline family members) and I felt my sense of normalcy slowly being restored. Unfortunately, this feeling was also accompanied by the anxiety caused by me trying (and failing miserably) to research for and type up three separate research papers. No, I wasn't able to finish any of them, so don't even ask. As much as I secretly didn't want to return to Germany, I tried to tell myself that I was practically halfway done, so I should just keep on fighting and everything would be alright.
The third semester started off okay. Except that I had yet again taken on too many courses and quickly found myself running on empty and working off of an extremely messed-up sleep cycle (some nights I skipped sleep altogether in favor of studying). I hardly engaged in any kind of social activity, when I was available nobody else was, and when the others actually wanted to do something, I just wasn't in the mood (or didn't have the funds). This past semester also saw the return of a particularly bad habit of mine: skipping classes. I think I missed a total of three, maybe four, weeks worth of classes. Why? Because I started to care even less than I did during the spring/summer. Besides, my crying also started to pick up and I didn't necessarily want to have everyone and their mother see me sob for no apparent reason.
As if classes and my own personal issues weren't already enough to contend with, I stupidly decided/agreed to apply for various exchange programs. The month, and the week in particular, leading up to my second US visit I was running myself beyond ragged. Between getting everything ready for my trip, filling out paperwork for one of those exchange programs, and spending hours in one of the university's libraries working on take home assignments and exams, I oftentimes didn't know what I was doing or what I had already taken care of or what still needed to be done. I managed to not jump off a building by writing down what had to be done each day. If you needed me to plan anything past that day, I couldn't because I was never sure how much I would be able to accomplish within the next 24 hours. I kid you not, if my inner me actually had a voice, she would've been screaming at me non-stop.
My second visit was again spent with the kitties and the parents, but it was also mostly spent contemplating the near future. During this downtime, I came to realize that I was actually dreading the beginning of the next semester. This time around, I really didn't want to go back. However, I didn't want to say anything at the time because I felt like that was a selfish thing to think. (How dare I not want to go back? What about the friends I met over there? What about the professors? Your parents are going to be so disappointed. That would be quitting and you don't quit. You're so ungrateful and selfish, not everyone gets this kind of an opportunity.) The problem is: It's stopped being fun, it's stopped being interesting, it's stopped being motivating. This is what my life looks like: I go to classes. I go back to the apartment. At least once a week I have to buy groceries. I have to ask my parents for money at least twice a month. Even though I do try to look for it on a regular basis, work isn't really an option because if I'm not in class, I'm doing homework and studying, which actually takes up more time than one would think. Today's the first day of classes and I'm dreading going. I just don't want to go. Practically everyone I know will be done studying by the end of this semester. When I return to/am in my apartment, I am alone. No cats, no room mates, just me and my thoughts. On my days off, I usually sleep until 10, sometimes even until 1 because there is no motivation to get up (compare this to my US wake-up times of 8-10). In addition to that, I am now stuck in this mess of preparing for this exchange to Japan, which I have been regretting since February. Sure, I was excited at first, but let's be honest: It's a lot of stress for something expensive that won't count for squat on my transcript, but maybe, just maybe, will look decent on my resume. Besides, I know me, I probably won't do anything over there anyways. It just seems more and more like it's just going to be a semester of me sitting around, in a different setting mind you, possibly improving my Japanese skills and delaying my graduation by another semester because, from the sounds of things, a semester won't be long enough to take classes that can be counted towards my degree. So yeah, worth it, but not really worth it. I'm still thinking about whether or not I want to go through with this, and as of right now, I'm thisclose to calling it off and just going to Japan on my own schedule (while I'm not feeling pressured to finish school in a timely fashion).
Of course, these feelings don't mean that I'm going to break off my MA studies. Regardless of how depressed I've been feeling, this isn't even an option. I have been looking at my options though, such as switching to a university stateside. Unfortunately, it seems that I am out of luck in that department. One of the schools I looked at doesn't admit students in the spring, and the director went ahead to inform me that, even if I did by some miracle get accepted into their program, only a maximum of three of my courses would get transferred. As for the other school I looked at, despite a promising start, since they do actually accept spring admissions, they aren't accepting anymore applicants for the Japanese part of their program and I am lacking the language skills for the other tracks they offer. So, I either risk waiting and losing a huge chunk of my course work, or I am stuck here.
Since it seems very likely that I will have to stay here, I have been rethinking the promise I made to myself last year about never taking anti-depressants again (not unless absolutely necessary). Unfortunately, it seems like it might be necessary after all. My only problem is that Germany still hasn't completely opened itself up to the notion of depression yet. Not everyone here is anti (even though here you won't really hear talks about depression, here it's more about burn-outs), but there is still a bit of a stigma attached to it, so I'm not sure if I really feel like fighting with my doctor or any therapists about something like this.
Anyways, that's it for me. Sorry for being such a downer... I would like to say that the next post will be something uplifting, but I'm just not feeling it.
Talk to you guys later.
Sunday, February 02, 2014
Online dating (Episode One): Holy phone-y awkwardness!
Yeah, I know, not my best title. But hey, it's my blog, so I can come up with crappy titles. Anywho, for those of you who don't know (and somehow magically care), I set up accounts on two different online dating sites a little over a month ago. Why? Because I'm a lonely person, my last relationship ended in 2008 (lolz...last relationship...as if I have such an extensive dating history...nuns get more action than I do...oops, sorry?...), and I obviously fail at life. I won't regale you with the details now. Maybe I'll type that story up as a prequel at some point in the future, but on to the present...
So, like I mentioned, I am now a part of the online dating community and, oddly enough, do get the occasional message. A couple of weeks ago I started messaging two guys on a semi-regular basis: one of them more desirable due to proximity, one of them more desirable based off of the number of "MPs" (i.e.: matching points - the higher the number of MPs, the more compatible the two people supposedly are), one of them a bit more...for lack of a better word at this point...opinionated, one of them almost annoyingly upbeat, neither one of them seemingly able to provide a decent picture of their face (very superficial of me, I know, but I like to look at eyes and lips...not only at full-body pics...oh well, better than the guys who don't provide any pictures at all, I guess...and yes, I put up a picture of myself...and yes, it's actually of me and not someone like Megan Fox/Charlize Theron/Stana Katic/my sister/etc...not that I would ever think about doing that).
After exchanging a few messages, one of the guys asked me about my stance on phone calls, so I tried to be honest without being a complete buzzkill. Some of you are probably already aware of this, but conversing via the phone is not my strong suit, not unless the person on the other end is Miss Chatty Cathy. I'm a good listener, I like to listen, and if you ask me questions, I will answer (most of the time). However, actively talking to a faceless voice? Not really my cup of tea. I prefer e-mail and face-to-face conversations (text messaging and Skype don't count). I did provide him with my cellphone number because I figured "What the hell! He's probably not gonna call anyways." Lo and behold, I didn't hear anything from him for almost a week...and then my phone rang earlier today (or yesterday evening, depending on when I get around to publishing this entry). Yes, it was him. He has a pleasant voice, which is good, and the beginning of our conversation went over well...until it was my turn to ask him something. So what did I do? Essentially it was "Tell me something about yourself. About your background." Why the f*** would I say something stupid like that?! It initially made sense to me because we had been talking a bit about my background, so why not ask him about his. Besides, I wasn't actually counting on him calling anymore, so you're going to have to forgive me for being caught off guard (at least a little bit). But yes, it was a bit of a rookie mistake (I guess?), and I was chastised for it. Supposedly, you can't just sit down next to someone and say something like that. I guess in the world of dating and relationships that's a big no-no...maybe even in general. Considering that we're still getting to know each other and that this was our first phone call, I wasn't really expecting to receive a lesson on etiquette. Well, not really etiquette in that sense, but kinda. As a result, I felt mildly aggravated and humiliated and a part of me just wanted to pull the emergency brake and get off the train at that point. In retrospect (since it's already been like seven hours), the feeling reminded me a bit of when I was younger and had to listen to my father lecture me on something that most people probably wouldn't have even noticed (or if they had, they would've made their slight disapproval known in a slightly less grand manner...my father isn't actually a bad guy...no seriously, he's not). Of course, now I'm thinking "Great! You make me feel stupid, just like my father and grandmother did/do occasionally... Let's get married!" We talked for a bit afterwards (I'll spare you the details), and as we encountered another incredibly awkward moment of silence, I decided to use it to end the conversation. I told him that I needed to make dinner (which I did), and asked him if we should set up a time for another phone call (supposedly, I can call him whenever...which kinda irks me...just a bit...it's kinda a lackadaisical attitude). Right now, I just get the feeling that he might belong to the group of people who have a tendency to talk down to me, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt because we haven't actually met in person. Who knows, maybe things will get better once I've gotten used to talking to him... I'm just not overly optimistic (I mean, optimistic according to my standards) about this right now.
Oh well, it's not like I know how this dating stuff works. I had to actively pursue my last boyfriend, and the only other relationships I had were during elementary school, so a looooooong time ago (Those were so much easier: "Hey! I like the way you run. Do you wanna be my girlfriend?" *sigh* I'm so old...).
So yeah, that was my super depressing update about my "love" life. I still feel like someone punched me in the stomach (but I think I already felt like that prior to the phone call...), so hopefully that will pass. I dunno, maybe I'm overthinking things (I do tend to do that...)...
Alright, it's bedtime for me, probably not for you, but good night anyways!
I'll try to come up with more stuff to talk about for next week (hopefully). Then again, I have to take four exams next week, so I might have suffered a nervous breakdown by that point.
Regardless, take care!
So, like I mentioned, I am now a part of the online dating community and, oddly enough, do get the occasional message. A couple of weeks ago I started messaging two guys on a semi-regular basis: one of them more desirable due to proximity, one of them more desirable based off of the number of "MPs" (i.e.: matching points - the higher the number of MPs, the more compatible the two people supposedly are), one of them a bit more...for lack of a better word at this point...opinionated, one of them almost annoyingly upbeat, neither one of them seemingly able to provide a decent picture of their face (very superficial of me, I know, but I like to look at eyes and lips...not only at full-body pics...oh well, better than the guys who don't provide any pictures at all, I guess...and yes, I put up a picture of myself...and yes, it's actually of me and not someone like Megan Fox/Charlize Theron/Stana Katic/my sister/etc...not that I would ever think about doing that).
After exchanging a few messages, one of the guys asked me about my stance on phone calls, so I tried to be honest without being a complete buzzkill. Some of you are probably already aware of this, but conversing via the phone is not my strong suit, not unless the person on the other end is Miss Chatty Cathy. I'm a good listener, I like to listen, and if you ask me questions, I will answer (most of the time). However, actively talking to a faceless voice? Not really my cup of tea. I prefer e-mail and face-to-face conversations (text messaging and Skype don't count). I did provide him with my cellphone number because I figured "What the hell! He's probably not gonna call anyways." Lo and behold, I didn't hear anything from him for almost a week...and then my phone rang earlier today (or yesterday evening, depending on when I get around to publishing this entry). Yes, it was him. He has a pleasant voice, which is good, and the beginning of our conversation went over well...until it was my turn to ask him something. So what did I do? Essentially it was "Tell me something about yourself. About your background." Why the f*** would I say something stupid like that?! It initially made sense to me because we had been talking a bit about my background, so why not ask him about his. Besides, I wasn't actually counting on him calling anymore, so you're going to have to forgive me for being caught off guard (at least a little bit). But yes, it was a bit of a rookie mistake (I guess?), and I was chastised for it. Supposedly, you can't just sit down next to someone and say something like that. I guess in the world of dating and relationships that's a big no-no...maybe even in general. Considering that we're still getting to know each other and that this was our first phone call, I wasn't really expecting to receive a lesson on etiquette. Well, not really etiquette in that sense, but kinda. As a result, I felt mildly aggravated and humiliated and a part of me just wanted to pull the emergency brake and get off the train at that point. In retrospect (since it's already been like seven hours), the feeling reminded me a bit of when I was younger and had to listen to my father lecture me on something that most people probably wouldn't have even noticed (or if they had, they would've made their slight disapproval known in a slightly less grand manner...my father isn't actually a bad guy...no seriously, he's not). Of course, now I'm thinking "Great! You make me feel stupid, just like my father and grandmother did/do occasionally... Let's get married!" We talked for a bit afterwards (I'll spare you the details), and as we encountered another incredibly awkward moment of silence, I decided to use it to end the conversation. I told him that I needed to make dinner (which I did), and asked him if we should set up a time for another phone call (supposedly, I can call him whenever...which kinda irks me...just a bit...it's kinda a lackadaisical attitude). Right now, I just get the feeling that he might belong to the group of people who have a tendency to talk down to me, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt because we haven't actually met in person. Who knows, maybe things will get better once I've gotten used to talking to him... I'm just not overly optimistic (I mean, optimistic according to my standards) about this right now.
Oh well, it's not like I know how this dating stuff works. I had to actively pursue my last boyfriend, and the only other relationships I had were during elementary school, so a looooooong time ago (Those were so much easier: "Hey! I like the way you run. Do you wanna be my girlfriend?" *sigh* I'm so old...).
So yeah, that was my super depressing update about my "love" life. I still feel like someone punched me in the stomach (but I think I already felt like that prior to the phone call...), so hopefully that will pass. I dunno, maybe I'm overthinking things (I do tend to do that...)...
Alright, it's bedtime for me, probably not for you, but good night anyways!
I'll try to come up with more stuff to talk about for next week (hopefully). Then again, I have to take four exams next week, so I might have suffered a nervous breakdown by that point.
Regardless, take care!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
To withdraw or not to withdraw...
As some of you might have noticed (by some I mean everyone who is friends with me on Facebook...which equates to one, maybe two of you), I have stopped typing up elaborate comments on various articles. Not that any of you really care (or have even noticed).
I've been trying to keep my mouth shut and fingers from the keyboard as much as possible. Sure, sometimes I'll still like a(n) comment/article, maybe I'll type a short sentence, or write something if it's someone's birthday. It's not like I want to come off as a complete douche (not that anyone would really notice that either).
So, why would I go from typing up comments and trying to entertain my friends to not wanting to type up anything at all (on Facebook at least...I hardly use Twitter, and special rules apply to this blog...you're all here at your own risk)?
To put it simply: I've become disgusted with myself. Yeah, yeah...I know what some of you are thinking. "How is this different from how you usually feel about yourself? Is this supposed to be news?" Well, no, this wasn't meant to be some kind of revelation. It's a bit weird to explain, but my self-loathing just managed to reach a new depth, that's all. I guess I just got beyond disgusted by my own comments that were becoming increasingly depressing...to me. And if I, as someone who is always already mildly depressed, manage to make myself even more depressed, then how are the people on my friends list going to feel? Granted, I've been known to say that I would rather have everyone hate me, but if you don't already hate me, then, I'm sorry to say, I don't have the energy to go out of my way to make you hate me. I need that energy to keep myself from curling up in the fetal position and sobbing hysterically every five seconds. Just kidding...maybe...not really. (Okay, it's not that bad...today at least.)
Anyways, I just didn't like what I was typing up anymore. Besides, hardly anyone was reading them (I don't know this for sure, but let's just say it's an educated guess), and even if someone was, what is he/she gonna say? "OMG, you need to talk to a professional about this" or "You should end your life ASAP"? Even if someone wanted to help, he/she couldn't.
And no, none of you needs to be concerned about me. If nothing has happened to me in the past 28 years, nothing will happen now either. I still have to finish working on my MA and then pay off my student loans... Oh, and there's always my precious ball of fluff (no, not that "fluff")...that is currently living with my parents and the rest of the Fluff Brigade. *sad*
I guess things could be worse: It could still be Monday. For some reason (depression, obviously), I could not stop myself from crying. Writing about my feelings *sob*, talking to one of the Japanese teachers *sob*, watching American Dad *sob* (that last one isn't true, but I did cry a looooot). Actually, Sunday and Tuesday weren't that pleasant either, but Monday was bad.
Maybe reading all of those articles and processing them in my comments wasn't the wisest choice... Especially since many of them just made me feel like a complete failure, which I am, but I shouldn't necessarily be subjecting myself to constant confirmations of said fact from outside sources. I'm also guessing that another contributing factor was the last phone call with my parents (which took place on Sunday...last Sunday). Even though I'm usually slightly less depressed, if not neutral, after talking to my parents, somehow this last conversation just completely irked me. I don't need rainbows blown up my ass every single time I talk to them, or anyone else for that matter, but something was...off. More than likely, I was already so depressed at that point that everything my parents said just sounded more negative and critical. I guess I'll find out when I talk to them later (it's already Sunday for me).
Of course, I'm still not completely out of the woods yet. There are several other factors contributing to my current blue mood, so it probably won't go away for a while. I won't mention all of them because that would probably be enough to fill a whole series of books (or provide enough material for ten Woody Allen films). Maybe I'll talk about what else is on my mind in future posts, but for now this incoherent, sad little update will have to do.
Will I return to typing up lengthy comments on Facebook? I don't know. I probably shouldn't. Most of my friends seem to be too busy enjoying life (or Candy Crush) to be bothered with my rants, so I might be better off saving my thoughts for here.
Oh well...since it's way past my bedtime and I still haven't been able to organize my thoughts properly, I should stop here and try and get some sleep. By the way, if you see me, just please refrain from asking me how I'm doing. At least for the time being. Just assume that I'm doing okay because that's all I'm going to tell you anyways. It's the one thing I'll lie about. Don't want to, but I also don't want to risk talking about how depressed I actually am. At least in person. The blog is different. That way I can cry without having anyone look at me. So, it would be really great if you could just keep the conversation light for now.
Oh, and thanks for listening (well, reading)! Maybe next time I can write about something funny and lighthearted, like sex. What can I say? I have a weird sense of humor...
I've been trying to keep my mouth shut and fingers from the keyboard as much as possible. Sure, sometimes I'll still like a(n) comment/article, maybe I'll type a short sentence, or write something if it's someone's birthday. It's not like I want to come off as a complete douche (not that anyone would really notice that either).
So, why would I go from typing up comments and trying to entertain my friends to not wanting to type up anything at all (on Facebook at least...I hardly use Twitter, and special rules apply to this blog...you're all here at your own risk)?
To put it simply: I've become disgusted with myself. Yeah, yeah...I know what some of you are thinking. "How is this different from how you usually feel about yourself? Is this supposed to be news?" Well, no, this wasn't meant to be some kind of revelation. It's a bit weird to explain, but my self-loathing just managed to reach a new depth, that's all. I guess I just got beyond disgusted by my own comments that were becoming increasingly depressing...to me. And if I, as someone who is always already mildly depressed, manage to make myself even more depressed, then how are the people on my friends list going to feel? Granted, I've been known to say that I would rather have everyone hate me, but if you don't already hate me, then, I'm sorry to say, I don't have the energy to go out of my way to make you hate me. I need that energy to keep myself from curling up in the fetal position and sobbing hysterically every five seconds. Just kidding...maybe...not really. (Okay, it's not that bad...today at least.)
Anyways, I just didn't like what I was typing up anymore. Besides, hardly anyone was reading them (I don't know this for sure, but let's just say it's an educated guess), and even if someone was, what is he/she gonna say? "OMG, you need to talk to a professional about this" or "You should end your life ASAP"? Even if someone wanted to help, he/she couldn't.
And no, none of you needs to be concerned about me. If nothing has happened to me in the past 28 years, nothing will happen now either. I still have to finish working on my MA and then pay off my student loans... Oh, and there's always my precious ball of fluff (no, not that "fluff")...that is currently living with my parents and the rest of the Fluff Brigade. *sad*
I guess things could be worse: It could still be Monday. For some reason (depression, obviously), I could not stop myself from crying. Writing about my feelings *sob*, talking to one of the Japanese teachers *sob*, watching American Dad *sob* (that last one isn't true, but I did cry a looooot). Actually, Sunday and Tuesday weren't that pleasant either, but Monday was bad.
Maybe reading all of those articles and processing them in my comments wasn't the wisest choice... Especially since many of them just made me feel like a complete failure, which I am, but I shouldn't necessarily be subjecting myself to constant confirmations of said fact from outside sources. I'm also guessing that another contributing factor was the last phone call with my parents (which took place on Sunday...last Sunday). Even though I'm usually slightly less depressed, if not neutral, after talking to my parents, somehow this last conversation just completely irked me. I don't need rainbows blown up my ass every single time I talk to them, or anyone else for that matter, but something was...off. More than likely, I was already so depressed at that point that everything my parents said just sounded more negative and critical. I guess I'll find out when I talk to them later (it's already Sunday for me).
Of course, I'm still not completely out of the woods yet. There are several other factors contributing to my current blue mood, so it probably won't go away for a while. I won't mention all of them because that would probably be enough to fill a whole series of books (or provide enough material for ten Woody Allen films). Maybe I'll talk about what else is on my mind in future posts, but for now this incoherent, sad little update will have to do.
Will I return to typing up lengthy comments on Facebook? I don't know. I probably shouldn't. Most of my friends seem to be too busy enjoying life (or Candy Crush) to be bothered with my rants, so I might be better off saving my thoughts for here.
Oh well...since it's way past my bedtime and I still haven't been able to organize my thoughts properly, I should stop here and try and get some sleep. By the way, if you see me, just please refrain from asking me how I'm doing. At least for the time being. Just assume that I'm doing okay because that's all I'm going to tell you anyways. It's the one thing I'll lie about. Don't want to, but I also don't want to risk talking about how depressed I actually am. At least in person. The blog is different. That way I can cry without having anyone look at me. So, it would be really great if you could just keep the conversation light for now.
Oh, and thanks for listening (well, reading)! Maybe next time I can write about something funny and lighthearted, like sex. What can I say? I have a weird sense of humor...
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