Here I am, standing in my brother's room...wondering why in the world I have been stuck with doing his job. It is 10 at night. My mother's sleeping in the room across the hall, and even though she has to be up by 5 in the morning, everyone is still wide awake, loud, and borderline obnoxious. I can hear my brother laughing in the garage, my sister and her boyfriend are also still laughing, my father is either drifting off to sleep or (when he is awake) making borderline inappropriate jokes and just generally talking way too loudly. I just want to sit back and relax in a dimly-lit room. Who knows, maybe watch some Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.
No, instead I'm stuck cleaning out the litterbox in my brother's room. Why? Because he is incapable of doing it himself, and my sister asked me to. So, I decided to be nice. Of course it didn't help that my father told me to be flexible. I may be a quarter of a century old, but due to a lack of a job and having to live with my parents, I don't have a choice but to listen to my parents. Not that it really matters because whatever I do I will always be Miss Inflexible to my father. Oh well, such seems to be my fate.
Fortunately, everything seems to have finally calmed down, so I can now sit down and take a few deep breaths.
Here's to the end of a hectic and loud day...
Until some other time,
Miss Inflexible
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Breaking point (not for the sensitive or overly optimistic)
Yes everyone, Bettina is depressed. Again. This would be no surprise, if my depression weren't so bad this time that I just wanted to lay down and die. *gasp* Yes, I used the d-word. Before anyone goes into savior mode and calls 911, let me just say that I've been suffering from depression off and on (mostly on) since at least the age of 8. So, do not panic (I'm not worried about most of you, just about the lone Christian mother who might accidentally stumble across this blog, and think that she can actually help someone like me).
At this point in my life, actively trying to end my life is too exhausting anyway. However, I won't be doing anything to stop my death either (sounds weird, but you spend some time living my life and then you can come back and talk to me about how it went for you...who knows, maybe you're able to live my life better than I currently am).
I am currently living in a house filled mostly with people who aren't aware of and don't even care how their actions and feelings affect everyone else. Everyone else gets mad at me when I point out the bull**** that goes on in this house, but then I'm also supposed to be happy all the time. I was raised to speak my mind and be honest, but nobody likes it when that happens. However, people like it even less when I don't say anything or lie. So, here's my solution: Give me a script because I am a great actress. I am great at portraying other people, but I obviously suck at being me.
I can see why people get drunk or drugged up because right now, those two seem to be very viable options, and they're looking better with each passing minute in this hellhole.
My brother's a whiny bitch and drama queen, who's way too damn lucky for his own good. My sister, even though she has matured quite a bit, can't decide whether she wants to be nice or bitchy, and she was like this before she managed to get knocked up. My sister's boyfriend is also a bitch, who thinks this is his house, wastes my sister's gas and money, is disrespectful (particularly towards women), and thinks he can get in a pissing contest with me just because we're the same age. As for my dad, oh my dear sweet dad...it seemed that he was finally able to mellow out, until recently that is. He very recently fell back on a very bad habit by threatening to move back to Texas. Why? Supposedly because he hates this house (I'm guessing it's more that he hates the people in this house, but he would NEVER admit to that) and because he was angry about how the house is or is not cleaned up. For once though, I wasn't there when this happened (I was in Chinese class at the time), which is weird because if you ask the majority of the people in this house, I am at fault for everyone's problems. Here's the issue: As much as my dad thinks he cleans up, he does more complaining about it.
Since at least three people have threatened to move out, here's what I have to say: Move the hell out! Stop talking about it and do it. If you supposedly earn so much money that you can afford to threaten people with moving out then you do it. This applies particularly to my siblings. Now, as for my dad, you're not a damn kid. You're a father of four (even though you only had to raise three), you're married, so you can't afford to just get up and leave, and even less to talk about such things.
As for me, I would love to move out since that seems to be my only chance at what is considered to be happiness. Personally, I wouldn't know what happiness is, even if it slapped me across the face. However, I'm incapable of finding and landing a job, which means I'm not making any money, so I can't afford to move. Heck, I can't even threaten people with a move. So, if anyone has a legitimate job for me, please let me know. If you have any other solutions, please let me know.
The only person who isn't currently driving me insane is my mother. She has always been the patient and understanding one, and now she is also at her breaking point, which is kinda sad because it took her a lot longer to get there than it took me. I feel bad for her because she has to suffer through all of this. I'm sure that if she knew 100% that she could get another decent job (or a job period) in Germany, she would just move back there. I'm sure my Oma would enjoy getting to see my mother on a regular basis again.
In many ways, moving back to the USA is the worst decision we, as a family, have ever made (aside from the fact that my parents had three children because I think that that was the beginning of the end for them). I don't completely regret it because of all the wonderful people I was able to meet and befriend, none of whom I ever get to see anymore (no thanks to overwhelming stress and depression and a complete lack of money). However, I also had friends in Germany when I left. People I still miss, but since, in addition to the reasons why I don't see any of my American friends anymore, my German friends have more friends who they are much closer to elsewhere, I highly doubt that my absence was and still is much of loss to them. Thinking about this, I do believe that this also applies to my American friends though... It just seems to be easier to stay physically present in the lives of, well, at least some of my American friends. In addition to that, I could have gotten my degree for a lot less money in Germany than here, and I believe it would have been easier as well, especially considering that I lived and could have studied in Heidelberg, which is known for its medicine and language studies. I would have also been skinnier and healthier. Healthcare would have cost less. I could have had more of a social life and been more independent. I probably could have also had a job by now (who knows with that one though...).
Anyway, enough with the rambling and venting. All that is left to say is that I'm done playing nice, I've been done being way too damn patient for quite some time now, and that with the way my life is going, death will ultimately be an improvement to my life and welcome reprieve to me in general, so the sooner it shows up, the better.
And if you didn't like this post, just remember that nobody forced you to read this.
At this point in my life, actively trying to end my life is too exhausting anyway. However, I won't be doing anything to stop my death either (sounds weird, but you spend some time living my life and then you can come back and talk to me about how it went for you...who knows, maybe you're able to live my life better than I currently am).
I am currently living in a house filled mostly with people who aren't aware of and don't even care how their actions and feelings affect everyone else. Everyone else gets mad at me when I point out the bull**** that goes on in this house, but then I'm also supposed to be happy all the time. I was raised to speak my mind and be honest, but nobody likes it when that happens. However, people like it even less when I don't say anything or lie. So, here's my solution: Give me a script because I am a great actress. I am great at portraying other people, but I obviously suck at being me.
I can see why people get drunk or drugged up because right now, those two seem to be very viable options, and they're looking better with each passing minute in this hellhole.
My brother's a whiny bitch and drama queen, who's way too damn lucky for his own good. My sister, even though she has matured quite a bit, can't decide whether she wants to be nice or bitchy, and she was like this before she managed to get knocked up. My sister's boyfriend is also a bitch, who thinks this is his house, wastes my sister's gas and money, is disrespectful (particularly towards women), and thinks he can get in a pissing contest with me just because we're the same age. As for my dad, oh my dear sweet dad...it seemed that he was finally able to mellow out, until recently that is. He very recently fell back on a very bad habit by threatening to move back to Texas. Why? Supposedly because he hates this house (I'm guessing it's more that he hates the people in this house, but he would NEVER admit to that) and because he was angry about how the house is or is not cleaned up. For once though, I wasn't there when this happened (I was in Chinese class at the time), which is weird because if you ask the majority of the people in this house, I am at fault for everyone's problems. Here's the issue: As much as my dad thinks he cleans up, he does more complaining about it.
Since at least three people have threatened to move out, here's what I have to say: Move the hell out! Stop talking about it and do it. If you supposedly earn so much money that you can afford to threaten people with moving out then you do it. This applies particularly to my siblings. Now, as for my dad, you're not a damn kid. You're a father of four (even though you only had to raise three), you're married, so you can't afford to just get up and leave, and even less to talk about such things.
As for me, I would love to move out since that seems to be my only chance at what is considered to be happiness. Personally, I wouldn't know what happiness is, even if it slapped me across the face. However, I'm incapable of finding and landing a job, which means I'm not making any money, so I can't afford to move. Heck, I can't even threaten people with a move. So, if anyone has a legitimate job for me, please let me know. If you have any other solutions, please let me know.
The only person who isn't currently driving me insane is my mother. She has always been the patient and understanding one, and now she is also at her breaking point, which is kinda sad because it took her a lot longer to get there than it took me. I feel bad for her because she has to suffer through all of this. I'm sure that if she knew 100% that she could get another decent job (or a job period) in Germany, she would just move back there. I'm sure my Oma would enjoy getting to see my mother on a regular basis again.
In many ways, moving back to the USA is the worst decision we, as a family, have ever made (aside from the fact that my parents had three children because I think that that was the beginning of the end for them). I don't completely regret it because of all the wonderful people I was able to meet and befriend, none of whom I ever get to see anymore (no thanks to overwhelming stress and depression and a complete lack of money). However, I also had friends in Germany when I left. People I still miss, but since, in addition to the reasons why I don't see any of my American friends anymore, my German friends have more friends who they are much closer to elsewhere, I highly doubt that my absence was and still is much of loss to them. Thinking about this, I do believe that this also applies to my American friends though... It just seems to be easier to stay physically present in the lives of, well, at least some of my American friends. In addition to that, I could have gotten my degree for a lot less money in Germany than here, and I believe it would have been easier as well, especially considering that I lived and could have studied in Heidelberg, which is known for its medicine and language studies. I would have also been skinnier and healthier. Healthcare would have cost less. I could have had more of a social life and been more independent. I probably could have also had a job by now (who knows with that one though...).
Anyway, enough with the rambling and venting. All that is left to say is that I'm done playing nice, I've been done being way too damn patient for quite some time now, and that with the way my life is going, death will ultimately be an improvement to my life and welcome reprieve to me in general, so the sooner it shows up, the better.
And if you didn't like this post, just remember that nobody forced you to read this.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Lessons in Friendship (Part One)
As some of you might have guessed, this entry is about friendship. Hence the title. Anyway, the two main players of this episode are my oh-so-illustrious brother, and one of his "friends."
Here's the situation: This particular "friend" lives in Watertown. I'm not sure where it is located in the QCA, nor do I really care, but supposedly this guy bought a $350 bicycle, and decided to loan it to my brother. Now, the bike has been stolen, and this "friend" is threatening my brother and wants his money back.
First off, this guy is a complete moron for spending $350 on a bicycle that only looks like it's worth maybe $100 (I was told that he spray-painted it and that it is supposedly a "rare" bike), especially since he lives in a part of the QCA like Watertown (he does have a lock on his garage...like that's ever stopped anyone before). Secondly, if he really did spend $350 on a damn bike, which I still find hard to believe, he shouldn't have been so incredibly stupid and lent it to my brother. I wouldn't have lent such an expensive bike to my brother.
This incident gets me thinking that today's youth has no clue what actual friendship is. You should be able to trust your friends. You shouldn't abuse the title of "friend."
Have I lost things my friends have given me? Yes, but I've also told them that I lost them, and I still feel bad about those times (not as bad as I did in those exact moments though).
You should be able to eventually work through these issues with your friends, not threaten to beat them up and risk going to jail over them.
However, I'm also not surprised that this happened to my brother. My siblings have this knack for becoming friends with people who aren't really friends. Like with so many other people, their fear of being alone wins out over the instinct to protect themselves from abusive and shady people. I'm the opposite in that area. I'm so used to being a loner, and I've been stabbed in the back so many times, that I would much rather be alone than be a victim to other people. This doesn't mean that I never take risks, I'm just very cautious. I will say though that my sister has gotten a bit better at distancing herself from some of her "friends," so that is somewhat of a silver lining.
Some of you might be wondering why I am writing this stuff down. Well, my siblings don't necessarily get these lessons through their thick skulls, so instead of yelling at them, this is my way of venting. I am also hoping that maybe, by some stroke of randomness, someone will read this and take stock of his/her own life and be able to learn something from this (hopefully before it is too late). No, I don't think that I am better than you people. In fact, I am one of the first people to say that I'm not.
Just remember: Not all friends are bad friends, but not everyone who claims to be a friend is really a friend. Be aware of this without shutting yourself off from the world completely, and you should do just fine.
Lots of love,
Bettina
Here's the situation: This particular "friend" lives in Watertown. I'm not sure where it is located in the QCA, nor do I really care, but supposedly this guy bought a $350 bicycle, and decided to loan it to my brother. Now, the bike has been stolen, and this "friend" is threatening my brother and wants his money back.
First off, this guy is a complete moron for spending $350 on a bicycle that only looks like it's worth maybe $100 (I was told that he spray-painted it and that it is supposedly a "rare" bike), especially since he lives in a part of the QCA like Watertown (he does have a lock on his garage...like that's ever stopped anyone before). Secondly, if he really did spend $350 on a damn bike, which I still find hard to believe, he shouldn't have been so incredibly stupid and lent it to my brother. I wouldn't have lent such an expensive bike to my brother.
This incident gets me thinking that today's youth has no clue what actual friendship is. You should be able to trust your friends. You shouldn't abuse the title of "friend."
Have I lost things my friends have given me? Yes, but I've also told them that I lost them, and I still feel bad about those times (not as bad as I did in those exact moments though).
You should be able to eventually work through these issues with your friends, not threaten to beat them up and risk going to jail over them.
However, I'm also not surprised that this happened to my brother. My siblings have this knack for becoming friends with people who aren't really friends. Like with so many other people, their fear of being alone wins out over the instinct to protect themselves from abusive and shady people. I'm the opposite in that area. I'm so used to being a loner, and I've been stabbed in the back so many times, that I would much rather be alone than be a victim to other people. This doesn't mean that I never take risks, I'm just very cautious. I will say though that my sister has gotten a bit better at distancing herself from some of her "friends," so that is somewhat of a silver lining.
Some of you might be wondering why I am writing this stuff down. Well, my siblings don't necessarily get these lessons through their thick skulls, so instead of yelling at them, this is my way of venting. I am also hoping that maybe, by some stroke of randomness, someone will read this and take stock of his/her own life and be able to learn something from this (hopefully before it is too late). No, I don't think that I am better than you people. In fact, I am one of the first people to say that I'm not.
Just remember: Not all friends are bad friends, but not everyone who claims to be a friend is really a friend. Be aware of this without shutting yourself off from the world completely, and you should do just fine.
Lots of love,
Bettina
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