Drowning in K-pop: Sept. 12th - 18th

Credit: YouTube

And it is that time again...more K-pop! Yaaaay!!! Or not, as I'm sure that some of you are probably over these entries, but it's my blog and nobody's forcing you to visit it. Besides, I haven't really had the time or energy to do much else that might be of interest to you faceless readers/visitors/lost souls.

So, let's just jump into it, shall we?

1. DIA - Mr. Potter



As exciting as a K-pop ode to Harry Potter might seem on paper, I was kind of disappointed by this song and video. It's pretty much your standard girl group fare, meaning that it's too cute for its own good, so it's not really my cup of tea. However, there's a reason that the cute concept keeps on getting recycled - obviously more than enough people enjoy it... I'm just not one of them.

2. Kim Juna - Summer Dream



Since I wasn't able to find the actual music video, a practice video will simply have to suffice in this case. If I've said it once, I've said it at least a dozen times: I am not a fan of the slower songs...but this is actually really good. Then again, it's not necessarily slow, it's more mid-tempo albeit slightly less impactful than what I usually listen to. Also, she has a very pleasant voice. It's slightly deeper and a bit on the husky side without crossing over into "cigarette/whiskey voice" territory. It's soulful, okay? So yeah, another perfect song for a lazy [insert your day of choice] afternoon.

3. 2PM - Promise (I'll Be)


2PM - Promise (I'll Be) MV [English subs... von LoveKpopSubs

I like 2PM, I do, but this isn't necessarily my favorite song of theirs. That being said, this is still a fairly decent song, so I can't really complain too much.

4. Yoon Mi Rae - JamCome On Baby



Even though Yoon Mi Rae has such a beautiful, soulful voice and presence, her songs are usually too slow and sad for me. Or as a friend of mine said, they tend to be too "ballad-y." However, this is easily the most interesting song and video of the past week. In addition to that, I just generally respect her for having both mad vocal and rap skills.

Considering how uneventful last week was in terms of K-pop releases, I have decided to stop at four songs/videos this time around. This also means that I won't be including any honorable mentions. Sooo, rejoice people. All I can do now is end this entry with the hope that this week will offer me a bit more variety, but I guess we'll see about that in my next post.

Until next time: happy viewing/listening!!!

Drowning in K-pop: Sept. 5th-11th

I know, I know...I'm late. However, I have my reasons. Reasons that will remain secret for another...2-3 weeks. And no, it's nothing super exciting, so you can all rest easy.

As for my favorite songs/videos from the past week, or at least those that I consider to be particularly noteworthy, I could easily fill out four of the five slots with Bobby and Mino...but for the sake of diversity I won't.

1. Gain - Carnival (The Last Day)



Just slightly over six minutes long, this is more of a short film than a music video. Even though Gain is better known for her epic eyeliner skills and massive sex appeal, I think it's great that she went a bit of a different route for this song. Granted, this isn't my favorite, but I do appreciate the 50s musical vibe.

2. FIVE RUN STRIKE - Round & Round



Oh hey, it's K-rock...or K-rock lite/diet rock/rock zero (some of the rock 'n' roll flavor, none of the calories aka sex and drugs?)...or K-pop/rock or something like that. While I do like this song, it would probably be too cute for me if it weren't for all of the guitars.

3. Clazziquai Project - #Curious (I'm Curious)



Yes, I realize that this video has Italian subtitles. Just ignore them and focus on the song, okay? Unless you want to practice your Italian reading comprehension skills that is... What's great about this song is how reminiscent it is of 70s disco. Then again, I'm usually a sucker for anything that sounds like it could be from the 70s or 80s. Other than that, this is a great song to dance or relax to.

4. Mino (from WINNER) - Body



I know what some of you thinking: What?! You're going to talk about Mino's solo release, but not Bobby's?! And to that I say: I'm only at number four, so how do you know that Bobby isn't next? Anyway, I like this song because it's kind of moody and yet also sensual in its own way. Also, I heard that the original version of this video was so racy that they had to edit out all of the good stuff and now there are plans to release an uncut version of it. Can you tell I'm excited? So excited...the uncut version had better be good though, otherwise it'll be 50 Shades all over again...

5. MOBB (Mino and Bobby) feat. KUSH (the artist, not the, uh, other stuff...) - Hit Me


MINO X BOBBY MOBB - HIT ME 빨리 전화해 feat KUSH... von nam-seulqii

Okay, fine...so this isn't Bobby's solo release, but technically I did include Bobby. And at least this way we don't have to look at him sporting dreads. Oh, what?! I like him better with his regular black hair... Ahem...anywho...it was difficult for me to choose which one of their two songs I like more because they both are quite good (and the more I listen to Full House, the more I like it), but Hit Me just lifts my spirits a little bit more. However, both are decent party songs...even if I'm not much of a public partier.

To wrap things up for this entry, a few honorable mentions (to access the videos, just click on the underlined items): Red Velvet - Russian Roulette, Bobby (from iKON) - HOLUP, and MOBB - Full House. Hopefully, there is something for most of you in this lineup.

Until next time and happy listening!

B's Soapbox: To Vote or Not to Vote (the Overseas Edition)

Usually, I try to abstain from the topics of politics and religion because people tend to take both of those very, very seriously and personally. However, considering that carnival/election season is slowly coming to an end (because, let's face it, that's essentially what this election season has been...a huge, seemingly never ending circus...amusing for the first five seconds, but irritating and borderline frightening ever since), it is time to face the music.

The reason I am typing up this post is to hopefully serve as a friendly reminder to any and all members of the Armed Forces (including spouses and other family members old enough to vote) as well as regular US citizens who either happen to currently be residing in another country or will be come November 8th. Granted, hardly anyone actually reads this blog - I just pretty much type stuff and send it out into the ether - but maybe this entry will reach someone who needs it.

Anyway...if you're still residing in the United States, I believe you can request an absentee ballot directly at the DMV. If not, they should (in theory at least) be able to point you in the right direction. However, if you're already overseas, I would strongly suggest that you go the FVAP's (Federal Voting Assistance Program) website...and sooner rather than later because some States require the ballot request to be mailed in via snail mail, and if you're just a civilian and don't have access to the nifty military postal system, that could take a little bit longer depending on where your current address is at.

The first thing you need to do when you access the website is to select the State that your voting residence is located in. This is important because, as with pretty much everything else, each State has its own deadlines and requirements. For example, while Illinois not only has separate deadlines for military and civilians, but also requires one's absentee ballot request to have been signed (and presumably actually mailed off) by October 8th, Iowa has different deadlines depending on whether or not one is requesting a regular paper ballot (to be received by November 4th) or the digital/fax version (by November 7th).

There is a downloadable form, the FPCA (Federal Post Card Application), that one can fill out and send in to the appropriate election office. And don't worry, there's also a list of all of the election offices and the mailing addresses, so all you need to know is which county your voting residence belongs to. Unless you don't know that, in which case, I would suggest Googling it or phoning (i.e.: Skyping because who uses a phone to call people anymore?) a friend or family member.

Like I said before, I usually avoid talking about politics (because other people kind of take the joy out of it for me...which is pretty much how it goes with most things in my life...including my life), but we also have a civic duty to fulfill. And no, I'm not going to tell you who to vote for, that's not my job. Vote for Clinton, vote for Trump, vote for Ash from Evil Dead (my personal fave), that is entirely up to you. You're all adults (hopefully), legally speaking at least. The important thing, however, is that you do vote. Just please make sure it's based off of a somewhat informed decision and not because "It's like they're saying exactly what I've been thinking..." or "They're speaking from my soul..."

And with that, I bid everyone adieu. Again, don't forget to send in those absentee ballot requests!    

Drowning in K-pop: Aug. 29th-Sept. 4th

I can't really say that I'm too excited about the K-pop offerings from last week, but that's what happens when most of the really strong songs get released during the first half of the month. Let's see...there were Hyuna's and CL's comebacks as solo artists...then Black Pink debuted...and then BTS' Suga aka Yoongi aka Agust D released his mixtape...and in between there were a few other solid songs, but this past week has been kind of meh in that area. There wasn't anything that got me really excited...except for maybe Jay Park, but I'll get to that a bit later. Other than that, I've mainly been listening to metal or techno while out and about or to mashups and remixes when I've been at home. However, I still managed to find a few songs that might be of some interest to you guys.

1. Lovelyz' Kei and MyunDo (feat. BUMZU) - Y


Kei (러블리즈) & myunDo _ Y (feat.BUMZU) MV von lee-cheng-yu

Okay, so this isn't my fave, but that doesn't mean that it's not a good song. I mean, Lovelyz' Kei has a, dare I say, lovely voice and I like the interplay of the rap segments with her vocals. However, this is something I would listen to while relaxing or have it play in the background, as opposed to listening to it while I'm out running errands or exercising.

2. HOMME - Dilemma


Homme - Dilemma MV [English subs + Romanization... von LoveKpopSubs

Say what?! Another slow song?!?! What's wrong with you?!?!?! Well...how much time do we have? I'm kidding, but this week was kind of full of slower song releases, so you're going to be seeing...at least one more of those in this post. This is a fairly sad song, but it does do a good job of describing the pain and worry one has to contend with when dealing with love. Ugh, feelings...so annoying, amirite?! (And no, I don't actually think that.) What particularly impresses me is that the song was co-written by Rap Monster from BTS, and while I initially couldn't really imagine the rapper working with this duo whose strong suit is their ballads, he pulled it off really well. So I will gladly listen to this sad love song...not all the time though because I...I just can't...

3 and 4. MAMAMOO subunits - Angel (Solar & Wheein) and Dab Dab (Moonbyul & Hwasa)





I like MAMAMOO. Granted, they're not at the top of my list when it comes to picking out workout songs, not unless they're remixes, but they do have great voices, a ton of personality and are unexpectedly dorky and pervy, so all positives in my book. While Angel is another one of those slow songs that are perfect to listen to on a calm, relaxing afternoon (assuming you can afford such a luxury), Dab Dab would be right at home in a lounge setting. And yes, I was expecting something slightly more hardcore or edgier from the two rappers in the group, but this is actually fairly typical of the group's sound as a whole, so no major complaints from me there.

And 5. *drumroll please* Jay Park - Aquaman (Warning: I wouldn't sing this out loud at work, unless you work at home, then sing along all you want.)

[Disclaimer: Don't be led astray by the title, this is not about DC Comics' superhero of the same name. It's about Jay Park's...uh...ability to hold his breath underwater. Yeah...we'll just go with that explanation.]


박재범 Jay Park Aquaman [Official Music Video... von realfour

*slow clap* This. Song. Is. Amazeballs. This was actually recommended to me by a friend (and no, not that kind of "friend") and her main selling point was its amazing, nay astonishing, douchiness. And she was right and it's just glorious. It is kind of douchey, but in probably the best possible way. Besides, this is coming from the same guy who gave us the song Sex Trip ("Your ass will go up and your face will go down..."...what could he have possibly been trying to tell us with that line? Hmm...), so I don't know what exactly I was expecting from him. If you're annoyed by listening to lyrics you don't understand, no worries, because the whole song is in English. (Unless you don't understand English, of course...in which case, welcome to my blog!) However, once he says that he wants to call you mama because you're going to be making a baby, you just might end up wishing it was in Korean. That being said, there are worse songs out there. This one's actually kind of okay and it makes me laugh, so that's a plus. I would also say that you might like this song if you enjoy listening to Justin Bieber or Drake.

With that, I will wrap up this entry and hopefully, there is a song here that you like (either because it's something you enjoy listening to or because it's just plain amusing, sometimes that's more than enough). Feel free to let me know what your faves are, or even if you have a fave. Like I said, I thought the past week was kind of lackluster, but that's just me and my very humble opinion. Until next time and take care (especially if Jay Park invites you to join him in his hot tub and wants to show you his best Aquaman impression)!

On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Eight (Welcome to the Downward Spiral)

To start things off, I am writing this entry earlier than usual because, for some bizarre reason, my body decided it wanted to wake up before 6 a.m. today. Now, mind you, I have no business or reason being up at that time. I don't have kids, I don't have a partner, I don't have any pets... There is no job or appointment I have to get to...no obligations that might explain why I woke up and couldn't return to my own personal land of slumber. Which kind of irks me because, considering how I've been feeling for the past week or so, I could've really used the extra couple of hours of relative peace and quiet. Sleep currently is really the only time when I am safe from my own thoughts. But alas no...I am awake and have been for the past five hours (probably for more than that by the time I am done with this entry), and it would be super swell, if I were to continue feeling as neutral or even borderline empty (emotionally speaking) as I am now. However, I'm guessing that this will probably only last until lunchtime...

And for those of you wondering why I even bothered mentioning something like that, it's because our emotions are oftentimes connected to food or other lifestyle habits and so my current emotional state has naturally had an impact on things like my food intake (although it is probably the opposite of what you guys might expect). Besides, how I am feeling will probably be reflected in what I am about to write, so this is just a disclaimer of sorts, so that you at least have an idea of where certain types of phrasing (especially of the harsher variety and especially those directed at me) are coming from.

So, here are my notes/observations/complaints from the past month regarding my weight loss/fitness journey:

1. Treading through quicksand - The closer I have been getting to my goal weight range, the slower my progress seems to get. In fact, this is the first month during which I even gained weight from one week to the next...which was so much fun... In addition to that, there haven't been any major changes to my measurements. So yeah, basically the climb up my very own Mt. Everest (or Kilimanjaro or Fuji, if you prefer) has become a whole lot more steep and difficult to manage. That being said, I somehow still managed to lose 3 kg/a little less than 7 lbs and decrease the size of my waist and hips by a total of another 6 cm/approximately 2.4 inches over the past month. So, not huge progress (for me at least or at least not compared to some of the other months), but progress all the same.

2. The Starvation Games - You know how some people like to eat their feelings? Yeah...I'm not one of them. I used to be. I've gone through phases of stress-eating, but I tend to be less of a stress-eater and more of a stress-starver. This has become blatantly apparent (yet again) over the past week when I experienced a few disappointments in my life and am now struggling with the mental and emotional repairs and damage control. So yeah, there's a lot going on upstairs at the moment. At any given moment really, but now it's more like Black Friday at Walmart, whereas before it was more like lunch rush at the cafeteria... And just to give you an idea of what I mean by stress-starving, let me provide you with a sample of my meals from one of the past days (it's from Tuesday): 2 tablespoons of amaranth with figs and pumpkin/sunflower seeds, one cup of peppermint tea, one small coffee and one roll from the bakery (that was my splurge). Oh, I also had lots and lots of water, but yeah, that was seriously all I had that day. I just couldn't eat more. (Keep in mind, that I am eating so little and still sticking to a regimen of close to 80 minutes of oftentimes hardcore exercise on most days.) Partially it's simply because my appetite is almost completely gone, it's been all but wiped out, it's currently in the ICU...but it's also because keeping a tight leash on my food intake as well as on my workouts makes me feel like I'm in control of something. When people or life in general hurt you or let you down, you try to cope in whatever way possible, and while my way could certainly be worse, I also realize that it's still maladaptive. Unfortunately, this is also my very own way of punishing myself (because I'm obviously such a terrible person and in dire need of punishment...). Oddly enough, I did something very similar back in January and that lasted 5-6 weeks, so I guess we'll see how long this lasts... And yes, I know some of you (like, two maybe three of you) are worried that I'm borderline (or even full-blown) anorexic, you worry about my occasionally (or frequently) low caloric intake, and I would laugh at that, but a) that's kind of mean (especially when confronted with sincere concern), b) there are also plenty of people my size who are anorexic and c) it's true that I don't necessarily have the healthiest relationship with food at times. I appreciate the concern (or a part of me does), but there's nothing you can really do other than hope that the storm will run its course fairly quickly and leave behind relatively little damage.

3. Looking without seeing - One of the things that irks me the most, or that I always feel tremendously conflicted about, is receiving compliments on my physical changes. Men actually seem to not notice that much, either that or they're too afraid to say anything, so not much has changed in that department. I mean, I have gotten a couple of looks, especially on the rare occasions when I do show a tiny bit more skin (as in, I actually dare to show off my clavicle) or if it's in the evening and they've been drinking, but men don't really say too much and that's understandable to a certain extent (it might be considered inappropriate and viewed as a form of harassment, that's why). Or they really have better things to do...like looking at other chicks...or I don't know...concentrate on work and their studies and life... (And no, I don't suddenly want tons of men following me around and telling me how great I look. One would be more than enough... *sigh* Oh stop, Bettina, you're too funny...) No, pretty much all of the compliments or comments I've received have been from other women. I've had everyone from a cashier to the secretary from the Japanese Studies department to my dentist to a couple of friends tell me how great or amazing I supposedly look. Now, while that is certainly flattering (I did and still do put in a tremendous amount of effort into looking the way I look...which is kind of depressing...you would think I could do better), I'm also bothered by it. First off, there's always the implication that I didn't look good or wasn't worth noticing before. Secondly, it confirms my suspicions/beliefs/perception that one is really only worth something or worth noticing when one starts to achieve a certain size or look. And thirdly...you see what I look like when I'm dressed. You're basing your assessment off of my clothed state which allows me to hide the train wreck that is lurking beneath to a certain extent. Sure, clothes fit better and I can fit into a smaller size, but they still are hiding a huge mess. One that I don't think exercise and diet alone can fix, one that I have to look at and live in/with and touch and deal with every. single. day. (How do I cope? Uhh...I usually just try to ignore my body. Yeah, I just kind of pretend it's not even there.) And if you think I'm exaggerating, I want you to imagine a balloon. It's nice, right? It's fun to look at and play with. (Unless you're afraid of balloons, in which case I apologize, but it's the best analogy I could come up with.) Now imagine that that balloon, after it has been inflated for what seems like forever, is slowly losing air and starting to get smaller. Is it still pleasant to look at? No! No, of course it's not. It looks sad and wrinkly and droopy and flabby. Nobody wants to play with the dying, deflating balloon. And that is how I feel about my body more times than I care to admit. Granted, I'm not saying that my body looked better when I had more fat to fill everything out and I'm not going to regain the weight in hopes of becoming a more inflated balloon again, but I guess it's just a reminder of how much work I still have ahead of me. I always feel conflicted when I look at myself because it makes me aware both of how much I've accomplished and how much I still have to do. So, I think what I'm trying to say is to be aware that just because you might mean well with your compliments, you aren't being subjected to the whole picture. You only have to look at the tip of the iceberg. You don't know how the other person feels about their own body or appearance, and unfortunately, we can't all be Ashley Graham who comes across as fierce and gorgeous and hot and super confident, and seems to have every reason to feel that way. All I can say is to try and be patient, be aware that this person (that would be me in this very specific instance) is currently in the middle of a very long and tough journey and to not get upset when they aren't necessarily super thrilled about receiving your compliments. Best case scenario, you'll get the slightest and most forced of smiles...maybe a very awkward and borderline confused "Thank you"...worst case, you'll get a complete rejection of your compliment and a "You're only saying that because you haven't seen me naked."

Well, I think that's enough about that topic for now, so let's see how this month goes...

And just a friendly reminder: I'm not saying that how I'm coping or what I'm doing is the only or even right way. I'm not saying starve yourselves, I'm not promoting anorexia or other eating disorders or excessive exercise. This is just me processing my journey and my struggles along the way. Just because I'm doing it that doesn't make it good or right.

Drowning in K-pop: August 22nd-28th

To be completely honest, this past week wasn't really that exciting in terms of K-pop releases. Then again, I'm also comparing this to the last couple of weeks when there was a greater variety to choose from. However, that doesn't mean that I didn't like any of the songs that came out, so here are my faves:

1. Tymee - Cinderella



This is one of those instances where the video and song just don't quite line up for me. While I like the song, Tymee's rap skills are quite decent and she has one of those voices I really like, I feel like the video was more of an afterthought. Either the lip-synching doesn't quite match up or she's just not really matching her facial expression to the lyrics...there's just a bit of a disconnect. Also, can we talk about the outfit and "dance" for one second? I get it, she's a "hip hop Cinderella", but I'm getting some minor Lil Kim vibes from this outfit...although she is far less explicit than Miss Kim. I guess I just wanted her to dress more like her backup dancers. I don't mind the body suit per se, but it still strikes me as a bit of an odd choice. On to the choreography: What is up with the slow twerk and the slapping of the chest? I mean, sure, I think there are plenty of women out there who like to fluff their own pillows from time to time, be it for fun or out of sheer boredom (and no, I won't say whether or not I belong to that group), but I'm not sure it makes a whole lot of sense here. Then again, I have yet to look up what the lyrics mean, so maybe it would make more sense then... Like I said, decent song, could have done without the video.

2. Two X - Over



Eye candy alert!!! Like major eye candy...men with bulging biceps and chocolate abs (aka six pack abs) for days... So yeah, don't say Miss Bettina never gave you ladies and men-loving gentlemen anything. That being said, the group is comprised of four flawless-looking ladies, so there's pretty much something for everyone. While some/many/most might consider the sight of bulked up men to be droolworthy because, let's face it, they are very nice to look at, I found myself almost falling over laughing while watching this video. In fact, I still do. Why? Well, because they slow the speed down when they focus on the men. They focus on the movement of their arms while they're busy sauteing garlic and...shallots?...don't judge, I was too busy laughing to pay attention!...or while they're kneading dough. (And no, kneading dough isn't meant as a euphemism, the one guy is actually busy preparing dough for...pasta...or something like that...) Either way, it's a very memorable video and fortunately, the song isn't too shabby either.

3. ELO - Rose



This is just a great song to bliss out or slow dance to. I find myself swaying to the beat of it with my eyes closed every single time I listen to it. It's so great that I've put the whole album on my must-play list.

4. Kreatures - Some Say



Another slower paced song, this is also perfect to listen to while relaxing. I also applaud the video for including some homoerotic tension (and yes, I do realize that one could argue that similar types of tension are hidden in many other K-pop videos), although it is kind of creepy that we see a lot of it taking place in a parking garage with not only some strange dude standing outside of the car with a cigarette, but also the whole friggin' band playing nearby... But to each his or her own, amirite? Still, another great song.

5. Spica - Secret Time


I like Spica because they have some of the most solid and soulful voices in K-pop, or even in general, so I was kind of looking forward to this one. Granted, this isn't as good as You Don't Love Me (which I looove singing along to), but this is still a more than decent song.

And that is what I consider to be the highlights of yet another week's worth of K-pop. Hopefully, I have managed to pick at least one song that you guys can enjoy as well! Until next time!

Netflix and Chill with B: Scream (Season 2)

Credit: spoilertv.com

Okay...so technically I could have typed up this post last Wednesday, but I knew that I was going to be seeing Suicide Squad on Friday and was planning on writing something about that, so I wanted to space out my posts a little bit. Besides, if I'm being completely honest, a tiny part of me may or may not have been hoping for another episode to come out today. And yes, I'm fully aware that that makes little to no sense. The episode last week was clearly the finale.

Here, my notes on and observations about the second season (again, with as few spoilers as possible) as well as the series in general:

1. Things old and new - Despite the series aiming to entertain a whole new group of teenagers (not to mention that the storyline is now being layed out specifically to fit a series format, which just continues to show that series are the new movies) and me wondering whether or not I'm technically too old to watch the new Scream, some things just simply don't change. Mainly the use of actors who are technically too old to be playing teenagers, but oddly enough they strike me as younger (or maybe just more youthful looking?) than their predecessors. But hey, nowadays 50s are the new 40s, 40s the new 30s, 30s the new 20s, and 20s are the new teens. People just looked older a couple of decades ago I guess...oh wow...that's right...the first Scream movie did come out almost 20 years ago, didn't it? Dude...I'm so old!!! I'm kidding...I've always been old. Anywho...as is also to be expected, the show features some of the most flawless looking teenagers ever, which is something I usually try not to pay too much attention to. It's their job to look like that, so as long as nobody expects me to look like that (and that's including myself), everything should be fine.

2. Ode to horror - Considering that the movies were already a love song to the whole horror genre, it would be shocking, if the series didn't follow suit. However, I still had a minor geek-out (it happens, don't judge) when I saw the episode titles. Why? Because every single one is named after a horror movie (and if we're being technical, a few thrillers). Of course, there's Psycho and I Know What You Did Last Summer (very appropriate) as well as Village of the Damned and When a Stranger Calls. It really is the simple things after all...

3. Everyone's a suspect - As much as one may want to look down at the series for catering mostly to teenagers (and nostalgic 20/30-somethings) and being way too MTV (and yes, I know it airs on MTV, but one can tell by just watching it too), it does do a good job keeping the viewers on their toes. Granted, in season one I managed to figure out who the main killer was fairly quickly and easily...or at least I managed to figure out who was behind one of the masks... This time around, however, it wasn't so easy. Because at some point at least half of the characters seemed like viable choices. I thought I had finally figured it out by episode 10, which is hella late for a 12-episode season, but no, I had walked into the trap that the writers had set for me and for the rest of the audience too. Out of respect for those of you who haven't watched it and are still going to (or are at least thinking about it), I won't tell you who is behind the second mask, just that I was kind of mad at the big reveal. Well, not mad per se, but mildly irritated. Then again, this is Scream, meaning that this isn't the end (unless they decide to cancel the show without providing it with a proper ending...*cough* Hannibal *cough*), so we can expect an even bigger reveal at a later point in the series.

Overall, I enjoyed it. It wasn't only entertaining, it also managed to keep me guessing. Oh, and I also greatly appreciated the final standoff scene that was very reminiscent of the first Scream movie. Watch it and you'll know what I'm talking about.    

Drowning in K-pop: Aug. 15th - 21st

Credit: kpopscene.com

A new week has started meaning that I get to look back at another week's worth of K-pop releases. However, since there are so many of them, maybe I should just whittle them down to the few that I deem to be particularly noteworthy...CL's Lifted not included. I'm sorry, but I just wasn't that into it. I like CL as part of the group 2NE1, but she just doesn't do it for me as a solo artist. Most of her solo releases have been more miss than hit for me. However, if you want to listen to a K-pop song that's completely in English or if you like the songs that are about getting one's drink or swag on, then you should absolutely look it up. And if you don't like that I'm not Team CL or that I don't want to suddenly get lifted with my shorties downing 40s, then go ahead and hate. It's like a wise woman once said: Ain't nobody got time for that!

Credit: starpolar.wikia.com

Anyway...if I'm not going to talk about possibly one of the most beloved comebacks of the past week, which I technically still did, then what songs made the cut?

1. BU - Heotdari



I'm actually not entirely sure how to transcribe the title, so I just went with what made the most sense to me, at least based off of what I've seen and what little I know of Korean. It's a very decent song and she does have a good voice. She kind of reminds me of Lee Hi, vocally speaking. Since she doesn't belong to one of the bigger companies, one can't really expect a super high quality or elaborate video. However, I still think they did a good job and it looks like they actually had fun, so that's always a plus. Besides, I appreciate the use of background dancers sporting some serious mermaid thighs. And yes, that was meant to be positive.

2. EXO - Lotto



Okay...yes...I do like this song. One moment you think you've outgrown boy bands and then they just manage to reel you in again...and again...and again... Granted, it's very heavy handed with the autotune, but that's intentional. Or at least I hope it is. I don't like this as much as Lucky One or Monster though because both of those were pretty great and catchy. That being said, I'm kind of amused by the baby baller/swag lite image that the group went for this time around.

3. BTS' Suga - Agust D/Give It To Me


Agust D (BTS) - Agust D [MV] von svaensk


Agust D (SUGA from BTS) - give it to me [MV] von svaensk

It's rare for me to immediately be swept off my feet when I listen to a song for the first time. However, Suga did do quite a good job with his mixtape. And yes, I did actually listen to all of it, and because I'm such an awesome person, I will also share the rest of the songs with you. To be completely honest, Agust D and Give It To Me aren't even really my favorite tracks off of the mixtape (mine are 724148, The Last and Tony Montana...my brother would be so proud...), but they're both still worth listening to. Especially if you're into rap or hip hop, which aren't usually my go-to genres, but oh well.




4. Beatburger - Vagabond



This is probably a bit more up my alley or at least closer to what I listen to when I'm out and about or working out. It's also not really what comes to mind initially, when one thinks about K-pop. I would say that the sound is in the same vein as music from The Prodigy.

5. IMGL - My World/Hey You





Again, not really the most representative song of K-pop, but oddly enough this is closer to what I listen to when I'm out amongst the people. As for a Euroamerican equivalent, I would say that these two songs are fairly reminiscent of someone like Adam Lambert...albeit with a slightly more narrow vocal range and less power.

And now you can all resume hating me for not liking CL's Lifted. Either that, or you can go back to feeling mostly indifferent about K-pop.      

B's Night at the Movies: Suicide Squad

Credit: youtube.com

Yes, I saw it, and yes, I am going write about it (and I'll try to keep it relatively brief...for my standards at least). But I promise to keep it as spoiler-free as possible. This is mostly going to be about my personal impressions anyway.
So, I watched this yesterday with one of my friends. And no, I don't mean a "friend," I mean an actual friend. And yes, I do have a couple of those, believe it or not.

My overall impression: I liked the movie and I am all for the Hollywood-powers-that-be to do the same thing with the DC Comic-verse that they've been doing with the Marvel adaptations for the past few years. Granted, I do prefer Marvel a tiny bit over DC, but who am I to say no to the cinematic version of any comic or graphic novel?

First off, here are a couple of things that I enjoyed the most:

1. Staying in the (comic) family - As I hope some of you know (otherwise this will be a spoiler), Will Smith stars as Deadshot in this movie. I personally find this to be funny because his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith is also a part of the DC family because she plays Fish Mooney in the TV series Gotham. Now, I'm not sure if they did this on purpose to mess with the fans, or if they both just really happen to love the DC comics. Or it really is just a coincidence. Either way, I got a good laugh out of it.

2. The soundtrack - If there are two things I love (and I said things, not people), they would be movies and music. And I think that music can make or break a movie, just like it can set the right tone for a series (e.g.: Supernatural). That being said, I thoroughly enjoyed the selection for Suicide Squad. The songs aren't all from one composer or from one decade or era, and yet they all kind of fit. We have Johnny Cash and Queen (and you all know which Queen song they picked, right?), then there was K7's Come Baby Come (which I love listening to to get my energy up or if I'm in the mood to be the teensiest bit reckless...healthy reckless, not regretful reckless), and of course Twenty One Pilots' Heathens (great song) along with my current anthem Sucker For Pain from Lil Wayne/Wiz Khalifa/Imagine Dragons.

On to a few notes of caution:

1. Affleck-man - Also known as the new Batman, who yes, makes a couple of guest appearances. Who do you think put away some of those bad guys? *sigh* I am not a fan. I am still not on board with Ben Affleck as Batman. But alas, I don't get a say in the matter, so I'll just have to...I don't know...wait him out? I guess... I mean, I really liked Bale as Batman...or Michael Keaton...or Adam West...or the boy playing Bruce Wayne before he even became the Caped Crusader on Gotham. (The actor's name is David Mazouz, by the way.) Can we get him to take over the role? You know what, I wouldn't be completely opposed to George Clooney and the nipples on the Batsuit making a comeback. Just not Affleck. Don't worry, I just have to work my way through the various stages of grief and then I should be good.

2. Abstain from comparing - I shouldn't even have to mention this, but...try not to compare this movie to Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy, or to the various DC series like Gotham or Arrow, or even to its Marvel counterpart. Because if you do, you might start to feel conflicted, which will inevitably lead to confusion and then to frustration and then to depression and then to anger and then to hate and then to the Dark Side. I'm kidding, but you really are better off just viewing this movie as its own entity. Even if it is supposed to be a part of a larger movie franchise...

In order to wrap things up, again, I did actually enjoy the movie. If you like the comic adaptations, if you're a fan of DC, if you like a good soundtrack or action movie, I would still watch it. I, for one, can't wait for the next one in the series to come out, which should be...Wonder Woman!!! (At least as far as I could tell.)

Drowning in K-pop: Aug. 8th-14th

Some of you might be surprised that I'm posting something about K-pop, but those of you who know a bit more about me might be aware that I contribute to a website about Korean music/TV/cinema/culture (you should be able to find the link in my links list on this blog). However, the question still remains: Why a post about K-pop on my personal blog of all things?

There are two answers to this: 1) Because I can discuss the newest releases in a way that I probably shouldn't on the other website, at least not without it being an op-ed piece. Besides, it's happened quite a bit that a new song has come out, but I don't notice it until a week later, at which point it's pretty useless to write about it. Those K-pop lovers are pretty much on it when it comes to release dates... And 2) Because up until the end of July, I had a standing lunch date with a friend every Monday and one of the topics that would inevitably come up would be the latest K-pop releases and what our personal thoughts on them were. Unfortunately, now that friend has left the country and probably won't be returning, that is if she can help it, so I am left alone with my opinions and nobody really to vent to. Outside of Facebook and a few very confused individuals in my inner circle, that is.

Of course, there's always answer No. 3, which is: Because I can and it's fun. 

I will try my best to include posts about music that isn't K-pop, but since I already wind up paying more attention to this type of music out of habit/"necessity" anyway, it's just easier for me to write about songs that belong to this category.

So, let's get started, shall we?

1. B.A.P - That's My Jam

One of my favorite K-pop boy bands and groups in general, B.A.P also seems to be one of the overall faves of K-pop fans worldwide. They have both plenty of talent and personality, so it's always interesting to see what they can come up with for each new song and album. That being said, That's My Jam is not my favorite song of the week. It's a great party song, there's a lot of great energy, I know I'll have no issues working out to it and I do thoroughly enjoy the video (I mean, they spoof everything from reality and talk shows to whole channels to their own music videos...), but unfortunately, it came out the same week as Black Pink's debut songs (which I will mention here in a bit), and I happened to like one of those a tiny bit more.

2 (and 3). Black Pink - Boombayah and Whistle

Boombayah:

BLACKPINK - BOOMBAYAH [MV] von svaensk

Whistle:

BLACKPINK - WHISTLE [MV] von svaensk

This has probably been one of the most highly anticipated debuts of the year...mainly because it's been several years in the making. I can't really say that I was too excited for this group though, but that's more than likely because way too many people were losing their isht over them. Now, before I move on to the videos (yeah, one song wasn't enough...they had to follow the trend of releasing multiple videos to multiple title songs), I'm just going to get something out of the way and the hardcore K-pop fans probably aren't going to like it: 2NE1 2.0. For those of you who don't get it, and nobody expects you to, 2NE1 is another group signed to the same company as Black Pink and up until May of this year, they also had four members. In addition to that, the sound is also kind of reminiscent of 2NE1. If you don't believe me, look up the mashup for Black Pink's Boombayah and 2NE1's Fire. There's a reason they go so well together. However, Black Pink, as pretty as they are, seem to have more uniform of a look than their seniors do. What I mean is, that the only one who, initially at least, really stands out is Lisa, visually speaking. Of course, those who are used to looking at these girls can tell them apart. The untrained eye would have a couple of issues figuring out who is who though. 2NE1, on the other hand, featured four uniquely different personalities and you could tell by looking at them. All points of comparison aside, I certainly wasn't mad at their debut. One can be as aggravated at YG Entertainment and its tendency to flake and procrastinate as one wants, but it did deliver in this case. Whereas Whistle delivered my favorite line of the week ("Make 'em whistle like a missile"), Boombayah has to be my favorite song of the week. And it also features the very relatable line "I don't want a boy, I need a man" because ain't that the friggin' truth.

4. I.O.I's subunit (oddly enough still called I.O.I because that's not confusing at all)- Whatta Man


I wanted to like this song and video more, I really did, but it kind of bothers me. The song is decent, I actually don't have any major complaints about the song itself. It samples Linda Lyndell's 1968 hit song (or if you're a bigger fan of 90s hip hop: Salt-n-Pepa's and En Vogue's cover version), which is what really drew me in, but the video...bothers me. First of all, the half-assed und mostly unnecessary hair flips. If your hair's up in a ponytail, you don't need to flip it! If you're already halfway across the room with your back turned to the intended target of your sassiness, no flipping of the hair! You missed your chance! And don't pick up your hair and then semi-listlessly drop it! But I can't really blame those girls, can I? The director probably wanted them to "switch it up" and "keep it fresh." Then, of course, there are the outfits and the dance. I appreciate that they tried to incorporate the Mr. Universe stance into the choreography, but what works for BTS (most of them at least) and their more pronounced biceps, doesn't really work for the slender arms of I.O.I. As for the outfits, the group's agency claimed that they had no idea why anyone would think that they were sexy. Well, umm, maybe it's because they stuck them in semi-tight leather outfits with some interesting harnessing details. Of course, it would be wrong to call the girls themselves sexy (even if I might have inadvertently done so in one of my articles...I know, I'm part of the problem, not the solution...I'm trying to work on it), especially considering that the face of the group (and yes, there is a face of the group...usually the most visually appealing one) is, as far as I know, still 15. Even if she isn't anymore, that would still only make her 16. So, to make a long story short, the song and concept probably weren't the best choices for the group. Sure, they have decent enough voices, but the song would have been a better fit for a group like Rainbow, whereas the concept is more up Nine Muses' alley.

5. INX - Alright


This isn't my favorite song. While I do appreciate seeing a man tied up and in a blindfold (oh what?! Are we really surprised by that statement?), and parts of it kinda sorta reminded me of MBLAQ's Smoky Girl, I wasn't really wowed by it. Maybe that's just because I'm comparing it to some of the other releases because it's certainly not a bad song. I'm just not as impressed by it comparatively speaking nor do I have that much to say about the group or the song and video (I know, you're all relieved by that).

6. J-MIN - Ready For Your Love


As some of you may already know, I am not the biggest fan of the slow jams. I have to be in a certain mood and in a certain setting for me to enjoy slower R&B songs or ballads of any type. However, I can still say that this is a good song and video. In terms of choreography, it's non-existent, which is always a nice change of pace for K-pop. And soundwise this reminds me of those pop songs from the early/mid 90s (you know, like Seal's Kiss From A Rose), which isn't actually a bad thing. J-MIN does have a beautiful voice after all. Even though it won't be a go-to song for one (or any) of my workouts, it is one of those songs that I enjoy singing along to or have playing in the background.

7. Jun.K - Think About You


Jun.K - Think About You MV [English subs... von LoveKpopSubs

ERMEHGERD!!! Look at Jun.K and those yummy abs of his!!! I'm kidding...mostly. Of course, the guy shows off his body and why shouldn't he? It's part of his job, after all. I mean...I'm not entirely sure if he actually gets paid to take off that very sensible cardigan of his, but he's selling a fantasy to all of da ladies while singing about how he thinks about them. It is quite the sexy song, and if you like R&B in general or the music from his probably more familiar contemporaries Drake or Usher, you'll probably enjoy Jun.K's music too.

8. MONSTA X - Stuck


If I were to sing a song about this song, I would call it Conflicted because that's how I feel about it. I like some parts of it, but then others not so much. Then again, I'm not really that into MONSTA X... In general though, I would say that this is still a fairly decent song. Even if the lyrics might come across as borderline stalkeriffic, but hey, no judgment on my part.     

9. Stellar - Love Spell


As much as I love Stellar and I want them to do well and I'm glad that they're slowly able to distance themselves from their sexy image, especially since it turns out they didn't necessarily want to be stuck with it to begin with, this is not really my favorite song of theirs. It's nice and sweet and I'm okay with having it play in the background or listening to it while enjoying the nice weather outside, it's not really at the top of my playlist.

10. Suran - Paradise Go


[MV] SURAN(수란) _ Paradise Go(떠날랏꼬) von suzu151091

Believe it or not, I am completely unfamiliar with this artist. (Say whaaat?!) Granted, I'm also completely unfamiliar with J-MIN, but at least I was aware of her existence. I had never even heard of Suran until I saw this video. This song follows another trend in K-pop: tropical house. It seems that every other song that has been released this summer has at the very least featured some elements of tropical house. Or maybe that's just my impression. However, I don't necessarily mind it and her voice actually is very well-suited to the genre.

11. UP10TION - Tonight


Oh UP10TION... Really? We went the cute route? I think it's fine, but it's not my favorite song of theirs. Actually, I've only really liked one of their songs so far... Okay, it's a fun and very lighthearted song...so again, something that I could only really listen to under very specific circumstances.

And finally 12. Y TEEN - Do Better


Y teen (MONSTA X) & (Cosmic Girls) - Do Better... von svaensk

Consisting of MONSTA X and part of Cosmic Girls, I did want to like this collaboration because I think it's great when K-pop goes co-ed. However, this wasn't really my cup of tea. Parts of it were promising, but most of it just was a bit too High School Musical for me. Then again, maybe MONSTA X is to blame...or maybe I should just start listening to more MONSTA X, maybe they'll grow on me, which would actually be fairly typical of K-pop...

Hopefully, this was at the very least mildly entertaining for you guys and maybe I can continue doing this if not on a weekly basis, maybe on a monthly basis, but with a slightly different format.     

Netflix and Chill with B: Orphan Black (Season Four)

Credit: bbcamerica.com

Despite this having aired on TV a couple of months ago, I just got around to watching season four of Orphan Black last week on Netflix. I know, for shame Miss Bettina...for shame. (And what about Game of Thrones? - It's on my list, for crying out loud! I'll let you know when I get around to it...)
Aside from this featuring my dream role - I mean, who wouldn't want to play their own personal version of "50 Shades of..." (as in, multiple versions of oneself...Red Room of Pain optional) - Orphan Black is one of those shows that I have to be in a very particular mood for. I can't be distracted by things like washing the dishes or cooking or cleaning or working on my thesis. I also can't watch it post-workout and post-workout-shower in the evening because, come 10 p.m., I start to become increasingly drowsy and only want to watch visual fluff that essentially serves as my personal white noise.

However, with episode titles like The Scandal of Altruism and The Antisocialism of Sex, the series has already got my full attention. That is, when I'm not drifting off to sleep or have to take care of my other obligations. It's called life, people. I can't just sit around bingeing to death on Netflix shows. That would drive me crazy after a while. Or I might actually die due to neglecting my other needs...
While I would like to say that season four is when the isht really hits the fan, I think that's what half of the series is about, isn't it? You think that these clone sisters or "sestras" will finally find the solution to all of their problems and that some kind of natural order (whatever, that may be) will be restored, only to have it all go to hell in a handbasket within a matter of half an episode. And then the cycle repeats itself ad infinitum.

Of course, we have the Umbrella Corp...uhh, I mean Neolution to thank for this ginormous mess. Let's face it, and I'm sure plenty of other people have already come up with this comparison, Neolution might as well be Umbrella Corporation. Orphan Black might as well be the TV version of Resident Evil, just without the zombies and with slightly more sex. No joke, Evie Cho in the ad for the fertility clinic could have just as easily replaced that one faceless chick in the cosmetics ad for the Umbrella Corporation (was that for Apocalypse or Evolution though...?).

As much as I appreciate the similarities between the two conglomerates of evil, and of course the featuring of a May-December relationship between an older woman and a younger man, I'm not entirely sure I'm okay with the direction that the show is going in. In fact, I'm not even sure I know which direction the show is going in. However, I also think that that's intentional on the show's part. I don't think that they want the viewers to know what will happen next or what it all means. Part of the fun is to just enjoy the ride...and then get irritated and yell at your laptop because something else went horribly wrong.

Also, I still think that there might be something seriously messed up with Kira. She was just out of it for most of the season and I almost thought she was going to pull a Haley Joel Osment on me or suddenly stab someone in a few of the scenes. Then again, she is a girl who has (yet again) been pulled away from a stable home and family life, so she's bound to be fed up and borderline traumatized by the whole situation.

Favorite clone: That's a really tough decision because they all kind of have their merits, even Crystal and Helena. However, I would probably have to go with Cosima. She's just incredibly sweet and smart with her very own unique moral compass (and she has those cool dreadlocks), so yeah, I would definitely go with Cosima.

Rating: If I had to give the show, or this season in particular, any type of rating (not that it really matters in the grand scheme of things, but it's fun to think about), I would probably give it a 9 out of 10. Like I said, I'm not sure I'm okay with the direction the series is taking because it seems like it's drifting farther away from the science side of sci-fi and entering the realm of the fantastical and outright bizarre. However, the series as a whole is pretty great and probably deserves a 10.
 

On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Seven (Next Station: Stagnation?)

Yes, I know... I haven't posted in over two months (with the exception of last night's little writing exercise) and it's technically month eight, but considering that this is more of a retrospective, let's just not question it, okay? 

Now, as with all of these entries (or pretty much anything I write), this isn't meant as something you should model your life after. Just because something does or does not work for me, that doesn't mean that the same applies to you. If you're looking to lose weight or tone up or maintain weight, it's important to figure out what works or doesn't work for you. Besides, I can't necessarily claim to have always gone about this journey in the best way possible. 

With 5-15 kg/11-33 lbs left until I reach my goal weight range, which I still refuse to disclose openly on my blog, it seems that my body has decided to step on the brakes ever so slightly. Yes people, we are nearing the land of Stagnation. Just in case you've never been, it's a magical place that manages to lure in plenty of visitors right before they reach their desired destination. Unfortunately, it is also a place that is easy to get lost in and, in many cases, people simply lose hope and return to their point of departure or to places that are even farther away. If you belong to the group of people who have never had to pass through Stagnation or whose route took them nowhere near it, lucky you, this clearly isn't meant for you. 

I, however, have been mentally and emotionally preparing for this moment ever since I started this journey. And before you get all uppity and say "Bettina, why do you always to be so pessimistic?!" I want you think about this for just a second...or five: The more you weigh, the more calories you need, the more calories you burn just by existing. Now, when you start to lose weight, your body naturally doesn't need as much fuel, meaning it will start to use less fuel. Unless I decide to introduce bigger changes into my nutrition and exercise program, unless I find ways to increase my muscle mass, my body's going to become complacent. For a while at least. It's essentially like nearing a black hole. We all want to know what's on the other side of one, but since we don't even know if there is an "other side," we prefer to stay at a very comfy distance from it. I'm not entirely sure that that analogy made sense, but it did in my head, so I'm going with it. And no, I'm not saying we should try to send people through black holes Hunger Games-style. Through luck of the draw or winning the lottery. 

So no, preparing for my weight to come to a halt isn't me being pessimistic, it's me being realistic. The odds, one might say, are not necessarily in my favor. In fact, I'm surprised that I made it this far as quickly as I did. I barely lost anything during the first month, I've had to (and still have to) deal with several health issues along the way, both expected (Hashimoto's thyroiditis) and unexpected (elevated uric acid levels which could and actually still might lead to gout), so even if I do hit my very own metaphorical wall, I already have plenty to be proud of. 

Will I still get frustrated when, or if, it happens? Of course! I would dare say that the closer I get to my goal weight, the more frustrated I'm going to be. Will I get mad? Ehh...probably. Will I give up? No. I haven't come this far and accomplished so much to just throw in the towel when the going gets tough because, let's face it, the going is pretty much always tough. I've shed so much blood, sweat and tears (and I mean that literally) that I refuse to let that wall stop me. I will find a way over, around or even through it, even it means putting in 3/6/9/12+ months of hard work with little to no results. 

Giving up is rarely an option for me. In pretty much all areas of life. Sure, sometimes I have to cut my losses or be a bit creative with my approach or even come up with plans B/C/D/E/etc., but as long as I haven't tried or done the best I can, I refuse to surrender. What an uplifting ending to this entry, right? I just made it sound like I'm going to war or something else similarly epic, which might actually be true on some level... 

Thank you for reading (to those of you who do actually stumble across these entries) and hopefully, I can finally get my act together and post more regularly! And take care on your own personal journeys!       

Harassment Season (aka Are Trains the New Disco?)

"Sorry, I don't mean to bother you. I'm just so happy! It's the weekend!! hahaha What?! We're still in the boonies?! hahaha" 

I honestly couldn't tell whether or not the guy was drunk, high or had simply spent too much time in the sun. But, and maybe this is just me, if you're invading someone's personal space with your dancing, opening a 40 right next to them, singing out loud and trying to stare them into submission, you clearly are looking to bother someone. Then again, what do I know about train decorum. I'm not Miss Manners and maybe he just received the best news ever, but I was just looking to get from point A to point B in peace and quiet. Who knows, maybe I just missed the memo that trains had become the new disco and was actually missing out on all the fun... 

And so I tried my best to ignore him. I didn't want to give him any reason to think that I was even remotely interested in his attempts at peacocking. I didn't respond to him, I tried to move as far away from him as possible and used up most of my energy to not give in to his stares. Despite not looking at him directly, I could tell that he was starting to get frustrated with the lack of reciprocation. "Just stay strong. Don't even try to sneak a peek at him. You're almost there... Why is the train moving so slowly?" Bizarrely enough, repeating these phrases almost sent me into a meditative state. However, I also couldn't wait to put as much space between him and me as possible. 

I've never been a fan of boisterous men...or women for that matter. While some people might think they're the life of the party, I just find them to be exhausting and annoying. Could I have my loud moments? Sure, but I usually only enjoyed those in the company of a trusted few and usually only in the privacy of someone's home. To me, there was simply a way one could act at home and a way one should act in public...which probably also explains why I barely have any friends. I couldn't help but think "Maybe people like to be annoyed... Maybe they like having someone completely disregard their boundaries..." 

Only a couple more minutes and then I would be free. Free from the confines of this train, free to breathe in fresh air...free from this dude's invasive stare... What did he want from me? What was he trying to accomplish? 

If only this were a one time thing, I could chalk it up as a freak accident. However, this wasn't the first time nor would it be the last time either. I had caught more than a few men staring over the past few days. Unfortunately, it was something that happened every so often and despite having had to deal with it for the past two decades, it still struck me as incredibly irritating and unnerving. I just wasn't sure why they were staring and what they were thinking. Did I even want to know? Probably not. Oddly enough, the increase in stares just so happened to line up with that time of the month. No, not THAT time. The time that happens two weeks before that. 

It made sense, hormonally speaking, that men would respond more favorably to a woman at her most fertile. On the downside, the responses were usually unsolicited and I still hadn't learned to tune them out. Would I ever be able to? Was it even my responsibility to learn how to tune them out?

Finally...the train has stopped...and I am facing the wrong side... I could always just use the excuse that I meant to look out this way, just in case anyone asked. Nobody would, but it's always good to be prepared. Okay, I'm almost outsi...what was that? Did someone just place a hand on my back? Of course...it has to be him. Of all the people in this universe, he has to be the one to touch me. 

What is he trying to do?! Guide me out of the train to my safety? Does he think I'm drunk because I was facing the wrong way? Or that I'm incapable of walking? Or navigating through a crowd of people? He better not move his hand further south... 

"Just move. Just move as quickly away as possible..." Thank you. Fresh air, room to move, no more unwanted hands on my back... Is he still behind me? Oh good...he just moved past me. Finally...a sense of relief... Maybe he has to get to his next moving disco... Now...if only I could locate my friend...     

On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Five

Yes, I know... I've been falling into old habits, at least when it comes to my writing. However, considering that I rarely have anything super exciting or pleasant to write about, I usually choose to abstain from it altogether.
Before I proceed, just a quick disclaimer: Just because something works for me (or just because I do things a certain way), in the areas of nutrition and fitness in this case, that does NOT mean that it will or even necessarily should work for you. I'm not saying that what I'm doing is the only or even the right way. This is just me processing my experience and passing along my thoughts and feelings. Are we all good? Yeah? Okay, let's move on then.
The last time I wrote was at the end of month one of my little journey, and I was a bit of a wreck. My whole January was just one big vortex of suckitude, and even though things have gotten better, I still have my ups and downs. That being said, I am still working out regularly and trying to eat as healthily as possible. So, those are the two major positives.
Since then, so in the past 3-4 months, I've lost roughly 20 kg (or 44 lbs for those of you who still haven't jumped on the metric bandwagon) and 92.5 cm (or approximately 36.4 inches) of my total body mass. My body feels somewhat firmer in places, I feel stronger, and my clothes fit better (well, they "fit better" in the sense that a lot of them are now borderline threatening to drown me, so a thorough closet cleanse followed by, and I shudder at the thought, a shopping spree are probably in order).
Of course, not all is well in the 'verse. Try as I might, I still can barely balance on my right leg, so any single-legged exercises (and I'm including lunges in this category) not only take longer to complete, they also usually involve quite a bit of stumbling or having to hold onto a door or chair. Despite getting stronger, losing fat and gaining muscle mass, I'm not quite as flexible or strong as I could or would like to be. You know those bridge poses that seem to be standard practice for yoga? Yeah...I still can't get my shoulders or even my head up off the floor. So those are certainly points of frustration for me. As for my physical appearance, I can't say that I've yet reached a point where I'm super thrilled about it. I do appreciate being able to see (and feel) my ab muscles more. Granted, I may never be able to take pride in being able to show off my own hand-chiseled six-pack, but it seems like I at the very least have the potential of developing my own two-pack (not to be confused with the late Tupac...RIP). Now, as hot and impressive as that might sound, the fact that I still have two fairly sizeable fat folds hanging off of my abs and that there are stretch marks that run up and down my torso definitely take away from that image of potential sexiness and strength (unless you're into that type of thing...I don't know what you people like). In addition to that, I'm trying to mentally prepare for the joy that is loose skin. Sure, I haven't reached my goal weight yet, nor have I even done everything in my power fitness-wise to try and counteract or prevent this unfortunate, potential side effect, but it's a very real possibility that I might wind up in a plastic surgeon's office at some point in the (nearish) future to talk about body and breast lifts. I'm not thrilled about it, in fact it kind of pisses me off, but the slight puckering of skin on my inner thighs or on my stomach and breasts serve as a constant reminder that that might be something that I'll feel compelled to look into at some point.
And yes, I realize that I just typed up a whole lot more stuff about the negatives than the positives. Unfortunately, I'm still at a point in this process where I see all the things that still need to be done. I'm more focused on how far I still have to go, instead of how far I've already come, which is a problem and one that I should probably work on.
Do I have any goals for next month? I've already met one of them way ahead of schedule, but other than that, it's really just going to be about continuing with what I'm currently doing. I'm going to continue with my workouts, I'm going to continue with my mostly healthy eating... The one thing that I need to be aware of, and this has been an issue since almost the very beginning of this journey, is my actual caloric intake. And it's not what you think. I don't really have the problem with eating too much or too often, at least not most of the time. No, I tend to either forget to eat (and yes, I have actually gone for 7-8 hours in between meals before it dawned on me that I should probably eat something again) or I just forgo food (be it because I'm simply not hungry or that I'm worried that I've eaten too much already or because I'm obviously a bit of a masochist and use abstinence from the various "joys" of life as a punishment/disciplinary device of sorts). Normally this doesn't faze me all too much mainly because this is what I'm used to. However, I have been told by one of my friends (repeatedly) that I might not be eating enough. I honestly don't know if this is true or not. To determine something like that, I would have to actually write down what I eat and how much, in addition to figuring out how many calories I actually need for my current physical state and activity level...and I'm just not quite ready for that. At some point, sure, it'll probably come to that. Until then, I'll just continue trying to listen to my own body and hopefully she'll know what she needs and when.
Since this has gotten way too long (again), I will end it here and maybe I'll get around to providing everyone (all of like the negative two of you reading) with more regular updates.
Take care! And remember, this is not meant to be a guide that you should model your own weight-loss efforts or life in general off of.  

On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month One

Since it's been awhile, I should probably write something again. Granted, I've had ideas, but not quite enough energy or motivation to do so. However, I decided to set myself a firm(ish) deadline this time, so here's to hoping (yet again) that I can keep this up. What topic am I going to cover this time around? Will it be another depressing post? That we will have to see, now won't we?
So, considering that I had been neglecting my workouts for the past few months (as in from September to December) and my life in general was filled with more downs than ups (it still is, but that's besides the point for now), I ended the year feeling increasingly sad and fat and ugly and disgusted with myself. And yes, I know...there are going to be two major reactions to this statement: 1) "But why?! You're fine just the way you are! We love you!" And 2) "What's your problem? Why you gotta be so negative? I wake up every day and tell myself that it's going to be an awesome day, that my life is awesome, and that I'm awesome. And guess what? Everything IS awesome! Just be positive (like me)!" Thank you, I get it. Unfortunately, neither one of those is magically going to make me feel better. It's not like either one or both of those flips a switch in my brain and then all is well in my tiny, tiny universe.
However, this self-loathing did, and still does, provide me with enough motivation to start and continue exercising again. And I know...self-loathing isn't a good source of motivation in the long run...or at all, and it's certainly not something I would advise others to do, but I'm taking whatever help I can get at this point, even if it is negative and potentially detrimental to my own well-being. What can I say? It's both sadistic and overly masochistic of me. Now, some of you might be confused as to why I would even deem it necessary to exercise and lose weight. Some of you, for some inexplicable, bizarre reason, think that I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Some of you are fine with the excess curves because that just means that there's more of me to love and whatnot. And some of you don't seem to care either way because you like and love me for, imagine the horror, my personality. I just think that that's extremely easy to say when one doesn't have that issue oneself. I mean, you don't have to see me every day, be it nude or clothed, you don't see what I see. On the flipside, I don't see what other people see either, so I simply don't get it. In my own twisted little mind, I just think a slimmer, more toned figure will make my life easier...and I fully realize, how faulty and effed up that line of thought is. Maybe if I were to lose enough weight and be able to mold my body into a more visually pleasing shape, maybe if I can get the physical appearance of my body under control, everything will magically fall into place. Super effed up, I know.
And so, I started the partially grueling process of working out regularly (borderline excessively even) and doing my best to watch what I eat (this isn't just because of my weight though). I also would like to stress that just because I'm crazy and engage in borderline self-harming behavior, that I don't feel like everyone should follow in my footsteps. Quite on the contrary, all of my love and acceptance and positivity goes out to other people. I'm fine with you the way you are, unless you're an a-hole, and I would never ever want you to do what I do or be the way I am. Well, maybe be a little bit nicer to your fellow humans and animals, and a little less judgmental. Opinionated is fine, judgmental not so much. Yes, I know that that makes me a hypocrite and that I also have double standards (impossibly high ones for me and way more achievable ones for everyone else).
Anyways, since I've started exercising and watching my nutrition again, roughly a month has passed. So, what observations and progress have I made so far? Let me break them down into three parts...

The Good (for the sake of balance):
1. Increase in strength - I can hold planks longer and more easily. Various exercises and moves have become less difficult to complete.
2. More muscle definition - My thighs are firmer, and I can feel the increased muscle mass through the layers of fat. Related to this, is that I can actually feel more of my pelvis and ribs. And yes, I know it makes me sound even crazier, but I do like being able to feel those bones. I know some of you like Miss Bettina because she's so soft, but I would rather be slightly less soft. On the outside, at least.
3. Decrease in size - So far, the areas that have decreased the most have been the thighs (6 cm lost, or approximately 2.4 inches) and the chest area (also 6 cm/~2.4 inches). Granted, I could mourn the gradual loss of my ample bosom, but they are kind of out there. Besides, a) nobody's looking at or touching them anyways, so all of the fat in that area is essentially wasted on me, and b) even at my smallest size as a young adult, they were still more than big enough. So I think both I and all of mankind will survive this loss and live.

The Bad:
1. Injuries - Nothing bad has happened (yet), but I have fallen numerous times. Not to mention, the bruises on the knees and arms, the roughed up skin on my elbows and actually having to deal with achy joints and pinched nerves. In addition to this, I've also discovered the downside of burning off fat: One tends to hurt oneself more easily. For example, I've given myself several bruises on my thighs already because I've somehow managed to poke them a tiny bit too hard with my elbows. Or I've accidentally poked my ribs or pelvis too hard, but I actually find this "bad" to be a sign of something positive.
2. Excessive behavior - This pertains to me possibly exercising too much and occasionally eating too little. As my father told me not too long ago, I don't do moderation well. And it's true, I don't. If I'm going to work out, I'm going to work out as many days of the week/month/year as possible. If I'm going to restrict and police my food intake, I'm going to keep as tight of a leash as possible on it. I'm still trying to learn that rest days are as important as the active workout days. I'm trying to be okay with occasionally eating pizza or fries or something like that. Because I have worked out for almost two hours in one sitting. Because I have suffered from partial and temporary hearing loss due to having disrupted my blood flow with too much exercise or too rigorous a regimen. Because I have eaten so little on some days that I've been an emotional wreck, or more of one, than usual. Because I have also worked out so hard that I've made myself cry, I need to try to ease up just a tiny little bit.

The Frustrating:
1. Fluctuations - This refers to the method I use to numerically track my progress. For this, I measure various parts of my body once a week. Since I do this on my own, it is difficult to tell how accurate these actually are. While it seems that I've been getting smaller in general, I haven't been too happy with the progress in certain areas. As mentioned before, with the exception of this week, I've been losing consistently in the thigh and chest area. Whereas I still lost a cm around my thighs, my breasts gained back two. This doesn't necessarily bother me too much, at least not in that area, but I still had to remind myself that hormones and my monthly cycle will result in me gaining some weight temporarily and therefore also affect some of the measurements. The same thing happened to me in both the waist and the hip area the week leading up to my period. Despite working out roughly an hour a day for 5-6 days a week, I had somehow managed to gain 2-3 cm in each area. This might not make a huge difference to some, but to me that was quite a sizeable jump within the course of a week. I mean, why put in the work, only to see that one has started to expand again? And unlike the breasts, I do place a higher importance on becoming smaller in both the hip and waist. However, with hormones and water retention and various other factors like clothes, there are bound to be fluctuations in the numbers.
2. Rigidity - While my measurements have been showing me that I've been getting gradually smaller, the number on the scale has yet to move. Of course, this is probably largely due to the fact that I've been increasing muscle mass, and until I've lost a bigger amount of fat, I probably won't see my weight decrease. Oddly enough, this doesn't faze me all too much, but it would be nice to see the actual weight loss on the scale. Then again, I might be singing a different tune, if I actually had regular access to a scale.
3. Awareness of weaknesses - There is nothing more frustrating than looking at an exercise, thinking it looks easy, trying to do it...and failing miserably. I've discovered that I can't balance on my right leg for shit. It's true. For some messed up reason, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to balance on my right leg. And it kind of pisses me off. In general though, I tend to get incredibly mad at myself for not being able to do certain exercises. The first time I tried plank walkups, I could not push myself up and fell down...and then I got mad and cried. I'm still not that good at them, but the last time I did them, I could get through a whopping three before my body gave up. Pushups are another weakness of mine. Despite trying to grasp the mechanics of it, I can't complete one 100% properly. However, after watching a video on how to do a proper chaturanga, which is essentially yoga's version of a pushup, I was able to figure out what mistakes I've been making and have been trying to fix them ever since. For some reason, I'm also not that great at side planks, and let's not even start with some of the fancy variations they have of them. This might be more of a problem of me wearing socks when I work out though. If my feet suddenly slip because my socks aren't tight enough, I tend to lose all of the tension that I need for that move and then I wind up falling. I try to make up for this with modifications, but it still irks me.

As for this month, I should at least try to up my cardio since that's going to be key in burning more fat. Sure, some of the exercises I've been doing serve double duty as both strength training and cardio, but I don't feel like I'm doing enough of the latter. I haven't thought it through entirely yet, but I should at least try to aim for 3-4 cardio sessions per week. And of course, I'm still working on fine-tuning the food aspect. Now, as for whether my relationship to myself and my body will improve over time, that remains to be seen and isn't really something I'm focused on right now. I probably should be, but oh well.
Hopefully, I will have more to report on next month, and maybe my outlook and motivation will have changed slightly by then. So, until next time and take care of yourselves! Even if I'm not necessarily the best role model for self-love right now...              

Lonely Nights on the Town - Episode One

Okay, technically this should be episode two, but since the first solo excursion wasn't actually planned, I'm not going to count it. Also, I'm not entirely sure I would actually advise going out by oneself unless you're fairly certain that you're going to run into friends or people who you kinda sorta get along with.
The main reason for this is that I don't find these solo outings to be all that fun. I can handle going to the movies by myself because I'm there to watch a movie, and hence not really there to meet anyone or socialize. But even in that scenario, I'm usually the only single dumbass in the theater, so yay me. And I'm not writing this for the pity ("Awww...that's sooo sad... You poor lonely f***. Don't you have any friends? A boyfriend? A girlfriend? We won't judge...lol...j/k..."), or to be applauded for my "bravery" ("Brava! I could never do what you do, you brave, brave soul. You must be super confident! You went out and willingly surrounded yourself with hot, skinny chicks and happy couples who just can't keep their hands and lips off of each other. Sooo brave!"). Yeah, I get it. I'm a friggin' role model and saint over here. Real groundbreaking stuff I'm doing. Changing the world by planting my derriere in a different club or bar once every two weeks and downing one cocktail after another. No, this is just mainly a way for me to process these types of experiences, maybe someone else out there can identify with this (and of course, one/some/all of the other entries), and who knows, it might be somewhat entertaining to some of you (even though this really isn't a super funny story...sorry...I was going to go to a sex convention last month, and as entertaining and interesting as that potentially could have been, I just couldn't find the motivation to do it). And if you wind up pitying or admiring me, that's fine (I guess), but that's not really the main goal of this entry.
Anyways, this was actually supposed to be posted last weekend, but then I just didn't get around to it. Or maybe I was just too lazy...I don't really remember anymore. So, what exactly does a lone wolf do on a Friday night? Well, for starters, she goes to a street food event that is being held right outside of a night club. This part was fairly easy because there weren't really any people out there that night. As it turns out, very few enjoy eating street food outside in late November when it's cold and raining. Obviously, I do. Unfortunately, I wasn't too thrilled with the selection available and I had other plans and I wasn't even really hungry, but if you're planning on boozing it up later on, even if you're more voluptuous like I am, you still need something to help delay the absorption of all that alcohol that you're planning on consuming. Sooo, tacos and fried ice cream it was for me. While both were good, the tacos weren't necessarily the wisest choice since they served them with red onions and I could smell those on my fingers for hours and multiple hand washes after the fact. In addition to that, I had my first cocktail of the night, which was good, but clearly not strong enough because I pretty much downed it in five minutes at the most. In fact, I had to pace myself...which is probably one of the reasons why I should always go out with at least one other person. If I have a distraction, I won't drink as quickly, which is somewhat weird because people usually complain that I eat and drink way too slowly. It's true. Ask anyone who has had the pleasure of eating/drinking in my presence. And don't say, "Well, that's a good thing. You'll eat less because your body will realize it's full before you overeat, so you'll gain less weight." Soooo, my slow eating is preventing me from being fat? Oh wait... But the drink was delicious and as tempted as I was to try another one called "69," which just has my name all over it...what?! I'm a Cancer, 69 is the sign of the crab! How believable is that excuse?...I did want to make it to the downtown area in time for ladies' night. Unfortunately, it dawned on me that standing in the dark...by myself...next to the abandoned brothel...while waiting for the bus was both kind of funny and not very smart. Oh well, life is risk, right? hehehe... (I'm kidding...I would not advise for a single female to be standing alone in the dark next to a brothel, abandoned or not. I do it because it's me. And I realize that that's an unsatisfactory explanation.)
As for ladies' night, I was expecting there to be a line standing out the door waiting to be let in at that particular bar/restaurant/club, only to discover that I was one of the few schmucks to show up on time (on time = 10 p.m.). Okay, now what?! Was that a rookie move on my part?! I don't get out much, okay?! Nobody teaches you this shit! *ahem* Where was I? Oh yeah...a singleton at ladies' night. (I'm not sure I can use that word quite like that, but it is still very appropriate...and some of you will get why.) I was a bit surprised and intrigued by this fairly sizeable group of goths in front of me, and was kind of hoping that they were all going to the club to drink and dance too, but they really only wanted to sit down and eat burgers, which was disappointing... It also seemed that not only did people not want to party when the event started, but that the club itself wasn't even ready for potential partiers at 10. Because it's just not cool or sexy to be on time, I guess. Befitting the theme of ladies' night, they had pink lights that threw images of pink kitties (do I really have to explain the choice of cats?) up on the wall and a disco ball and last year's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show playing on a big screen. Of course, seeing a group of the most attractive and svelte women in the universe on repeat several times throughout the night did wonders for my self-esteem... *tugs on sweater* I mean, I do kinda sorta like the show, but I also don't at the same time. I'm a very confused individual, I know. Since I was one of the first women to show up (who are we kidding? I was THE first one there...loser...), I got a free welcome drink...which was so sugary, it actually gave me cramps. Super sexy... Now, I'm guessing that that's because the considerate organizers were doing us chicks a favor by mixing in some type of super artificially sweet diet soda so that we could control the amount of empty calories that we would wind up inhaling over the course of the night. I don't know why because I ordered a vodka and coke before I was even done with that cocktail. As for the music, it was pretty good (at least in the beginning) and it certainly helped that the DJ was fairly easy on the eyes, not that you could really see that much of him. And no, I wasn't interested in him. Knowing my luck he would've wound up being only 21 or something like that, which is adorable, but most people that age still have quite a bit of maturing to do. But it was smart to hire a fairly attractive male DJ for a ladies' night, even though one could also argue the point of hiring a female one as well.
Even though I wasn't on the verge of tears (like I had been during a previous lonesome night out on the town), I was hyperaware of my outsider status. There was one other person who was alone - a middle-aged guy who was drinking a beer - but I think he really just wanted to be by himself and promptly left after more people showed up. Other than that, I was the only person who was stupid enough to be out by herself. There were a lot of women who showed up in pairs of two, some in groups of three and more, there were of course the friends/groupies of the DJ, the couples, and female-male-female threesomes (don't get too excited, the guys in those types of groupings weren't really digging the whole "ladies" part of the ladies' night). The most noteworthy and bizarre group I saw was one that I'll just call the patchwork gang. This was probably the biggest gathering of people, but they were also very random. What makes me say this? Well, because there was no more or less uniform dress code. If you hadn't seen them slowly assemble bit by bit, you wouldn't have been able to tell that they all knew each other. They all seemed to surround this one young woman who was dressed like she just got back from a friggin' movie premiere and wasn't able to change out of her evening gown. Or maybe she simply thought she was attending the Vanity Fair Oscars afterparty. And I know that the Oscars aren't until the beginning of next year, I'm just trying to paint a picture, okay? She was there with two other women and one man who appeared to have just returned from an insurance convention since they were all dressed in black office attire. Maybe they were Miss Hayworth's assistants? (I'm kidding...I like Rita Hayworth, but her styling was vaguely reminiscent of that era.) In addition to that, there was a guy who initially looked like he was one of the servers because he was dressed in a simple black sweater and pants, but considering how much time he spent with that group, I wound up thinking that he was a personal bodyguard...until he kissed the chick in the eveningwear. Granted, he could still be the bodyguard or driver or both (or maybe even a gigolo, I don't know), and maybe she was fulfilling a sexual fantasy of being Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard. I'm not judging, I'm just guessing and trying to make sense out of the whole situation. More than likely, he's probably just the boyfriend (/bodyguard/driver/bouncer/etc.). And as if that weren't bizarre enough, they were all later joined by a group of frat boys. I don't know how they all know each other or if they just wound up being stuck to each other on the way to da club like a bunch of magnets, but it was really one of the most bizarre groupings I have ever seen in my life.
Of course, the other people there would probably say the same about me. Yes, that I'm one of the most bizarre groupings (of atoms) they have ever seen in their lives... It does seem that at least in a university town like Heidelberg, you just don't see a woman (or anyone for that matter, unless you're a middle-aged guy heading to the bar after work) going out by themselves. Therefore, I was stared at a lot...and not in an "Oh my gosh...I'm super intrigued, let me get to know you"-way either. It was more in a "Did you get lost?/Dafuq are you doing here?/Didn't we kill all of your kind?"-way. I mean, look people. Not all of us are so lucky that we have friends who are always available, some of them have families of their own, some of them have partners to sleep with, others live too far away. Not all of us are lucky enough to have someone in our lives who's so willing to f*** us that he'll let us schlepp him to friggin' ladies' night. Not all of us have been blessed with hot bods and gorgeous faces that have men falling all over themselves to wife us up before someone else does, but we still want to be able to have a tiny bit of fun and be able to say that for once we didn't get wasted in the privacy of our own homes because that suddenly makes everyone think you're a budding alcoholic. (It's a joke...I can't afford to get wasted all the time, not even in the privacy of my own apartment. It's too expensive and too many calories. I don't need to wake up and walk around with bloated hamster face every single day. Only hamsters look cute with hamster face. Fine...some people look cute with hamster face too.) So, if everyone could do people like me a kindness and not stare and then whisper and giggle about us with your friends or partners/bed buddies, that would be great. You can give me a quick once-over, but unless you're planning on striking up a conversation with me, just don't stare. Not only is it rude and potentially hurtful and threatening, I'm doing my darndest to not make you feel uncomfortable or judge you either, so you could easily extend me the same courtesy, especially since you're actually out with other people and in a far less vulnerable position.
All in all, it wasn't terrible, but it also wasn't fun. For me. Who knows...maybe if I repeatedly expose myself to these types of situations, I'll become more comfortable and actually learn to find them enjoyable, but I'm not sure if and when I'll do something like this again. I'm also not entirely certain that the energy that I have to put into these excursions is actually worth the exhaustion, anxiety and discomfort that I feel before/during/afterward. There are better uses of my time than throwing myself at the mercy of wolves.