Masturdating with B: Throwing Myself to the Wolves

Credit: boredpanda.com

Yes, I realized what I just did there, and yes, I totally did that on purpose. This is me we're talking about after all...

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of masturdating, see the above picture, it is when you go out on a date with and by yourself. Which is what I've been doing a lot of within the course of the past week.

Now, considering how angry and bitter I've been feeling lately whenever I've been out and about and surrounded by others, and how anxious and uncomfortable I am in the presence of others in general, why in the 'verse would I possibly do this to myself? Well, for one, that's just the way it's worked out this past week. I've had appointments to go to and errands to run, so I decided to see if I could actually go to a restaurant...by myself...as someone who is still (and probably will always be) full(er)-figured...and eat in public. I know! The shock!! The horror!!! How dare she?!?! Well, it is Halloween season and everyone loves a scary story. Actually...that's not entirely true...I can count off on one hand the number of people I know who love horror as much as I do... And as a second major point, and some of you will probably take offense to this, if I were to actually wait on my friends to do anything remotely fun in public, like go to the movies or try out a new restaurant, I would die of old age. For example, I am currently trying to organize a get-together to celebrate reaching my first goal weight, but do you think that anybody has really responded? So far, I've had one friend ask me what I want to do (however, what's the point of me wanting to do anything, if the people I want to do it with can't even be bothered to answer the simple question of whether or not they want to attend this get-together to begin with?!) and another wants to hang out with me in private (which is always nice and needed and appreciated...but not really the expected reaction to that particular inquiry). The rest of the people (granted, I have yet to invite another person, but I was going to wait until I had something more concrete planned, although I'm probably not going to get a definite answer out of them either...) have either been remarkably silent (despite having read the message) or haven't even looked at the message for whatever reason (probably because everybody's switched to Snapchat and WhatsApp and I was stupid and posted the message on Facebook...).

So, long story short: I don't know why I have friends. I don't know why I bother wanting to spend time with or talk to them sometimes. I love them, I really do, but occasionally I have to wonder about the people in my life. There are times when I basically equate them to my appendix. Sure, they're probably supposed to serve some purpose and did at one point or another, but they tend to just exist most of the time and if I'm not careful, they might potentially become inflamed or burst and send me to the ER and be the death of me... I have a knack for the visual, I know...and you're welcome. I guess I've just slowly been coming to the conclusion (yet again) that I'm simply not as important to some people as they are to me. Which is why I'm one of the few dumbasses who has to fend for and entertain themselves... Mind you, like I said before, I'm writing this knowing that it is potentially hurtful to some, but that I also still deeply care for these select few individuals and it's not like I'm suddenly fed up with them or have given up on my relationships with them. I am more than aware that some of them feel bad for seemingly neglecting/ignoring me, I know that they have their own lives and obligations and social activities (as they should and as I expect them to), and as much as I care for them and am mostly forgiving (well, I try to be at least...), it is precisely because I care for them, that feeling ignored/neglected/rejected/dejected by/because of these people stings all the more and this therefore sounds more bitter and accusatory than it is meant to. So, my apologies to anyone in my innermost circle who is hurt/offended by this, feel free to approach me about it (and if I counter with the whole "It's okay...I know you're busy/dealing with stuff too" shtick, call me out on my bullshit and tell me to fess the eff up and open up about how I really feel). This is just me processing my feelings/impressions of how things have been going for me relationally for a while now. That doesn't make them true, or completely true at least. This is how I've been feeling more often than not recently (and not so recently), and my feelings are still at least somewhat valid.

Anywho...moving on...

As far as how my solo excursions went, they were mostly okay...ish... Today and yesterday I sat down at a couple of restaurants and managed to eat without feeling judged too much, even though I think that some people were still confused (I mean, who goes out and eats by themselves? That's just crazy...), but it was still mostly nice...I think. However, I was annoyed during my outing to the movies on Monday (I watched The Magnificent Seven, which was good, but, considering how long it is, they should have edited the amount of commercials they played beforehand...just like I should be editing my blog posts...) and I almost broke down crying during my "celebratory" meal on Friday...

To explain what happened: I decided to treat myself for my successful weight loss endeavors to a burger (of all things because clothes shopping is at least as much fun as eating in public, and I hear that people need food to survive...) at this place that I had been wanting to go to for the better part of a year, but I kept on putting it off because I didn't want to go by myself (people tend to look at you either like you don't belong or like you shouldn't be allowed to eat out in public if you don't look a certain way or they look at you like an abused puppy who they feel sorry for...) or that I was never at the "right" weight to allow myself certain indulgences (I am an expert at talking myself out of all sorts of stuff...it's a gift really). However, after coming to the conclusion that I was never going to get around to making this experience if I waited for a volunteer/partner in crime, I went to this burger joint, I sat down, I ordered, I felt bad for ordering fries in addition to the damn burger (but it was a good burger), at one point a piece of the burger almost fell on my clothes, I looked up for a second to see this other woman who was also eating by herself look at me and laugh (not maliciously or judgey, it was more of a "Yeah...that happens to me all the time too" or "That was adorable/relatable" chuckle)...and I could feel my face get really warm and the muscles around my eyes tense up in anticipation of the tears that were starting to well up. I was barely able to regain my composure and just wanted to call it a day, tuck tail and run back to the safety of my apartment. Unfortunately, I still had to go in to work that day, so no hiding and licking wounds for me.

Looking back at these past few solo outings, I do realize that (as independent and self-sufficient as I am in other areas of my life) this is something I should be doing more often. Maybe not as often as this past week (both my body and scale are not too happy with me right now, which is why I've been trying to get in 2-3 hour workouts as much as I can), but maybe I should try to make it a weekly or biweekly occurrence. Who knows... Besides, it's a good way for me to get some extracurricular reading in, which I don't really get around to when I'm at home.  

On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Nine (Crossing a Finish Line)

After nine months of blood, sweat and tears (and I mean that literally), I finally, FINALLY managed to reach my first goal weight a couple of days ago. And yes, I have multiple goal weights and no, I still won't be revealing any numbers. Okay...fine, I only have two specific goal weights...the third one is more like "Let me see how much weight I can lose before I collapse" and I think the fourth one is "Am I socially relevant, conventionally attractive and loveable/dateable/f***able now?" Oh what?! Don't you dare judge me from the safety of your computer/smartphone screens!!!

But yes, I finally managed to cross one of my self-imposed finish lines...and I'm still not satisfied. While I, on the one hand, realize that I've accomplished a lot and I know I should be proud for pulling off such a tremendous feat of badassery, it almost feels like I'm in a perpetual slump now. In fact, I almost feel more ashamed of being seen in public now than I did a few months ago. I mean, I've become even more protective of and hyperaware of my physical presence (you should see me walking through the downtown area, I'm pretty sure I look like a wounded animal trying to find a hole or cave to hide in)...and in a twist of almost Shyamalanian proportions, I still see myself as being heavier than I actually am and am always shocked when I look at myself in a foreign mirror.

Here's the thing, it almost doesn't matter that I've worked so hard and lost so much weight because whenever I look at myself, it just pisses me off and sometimes even kind of disgusts me. Now, does this mean that I'll quit working out and paying attention to my "diet" (and yes, I know some of you hate that dirty, dirty d-word...)? No, because I've already made it this far, so I should see how far I can take it and maybe, just maybe I'll learn to at the very least tolerate my outer shell and not feel like punching a hole in the wall every time I have to look at it.

And to those of you saying "Well, if losing weight is making you so miserable, wouldn't you simply be better off staying on the more voluptuous side and being happy in your own skin?" First of all, thank you, smartass. You're clearly new to the party and don't actually know me. Your sass is not appreciated at the current moment. If I had actually been happier at a higher weight, don't you think I would've stayed at that weight and not even bothered losing it to begin with?! The plain and simple truth is: I was neither happy as a heavier person, nor will I be happy in the near(ish) future...even if I suddenly and somehow managed to lose half of my current weight. My happiness/satisfaction isn't tied to the number on the scale. So, considering that I'm going to be miserable either way, given the choice, I would rather be skinnier and less of an eyesore to everyone else. And no, I'm not saying that heavier women are eyesores or even ugly or unhappy or that I even think/believe that. This is specifically and exclusively about me. Because this blog is my playground and I get to be a narcissist for once in my life. I've even said that I might be okay with being overweight, if my body didn't look so jacked up (and if I looked more like Loey Lane or Ashley Graham). And yes, my body is a friggin' train wreck, an absolute dumpster fire... It looks like it tried to contain the blast of ten H-bombs, failed horribly and then just got duct-taped back together. (Of course, I should add that this isn't necessarily true, I just currently feel like it is.)

Anyways...this post was actually supposed to be more celebratory, considering what I just managed to accomplish...and then it turned into a brutal slaughtering of my self-image/esteem/confidence. I'm in a foul mood, okay?! Miss Bettina is so far removed from happy (whatever that might entail or feel like) that she can see the birth of the cosmos.

Oh well...here's to hoping that this month will see me being slightly kinder to myself... Granted, I don't think I deserve much self-compassion right now, but I hear that it's an important trait to have.

Lonely Nights on the Town - Episode One

Okay, technically this should be episode two, but since the first solo excursion wasn't actually planned, I'm not going to count it. Also, I'm not entirely sure I would actually advise going out by oneself unless you're fairly certain that you're going to run into friends or people who you kinda sorta get along with.
The main reason for this is that I don't find these solo outings to be all that fun. I can handle going to the movies by myself because I'm there to watch a movie, and hence not really there to meet anyone or socialize. But even in that scenario, I'm usually the only single dumbass in the theater, so yay me. And I'm not writing this for the pity ("Awww...that's sooo sad... You poor lonely f***. Don't you have any friends? A boyfriend? A girlfriend? We won't judge...lol...j/k..."), or to be applauded for my "bravery" ("Brava! I could never do what you do, you brave, brave soul. You must be super confident! You went out and willingly surrounded yourself with hot, skinny chicks and happy couples who just can't keep their hands and lips off of each other. Sooo brave!"). Yeah, I get it. I'm a friggin' role model and saint over here. Real groundbreaking stuff I'm doing. Changing the world by planting my derriere in a different club or bar once every two weeks and downing one cocktail after another. No, this is just mainly a way for me to process these types of experiences, maybe someone else out there can identify with this (and of course, one/some/all of the other entries), and who knows, it might be somewhat entertaining to some of you (even though this really isn't a super funny story...sorry...I was going to go to a sex convention last month, and as entertaining and interesting as that potentially could have been, I just couldn't find the motivation to do it). And if you wind up pitying or admiring me, that's fine (I guess), but that's not really the main goal of this entry.
Anyways, this was actually supposed to be posted last weekend, but then I just didn't get around to it. Or maybe I was just too lazy...I don't really remember anymore. So, what exactly does a lone wolf do on a Friday night? Well, for starters, she goes to a street food event that is being held right outside of a night club. This part was fairly easy because there weren't really any people out there that night. As it turns out, very few enjoy eating street food outside in late November when it's cold and raining. Obviously, I do. Unfortunately, I wasn't too thrilled with the selection available and I had other plans and I wasn't even really hungry, but if you're planning on boozing it up later on, even if you're more voluptuous like I am, you still need something to help delay the absorption of all that alcohol that you're planning on consuming. Sooo, tacos and fried ice cream it was for me. While both were good, the tacos weren't necessarily the wisest choice since they served them with red onions and I could smell those on my fingers for hours and multiple hand washes after the fact. In addition to that, I had my first cocktail of the night, which was good, but clearly not strong enough because I pretty much downed it in five minutes at the most. In fact, I had to pace myself...which is probably one of the reasons why I should always go out with at least one other person. If I have a distraction, I won't drink as quickly, which is somewhat weird because people usually complain that I eat and drink way too slowly. It's true. Ask anyone who has had the pleasure of eating/drinking in my presence. And don't say, "Well, that's a good thing. You'll eat less because your body will realize it's full before you overeat, so you'll gain less weight." Soooo, my slow eating is preventing me from being fat? Oh wait... But the drink was delicious and as tempted as I was to try another one called "69," which just has my name all over it...what?! I'm a Cancer, 69 is the sign of the crab! How believable is that excuse?...I did want to make it to the downtown area in time for ladies' night. Unfortunately, it dawned on me that standing in the dark...by myself...next to the abandoned brothel...while waiting for the bus was both kind of funny and not very smart. Oh well, life is risk, right? hehehe... (I'm kidding...I would not advise for a single female to be standing alone in the dark next to a brothel, abandoned or not. I do it because it's me. And I realize that that's an unsatisfactory explanation.)
As for ladies' night, I was expecting there to be a line standing out the door waiting to be let in at that particular bar/restaurant/club, only to discover that I was one of the few schmucks to show up on time (on time = 10 p.m.). Okay, now what?! Was that a rookie move on my part?! I don't get out much, okay?! Nobody teaches you this shit! *ahem* Where was I? Oh yeah...a singleton at ladies' night. (I'm not sure I can use that word quite like that, but it is still very appropriate...and some of you will get why.) I was a bit surprised and intrigued by this fairly sizeable group of goths in front of me, and was kind of hoping that they were all going to the club to drink and dance too, but they really only wanted to sit down and eat burgers, which was disappointing... It also seemed that not only did people not want to party when the event started, but that the club itself wasn't even ready for potential partiers at 10. Because it's just not cool or sexy to be on time, I guess. Befitting the theme of ladies' night, they had pink lights that threw images of pink kitties (do I really have to explain the choice of cats?) up on the wall and a disco ball and last year's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show playing on a big screen. Of course, seeing a group of the most attractive and svelte women in the universe on repeat several times throughout the night did wonders for my self-esteem... *tugs on sweater* I mean, I do kinda sorta like the show, but I also don't at the same time. I'm a very confused individual, I know. Since I was one of the first women to show up (who are we kidding? I was THE first one there...loser...), I got a free welcome drink...which was so sugary, it actually gave me cramps. Super sexy... Now, I'm guessing that that's because the considerate organizers were doing us chicks a favor by mixing in some type of super artificially sweet diet soda so that we could control the amount of empty calories that we would wind up inhaling over the course of the night. I don't know why because I ordered a vodka and coke before I was even done with that cocktail. As for the music, it was pretty good (at least in the beginning) and it certainly helped that the DJ was fairly easy on the eyes, not that you could really see that much of him. And no, I wasn't interested in him. Knowing my luck he would've wound up being only 21 or something like that, which is adorable, but most people that age still have quite a bit of maturing to do. But it was smart to hire a fairly attractive male DJ for a ladies' night, even though one could also argue the point of hiring a female one as well.
Even though I wasn't on the verge of tears (like I had been during a previous lonesome night out on the town), I was hyperaware of my outsider status. There was one other person who was alone - a middle-aged guy who was drinking a beer - but I think he really just wanted to be by himself and promptly left after more people showed up. Other than that, I was the only person who was stupid enough to be out by herself. There were a lot of women who showed up in pairs of two, some in groups of three and more, there were of course the friends/groupies of the DJ, the couples, and female-male-female threesomes (don't get too excited, the guys in those types of groupings weren't really digging the whole "ladies" part of the ladies' night). The most noteworthy and bizarre group I saw was one that I'll just call the patchwork gang. This was probably the biggest gathering of people, but they were also very random. What makes me say this? Well, because there was no more or less uniform dress code. If you hadn't seen them slowly assemble bit by bit, you wouldn't have been able to tell that they all knew each other. They all seemed to surround this one young woman who was dressed like she just got back from a friggin' movie premiere and wasn't able to change out of her evening gown. Or maybe she simply thought she was attending the Vanity Fair Oscars afterparty. And I know that the Oscars aren't until the beginning of next year, I'm just trying to paint a picture, okay? She was there with two other women and one man who appeared to have just returned from an insurance convention since they were all dressed in black office attire. Maybe they were Miss Hayworth's assistants? (I'm kidding...I like Rita Hayworth, but her styling was vaguely reminiscent of that era.) In addition to that, there was a guy who initially looked like he was one of the servers because he was dressed in a simple black sweater and pants, but considering how much time he spent with that group, I wound up thinking that he was a personal bodyguard...until he kissed the chick in the eveningwear. Granted, he could still be the bodyguard or driver or both (or maybe even a gigolo, I don't know), and maybe she was fulfilling a sexual fantasy of being Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard. I'm not judging, I'm just guessing and trying to make sense out of the whole situation. More than likely, he's probably just the boyfriend (/bodyguard/driver/bouncer/etc.). And as if that weren't bizarre enough, they were all later joined by a group of frat boys. I don't know how they all know each other or if they just wound up being stuck to each other on the way to da club like a bunch of magnets, but it was really one of the most bizarre groupings I have ever seen in my life.
Of course, the other people there would probably say the same about me. Yes, that I'm one of the most bizarre groupings (of atoms) they have ever seen in their lives... It does seem that at least in a university town like Heidelberg, you just don't see a woman (or anyone for that matter, unless you're a middle-aged guy heading to the bar after work) going out by themselves. Therefore, I was stared at a lot...and not in an "Oh my gosh...I'm super intrigued, let me get to know you"-way either. It was more in a "Did you get lost?/Dafuq are you doing here?/Didn't we kill all of your kind?"-way. I mean, look people. Not all of us are so lucky that we have friends who are always available, some of them have families of their own, some of them have partners to sleep with, others live too far away. Not all of us are lucky enough to have someone in our lives who's so willing to f*** us that he'll let us schlepp him to friggin' ladies' night. Not all of us have been blessed with hot bods and gorgeous faces that have men falling all over themselves to wife us up before someone else does, but we still want to be able to have a tiny bit of fun and be able to say that for once we didn't get wasted in the privacy of our own homes because that suddenly makes everyone think you're a budding alcoholic. (It's a joke...I can't afford to get wasted all the time, not even in the privacy of my own apartment. It's too expensive and too many calories. I don't need to wake up and walk around with bloated hamster face every single day. Only hamsters look cute with hamster face. Fine...some people look cute with hamster face too.) So, if everyone could do people like me a kindness and not stare and then whisper and giggle about us with your friends or partners/bed buddies, that would be great. You can give me a quick once-over, but unless you're planning on striking up a conversation with me, just don't stare. Not only is it rude and potentially hurtful and threatening, I'm doing my darndest to not make you feel uncomfortable or judge you either, so you could easily extend me the same courtesy, especially since you're actually out with other people and in a far less vulnerable position.
All in all, it wasn't terrible, but it also wasn't fun. For me. Who knows...maybe if I repeatedly expose myself to these types of situations, I'll become more comfortable and actually learn to find them enjoyable, but I'm not sure if and when I'll do something like this again. I'm also not entirely certain that the energy that I have to put into these excursions is actually worth the exhaustion, anxiety and discomfort that I feel before/during/afterward. There are better uses of my time than throwing myself at the mercy of wolves.    

People and the irritating things they do/don't do

Because I can't seem to stop ranting, even though I'm feeling better now than I did yesterday. (That might just be because I finally got a certain someone to respond to my text messages though...don't know.) I would just like to say that this isn't directed at anyone in particular...but someone in particular did help to inspire this rant just a bit...and I know that I've been guilty of this as well (or at least a variation thereof) and am trying to correct this habit. Now, I pride myself on saying what I mean...99.9% of the time at least...so it really frustrates me when I realize that there are people out there and in my very own social circle who either can't or won't extend me the same courtesy. One of those is the issue of the infamous phrases "We should get together sometime!/Oh, we live so close to each other! Let's hang out for coffee!/You should come visit me sometime!/I would really love to come visit you!" I know that (some of) these are sometimes said just to be nice and are used to mask a request/favor, in which case, do us both a favor and drop it. If you want something from me, just be direct about it because I will figure out that that's the maneuver you just pulled and it will and does piss me off. Of course, I'm sure that most of you are actually being sincere (or trying to be), but then life steps in and somehow mucks everything up. That I get and can respect. My depression and anxiety sometimes make me not want to see people either. Either that, or my lack of finances prevents me from traveling around. Or the stress from my studies. Sometimes it's any combination or even all of the above. However, please try to not bring up visits or hanging out unless you genuinely want to see and spend time with me, but aren't willing to put in at least some effort into the scheduling of these activities/events. Because I'm willing to work with you to a certain extent, but if you leave the scheduling up to me, only to shoot down any and every suggested place and date and not make your own suggestions, then guess what? At some point, not only will I not want to do anything with you anymore, I will also come to resent you. This pertains to varying degrees to both my platonic and more intimate relationships. I actually find it more infuriating when a potential romantic/intimate partner pulls off shit like this. Because I do really expect those people to say what they mean and mean what they say. More so than what I would from a platonic friend. There is nothing more aggravating to me than to have someone say how much they want to see and be close to me, only to then not fully respond to actually setting up plans for something like that. I mean, that is just beyond cruel and unusual punishment for someone who hasn't been intimate with anyone for the past seven years. That's like luring a hibernating bear out of its slumber with the promise of fresh salmon, only to jerk all of the fish away at the last second. Now, nobody in his/her right mind would do that to a sleeping bear and yet people seem to think it's okay to do that to me. Except that we're talking about sex and not salmon...and I'm not a sleeping bear, but I might be at least as dangerous as one. This also makes me understand what part of the appeal of having multiple partners might be. If you really like someone and they like you, but they can somehow never find time to spend with you, then what? Well, maybe instead of moping around, it's simply easier to bury one's sorrows and frustrations in the affections of another person. It sucks and it's the easy way out and I most certainly wouldn't advise it once in a committed relationship (assuming it's not an open or polyamorous one), not to mention that I really dislike the idea because I like focusing on one person and one person alone (and I think that multiple partners are ultimately more trouble than they're worth...or maybe I'm just jealous because I can't even get laid by one person)...but I get the potential appeal.
Anyways, I would just really really appreciate it if people stopped putting ideas of social and/or intimate activities in my head, only to not follow through with them. It would make my life a whole lot easier and, by extension, everyone else's as well because then I wouldn't wind up having to drive some of you people crazy with my incessant messages of "When can I come see you?/When would you like to come over?/What are your plans this weekend?/etc."
Oh well, that's it from my end for today. Thanks to everyone who read this rant, and thanks to everyone who didn't! Like I said, I'm sure I've managed to aggravate people doing things similar to the ones I just complained about, and I am trying to work on them. Should you ever notice me stepping into my own traps, feel free to let me know. And no, this doesn't mean that I have a person lined up for each day of the week, Miss Bettina don't play like that, but I get why some people might.
Until next time (which will hopefully be sooner rather than later)!      

Stuff I've read: Abortion and the Culture of Shame

I've decided to start a new segment (is segment the right word for this? Maybe series? Doesn't really matter, it's my blog after all.) and it's going to be about various articles I've read. Assuming that I have a lot to say about them. Otherwise, I might wind up overloading the newsfeeds of my friends on FB. I know, I know...you all want to know about my online dating adventures, but I'm just not really in the mood to talk about them right now.
For the first entry of this segment/series I will dive right into the deep side of the pool. Why? Because I'm obviously not the most sane person and seemingly enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. Not really...but sometimes it can be fun and sometimes it is necessary. The topic of abortion belongs to the latter of the two. I read this article on how Texas has created a "culture of shame" when it comes to the topic of abortion, and honestly, it makes me upset. It saddens and angers me. Not just as a woman, but also as a human being. So, is everyone ready for a rant? Oh, and rules about comments (not that I've ever had a problem with them before, but just to be safe...): Let's not get ugly or hateful here, okay? I have to sift through them anyways before they get published, and I would hate to have to delete them. Anyways...let the ranting commence! *cue the trumpets and horns*
*ahem* It's one thing to believe something and have an opinion, but it's a completely different issue to be judgmental and try to force your beliefs on the rest of humanity. For all I care, you can believe in the Great Jewel-Encrusted Bunny in the Sky, but unless I'm interested in converting, don't tell me that it wants me to live my life a certain way. While I do believe that some Christians mean well with being against abortion, I think that most just jumped on the bandwagon and are hiding behind their beliefs to justify their behavior and to exert control over a group of people. Now, I'm not saying that all Christians are like this. I'm also not saying that any of you guys are like this, but a great number of people are. In addition to that, you can still be against abortion, but it's none of your business whether or not a woman chooses to end her pregnancy. Personally, I think abortion should be a last resort and should only happen after the woman has undergone proper counseling to ensure that she has thought this through extensively. And I know what some of you are going to say: There's always adoption! Yes, this is true, but with so many children already going hungry (even in the States) and being neglected by the system and mainstream society (and don't even look at me like that...because it's true), they really aren't that much better off. Oh, and what about that issue of practicing safe sex? Well, let's see...with so much abstinence-only sex ed and the ability to refuse that one's hormonally-addled child receive a well-balanced sex ed or to provide them with one oneself, I can see how one would be confused. Because naturally all children are born with the knowledge of what condoms and pregnancy are... One can't have it both ways! But that's right, religion generally doesn't permit for safe sex or abortions, does it? Do I really have to tell everyone about how religious books like the Bible were written by men, as in mortal men...made out of flesh and blood (and I don't care that God is listed as the author of the King James Bible!)? Even if deities took the time to either personally contribute to or indirectly inspire the authors to write those books, they aren't necessarily the most up-to-date with modern society. Ways of thinking that worked hundreds/thousands of years ago don't or can't be applied to today's society. Just like our current ways of thinking won't necessarily be relevant in the next 50-100 years.
As for the "culture of shame"? The main reason why these women feel regret or wind up becoming traumatized is because of the way mainstream society condemns them for making such a tough decision. Maybe people should ask them why they made the decision they made before they jump to any conclusions, but people tend to be lazy when it comes to things like that. Everything has to be black and white, one extreme or another, otherwise people have to utilize their brains more and thinking's oh-so-hard. (And yes, I'm mad.) Here's a newsflash: Reality consists of millions of shades of grey...or just plain 50. (I know! Focus! Serious topic...)
I just have a bit of advice for everyone, and if you decide to disregard everything else I just wrote, please, please keep this in mind: Try to focus more on being a decent human being and a little bit less on being a good follower of whatever religion you belong to. You are a human first and foremost and everything else should come in second/third/fourth/etc. We all deserve to be loved and treated with respect and kindness. If you do that, I'm sure that your deities will still thank and reward you, even if you didn't follow their teachings as strictly as you "should" have.
There, I'm done. Now get outta here before we all hug and kiss and braid each other's hair.
Until next time...assuming I haven't thoroughly scared everyone off...

Online Dating (Episode Two): Observations and Tips

Yes, I am still alive and you can all rejoice because, for once, this won't be a depressing post! Yaaaay!!! Anyways...the last time I wrote about online dating I mentioned the disaster of a phone call I had with a potential date. Needless to say, that was the first and only time we talked to each other, especially since I received a message from him about one or two weeks later saying that he had fallen in love. Obviously, he managed to find someone who was better versed in the ways of conversation. So, I wish the two of them lots of happiness and plenty of not awkward talks.
Today I would like to write about the things I have noticed about myself and the men on certain dating sites.
First off, am I the only one who feels that online dating is more of a full-time job? To me it just seems that if you do online dating the way these sites advise you to, you almost have to invest a good two to three hours every day, and since I'm guessing that some people (and by some, I mean me) are signed up with more than one site, that adds up. Besides, I should be using that time to do something more productive, like study.
And yes, I have accounts on several dating sites...four to be exact. However, I'm only really active on one of them. The first one (let's call it O) I actually signed up with because they had cool personality quizzes. In fact, I signed up with them so long ago that I am still listed as being in a relationship, which is obviously a lie. It wasn't back then, but it certainly is now. I keep on forgetting that I have an account on that site until it sends me a happy birthday message. Then I decided to try the second one (Z) because I thought I was really desperate (and I liked the commercials...it happens, even to me), but then I took a look at the men using it and quickly realized that I didn't want someone that badly. Maybe that was more of a regional issue though... Site number three (E) was the first German account I set up, but I don't even really use that one anymore because I can't use all of the functions without signing up for a premium membership. As for the last one (P), I again started off with limited access, but I actually purchased the premium membership for this site since it was cheaper without giving too much up quality-wise. This last website is the one that I actually use.
So, before I continue, it's important to note that the things I'm writing about are based off of my personal experiences and opinions, and they certainly aren't representative of the population at large. If you agree with me, great, and if you don't, that's fine too. We can all agree to disagree, as long as we aren't being unreasonably aggressive and immature about it. Most of us should already be aware of this, but since you never know who might stumble across this blog, I feel that such things need to be pointed out repeatedly.
Alright, on to the main show...
I have come to realize something shocking about myself when it comes to online dating, and that is that I can be quite superficial. What I mean is that I am more lenient/tolerant/accepting towards/of guys I meet in person. For example, someone doesn't strike me as overly attractive or I'm just not feeling it, but maybe this person is extremely funny or sweet. Offline, I'll gladly date someone who is incredibly funny over someone who is extremely attractive. Or at least I'll give it a shot, whereas online dating (unfortunately) allows for me to kick the poor guy to the curb without wasting a second thought on him. (Sorry.) There seems to be a whole lot of characteristics/requirements that automatically eliminate most potential partners for me. Should I list them? So we can all witness what a bitch I really am? Now, for the record, these are things that I look for in a potential partner online since it seems that I am very discriminatory if I haven't actually met the person. Sounds weird, but it's true. You can all hate me later.
1) Non-smokers - These are very, very hard to come by in Germany. It seems that the majority of men (online) smoke, be it regularly or occasionally or just whenever they're out with friends drinking. This is actually one of the things that is (almost) non-negotiable for me, regardless of online or offline. I have too many family members who smoke, and I would prefer to not become romantically/sexually-involved with someone who smells and/or tastes like smoke. I will gladly be the bestest of buddies with you, but if you smoke, there is a 99% chance of you staying in the friend zone. Of course, should I ever meet someone who fulfilled all of my other basic desires and/or needs, but smoked, I might make an exception. However, I wouldn't count on it.
2) No children and no previous marriages - This is one of my bitchier requirements (or maybe even the bitchiest one?), but hear me out. I have witnessed and heard about too much baby mama and papa drama, so unless I've met your previous life partner and have been able to judge her (or his, you never know) character for myself, I'm going with the worst-case scenario and staying away from you. As for the children, as much as I love them and would love to be a mom at some point (maybe), I know I wouldn't just be taking on the kids. I would also be taking on the parent, assuming he/she is still alive, and again that is potentially just way too much drama for my liking. This is one of the areas that I would be quite a bit more lenient on in an offline setting. Depending on the person, I wouldn't say no to a previously married father. However, I would require meeting the former spouse and having a conversation with the children (assuming the guy still plays an active part in their lives), once the time is right, to explain the situation and answer any questions. Of course I realize that at my advanced/advancing age that finding someone who hasn't been married (at least once) and who is childless becomes increasingly impossible. So, I'm not entirely delusional, and like I said, I am quite a bit more flexible about this issue when I meet someone in person.
3) No religious affiliations (or open proclamations of political views) - I usually would never think of asking someone about their beliefs (or political views), so why would an online admission about these things deter me all of a sudden? Unless I know you fairly well, I might associate certain personality traits to you if I know ahead of time which church or political party you belong to. So, it's simply a matter of avoiding more potential drama. However, in real life, I don't really care what you believe in unless you are actively harming or using your beliefs to discriminate against other living beings.
4) No major height or age discrepancies, not too far away - I know, really superficial of me. Again, things that are very negotiable...actually ultimately everything is...except for the smoking, I'm fairly flexible about these in person. However, if I can only see the raw data, I will rule out as many people as possible. This is gonna sound cold, but narrowing down the number of men I contact helps me to prioritize, and expend my time and energy more wisely. Again, sorry. Nothing against men, especially the ones online, but I don't know you, so I'm going to have to go off of the information provided.
Since I can't think of anything else to write that will make me look like a superficial beeyotch, let's move on to a few gripes I have with some men on these dating sites and my suggestions for improvement. Needless to say, you don't have to give a crap, in which case, I am curious as to why you're reading this blog to begin with.
Anyways, on to the next list:
a) Pick a decent username - Sites like E and P will actually provide you with a number, so potential suitors can't pass judgment on you just based off of your username. Hey, not everyone wants to hook up with randydude69. (I don't know if anyone actually has that name...and no, it's not mine. My apologies if you do! It's just an example. Don't sue me, I'm just a poor student.) On sites that do allow for usernames, like Z, I would advise picking something neutral. However, if you want to show that you're not looking for anything serious, then by all means, let your username do the talking for you.
b) Include a picture! - Even if it's pixelated because you haven't given me permission to see it (some of these sites, like E and P, don't allow you to see the profile picture clearly without the user giving you consent), just go through the effort of uploading at least one decent photograph. Related to this: Upload one with a clear shot of your face. Please! I think it's great that you have pictures of you having fun on the beach, but I generally don't wind up becoming attracted to someone's silhouette. Oh, and on sites like Z that are a bit more informal: Look, I get it. Sites like this aren't exactly known for creating everlasting love. However, there are still a few basic rules I think one should follow when uploading photos: No impersonations of Ben Stiller's "Blue Steel". It's cute, but best saved for your modeling portfolio and friends. Try to lay off of the topless pics. Thanks for showing the goods, I appreciate it, really, but that's not quite what I'm looking for. No group pictures. Even if you tried to crop the photo, your profile pic should not include fractions of your amigos and/or ex. Just take a friggin' selfie! (Unlike what some other sites might say, I would prefer a decent selfie over a poorly cropped group picture anyday.)
c) Fill out your profile - Come on guys, I went through the effort to fill mine out as honestly as possible, and then I stumble across profiles that haven't even been completed halfway. It's like a slap in the face. So, just do your part because I sure as hell ain't gonna bother writing you if you haven't given me anything to write to you about.
d) Winking/smiling/etc. alone won't cut it - I think it's great that you sent me that smile, but then didn't bother to write. What do you want me to do? Oh hey, that guy poked me. That must mean he likes me! (Maybe I shouldn't have gone with poked as an example...oh well.) So, unless you're smoking hot and I really like your profile, I won't react. If you can't be bothered to at least send me a "I think your profile is interesting.", then I have nothing to say to you either.
e) Try to avoid cheesy lines - If it's embedded in an otherwise sincerely written message, I don't care. However, if that's your opening line and that's all you've got to say, then I get the feeling you just copied/pasted that to a hundred other profiles. I know that people contact more than one person in the online dating world, but you don't have to insult the other person by making it so glaringly obvious that you're just playing the numbers game. You might as well go ahead and admit "Hey girl, I just want to get laid." or "I don't actually want a relationship." Thanks to site Z, I've come to strongly dislike many of my messages. That's probably because many of them are along the lines of "Are you looking for adventure?" (Umm, with you? No.) Also, I don't like being buttered up unnecessarily. I have a mirror, I know what I look like. If you were to ask anyone in my social circle to describe me, words like beautiful and sexy would not be the first words to jump to their minds. More like quiet and awkward. Maybe smart. Maybe. So, I don't need you to feed me lines about how I stunned you with my laser eyes or how I am the epitome of beauty. It reeks of lies, even if you're being genuine. If you still think you need to compliment me on my irresistible appearance, please don't open with it. Wait until we've actually met and have had a few actual conversations.
Now that I've torn into any and all potential dates, which I am sorry about, it's time for me to turn the mirror on myself. I probably shouldn't be so discriminating, even in an online setting. I'm dealing with other human beings (hopefully), so I shouldn't assume that they're all the same. I'm sure that many, if not most, of them are decent people who deserve a chance to be loved. I will readily admit, that I can be sometimes surprisingly superficial when it comes to online dating, and I should try to loosen some of my strict requirements. My goal is to write back to anyone who has gone through the effort of writing me. That is the least that I can do. I should try to upload more pictures, preferably not selfies (even though I don't know how or even if  I'll accomplish that). I still have a lot to work on, so just be patient with me. And please remember, this is just based off of my observations and very limited experiences, so what bothers me, might not bother you. This doesn't mean that I hate these guys online or that I now suddenly hate some of you because you smoke or you have been married before or you happen to be 10 cm shorter than me. These are preferences I have in a potential partner, but I'm not expecting to have someone meet all of these, but at least one would be nice.
That's all from my end for now, and hopefully, I'll have more to write about some other time.
Take care everyone! Plenty of love and hugs!         

From Sad to Zen and Back Again

First off, something positive: To those of you who celebrate it, happy Easter! To those who don't (or aren't), happy Sunday or Monday or whatever day of the week it happens to be for you.
Now on to the actual entry...
For those of you playing the home game, you are already familiar with the ginormous breakdown I had or had been suffering from for the past two weeks. Well, the good news is that everything actually managed to stabilize and I became very calm and, dare I say, borderline content. This state of mind lasted for three days straight (three days!)...and then I went to visit one of my relatives today. (I won't say who exactly, but it's not like it's that hard to figure out.)
Out of necessity, I've had to learn how to censor what I say around this particular individual, mainly because she always manages to find a chink in my armor and inevitably says things that wind up pissing me off. Unfortunately, since I can't really tell her off or punch her, this anger just gets bottled up and I eventually start to become depressed (and yes, in some cases even cry). And so, even though this visit started out very innocently, I almost started yelling at her by the end of it (hormones may be partially to blame for this, but only partially...I would've still been aggravated otherwise).
These are some of the things I had to listen to: I'm too close to my parents (never mind that I didn't live with them for about four years and that several thousands of miles are currently separating us); I should just stop visiting them (that would also include any and all of my American friends and my cat), and instead just find people to do stuff with (we don't have to be actual friends, just people who can get along with each other...because those are so easy to find! Hey, let me put out an ad on Craigslist: Lonely and desperate female looking for people to do stuff with her...or to her...I don't care! Not really looking for anything long-term. Heck, you don't even have to like me, just so long as you hang out with me!); the United States isn't good for me (while this may be somewhat/mostly true, Germany hasn't been that good for me either, but hey, I'm completely to blame for that one); I'm 28 and could be married and have kids by now (thank you for rubbing salt in the wound that I am a failure not only on the academic, but also on a personal, level); yadayadayada. So yeah, tons of fun for everyone...
Of course, the fun can't stop there because I wind up calling my parents (you know, the ones I have an almost Bates-esque relationship with), and the shit hits the proverbial fan for the second time in one day. Usually, I talk to both my mom and my dad, but this time, I only get to talk to my mom. Hmmm, this is strange. I wonder what happened to Dad? Well, he either wasn't home or he just didn't want to talk to me. As it turns out, the blog entry about the sad panda got him pretty upset...and by "pretty upset" I mean he's one mouse click away from booking my return flight home. His main worry is that I'll slit my wrists, hang myself, throw myself from one of the bridges in the area, overdose on drugs, die from alcohol poisoning, blow my brains out, get killed by one of the many random strangers I will inevitably be having unprotected sex with (I should be so lucky), or any combination thereof. Considering that he's seen firsthand how out of control depression can get, I kinda get why he would be worried...BUT it's a little too late to be worrying about lil ol' me. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Nobody paid attention then, nobody needs to now. Besides, if I wasn't able to end everything back when I was younger, guess what, ain't nuthin' gonna happen now. What?! It's true! We all know that I'm just playing the waiting game at this point. Aren't you glad that you are reading this depressing crap? You're probably as happy as I am writing it...
Anyways...right now it just feels like I've taken two steps forward and one step back. And no, nobody needs to alert the police, nobody needs to have me institutionalized. Seriously, if you do, sad panda will become angry panda, and then nobody will be happy. Capiche?
Please join me next time for more chaos and drama...or don't.

Temptation Calling

Or texting, as it was in my case. In order to explain this, and how I came to the realization that I must be stupid, let's go back a few weeks to St. Patrick's Day. Naturally, I was at work because that's where I always seem to be when others are off living life and having fun. As fate would have it, I would wind up repeatedly helping customers in the canning room. One of these customers happened to be a fairly attractive young man whose right leg was wrapped up. I talked to him about what had happened to his leg and found out that he had a tear in his patella. It was light conversation...and then came the shocker: "Are you single?" "Yes." "Can I have your number?" "Sure." Without thinking, I had handed over my phone number to a stranger, an attractive stranger, but a stranger all the same. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to hear from the guy, but, surprisingly enough, he started texting me the next morning.
Maybe I should have taken the texting as a sign. I know I'm a bit ancient when it comes to modern-day courtship (not to mention that I've had so little action that I'm practically still a virgin), but the texting seemed a bit off. However, I decided to overlook it.
Maybe I should have taken the breakdown of my cellphone as a sign that this potential connection was not meant to be. However, I still ignored everything and bought a new battery and phone. Why? Because of a boy.
Another warning sign came up when I offered to meet up with him and got no response. Why would you ask for someone's phone number and not want to at least occasionally hang out with that person?
After about a week of not hearing from the guy, I decided that maybe this wasn't quite meant to be and was determined to occasionally send him texts, but not get my hopes up. Of course, this was the sign the universe needed to throw me a curveball and send him through my line at work. This encounter led to a seemingly renewed interest in communications between the two of us.
He had supposedly helped to set up a fairly popular adult entertainment site on Facebook, which I was able to verify later on. I liked the basic concept of the site and felt that this open view about sex might be a potential unifying factor. Unfortunately, I was then also able to find out, thank you social networking sites, that he was not only in a relationship, but that his girlfriend is also currently pregnant with their child.
Really... I mean, really? REALLY?! PFFF, WHAT THE FRACK?!?! Why would you ask me if I'm single and ask me for my phone number? Why didn't I ask him if he was single from the beginning?
So, I wound up torn between being pissed at him and at myself. Well, I still am. However, I resisted the voices telling me to do what I had seen my sister do: Shoot first, ask questions later. I needed to know if this information was the real deal or just plain false/antiquated, but I didn't want to walk into the situation with guns blazing. I wanted to lure the guy in and then, when he felt safe and comfortable, gently feel my way through to the truth.
Needless to say, that kinda fell through. After telling me that he missed me and really wanted to see me and that we should really hang out at some point (had I not previously suggested this?), I had to tell myself that I needed to find out the truth, and if need be, kick him to the curb.
And that brings us to yesterday... I went on my lunch break, turned on my phone, and received another text from him. We chatted, one thing led to another, and he asked me if I would have sex with him after I was done with work. What? Sex offered to me on a silver platter? The bestest gift anyone could ever offer me? Now let's ignore that I'm going to be standing on my feet for almost eight hours (trust me, I would welcome the time I got to spend on my back afterwards), get off of work at midnight, have to be up at six in the morning, and am therefore supertired (and yes, I get the irony of me still being awake at this time...I mean, I might as well have said yes to the sex). In addition to that, let's overlook me being on my period and not wanting bloodied-up nether regions to be the first sexual impression. Oh yeah, the guy's in a relationship and going to be a dad! And I don't even know if the girlfriend knows about our interactions...
I thanked him for the generous offer (my parents raised us kids to always be polite), but declined due to my schedule. Needless to say, he had a bit of a hissy fit (ever heard of masturbation?). He stated that he could always find someone to sleep with him (yes, it's called your right and your left hands), and of course, my reaction was to get mad and tear into him (you cross the bull, you get the horns), which caused him to apologize (destroying egos, it's a talent). Here's the thing, I'm not a teenage girl blinded by "love," so if you think you can pressure me into having sex with you or doing some crazy shit, that won't work with me. I've had the pleasure of being in abusive relationships early on in my life, and so I've come to learn that I might as well be alone than be a puppet. I was raised to do the right thing, even if that means making some hard decisions. I don't mean to brag, but making hard decisions is my specialty because if someone threatens me with fewer friends and sex, I feel alone most of the time anyway, so even though I care, I know that it isn't worth the pain in the long run.
So, what's the current status? I didn't have sex with him (I would have loved to), he is in a relationship (and she doesn't know about our interactions), and I feel stupid and like the biggest joke in the universe. It's either people who need mothers and therapists, people who want to make fun of me, or who just want to use me for their own selfish agendas.
Now mind you, I don't care about an fwb-type of relationship, or even having sex with someone who is already in a relationship, as long as everyone is on the same page. However, if someone doesn't know about it then they probably wouldn't be okay with these "extracurricular activities," and if you're going to become a parent then you should focus on your child first (at least most of the time).
Anyway, I've cried a little bit, even though I didn't want to. I'm mad at myself for handing out my number and for not having sex (hello, we all know how badly I've been wanting some physical loving!), and I'm upset with this guy.
So, the conclusion is that I must be stupid. However, I'm sure that with a lot of booze and battery power, this crisis shall also pass.

Watashi ga taizen da to omoimasu.

Well, Anime Central is over and all of my boys are at home again. Because I didn't/couldn't go this year, I was, of course, very curious of what went on. Naturally, the one person I didn't need to hear from, I, well, inadvertently heard from (mainly because the living room TV doesn't work). I got to hear him say things about friends of mine. Things that I didn't really appreciate...especially since they were coming from him. He also took a stab at trying to figure out why my friend/roommate (as opposed to my boyfriend/roommate...or as opposed to him, the prick/roommate) attended conventions. However, he doesn't know jack about anything or anyone, so he should shut up!
Anyway, I've slept on it and decided that it would be completely against my usual personality to curse him out. It's hard. Really hard, but I know what types of people my friends are (or at the very least, I have a much better clue than he does) and if I let him get to me, it will just go to show that he is of some significance in my life. If I've learned anything in the past 21 years, it's that ignoring someone/something is more damaging than any physical or verbal attacks that I could hand out.
I think that's all I have to say for now. And yes, I actually do feel quite calm/self-possessed.

Take care mina san!

Should I be stupid or play it safe?

Okay, for those of you who aren't sitting in this: Throughout pretty much all of Illinois, among other places, we are now under a blizzard warning and even though this doesn't seem to be the main focus, part of this area is also under a tornado warning (check weather.gov). All I can say is: Please don't. Don't hit us with both. I know life isn't fair, but this is plain bullshit (sorry).
Also, the University of Illinois (at Urbana-Champaign) still hasn't cancelled classes, which means that I technically need to go to school in the next 20 minutes. Here's the thing, I live about 30 minutes away from the part of town I need to get to and my car isn't made to drive in this weather. Weather.gov already says "do not travel" and that if you have to travel, you should take a winter survival kit with you. I don't really have that either.
I've already had one professor cancel class, but another stated that we would be having class unless the University cancelled all classes.
Excuse me, have you checked the weather outside?
The thing is, it's not really the snow that's the issue, but the strong winds that keep on blowing the snow around.
Oh well, I'll check and see if I need to go babysit today, and if I do, I might as well attempt to go to the one class I have today, but I don't know... Wow, I think my mind just went blank.
No, you know what? I'm not going to class. If you have courthouses, public libraries, and all of your schools closed, I am not going to my class. The only way I'm going to school today is if they actually come to pick me up and take me back home after that.
I'm insane, but I'm not stupid. This isn't supposed to be an insult to everybody who has to be out on the roads. If anything, I'm highly annoyed at UIUC.
So, while the snow continues to fall and pile up and the winds continue to blow, I will sit here, force myself to eat and drink something, take my meds, do at least some of my homework, read, and watch TV and movies. And who knows, I just might get some cross-stitching and crocheting done.

Since I have begun typing this post, I checked weather.gov again, only to find out that what was listed as a tornado warning was actually the blizzard warning. Stop confusing people, okay weather.gov?!

Well, to end this post, I would like to give you something entertaining to watch. And yes, I am a sick sick person...