On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Eight (Welcome to the Downward Spiral)

To start things off, I am writing this entry earlier than usual because, for some bizarre reason, my body decided it wanted to wake up before 6 a.m. today. Now, mind you, I have no business or reason being up at that time. I don't have kids, I don't have a partner, I don't have any pets... There is no job or appointment I have to get to...no obligations that might explain why I woke up and couldn't return to my own personal land of slumber. Which kind of irks me because, considering how I've been feeling for the past week or so, I could've really used the extra couple of hours of relative peace and quiet. Sleep currently is really the only time when I am safe from my own thoughts. But alas no...I am awake and have been for the past five hours (probably for more than that by the time I am done with this entry), and it would be super swell, if I were to continue feeling as neutral or even borderline empty (emotionally speaking) as I am now. However, I'm guessing that this will probably only last until lunchtime...

And for those of you wondering why I even bothered mentioning something like that, it's because our emotions are oftentimes connected to food or other lifestyle habits and so my current emotional state has naturally had an impact on things like my food intake (although it is probably the opposite of what you guys might expect). Besides, how I am feeling will probably be reflected in what I am about to write, so this is just a disclaimer of sorts, so that you at least have an idea of where certain types of phrasing (especially of the harsher variety and especially those directed at me) are coming from.

So, here are my notes/observations/complaints from the past month regarding my weight loss/fitness journey:

1. Treading through quicksand - The closer I have been getting to my goal weight range, the slower my progress seems to get. In fact, this is the first month during which I even gained weight from one week to the next...which was so much fun... In addition to that, there haven't been any major changes to my measurements. So yeah, basically the climb up my very own Mt. Everest (or Kilimanjaro or Fuji, if you prefer) has become a whole lot more steep and difficult to manage. That being said, I somehow still managed to lose 3 kg/a little less than 7 lbs and decrease the size of my waist and hips by a total of another 6 cm/approximately 2.4 inches over the past month. So, not huge progress (for me at least or at least not compared to some of the other months), but progress all the same.

2. The Starvation Games - You know how some people like to eat their feelings? Yeah...I'm not one of them. I used to be. I've gone through phases of stress-eating, but I tend to be less of a stress-eater and more of a stress-starver. This has become blatantly apparent (yet again) over the past week when I experienced a few disappointments in my life and am now struggling with the mental and emotional repairs and damage control. So yeah, there's a lot going on upstairs at the moment. At any given moment really, but now it's more like Black Friday at Walmart, whereas before it was more like lunch rush at the cafeteria... And just to give you an idea of what I mean by stress-starving, let me provide you with a sample of my meals from one of the past days (it's from Tuesday): 2 tablespoons of amaranth with figs and pumpkin/sunflower seeds, one cup of peppermint tea, one small coffee and one roll from the bakery (that was my splurge). Oh, I also had lots and lots of water, but yeah, that was seriously all I had that day. I just couldn't eat more. (Keep in mind, that I am eating so little and still sticking to a regimen of close to 80 minutes of oftentimes hardcore exercise on most days.) Partially it's simply because my appetite is almost completely gone, it's been all but wiped out, it's currently in the ICU...but it's also because keeping a tight leash on my food intake as well as on my workouts makes me feel like I'm in control of something. When people or life in general hurt you or let you down, you try to cope in whatever way possible, and while my way could certainly be worse, I also realize that it's still maladaptive. Unfortunately, this is also my very own way of punishing myself (because I'm obviously such a terrible person and in dire need of punishment...). Oddly enough, I did something very similar back in January and that lasted 5-6 weeks, so I guess we'll see how long this lasts... And yes, I know some of you (like, two maybe three of you) are worried that I'm borderline (or even full-blown) anorexic, you worry about my occasionally (or frequently) low caloric intake, and I would laugh at that, but a) that's kind of mean (especially when confronted with sincere concern), b) there are also plenty of people my size who are anorexic and c) it's true that I don't necessarily have the healthiest relationship with food at times. I appreciate the concern (or a part of me does), but there's nothing you can really do other than hope that the storm will run its course fairly quickly and leave behind relatively little damage.

3. Looking without seeing - One of the things that irks me the most, or that I always feel tremendously conflicted about, is receiving compliments on my physical changes. Men actually seem to not notice that much, either that or they're too afraid to say anything, so not much has changed in that department. I mean, I have gotten a couple of looks, especially on the rare occasions when I do show a tiny bit more skin (as in, I actually dare to show off my clavicle) or if it's in the evening and they've been drinking, but men don't really say too much and that's understandable to a certain extent (it might be considered inappropriate and viewed as a form of harassment, that's why). Or they really have better things to do...like looking at other chicks...or I don't know...concentrate on work and their studies and life... (And no, I don't suddenly want tons of men following me around and telling me how great I look. One would be more than enough... *sigh* Oh stop, Bettina, you're too funny...) No, pretty much all of the compliments or comments I've received have been from other women. I've had everyone from a cashier to the secretary from the Japanese Studies department to my dentist to a couple of friends tell me how great or amazing I supposedly look. Now, while that is certainly flattering (I did and still do put in a tremendous amount of effort into looking the way I look...which is kind of depressing...you would think I could do better), I'm also bothered by it. First off, there's always the implication that I didn't look good or wasn't worth noticing before. Secondly, it confirms my suspicions/beliefs/perception that one is really only worth something or worth noticing when one starts to achieve a certain size or look. And thirdly...you see what I look like when I'm dressed. You're basing your assessment off of my clothed state which allows me to hide the train wreck that is lurking beneath to a certain extent. Sure, clothes fit better and I can fit into a smaller size, but they still are hiding a huge mess. One that I don't think exercise and diet alone can fix, one that I have to look at and live in/with and touch and deal with every. single. day. (How do I cope? Uhh...I usually just try to ignore my body. Yeah, I just kind of pretend it's not even there.) And if you think I'm exaggerating, I want you to imagine a balloon. It's nice, right? It's fun to look at and play with. (Unless you're afraid of balloons, in which case I apologize, but it's the best analogy I could come up with.) Now imagine that that balloon, after it has been inflated for what seems like forever, is slowly losing air and starting to get smaller. Is it still pleasant to look at? No! No, of course it's not. It looks sad and wrinkly and droopy and flabby. Nobody wants to play with the dying, deflating balloon. And that is how I feel about my body more times than I care to admit. Granted, I'm not saying that my body looked better when I had more fat to fill everything out and I'm not going to regain the weight in hopes of becoming a more inflated balloon again, but I guess it's just a reminder of how much work I still have ahead of me. I always feel conflicted when I look at myself because it makes me aware both of how much I've accomplished and how much I still have to do. So, I think what I'm trying to say is to be aware that just because you might mean well with your compliments, you aren't being subjected to the whole picture. You only have to look at the tip of the iceberg. You don't know how the other person feels about their own body or appearance, and unfortunately, we can't all be Ashley Graham who comes across as fierce and gorgeous and hot and super confident, and seems to have every reason to feel that way. All I can say is to try and be patient, be aware that this person (that would be me in this very specific instance) is currently in the middle of a very long and tough journey and to not get upset when they aren't necessarily super thrilled about receiving your compliments. Best case scenario, you'll get the slightest and most forced of smiles...maybe a very awkward and borderline confused "Thank you"...worst case, you'll get a complete rejection of your compliment and a "You're only saying that because you haven't seen me naked."

Well, I think that's enough about that topic for now, so let's see how this month goes...

And just a friendly reminder: I'm not saying that how I'm coping or what I'm doing is the only or even right way. I'm not saying starve yourselves, I'm not promoting anorexia or other eating disorders or excessive exercise. This is just me processing my journey and my struggles along the way. Just because I'm doing it that doesn't make it good or right.

On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Five

Yes, I know... I've been falling into old habits, at least when it comes to my writing. However, considering that I rarely have anything super exciting or pleasant to write about, I usually choose to abstain from it altogether.
Before I proceed, just a quick disclaimer: Just because something works for me (or just because I do things a certain way), in the areas of nutrition and fitness in this case, that does NOT mean that it will or even necessarily should work for you. I'm not saying that what I'm doing is the only or even the right way. This is just me processing my experience and passing along my thoughts and feelings. Are we all good? Yeah? Okay, let's move on then.
The last time I wrote was at the end of month one of my little journey, and I was a bit of a wreck. My whole January was just one big vortex of suckitude, and even though things have gotten better, I still have my ups and downs. That being said, I am still working out regularly and trying to eat as healthily as possible. So, those are the two major positives.
Since then, so in the past 3-4 months, I've lost roughly 20 kg (or 44 lbs for those of you who still haven't jumped on the metric bandwagon) and 92.5 cm (or approximately 36.4 inches) of my total body mass. My body feels somewhat firmer in places, I feel stronger, and my clothes fit better (well, they "fit better" in the sense that a lot of them are now borderline threatening to drown me, so a thorough closet cleanse followed by, and I shudder at the thought, a shopping spree are probably in order).
Of course, not all is well in the 'verse. Try as I might, I still can barely balance on my right leg, so any single-legged exercises (and I'm including lunges in this category) not only take longer to complete, they also usually involve quite a bit of stumbling or having to hold onto a door or chair. Despite getting stronger, losing fat and gaining muscle mass, I'm not quite as flexible or strong as I could or would like to be. You know those bridge poses that seem to be standard practice for yoga? Yeah...I still can't get my shoulders or even my head up off the floor. So those are certainly points of frustration for me. As for my physical appearance, I can't say that I've yet reached a point where I'm super thrilled about it. I do appreciate being able to see (and feel) my ab muscles more. Granted, I may never be able to take pride in being able to show off my own hand-chiseled six-pack, but it seems like I at the very least have the potential of developing my own two-pack (not to be confused with the late Tupac...RIP). Now, as hot and impressive as that might sound, the fact that I still have two fairly sizeable fat folds hanging off of my abs and that there are stretch marks that run up and down my torso definitely take away from that image of potential sexiness and strength (unless you're into that type of thing...I don't know what you people like). In addition to that, I'm trying to mentally prepare for the joy that is loose skin. Sure, I haven't reached my goal weight yet, nor have I even done everything in my power fitness-wise to try and counteract or prevent this unfortunate, potential side effect, but it's a very real possibility that I might wind up in a plastic surgeon's office at some point in the (nearish) future to talk about body and breast lifts. I'm not thrilled about it, in fact it kind of pisses me off, but the slight puckering of skin on my inner thighs or on my stomach and breasts serve as a constant reminder that that might be something that I'll feel compelled to look into at some point.
And yes, I realize that I just typed up a whole lot more stuff about the negatives than the positives. Unfortunately, I'm still at a point in this process where I see all the things that still need to be done. I'm more focused on how far I still have to go, instead of how far I've already come, which is a problem and one that I should probably work on.
Do I have any goals for next month? I've already met one of them way ahead of schedule, but other than that, it's really just going to be about continuing with what I'm currently doing. I'm going to continue with my workouts, I'm going to continue with my mostly healthy eating... The one thing that I need to be aware of, and this has been an issue since almost the very beginning of this journey, is my actual caloric intake. And it's not what you think. I don't really have the problem with eating too much or too often, at least not most of the time. No, I tend to either forget to eat (and yes, I have actually gone for 7-8 hours in between meals before it dawned on me that I should probably eat something again) or I just forgo food (be it because I'm simply not hungry or that I'm worried that I've eaten too much already or because I'm obviously a bit of a masochist and use abstinence from the various "joys" of life as a punishment/disciplinary device of sorts). Normally this doesn't faze me all too much mainly because this is what I'm used to. However, I have been told by one of my friends (repeatedly) that I might not be eating enough. I honestly don't know if this is true or not. To determine something like that, I would have to actually write down what I eat and how much, in addition to figuring out how many calories I actually need for my current physical state and activity level...and I'm just not quite ready for that. At some point, sure, it'll probably come to that. Until then, I'll just continue trying to listen to my own body and hopefully she'll know what she needs and when.
Since this has gotten way too long (again), I will end it here and maybe I'll get around to providing everyone (all of like the negative two of you reading) with more regular updates.
Take care! And remember, this is not meant to be a guide that you should model your own weight-loss efforts or life in general off of.