Masturdating with B: Throwing Myself to the Wolves

Credit: boredpanda.com

Yes, I realized what I just did there, and yes, I totally did that on purpose. This is me we're talking about after all...

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of masturdating, see the above picture, it is when you go out on a date with and by yourself. Which is what I've been doing a lot of within the course of the past week.

Now, considering how angry and bitter I've been feeling lately whenever I've been out and about and surrounded by others, and how anxious and uncomfortable I am in the presence of others in general, why in the 'verse would I possibly do this to myself? Well, for one, that's just the way it's worked out this past week. I've had appointments to go to and errands to run, so I decided to see if I could actually go to a restaurant...by myself...as someone who is still (and probably will always be) full(er)-figured...and eat in public. I know! The shock!! The horror!!! How dare she?!?! Well, it is Halloween season and everyone loves a scary story. Actually...that's not entirely true...I can count off on one hand the number of people I know who love horror as much as I do... And as a second major point, and some of you will probably take offense to this, if I were to actually wait on my friends to do anything remotely fun in public, like go to the movies or try out a new restaurant, I would die of old age. For example, I am currently trying to organize a get-together to celebrate reaching my first goal weight, but do you think that anybody has really responded? So far, I've had one friend ask me what I want to do (however, what's the point of me wanting to do anything, if the people I want to do it with can't even be bothered to answer the simple question of whether or not they want to attend this get-together to begin with?!) and another wants to hang out with me in private (which is always nice and needed and appreciated...but not really the expected reaction to that particular inquiry). The rest of the people (granted, I have yet to invite another person, but I was going to wait until I had something more concrete planned, although I'm probably not going to get a definite answer out of them either...) have either been remarkably silent (despite having read the message) or haven't even looked at the message for whatever reason (probably because everybody's switched to Snapchat and WhatsApp and I was stupid and posted the message on Facebook...).

So, long story short: I don't know why I have friends. I don't know why I bother wanting to spend time with or talk to them sometimes. I love them, I really do, but occasionally I have to wonder about the people in my life. There are times when I basically equate them to my appendix. Sure, they're probably supposed to serve some purpose and did at one point or another, but they tend to just exist most of the time and if I'm not careful, they might potentially become inflamed or burst and send me to the ER and be the death of me... I have a knack for the visual, I know...and you're welcome. I guess I've just slowly been coming to the conclusion (yet again) that I'm simply not as important to some people as they are to me. Which is why I'm one of the few dumbasses who has to fend for and entertain themselves... Mind you, like I said before, I'm writing this knowing that it is potentially hurtful to some, but that I also still deeply care for these select few individuals and it's not like I'm suddenly fed up with them or have given up on my relationships with them. I am more than aware that some of them feel bad for seemingly neglecting/ignoring me, I know that they have their own lives and obligations and social activities (as they should and as I expect them to), and as much as I care for them and am mostly forgiving (well, I try to be at least...), it is precisely because I care for them, that feeling ignored/neglected/rejected/dejected by/because of these people stings all the more and this therefore sounds more bitter and accusatory than it is meant to. So, my apologies to anyone in my innermost circle who is hurt/offended by this, feel free to approach me about it (and if I counter with the whole "It's okay...I know you're busy/dealing with stuff too" shtick, call me out on my bullshit and tell me to fess the eff up and open up about how I really feel). This is just me processing my feelings/impressions of how things have been going for me relationally for a while now. That doesn't make them true, or completely true at least. This is how I've been feeling more often than not recently (and not so recently), and my feelings are still at least somewhat valid.

Anywho...moving on...

As far as how my solo excursions went, they were mostly okay...ish... Today and yesterday I sat down at a couple of restaurants and managed to eat without feeling judged too much, even though I think that some people were still confused (I mean, who goes out and eats by themselves? That's just crazy...), but it was still mostly nice...I think. However, I was annoyed during my outing to the movies on Monday (I watched The Magnificent Seven, which was good, but, considering how long it is, they should have edited the amount of commercials they played beforehand...just like I should be editing my blog posts...) and I almost broke down crying during my "celebratory" meal on Friday...

To explain what happened: I decided to treat myself for my successful weight loss endeavors to a burger (of all things because clothes shopping is at least as much fun as eating in public, and I hear that people need food to survive...) at this place that I had been wanting to go to for the better part of a year, but I kept on putting it off because I didn't want to go by myself (people tend to look at you either like you don't belong or like you shouldn't be allowed to eat out in public if you don't look a certain way or they look at you like an abused puppy who they feel sorry for...) or that I was never at the "right" weight to allow myself certain indulgences (I am an expert at talking myself out of all sorts of stuff...it's a gift really). However, after coming to the conclusion that I was never going to get around to making this experience if I waited for a volunteer/partner in crime, I went to this burger joint, I sat down, I ordered, I felt bad for ordering fries in addition to the damn burger (but it was a good burger), at one point a piece of the burger almost fell on my clothes, I looked up for a second to see this other woman who was also eating by herself look at me and laugh (not maliciously or judgey, it was more of a "Yeah...that happens to me all the time too" or "That was adorable/relatable" chuckle)...and I could feel my face get really warm and the muscles around my eyes tense up in anticipation of the tears that were starting to well up. I was barely able to regain my composure and just wanted to call it a day, tuck tail and run back to the safety of my apartment. Unfortunately, I still had to go in to work that day, so no hiding and licking wounds for me.

Looking back at these past few solo outings, I do realize that (as independent and self-sufficient as I am in other areas of my life) this is something I should be doing more often. Maybe not as often as this past week (both my body and scale are not too happy with me right now, which is why I've been trying to get in 2-3 hour workouts as much as I can), but maybe I should try to make it a weekly or biweekly occurrence. Who knows... Besides, it's a good way for me to get some extracurricular reading in, which I don't really get around to when I'm at home.