After nine months of blood, sweat and tears (and I mean that literally), I finally, FINALLY managed to reach my first goal weight a couple of days ago. And yes, I have multiple goal weights and no, I still won't be revealing any numbers. Okay...fine, I only have two specific goal weights...the third one is more like "Let me see how much weight I can lose before I collapse" and I think the fourth one is "Am I socially relevant, conventionally attractive and loveable/dateable/f***able now?" Oh what?! Don't you dare judge me from the safety of your computer/smartphone screens!!!
But yes, I finally managed to cross one of my self-imposed finish lines...and I'm still not satisfied. While I, on the one hand, realize that I've accomplished a lot and I know I should be proud for pulling off such a tremendous feat of badassery, it almost feels like I'm in a perpetual slump now. In fact, I almost feel more ashamed of being seen in public now than I did a few months ago. I mean, I've become even more protective of and hyperaware of my physical presence (you should see me walking through the downtown area, I'm pretty sure I look like a wounded animal trying to find a hole or cave to hide in)...and in a twist of almost Shyamalanian proportions, I still see myself as being heavier than I actually am and am always shocked when I look at myself in a foreign mirror.
Here's the thing, it almost doesn't matter that I've worked so hard and lost so much weight because whenever I look at myself, it just pisses me off and sometimes even kind of disgusts me. Now, does this mean that I'll quit working out and paying attention to my "diet" (and yes, I know some of you hate that dirty, dirty d-word...)? No, because I've already made it this far, so I should see how far I can take it and maybe, just maybe I'll learn to at the very least tolerate my outer shell and not feel like punching a hole in the wall every time I have to look at it.
And to those of you saying "Well, if losing weight is making you so miserable, wouldn't you simply be better off staying on the more voluptuous side and being happy in your own skin?" First of all, thank you, smartass. You're clearly new to the party and don't actually know me. Your sass is not appreciated at the current moment. If I had actually been happier at a higher weight, don't you think I would've stayed at that weight and not even bothered losing it to begin with?! The plain and simple truth is: I was neither happy as a heavier person, nor will I be happy in the near(ish) future...even if I suddenly and somehow managed to lose half of my current weight. My happiness/satisfaction isn't tied to the number on the scale. So, considering that I'm going to be miserable either way, given the choice, I would rather be skinnier and less of an eyesore to everyone else. And no, I'm not saying that heavier women are eyesores or even ugly or unhappy or that I even think/believe that. This is specifically and exclusively about me. Because this blog is my playground and I get to be a narcissist for once in my life. I've even said that I might be okay with being overweight, if my body didn't look so jacked up (and if I looked more like Loey Lane or Ashley Graham). And yes, my body is a friggin' train wreck, an absolute dumpster fire... It looks like it tried to contain the blast of ten H-bombs, failed horribly and then just got duct-taped back together. (Of course, I should add that this isn't necessarily true, I just currently feel like it is.)
Anyways...this post was actually supposed to be more celebratory, considering what I just managed to accomplish...and then it turned into a brutal slaughtering of my self-image/esteem/confidence. I'm in a foul mood, okay?! Miss Bettina is so far removed from happy (whatever that might entail or feel like) that she can see the birth of the cosmos.
Oh well...here's to hoping that this month will see me being slightly kinder to myself... Granted, I don't think I deserve much self-compassion right now, but I hear that it's an important trait to have.
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Saturday, October 01, 2016
Thursday, September 01, 2016
On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Eight (Welcome to the Downward Spiral)
To start things off, I am writing this entry earlier than usual because, for some bizarre reason, my body decided it wanted to wake up before 6 a.m. today. Now, mind you, I have no business or reason being up at that time. I don't have kids, I don't have a partner, I don't have any pets... There is no job or appointment I have to get to...no obligations that might explain why I woke up and couldn't return to my own personal land of slumber. Which kind of irks me because, considering how I've been feeling for the past week or so, I could've really used the extra couple of hours of relative peace and quiet. Sleep currently is really the only time when I am safe from my own thoughts. But alas no...I am awake and have been for the past five hours (probably for more than that by the time I am done with this entry), and it would be super swell, if I were to continue feeling as neutral or even borderline empty (emotionally speaking) as I am now. However, I'm guessing that this will probably only last until lunchtime...
And for those of you wondering why I even bothered mentioning something like that, it's because our emotions are oftentimes connected to food or other lifestyle habits and so my current emotional state has naturally had an impact on things like my food intake (although it is probably the opposite of what you guys might expect). Besides, how I am feeling will probably be reflected in what I am about to write, so this is just a disclaimer of sorts, so that you at least have an idea of where certain types of phrasing (especially of the harsher variety and especially those directed at me) are coming from.
So, here are my notes/observations/complaints from the past month regarding my weight loss/fitness journey:
1. Treading through quicksand - The closer I have been getting to my goal weight range, the slower my progress seems to get. In fact, this is the first month during which I even gained weight from one week to the next...which was so much fun... In addition to that, there haven't been any major changes to my measurements. So yeah, basically the climb up my very own Mt. Everest (or Kilimanjaro or Fuji, if you prefer) has become a whole lot more steep and difficult to manage. That being said, I somehow still managed to lose 3 kg/a little less than 7 lbs and decrease the size of my waist and hips by a total of another 6 cm/approximately 2.4 inches over the past month. So, not huge progress (for me at least or at least not compared to some of the other months), but progress all the same.
2. The Starvation Games - You know how some people like to eat their feelings? Yeah...I'm not one of them. I used to be. I've gone through phases of stress-eating, but I tend to be less of a stress-eater and more of a stress-starver. This has become blatantly apparent (yet again) over the past week when I experienced a few disappointments in my life and am now struggling with the mental and emotional repairs and damage control. So yeah, there's a lot going on upstairs at the moment. At any given moment really, but now it's more like Black Friday at Walmart, whereas before it was more like lunch rush at the cafeteria... And just to give you an idea of what I mean by stress-starving, let me provide you with a sample of my meals from one of the past days (it's from Tuesday): 2 tablespoons of amaranth with figs and pumpkin/sunflower seeds, one cup of peppermint tea, one small coffee and one roll from the bakery (that was my splurge). Oh, I also had lots and lots of water, but yeah, that was seriously all I had that day. I just couldn't eat more. (Keep in mind, that I am eating so little and still sticking to a regimen of close to 80 minutes of oftentimes hardcore exercise on most days.) Partially it's simply because my appetite is almost completely gone, it's been all but wiped out, it's currently in the ICU...but it's also because keeping a tight leash on my food intake as well as on my workouts makes me feel like I'm in control of something. When people or life in general hurt you or let you down, you try to cope in whatever way possible, and while my way could certainly be worse, I also realize that it's still maladaptive. Unfortunately, this is also my very own way of punishing myself (because I'm obviously such a terrible person and in dire need of punishment...). Oddly enough, I did something very similar back in January and that lasted 5-6 weeks, so I guess we'll see how long this lasts... And yes, I know some of you (like, two maybe three of you) are worried that I'm borderline (or even full-blown) anorexic, you worry about my occasionally (or frequently) low caloric intake, and I would laugh at that, but a) that's kind of mean (especially when confronted with sincere concern), b) there are also plenty of people my size who are anorexic and c) it's true that I don't necessarily have the healthiest relationship with food at times. I appreciate the concern (or a part of me does), but there's nothing you can really do other than hope that the storm will run its course fairly quickly and leave behind relatively little damage.
3. Looking without seeing - One of the things that irks me the most, or that I always feel tremendously conflicted about, is receiving compliments on my physical changes. Men actually seem to not notice that much, either that or they're too afraid to say anything, so not much has changed in that department. I mean, I have gotten a couple of looks, especially on the rare occasions when I do show a tiny bit more skin (as in, I actually dare to show off my clavicle) or if it's in the evening and they've been drinking, but men don't really say too much and that's understandable to a certain extent (it might be considered inappropriate and viewed as a form of harassment, that's why). Or they really have better things to do...like looking at other chicks...or I don't know...concentrate on work and their studies and life... (And no, I don't suddenly want tons of men following me around and telling me how great I look. One would be more than enough... *sigh* Oh stop, Bettina, you're too funny...) No, pretty much all of the compliments or comments I've received have been from other women. I've had everyone from a cashier to the secretary from the Japanese Studies department to my dentist to a couple of friends tell me how great or amazing I supposedly look. Now, while that is certainly flattering (I did and still do put in a tremendous amount of effort into looking the way I look...which is kind of depressing...you would think I could do better), I'm also bothered by it. First off, there's always the implication that I didn't look good or wasn't worth noticing before. Secondly, it confirms my suspicions/beliefs/perception that one is really only worth something or worth noticing when one starts to achieve a certain size or look. And thirdly...you see what I look like when I'm dressed. You're basing your assessment off of my clothed state which allows me to hide the train wreck that is lurking beneath to a certain extent. Sure, clothes fit better and I can fit into a smaller size, but they still are hiding a huge mess. One that I don't think exercise and diet alone can fix, one that I have to look at and live in/with and touch and deal with every. single. day. (How do I cope? Uhh...I usually just try to ignore my body. Yeah, I just kind of pretend it's not even there.) And if you think I'm exaggerating, I want you to imagine a balloon. It's nice, right? It's fun to look at and play with. (Unless you're afraid of balloons, in which case I apologize, but it's the best analogy I could come up with.) Now imagine that that balloon, after it has been inflated for what seems like forever, is slowly losing air and starting to get smaller. Is it still pleasant to look at? No! No, of course it's not. It looks sad and wrinkly and droopy and flabby. Nobody wants to play with the dying, deflating balloon. And that is how I feel about my body more times than I care to admit. Granted, I'm not saying that my body looked better when I had more fat to fill everything out and I'm not going to regain the weight in hopes of becoming a more inflated balloon again, but I guess it's just a reminder of how much work I still have ahead of me. I always feel conflicted when I look at myself because it makes me aware both of how much I've accomplished and how much I still have to do. So, I think what I'm trying to say is to be aware that just because you might mean well with your compliments, you aren't being subjected to the whole picture. You only have to look at the tip of the iceberg. You don't know how the other person feels about their own body or appearance, and unfortunately, we can't all be Ashley Graham who comes across as fierce and gorgeous and hot and super confident, and seems to have every reason to feel that way. All I can say is to try and be patient, be aware that this person (that would be me in this very specific instance) is currently in the middle of a very long and tough journey and to not get upset when they aren't necessarily super thrilled about receiving your compliments. Best case scenario, you'll get the slightest and most forced of smiles...maybe a very awkward and borderline confused "Thank you"...worst case, you'll get a complete rejection of your compliment and a "You're only saying that because you haven't seen me naked."
Well, I think that's enough about that topic for now, so let's see how this month goes...
And just a friendly reminder: I'm not saying that how I'm coping or what I'm doing is the only or even right way. I'm not saying starve yourselves, I'm not promoting anorexia or other eating disorders or excessive exercise. This is just me processing my journey and my struggles along the way. Just because I'm doing it that doesn't make it good or right.
And for those of you wondering why I even bothered mentioning something like that, it's because our emotions are oftentimes connected to food or other lifestyle habits and so my current emotional state has naturally had an impact on things like my food intake (although it is probably the opposite of what you guys might expect). Besides, how I am feeling will probably be reflected in what I am about to write, so this is just a disclaimer of sorts, so that you at least have an idea of where certain types of phrasing (especially of the harsher variety and especially those directed at me) are coming from.
So, here are my notes/observations/complaints from the past month regarding my weight loss/fitness journey:
1. Treading through quicksand - The closer I have been getting to my goal weight range, the slower my progress seems to get. In fact, this is the first month during which I even gained weight from one week to the next...which was so much fun... In addition to that, there haven't been any major changes to my measurements. So yeah, basically the climb up my very own Mt. Everest (or Kilimanjaro or Fuji, if you prefer) has become a whole lot more steep and difficult to manage. That being said, I somehow still managed to lose 3 kg/a little less than 7 lbs and decrease the size of my waist and hips by a total of another 6 cm/approximately 2.4 inches over the past month. So, not huge progress (for me at least or at least not compared to some of the other months), but progress all the same.
2. The Starvation Games - You know how some people like to eat their feelings? Yeah...I'm not one of them. I used to be. I've gone through phases of stress-eating, but I tend to be less of a stress-eater and more of a stress-starver. This has become blatantly apparent (yet again) over the past week when I experienced a few disappointments in my life and am now struggling with the mental and emotional repairs and damage control. So yeah, there's a lot going on upstairs at the moment. At any given moment really, but now it's more like Black Friday at Walmart, whereas before it was more like lunch rush at the cafeteria... And just to give you an idea of what I mean by stress-starving, let me provide you with a sample of my meals from one of the past days (it's from Tuesday): 2 tablespoons of amaranth with figs and pumpkin/sunflower seeds, one cup of peppermint tea, one small coffee and one roll from the bakery (that was my splurge). Oh, I also had lots and lots of water, but yeah, that was seriously all I had that day. I just couldn't eat more. (Keep in mind, that I am eating so little and still sticking to a regimen of close to 80 minutes of oftentimes hardcore exercise on most days.) Partially it's simply because my appetite is almost completely gone, it's been all but wiped out, it's currently in the ICU...but it's also because keeping a tight leash on my food intake as well as on my workouts makes me feel like I'm in control of something. When people or life in general hurt you or let you down, you try to cope in whatever way possible, and while my way could certainly be worse, I also realize that it's still maladaptive. Unfortunately, this is also my very own way of punishing myself (because I'm obviously such a terrible person and in dire need of punishment...). Oddly enough, I did something very similar back in January and that lasted 5-6 weeks, so I guess we'll see how long this lasts... And yes, I know some of you (like, two maybe three of you) are worried that I'm borderline (or even full-blown) anorexic, you worry about my occasionally (or frequently) low caloric intake, and I would laugh at that, but a) that's kind of mean (especially when confronted with sincere concern), b) there are also plenty of people my size who are anorexic and c) it's true that I don't necessarily have the healthiest relationship with food at times. I appreciate the concern (or a part of me does), but there's nothing you can really do other than hope that the storm will run its course fairly quickly and leave behind relatively little damage.
3. Looking without seeing - One of the things that irks me the most, or that I always feel tremendously conflicted about, is receiving compliments on my physical changes. Men actually seem to not notice that much, either that or they're too afraid to say anything, so not much has changed in that department. I mean, I have gotten a couple of looks, especially on the rare occasions when I do show a tiny bit more skin (as in, I actually dare to show off my clavicle) or if it's in the evening and they've been drinking, but men don't really say too much and that's understandable to a certain extent (it might be considered inappropriate and viewed as a form of harassment, that's why). Or they really have better things to do...like looking at other chicks...or I don't know...concentrate on work and their studies and life... (And no, I don't suddenly want tons of men following me around and telling me how great I look. One would be more than enough... *sigh* Oh stop, Bettina, you're too funny...) No, pretty much all of the compliments or comments I've received have been from other women. I've had everyone from a cashier to the secretary from the Japanese Studies department to my dentist to a couple of friends tell me how great or amazing I supposedly look. Now, while that is certainly flattering (I did and still do put in a tremendous amount of effort into looking the way I look...which is kind of depressing...you would think I could do better), I'm also bothered by it. First off, there's always the implication that I didn't look good or wasn't worth noticing before. Secondly, it confirms my suspicions/beliefs/perception that one is really only worth something or worth noticing when one starts to achieve a certain size or look. And thirdly...you see what I look like when I'm dressed. You're basing your assessment off of my clothed state which allows me to hide the train wreck that is lurking beneath to a certain extent. Sure, clothes fit better and I can fit into a smaller size, but they still are hiding a huge mess. One that I don't think exercise and diet alone can fix, one that I have to look at and live in/with and touch and deal with every. single. day. (How do I cope? Uhh...I usually just try to ignore my body. Yeah, I just kind of pretend it's not even there.) And if you think I'm exaggerating, I want you to imagine a balloon. It's nice, right? It's fun to look at and play with. (Unless you're afraid of balloons, in which case I apologize, but it's the best analogy I could come up with.) Now imagine that that balloon, after it has been inflated for what seems like forever, is slowly losing air and starting to get smaller. Is it still pleasant to look at? No! No, of course it's not. It looks sad and wrinkly and droopy and flabby. Nobody wants to play with the dying, deflating balloon. And that is how I feel about my body more times than I care to admit. Granted, I'm not saying that my body looked better when I had more fat to fill everything out and I'm not going to regain the weight in hopes of becoming a more inflated balloon again, but I guess it's just a reminder of how much work I still have ahead of me. I always feel conflicted when I look at myself because it makes me aware both of how much I've accomplished and how much I still have to do. So, I think what I'm trying to say is to be aware that just because you might mean well with your compliments, you aren't being subjected to the whole picture. You only have to look at the tip of the iceberg. You don't know how the other person feels about their own body or appearance, and unfortunately, we can't all be Ashley Graham who comes across as fierce and gorgeous and hot and super confident, and seems to have every reason to feel that way. All I can say is to try and be patient, be aware that this person (that would be me in this very specific instance) is currently in the middle of a very long and tough journey and to not get upset when they aren't necessarily super thrilled about receiving your compliments. Best case scenario, you'll get the slightest and most forced of smiles...maybe a very awkward and borderline confused "Thank you"...worst case, you'll get a complete rejection of your compliment and a "You're only saying that because you haven't seen me naked."
Well, I think that's enough about that topic for now, so let's see how this month goes...
And just a friendly reminder: I'm not saying that how I'm coping or what I'm doing is the only or even right way. I'm not saying starve yourselves, I'm not promoting anorexia or other eating disorders or excessive exercise. This is just me processing my journey and my struggles along the way. Just because I'm doing it that doesn't make it good or right.
Sunday, August 07, 2016
On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Seven (Next Station: Stagnation?)
Yes, I know... I haven't posted in over two months (with the exception of last night's little writing exercise) and it's technically month eight, but considering that this is more of a retrospective, let's just not question it, okay?
Now, as with all of these entries (or pretty much anything I write), this isn't meant as something you should model your life after. Just because something does or does not work for me, that doesn't mean that the same applies to you. If you're looking to lose weight or tone up or maintain weight, it's important to figure out what works or doesn't work for you. Besides, I can't necessarily claim to have always gone about this journey in the best way possible.
With 5-15 kg/11-33 lbs left until I reach my goal weight range, which I still refuse to disclose openly on my blog, it seems that my body has decided to step on the brakes ever so slightly. Yes people, we are nearing the land of Stagnation. Just in case you've never been, it's a magical place that manages to lure in plenty of visitors right before they reach their desired destination. Unfortunately, it is also a place that is easy to get lost in and, in many cases, people simply lose hope and return to their point of departure or to places that are even farther away. If you belong to the group of people who have never had to pass through Stagnation or whose route took them nowhere near it, lucky you, this clearly isn't meant for you.
I, however, have been mentally and emotionally preparing for this moment ever since I started this journey. And before you get all uppity and say "Bettina, why do you always to be so pessimistic?!" I want you think about this for just a second...or five: The more you weigh, the more calories you need, the more calories you burn just by existing. Now, when you start to lose weight, your body naturally doesn't need as much fuel, meaning it will start to use less fuel. Unless I decide to introduce bigger changes into my nutrition and exercise program, unless I find ways to increase my muscle mass, my body's going to become complacent. For a while at least. It's essentially like nearing a black hole. We all want to know what's on the other side of one, but since we don't even know if there is an "other side," we prefer to stay at a very comfy distance from it. I'm not entirely sure that that analogy made sense, but it did in my head, so I'm going with it. And no, I'm not saying we should try to send people through black holes Hunger Games-style. Through luck of the draw or winning the lottery.
So no, preparing for my weight to come to a halt isn't me being pessimistic, it's me being realistic. The odds, one might say, are not necessarily in my favor. In fact, I'm surprised that I made it this far as quickly as I did. I barely lost anything during the first month, I've had to (and still have to) deal with several health issues along the way, both expected (Hashimoto's thyroiditis) and unexpected (elevated uric acid levels which could and actually still might lead to gout), so even if I do hit my very own metaphorical wall, I already have plenty to be proud of.
Will I still get frustrated when, or if, it happens? Of course! I would dare say that the closer I get to my goal weight, the more frustrated I'm going to be. Will I get mad? Ehh...probably. Will I give up? No. I haven't come this far and accomplished so much to just throw in the towel when the going gets tough because, let's face it, the going is pretty much always tough. I've shed so much blood, sweat and tears (and I mean that literally) that I refuse to let that wall stop me. I will find a way over, around or even through it, even it means putting in 3/6/9/12+ months of hard work with little to no results.
Giving up is rarely an option for me. In pretty much all areas of life. Sure, sometimes I have to cut my losses or be a bit creative with my approach or even come up with plans B/C/D/E/etc., but as long as I haven't tried or done the best I can, I refuse to surrender. What an uplifting ending to this entry, right? I just made it sound like I'm going to war or something else similarly epic, which might actually be true on some level...
Thank you for reading (to those of you who do actually stumble across these entries) and hopefully, I can finally get my act together and post more regularly! And take care on your own personal journeys!
Sunday, May 29, 2016
On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Five
Yes, I know... I've been falling into old habits, at least when it comes to my writing. However, considering that I rarely have anything super exciting or pleasant to write about, I usually choose to abstain from it altogether.
Before I proceed, just a quick disclaimer: Just because something works for me (or just because I do things a certain way), in the areas of nutrition and fitness in this case, that does NOT mean that it will or even necessarily should work for you. I'm not saying that what I'm doing is the only or even the right way. This is just me processing my experience and passing along my thoughts and feelings. Are we all good? Yeah? Okay, let's move on then.
The last time I wrote was at the end of month one of my little journey, and I was a bit of a wreck. My whole January was just one big vortex of suckitude, and even though things have gotten better, I still have my ups and downs. That being said, I am still working out regularly and trying to eat as healthily as possible. So, those are the two major positives.
Since then, so in the past 3-4 months, I've lost roughly 20 kg (or 44 lbs for those of you who still haven't jumped on the metric bandwagon) and 92.5 cm (or approximately 36.4 inches) of my total body mass. My body feels somewhat firmer in places, I feel stronger, and my clothes fit better (well, they "fit better" in the sense that a lot of them are now borderline threatening to drown me, so a thorough closet cleanse followed by, and I shudder at the thought, a shopping spree are probably in order).
Of course, not all is well in the 'verse. Try as I might, I still can barely balance on my right leg, so any single-legged exercises (and I'm including lunges in this category) not only take longer to complete, they also usually involve quite a bit of stumbling or having to hold onto a door or chair. Despite getting stronger, losing fat and gaining muscle mass, I'm not quite as flexible or strong as I could or would like to be. You know those bridge poses that seem to be standard practice for yoga? Yeah...I still can't get my shoulders or even my head up off the floor. So those are certainly points of frustration for me. As for my physical appearance, I can't say that I've yet reached a point where I'm super thrilled about it. I do appreciate being able to see (and feel) my ab muscles more. Granted, I may never be able to take pride in being able to show off my own hand-chiseled six-pack, but it seems like I at the very least have the potential of developing my own two-pack (not to be confused with the late Tupac...RIP). Now, as hot and impressive as that might sound, the fact that I still have two fairly sizeable fat folds hanging off of my abs and that there are stretch marks that run up and down my torso definitely take away from that image of potential sexiness and strength (unless you're into that type of thing...I don't know what you people like). In addition to that, I'm trying to mentally prepare for the joy that is loose skin. Sure, I haven't reached my goal weight yet, nor have I even done everything in my power fitness-wise to try and counteract or prevent this unfortunate, potential side effect, but it's a very real possibility that I might wind up in a plastic surgeon's office at some point in the (nearish) future to talk about body and breast lifts. I'm not thrilled about it, in fact it kind of pisses me off, but the slight puckering of skin on my inner thighs or on my stomach and breasts serve as a constant reminder that that might be something that I'll feel compelled to look into at some point.
And yes, I realize that I just typed up a whole lot more stuff about the negatives than the positives. Unfortunately, I'm still at a point in this process where I see all the things that still need to be done. I'm more focused on how far I still have to go, instead of how far I've already come, which is a problem and one that I should probably work on.
Do I have any goals for next month? I've already met one of them way ahead of schedule, but other than that, it's really just going to be about continuing with what I'm currently doing. I'm going to continue with my workouts, I'm going to continue with my mostly healthy eating... The one thing that I need to be aware of, and this has been an issue since almost the very beginning of this journey, is my actual caloric intake. And it's not what you think. I don't really have the problem with eating too much or too often, at least not most of the time. No, I tend to either forget to eat (and yes, I have actually gone for 7-8 hours in between meals before it dawned on me that I should probably eat something again) or I just forgo food (be it because I'm simply not hungry or that I'm worried that I've eaten too much already or because I'm obviously a bit of a masochist and use abstinence from the various "joys" of life as a punishment/disciplinary device of sorts). Normally this doesn't faze me all too much mainly because this is what I'm used to. However, I have been told by one of my friends (repeatedly) that I might not be eating enough. I honestly don't know if this is true or not. To determine something like that, I would have to actually write down what I eat and how much, in addition to figuring out how many calories I actually need for my current physical state and activity level...and I'm just not quite ready for that. At some point, sure, it'll probably come to that. Until then, I'll just continue trying to listen to my own body and hopefully she'll know what she needs and when.
Since this has gotten way too long (again), I will end it here and maybe I'll get around to providing everyone (all of like the negative two of you reading) with more regular updates.
Take care! And remember, this is not meant to be a guide that you should model your own weight-loss efforts or life in general off of.
Before I proceed, just a quick disclaimer: Just because something works for me (or just because I do things a certain way), in the areas of nutrition and fitness in this case, that does NOT mean that it will or even necessarily should work for you. I'm not saying that what I'm doing is the only or even the right way. This is just me processing my experience and passing along my thoughts and feelings. Are we all good? Yeah? Okay, let's move on then.
The last time I wrote was at the end of month one of my little journey, and I was a bit of a wreck. My whole January was just one big vortex of suckitude, and even though things have gotten better, I still have my ups and downs. That being said, I am still working out regularly and trying to eat as healthily as possible. So, those are the two major positives.
Since then, so in the past 3-4 months, I've lost roughly 20 kg (or 44 lbs for those of you who still haven't jumped on the metric bandwagon) and 92.5 cm (or approximately 36.4 inches) of my total body mass. My body feels somewhat firmer in places, I feel stronger, and my clothes fit better (well, they "fit better" in the sense that a lot of them are now borderline threatening to drown me, so a thorough closet cleanse followed by, and I shudder at the thought, a shopping spree are probably in order).
Of course, not all is well in the 'verse. Try as I might, I still can barely balance on my right leg, so any single-legged exercises (and I'm including lunges in this category) not only take longer to complete, they also usually involve quite a bit of stumbling or having to hold onto a door or chair. Despite getting stronger, losing fat and gaining muscle mass, I'm not quite as flexible or strong as I could or would like to be. You know those bridge poses that seem to be standard practice for yoga? Yeah...I still can't get my shoulders or even my head up off the floor. So those are certainly points of frustration for me. As for my physical appearance, I can't say that I've yet reached a point where I'm super thrilled about it. I do appreciate being able to see (and feel) my ab muscles more. Granted, I may never be able to take pride in being able to show off my own hand-chiseled six-pack, but it seems like I at the very least have the potential of developing my own two-pack (not to be confused with the late Tupac...RIP). Now, as hot and impressive as that might sound, the fact that I still have two fairly sizeable fat folds hanging off of my abs and that there are stretch marks that run up and down my torso definitely take away from that image of potential sexiness and strength (unless you're into that type of thing...I don't know what you people like). In addition to that, I'm trying to mentally prepare for the joy that is loose skin. Sure, I haven't reached my goal weight yet, nor have I even done everything in my power fitness-wise to try and counteract or prevent this unfortunate, potential side effect, but it's a very real possibility that I might wind up in a plastic surgeon's office at some point in the (nearish) future to talk about body and breast lifts. I'm not thrilled about it, in fact it kind of pisses me off, but the slight puckering of skin on my inner thighs or on my stomach and breasts serve as a constant reminder that that might be something that I'll feel compelled to look into at some point.
And yes, I realize that I just typed up a whole lot more stuff about the negatives than the positives. Unfortunately, I'm still at a point in this process where I see all the things that still need to be done. I'm more focused on how far I still have to go, instead of how far I've already come, which is a problem and one that I should probably work on.
Do I have any goals for next month? I've already met one of them way ahead of schedule, but other than that, it's really just going to be about continuing with what I'm currently doing. I'm going to continue with my workouts, I'm going to continue with my mostly healthy eating... The one thing that I need to be aware of, and this has been an issue since almost the very beginning of this journey, is my actual caloric intake. And it's not what you think. I don't really have the problem with eating too much or too often, at least not most of the time. No, I tend to either forget to eat (and yes, I have actually gone for 7-8 hours in between meals before it dawned on me that I should probably eat something again) or I just forgo food (be it because I'm simply not hungry or that I'm worried that I've eaten too much already or because I'm obviously a bit of a masochist and use abstinence from the various "joys" of life as a punishment/disciplinary device of sorts). Normally this doesn't faze me all too much mainly because this is what I'm used to. However, I have been told by one of my friends (repeatedly) that I might not be eating enough. I honestly don't know if this is true or not. To determine something like that, I would have to actually write down what I eat and how much, in addition to figuring out how many calories I actually need for my current physical state and activity level...and I'm just not quite ready for that. At some point, sure, it'll probably come to that. Until then, I'll just continue trying to listen to my own body and hopefully she'll know what she needs and when.
Since this has gotten way too long (again), I will end it here and maybe I'll get around to providing everyone (all of like the negative two of you reading) with more regular updates.
Take care! And remember, this is not meant to be a guide that you should model your own weight-loss efforts or life in general off of.
Wednesday, February 03, 2016
On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month One
Since it's been awhile, I should probably write something again. Granted, I've had ideas, but not quite enough energy or motivation to do so. However, I decided to set myself a firm(ish) deadline this time, so here's to hoping (yet again) that I can keep this up. What topic am I going to cover this time around? Will it be another depressing post? That we will have to see, now won't we?
So, considering that I had been neglecting my workouts for the past few months (as in from September to December) and my life in general was filled with more downs than ups (it still is, but that's besides the point for now), I ended the year feeling increasingly sad and fat and ugly and disgusted with myself. And yes, I know...there are going to be two major reactions to this statement: 1) "But why?! You're fine just the way you are! We love you!" And 2) "What's your problem? Why you gotta be so negative? I wake up every day and tell myself that it's going to be an awesome day, that my life is awesome, and that I'm awesome. And guess what? Everything IS awesome! Just be positive (like me)!" Thank you, I get it. Unfortunately, neither one of those is magically going to make me feel better. It's not like either one or both of those flips a switch in my brain and then all is well in my tiny, tiny universe.
However, this self-loathing did, and still does, provide me with enough motivation to start and continue exercising again. And I know...self-loathing isn't a good source of motivation in the long run...or at all, and it's certainly not something I would advise others to do, but I'm taking whatever help I can get at this point, even if it is negative and potentially detrimental to my own well-being. What can I say? It's both sadistic and overly masochistic of me. Now, some of you might be confused as to why I would even deem it necessary to exercise and lose weight. Some of you, for some inexplicable, bizarre reason, think that I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Some of you are fine with the excess curves because that just means that there's more of me to love and whatnot. And some of you don't seem to care either way because you like and love me for, imagine the horror, my personality. I just think that that's extremely easy to say when one doesn't have that issue oneself. I mean, you don't have to see me every day, be it nude or clothed, you don't see what I see. On the flipside, I don't see what other people see either, so I simply don't get it. In my own twisted little mind, I just think a slimmer, more toned figure will make my life easier...and I fully realize, how faulty and effed up that line of thought is. Maybe if I were to lose enough weight and be able to mold my body into a more visually pleasing shape, maybe if I can get the physical appearance of my body under control, everything will magically fall into place. Super effed up, I know.
And so, I started the partially grueling process of working out regularly (borderline excessively even) and doing my best to watch what I eat (this isn't just because of my weight though). I also would like to stress that just because I'm crazy and engage in borderline self-harming behavior, that I don't feel like everyone should follow in my footsteps. Quite on the contrary, all of my love and acceptance and positivity goes out to other people. I'm fine with you the way you are, unless you're an a-hole, and I would never ever want you to do what I do or be the way I am. Well, maybe be a little bit nicer to your fellow humans and animals, and a little less judgmental. Opinionated is fine, judgmental not so much. Yes, I know that that makes me a hypocrite and that I also have double standards (impossibly high ones for me and way more achievable ones for everyone else).
Anyways, since I've started exercising and watching my nutrition again, roughly a month has passed. So, what observations and progress have I made so far? Let me break them down into three parts...
The Good (for the sake of balance):
1. Increase in strength - I can hold planks longer and more easily. Various exercises and moves have become less difficult to complete.
2. More muscle definition - My thighs are firmer, and I can feel the increased muscle mass through the layers of fat. Related to this, is that I can actually feel more of my pelvis and ribs. And yes, I know it makes me sound even crazier, but I do like being able to feel those bones. I know some of you like Miss Bettina because she's so soft, but I would rather be slightly less soft. On the outside, at least.
3. Decrease in size - So far, the areas that have decreased the most have been the thighs (6 cm lost, or approximately 2.4 inches) and the chest area (also 6 cm/~2.4 inches). Granted, I could mourn the gradual loss of my ample bosom, but they are kind of out there. Besides, a) nobody's looking at or touching them anyways, so all of the fat in that area is essentially wasted on me, and b) even at my smallest size as a young adult, they were still more than big enough. So I think both I and all of mankind will survive this loss and live.
The Bad:
1. Injuries - Nothing bad has happened (yet), but I have fallen numerous times. Not to mention, the bruises on the knees and arms, the roughed up skin on my elbows and actually having to deal with achy joints and pinched nerves. In addition to this, I've also discovered the downside of burning off fat: One tends to hurt oneself more easily. For example, I've given myself several bruises on my thighs already because I've somehow managed to poke them a tiny bit too hard with my elbows. Or I've accidentally poked my ribs or pelvis too hard, but I actually find this "bad" to be a sign of something positive.
2. Excessive behavior - This pertains to me possibly exercising too much and occasionally eating too little. As my father told me not too long ago, I don't do moderation well. And it's true, I don't. If I'm going to work out, I'm going to work out as many days of the week/month/year as possible. If I'm going to restrict and police my food intake, I'm going to keep as tight of a leash as possible on it. I'm still trying to learn that rest days are as important as the active workout days. I'm trying to be okay with occasionally eating pizza or fries or something like that. Because I have worked out for almost two hours in one sitting. Because I have suffered from partial and temporary hearing loss due to having disrupted my blood flow with too much exercise or too rigorous a regimen. Because I have eaten so little on some days that I've been an emotional wreck, or more of one, than usual. Because I have also worked out so hard that I've made myself cry, I need to try to ease up just a tiny little bit.
The Frustrating:
1. Fluctuations - This refers to the method I use to numerically track my progress. For this, I measure various parts of my body once a week. Since I do this on my own, it is difficult to tell how accurate these actually are. While it seems that I've been getting smaller in general, I haven't been too happy with the progress in certain areas. As mentioned before, with the exception of this week, I've been losing consistently in the thigh and chest area. Whereas I still lost a cm around my thighs, my breasts gained back two. This doesn't necessarily bother me too much, at least not in that area, but I still had to remind myself that hormones and my monthly cycle will result in me gaining some weight temporarily and therefore also affect some of the measurements. The same thing happened to me in both the waist and the hip area the week leading up to my period. Despite working out roughly an hour a day for 5-6 days a week, I had somehow managed to gain 2-3 cm in each area. This might not make a huge difference to some, but to me that was quite a sizeable jump within the course of a week. I mean, why put in the work, only to see that one has started to expand again? And unlike the breasts, I do place a higher importance on becoming smaller in both the hip and waist. However, with hormones and water retention and various other factors like clothes, there are bound to be fluctuations in the numbers.
2. Rigidity - While my measurements have been showing me that I've been getting gradually smaller, the number on the scale has yet to move. Of course, this is probably largely due to the fact that I've been increasing muscle mass, and until I've lost a bigger amount of fat, I probably won't see my weight decrease. Oddly enough, this doesn't faze me all too much, but it would be nice to see the actual weight loss on the scale. Then again, I might be singing a different tune, if I actually had regular access to a scale.
3. Awareness of weaknesses - There is nothing more frustrating than looking at an exercise, thinking it looks easy, trying to do it...and failing miserably. I've discovered that I can't balance on my right leg for shit. It's true. For some messed up reason, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to balance on my right leg. And it kind of pisses me off. In general though, I tend to get incredibly mad at myself for not being able to do certain exercises. The first time I tried plank walkups, I could not push myself up and fell down...and then I got mad and cried. I'm still not that good at them, but the last time I did them, I could get through a whopping three before my body gave up. Pushups are another weakness of mine. Despite trying to grasp the mechanics of it, I can't complete one 100% properly. However, after watching a video on how to do a proper chaturanga, which is essentially yoga's version of a pushup, I was able to figure out what mistakes I've been making and have been trying to fix them ever since. For some reason, I'm also not that great at side planks, and let's not even start with some of the fancy variations they have of them. This might be more of a problem of me wearing socks when I work out though. If my feet suddenly slip because my socks aren't tight enough, I tend to lose all of the tension that I need for that move and then I wind up falling. I try to make up for this with modifications, but it still irks me.
As for this month, I should at least try to up my cardio since that's going to be key in burning more fat. Sure, some of the exercises I've been doing serve double duty as both strength training and cardio, but I don't feel like I'm doing enough of the latter. I haven't thought it through entirely yet, but I should at least try to aim for 3-4 cardio sessions per week. And of course, I'm still working on fine-tuning the food aspect. Now, as for whether my relationship to myself and my body will improve over time, that remains to be seen and isn't really something I'm focused on right now. I probably should be, but oh well.
Hopefully, I will have more to report on next month, and maybe my outlook and motivation will have changed slightly by then. So, until next time and take care of yourselves! Even if I'm not necessarily the best role model for self-love right now...
So, considering that I had been neglecting my workouts for the past few months (as in from September to December) and my life in general was filled with more downs than ups (it still is, but that's besides the point for now), I ended the year feeling increasingly sad and fat and ugly and disgusted with myself. And yes, I know...there are going to be two major reactions to this statement: 1) "But why?! You're fine just the way you are! We love you!" And 2) "What's your problem? Why you gotta be so negative? I wake up every day and tell myself that it's going to be an awesome day, that my life is awesome, and that I'm awesome. And guess what? Everything IS awesome! Just be positive (like me)!" Thank you, I get it. Unfortunately, neither one of those is magically going to make me feel better. It's not like either one or both of those flips a switch in my brain and then all is well in my tiny, tiny universe.
However, this self-loathing did, and still does, provide me with enough motivation to start and continue exercising again. And I know...self-loathing isn't a good source of motivation in the long run...or at all, and it's certainly not something I would advise others to do, but I'm taking whatever help I can get at this point, even if it is negative and potentially detrimental to my own well-being. What can I say? It's both sadistic and overly masochistic of me. Now, some of you might be confused as to why I would even deem it necessary to exercise and lose weight. Some of you, for some inexplicable, bizarre reason, think that I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Some of you are fine with the excess curves because that just means that there's more of me to love and whatnot. And some of you don't seem to care either way because you like and love me for, imagine the horror, my personality. I just think that that's extremely easy to say when one doesn't have that issue oneself. I mean, you don't have to see me every day, be it nude or clothed, you don't see what I see. On the flipside, I don't see what other people see either, so I simply don't get it. In my own twisted little mind, I just think a slimmer, more toned figure will make my life easier...and I fully realize, how faulty and effed up that line of thought is. Maybe if I were to lose enough weight and be able to mold my body into a more visually pleasing shape, maybe if I can get the physical appearance of my body under control, everything will magically fall into place. Super effed up, I know.
And so, I started the partially grueling process of working out regularly (borderline excessively even) and doing my best to watch what I eat (this isn't just because of my weight though). I also would like to stress that just because I'm crazy and engage in borderline self-harming behavior, that I don't feel like everyone should follow in my footsteps. Quite on the contrary, all of my love and acceptance and positivity goes out to other people. I'm fine with you the way you are, unless you're an a-hole, and I would never ever want you to do what I do or be the way I am. Well, maybe be a little bit nicer to your fellow humans and animals, and a little less judgmental. Opinionated is fine, judgmental not so much. Yes, I know that that makes me a hypocrite and that I also have double standards (impossibly high ones for me and way more achievable ones for everyone else).
Anyways, since I've started exercising and watching my nutrition again, roughly a month has passed. So, what observations and progress have I made so far? Let me break them down into three parts...
The Good (for the sake of balance):
1. Increase in strength - I can hold planks longer and more easily. Various exercises and moves have become less difficult to complete.
2. More muscle definition - My thighs are firmer, and I can feel the increased muscle mass through the layers of fat. Related to this, is that I can actually feel more of my pelvis and ribs. And yes, I know it makes me sound even crazier, but I do like being able to feel those bones. I know some of you like Miss Bettina because she's so soft, but I would rather be slightly less soft. On the outside, at least.
3. Decrease in size - So far, the areas that have decreased the most have been the thighs (6 cm lost, or approximately 2.4 inches) and the chest area (also 6 cm/~2.4 inches). Granted, I could mourn the gradual loss of my ample bosom, but they are kind of out there. Besides, a) nobody's looking at or touching them anyways, so all of the fat in that area is essentially wasted on me, and b) even at my smallest size as a young adult, they were still more than big enough. So I think both I and all of mankind will survive this loss and live.
The Bad:
1. Injuries - Nothing bad has happened (yet), but I have fallen numerous times. Not to mention, the bruises on the knees and arms, the roughed up skin on my elbows and actually having to deal with achy joints and pinched nerves. In addition to this, I've also discovered the downside of burning off fat: One tends to hurt oneself more easily. For example, I've given myself several bruises on my thighs already because I've somehow managed to poke them a tiny bit too hard with my elbows. Or I've accidentally poked my ribs or pelvis too hard, but I actually find this "bad" to be a sign of something positive.
2. Excessive behavior - This pertains to me possibly exercising too much and occasionally eating too little. As my father told me not too long ago, I don't do moderation well. And it's true, I don't. If I'm going to work out, I'm going to work out as many days of the week/month/year as possible. If I'm going to restrict and police my food intake, I'm going to keep as tight of a leash as possible on it. I'm still trying to learn that rest days are as important as the active workout days. I'm trying to be okay with occasionally eating pizza or fries or something like that. Because I have worked out for almost two hours in one sitting. Because I have suffered from partial and temporary hearing loss due to having disrupted my blood flow with too much exercise or too rigorous a regimen. Because I have eaten so little on some days that I've been an emotional wreck, or more of one, than usual. Because I have also worked out so hard that I've made myself cry, I need to try to ease up just a tiny little bit.
The Frustrating:
1. Fluctuations - This refers to the method I use to numerically track my progress. For this, I measure various parts of my body once a week. Since I do this on my own, it is difficult to tell how accurate these actually are. While it seems that I've been getting smaller in general, I haven't been too happy with the progress in certain areas. As mentioned before, with the exception of this week, I've been losing consistently in the thigh and chest area. Whereas I still lost a cm around my thighs, my breasts gained back two. This doesn't necessarily bother me too much, at least not in that area, but I still had to remind myself that hormones and my monthly cycle will result in me gaining some weight temporarily and therefore also affect some of the measurements. The same thing happened to me in both the waist and the hip area the week leading up to my period. Despite working out roughly an hour a day for 5-6 days a week, I had somehow managed to gain 2-3 cm in each area. This might not make a huge difference to some, but to me that was quite a sizeable jump within the course of a week. I mean, why put in the work, only to see that one has started to expand again? And unlike the breasts, I do place a higher importance on becoming smaller in both the hip and waist. However, with hormones and water retention and various other factors like clothes, there are bound to be fluctuations in the numbers.
2. Rigidity - While my measurements have been showing me that I've been getting gradually smaller, the number on the scale has yet to move. Of course, this is probably largely due to the fact that I've been increasing muscle mass, and until I've lost a bigger amount of fat, I probably won't see my weight decrease. Oddly enough, this doesn't faze me all too much, but it would be nice to see the actual weight loss on the scale. Then again, I might be singing a different tune, if I actually had regular access to a scale.
3. Awareness of weaknesses - There is nothing more frustrating than looking at an exercise, thinking it looks easy, trying to do it...and failing miserably. I've discovered that I can't balance on my right leg for shit. It's true. For some messed up reason, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to balance on my right leg. And it kind of pisses me off. In general though, I tend to get incredibly mad at myself for not being able to do certain exercises. The first time I tried plank walkups, I could not push myself up and fell down...and then I got mad and cried. I'm still not that good at them, but the last time I did them, I could get through a whopping three before my body gave up. Pushups are another weakness of mine. Despite trying to grasp the mechanics of it, I can't complete one 100% properly. However, after watching a video on how to do a proper chaturanga, which is essentially yoga's version of a pushup, I was able to figure out what mistakes I've been making and have been trying to fix them ever since. For some reason, I'm also not that great at side planks, and let's not even start with some of the fancy variations they have of them. This might be more of a problem of me wearing socks when I work out though. If my feet suddenly slip because my socks aren't tight enough, I tend to lose all of the tension that I need for that move and then I wind up falling. I try to make up for this with modifications, but it still irks me.
As for this month, I should at least try to up my cardio since that's going to be key in burning more fat. Sure, some of the exercises I've been doing serve double duty as both strength training and cardio, but I don't feel like I'm doing enough of the latter. I haven't thought it through entirely yet, but I should at least try to aim for 3-4 cardio sessions per week. And of course, I'm still working on fine-tuning the food aspect. Now, as for whether my relationship to myself and my body will improve over time, that remains to be seen and isn't really something I'm focused on right now. I probably should be, but oh well.
Hopefully, I will have more to report on next month, and maybe my outlook and motivation will have changed slightly by then. So, until next time and take care of yourselves! Even if I'm not necessarily the best role model for self-love right now...
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