Drowning in K-pop: Aug. 15th - 21st

Credit: kpopscene.com

A new week has started meaning that I get to look back at another week's worth of K-pop releases. However, since there are so many of them, maybe I should just whittle them down to the few that I deem to be particularly noteworthy...CL's Lifted not included. I'm sorry, but I just wasn't that into it. I like CL as part of the group 2NE1, but she just doesn't do it for me as a solo artist. Most of her solo releases have been more miss than hit for me. However, if you want to listen to a K-pop song that's completely in English or if you like the songs that are about getting one's drink or swag on, then you should absolutely look it up. And if you don't like that I'm not Team CL or that I don't want to suddenly get lifted with my shorties downing 40s, then go ahead and hate. It's like a wise woman once said: Ain't nobody got time for that!

Credit: starpolar.wikia.com

Anyway...if I'm not going to talk about possibly one of the most beloved comebacks of the past week, which I technically still did, then what songs made the cut?

1. BU - Heotdari



I'm actually not entirely sure how to transcribe the title, so I just went with what made the most sense to me, at least based off of what I've seen and what little I know of Korean. It's a very decent song and she does have a good voice. She kind of reminds me of Lee Hi, vocally speaking. Since she doesn't belong to one of the bigger companies, one can't really expect a super high quality or elaborate video. However, I still think they did a good job and it looks like they actually had fun, so that's always a plus. Besides, I appreciate the use of background dancers sporting some serious mermaid thighs. And yes, that was meant to be positive.

2. EXO - Lotto



Okay...yes...I do like this song. One moment you think you've outgrown boy bands and then they just manage to reel you in again...and again...and again... Granted, it's very heavy handed with the autotune, but that's intentional. Or at least I hope it is. I don't like this as much as Lucky One or Monster though because both of those were pretty great and catchy. That being said, I'm kind of amused by the baby baller/swag lite image that the group went for this time around.

3. BTS' Suga - Agust D/Give It To Me


Agust D (BTS) - Agust D [MV] von svaensk


Agust D (SUGA from BTS) - give it to me [MV] von svaensk

It's rare for me to immediately be swept off my feet when I listen to a song for the first time. However, Suga did do quite a good job with his mixtape. And yes, I did actually listen to all of it, and because I'm such an awesome person, I will also share the rest of the songs with you. To be completely honest, Agust D and Give It To Me aren't even really my favorite tracks off of the mixtape (mine are 724148, The Last and Tony Montana...my brother would be so proud...), but they're both still worth listening to. Especially if you're into rap or hip hop, which aren't usually my go-to genres, but oh well.




4. Beatburger - Vagabond



This is probably a bit more up my alley or at least closer to what I listen to when I'm out and about or working out. It's also not really what comes to mind initially, when one thinks about K-pop. I would say that the sound is in the same vein as music from The Prodigy.

5. IMGL - My World/Hey You





Again, not really the most representative song of K-pop, but oddly enough this is closer to what I listen to when I'm out amongst the people. As for a Euroamerican equivalent, I would say that these two songs are fairly reminiscent of someone like Adam Lambert...albeit with a slightly more narrow vocal range and less power.

And now you can all resume hating me for not liking CL's Lifted. Either that, or you can go back to feeling mostly indifferent about K-pop.      

B's Night at the Movies: Suicide Squad

Credit: youtube.com

Yes, I saw it, and yes, I am going write about it (and I'll try to keep it relatively brief...for my standards at least). But I promise to keep it as spoiler-free as possible. This is mostly going to be about my personal impressions anyway.
So, I watched this yesterday with one of my friends. And no, I don't mean a "friend," I mean an actual friend. And yes, I do have a couple of those, believe it or not.

My overall impression: I liked the movie and I am all for the Hollywood-powers-that-be to do the same thing with the DC Comic-verse that they've been doing with the Marvel adaptations for the past few years. Granted, I do prefer Marvel a tiny bit over DC, but who am I to say no to the cinematic version of any comic or graphic novel?

First off, here are a couple of things that I enjoyed the most:

1. Staying in the (comic) family - As I hope some of you know (otherwise this will be a spoiler), Will Smith stars as Deadshot in this movie. I personally find this to be funny because his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith is also a part of the DC family because she plays Fish Mooney in the TV series Gotham. Now, I'm not sure if they did this on purpose to mess with the fans, or if they both just really happen to love the DC comics. Or it really is just a coincidence. Either way, I got a good laugh out of it.

2. The soundtrack - If there are two things I love (and I said things, not people), they would be movies and music. And I think that music can make or break a movie, just like it can set the right tone for a series (e.g.: Supernatural). That being said, I thoroughly enjoyed the selection for Suicide Squad. The songs aren't all from one composer or from one decade or era, and yet they all kind of fit. We have Johnny Cash and Queen (and you all know which Queen song they picked, right?), then there was K7's Come Baby Come (which I love listening to to get my energy up or if I'm in the mood to be the teensiest bit reckless...healthy reckless, not regretful reckless), and of course Twenty One Pilots' Heathens (great song) along with my current anthem Sucker For Pain from Lil Wayne/Wiz Khalifa/Imagine Dragons.

On to a few notes of caution:

1. Affleck-man - Also known as the new Batman, who yes, makes a couple of guest appearances. Who do you think put away some of those bad guys? *sigh* I am not a fan. I am still not on board with Ben Affleck as Batman. But alas, I don't get a say in the matter, so I'll just have to...I don't know...wait him out? I guess... I mean, I really liked Bale as Batman...or Michael Keaton...or Adam West...or the boy playing Bruce Wayne before he even became the Caped Crusader on Gotham. (The actor's name is David Mazouz, by the way.) Can we get him to take over the role? You know what, I wouldn't be completely opposed to George Clooney and the nipples on the Batsuit making a comeback. Just not Affleck. Don't worry, I just have to work my way through the various stages of grief and then I should be good.

2. Abstain from comparing - I shouldn't even have to mention this, but...try not to compare this movie to Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy, or to the various DC series like Gotham or Arrow, or even to its Marvel counterpart. Because if you do, you might start to feel conflicted, which will inevitably lead to confusion and then to frustration and then to depression and then to anger and then to hate and then to the Dark Side. I'm kidding, but you really are better off just viewing this movie as its own entity. Even if it is supposed to be a part of a larger movie franchise...

In order to wrap things up, again, I did actually enjoy the movie. If you like the comic adaptations, if you're a fan of DC, if you like a good soundtrack or action movie, I would still watch it. I, for one, can't wait for the next one in the series to come out, which should be...Wonder Woman!!! (At least as far as I could tell.)

Drowning in K-pop: Aug. 8th-14th

Some of you might be surprised that I'm posting something about K-pop, but those of you who know a bit more about me might be aware that I contribute to a website about Korean music/TV/cinema/culture (you should be able to find the link in my links list on this blog). However, the question still remains: Why a post about K-pop on my personal blog of all things?

There are two answers to this: 1) Because I can discuss the newest releases in a way that I probably shouldn't on the other website, at least not without it being an op-ed piece. Besides, it's happened quite a bit that a new song has come out, but I don't notice it until a week later, at which point it's pretty useless to write about it. Those K-pop lovers are pretty much on it when it comes to release dates... And 2) Because up until the end of July, I had a standing lunch date with a friend every Monday and one of the topics that would inevitably come up would be the latest K-pop releases and what our personal thoughts on them were. Unfortunately, now that friend has left the country and probably won't be returning, that is if she can help it, so I am left alone with my opinions and nobody really to vent to. Outside of Facebook and a few very confused individuals in my inner circle, that is.

Of course, there's always answer No. 3, which is: Because I can and it's fun. 

I will try my best to include posts about music that isn't K-pop, but since I already wind up paying more attention to this type of music out of habit/"necessity" anyway, it's just easier for me to write about songs that belong to this category.

So, let's get started, shall we?

1. B.A.P - That's My Jam

One of my favorite K-pop boy bands and groups in general, B.A.P also seems to be one of the overall faves of K-pop fans worldwide. They have both plenty of talent and personality, so it's always interesting to see what they can come up with for each new song and album. That being said, That's My Jam is not my favorite song of the week. It's a great party song, there's a lot of great energy, I know I'll have no issues working out to it and I do thoroughly enjoy the video (I mean, they spoof everything from reality and talk shows to whole channels to their own music videos...), but unfortunately, it came out the same week as Black Pink's debut songs (which I will mention here in a bit), and I happened to like one of those a tiny bit more.

2 (and 3). Black Pink - Boombayah and Whistle

Boombayah:

BLACKPINK - BOOMBAYAH [MV] von svaensk

Whistle:

BLACKPINK - WHISTLE [MV] von svaensk

This has probably been one of the most highly anticipated debuts of the year...mainly because it's been several years in the making. I can't really say that I was too excited for this group though, but that's more than likely because way too many people were losing their isht over them. Now, before I move on to the videos (yeah, one song wasn't enough...they had to follow the trend of releasing multiple videos to multiple title songs), I'm just going to get something out of the way and the hardcore K-pop fans probably aren't going to like it: 2NE1 2.0. For those of you who don't get it, and nobody expects you to, 2NE1 is another group signed to the same company as Black Pink and up until May of this year, they also had four members. In addition to that, the sound is also kind of reminiscent of 2NE1. If you don't believe me, look up the mashup for Black Pink's Boombayah and 2NE1's Fire. There's a reason they go so well together. However, Black Pink, as pretty as they are, seem to have more uniform of a look than their seniors do. What I mean is, that the only one who, initially at least, really stands out is Lisa, visually speaking. Of course, those who are used to looking at these girls can tell them apart. The untrained eye would have a couple of issues figuring out who is who though. 2NE1, on the other hand, featured four uniquely different personalities and you could tell by looking at them. All points of comparison aside, I certainly wasn't mad at their debut. One can be as aggravated at YG Entertainment and its tendency to flake and procrastinate as one wants, but it did deliver in this case. Whereas Whistle delivered my favorite line of the week ("Make 'em whistle like a missile"), Boombayah has to be my favorite song of the week. And it also features the very relatable line "I don't want a boy, I need a man" because ain't that the friggin' truth.

4. I.O.I's subunit (oddly enough still called I.O.I because that's not confusing at all)- Whatta Man


I wanted to like this song and video more, I really did, but it kind of bothers me. The song is decent, I actually don't have any major complaints about the song itself. It samples Linda Lyndell's 1968 hit song (or if you're a bigger fan of 90s hip hop: Salt-n-Pepa's and En Vogue's cover version), which is what really drew me in, but the video...bothers me. First of all, the half-assed und mostly unnecessary hair flips. If your hair's up in a ponytail, you don't need to flip it! If you're already halfway across the room with your back turned to the intended target of your sassiness, no flipping of the hair! You missed your chance! And don't pick up your hair and then semi-listlessly drop it! But I can't really blame those girls, can I? The director probably wanted them to "switch it up" and "keep it fresh." Then, of course, there are the outfits and the dance. I appreciate that they tried to incorporate the Mr. Universe stance into the choreography, but what works for BTS (most of them at least) and their more pronounced biceps, doesn't really work for the slender arms of I.O.I. As for the outfits, the group's agency claimed that they had no idea why anyone would think that they were sexy. Well, umm, maybe it's because they stuck them in semi-tight leather outfits with some interesting harnessing details. Of course, it would be wrong to call the girls themselves sexy (even if I might have inadvertently done so in one of my articles...I know, I'm part of the problem, not the solution...I'm trying to work on it), especially considering that the face of the group (and yes, there is a face of the group...usually the most visually appealing one) is, as far as I know, still 15. Even if she isn't anymore, that would still only make her 16. So, to make a long story short, the song and concept probably weren't the best choices for the group. Sure, they have decent enough voices, but the song would have been a better fit for a group like Rainbow, whereas the concept is more up Nine Muses' alley.

5. INX - Alright


This isn't my favorite song. While I do appreciate seeing a man tied up and in a blindfold (oh what?! Are we really surprised by that statement?), and parts of it kinda sorta reminded me of MBLAQ's Smoky Girl, I wasn't really wowed by it. Maybe that's just because I'm comparing it to some of the other releases because it's certainly not a bad song. I'm just not as impressed by it comparatively speaking nor do I have that much to say about the group or the song and video (I know, you're all relieved by that).

6. J-MIN - Ready For Your Love


As some of you may already know, I am not the biggest fan of the slow jams. I have to be in a certain mood and in a certain setting for me to enjoy slower R&B songs or ballads of any type. However, I can still say that this is a good song and video. In terms of choreography, it's non-existent, which is always a nice change of pace for K-pop. And soundwise this reminds me of those pop songs from the early/mid 90s (you know, like Seal's Kiss From A Rose), which isn't actually a bad thing. J-MIN does have a beautiful voice after all. Even though it won't be a go-to song for one (or any) of my workouts, it is one of those songs that I enjoy singing along to or have playing in the background.

7. Jun.K - Think About You


Jun.K - Think About You MV [English subs... von LoveKpopSubs

ERMEHGERD!!! Look at Jun.K and those yummy abs of his!!! I'm kidding...mostly. Of course, the guy shows off his body and why shouldn't he? It's part of his job, after all. I mean...I'm not entirely sure if he actually gets paid to take off that very sensible cardigan of his, but he's selling a fantasy to all of da ladies while singing about how he thinks about them. It is quite the sexy song, and if you like R&B in general or the music from his probably more familiar contemporaries Drake or Usher, you'll probably enjoy Jun.K's music too.

8. MONSTA X - Stuck


If I were to sing a song about this song, I would call it Conflicted because that's how I feel about it. I like some parts of it, but then others not so much. Then again, I'm not really that into MONSTA X... In general though, I would say that this is still a fairly decent song. Even if the lyrics might come across as borderline stalkeriffic, but hey, no judgment on my part.     

9. Stellar - Love Spell


As much as I love Stellar and I want them to do well and I'm glad that they're slowly able to distance themselves from their sexy image, especially since it turns out they didn't necessarily want to be stuck with it to begin with, this is not really my favorite song of theirs. It's nice and sweet and I'm okay with having it play in the background or listening to it while enjoying the nice weather outside, it's not really at the top of my playlist.

10. Suran - Paradise Go


[MV] SURAN(수란) _ Paradise Go(떠날랏꼬) von suzu151091

Believe it or not, I am completely unfamiliar with this artist. (Say whaaat?!) Granted, I'm also completely unfamiliar with J-MIN, but at least I was aware of her existence. I had never even heard of Suran until I saw this video. This song follows another trend in K-pop: tropical house. It seems that every other song that has been released this summer has at the very least featured some elements of tropical house. Or maybe that's just my impression. However, I don't necessarily mind it and her voice actually is very well-suited to the genre.

11. UP10TION - Tonight


Oh UP10TION... Really? We went the cute route? I think it's fine, but it's not my favorite song of theirs. Actually, I've only really liked one of their songs so far... Okay, it's a fun and very lighthearted song...so again, something that I could only really listen to under very specific circumstances.

And finally 12. Y TEEN - Do Better


Y teen (MONSTA X) & (Cosmic Girls) - Do Better... von svaensk

Consisting of MONSTA X and part of Cosmic Girls, I did want to like this collaboration because I think it's great when K-pop goes co-ed. However, this wasn't really my cup of tea. Parts of it were promising, but most of it just was a bit too High School Musical for me. Then again, maybe MONSTA X is to blame...or maybe I should just start listening to more MONSTA X, maybe they'll grow on me, which would actually be fairly typical of K-pop...

Hopefully, this was at the very least mildly entertaining for you guys and maybe I can continue doing this if not on a weekly basis, maybe on a monthly basis, but with a slightly different format.     

Netflix and Chill with B: Orphan Black (Season Four)

Credit: bbcamerica.com

Despite this having aired on TV a couple of months ago, I just got around to watching season four of Orphan Black last week on Netflix. I know, for shame Miss Bettina...for shame. (And what about Game of Thrones? - It's on my list, for crying out loud! I'll let you know when I get around to it...)
Aside from this featuring my dream role - I mean, who wouldn't want to play their own personal version of "50 Shades of..." (as in, multiple versions of oneself...Red Room of Pain optional) - Orphan Black is one of those shows that I have to be in a very particular mood for. I can't be distracted by things like washing the dishes or cooking or cleaning or working on my thesis. I also can't watch it post-workout and post-workout-shower in the evening because, come 10 p.m., I start to become increasingly drowsy and only want to watch visual fluff that essentially serves as my personal white noise.

However, with episode titles like The Scandal of Altruism and The Antisocialism of Sex, the series has already got my full attention. That is, when I'm not drifting off to sleep or have to take care of my other obligations. It's called life, people. I can't just sit around bingeing to death on Netflix shows. That would drive me crazy after a while. Or I might actually die due to neglecting my other needs...
While I would like to say that season four is when the isht really hits the fan, I think that's what half of the series is about, isn't it? You think that these clone sisters or "sestras" will finally find the solution to all of their problems and that some kind of natural order (whatever, that may be) will be restored, only to have it all go to hell in a handbasket within a matter of half an episode. And then the cycle repeats itself ad infinitum.

Of course, we have the Umbrella Corp...uhh, I mean Neolution to thank for this ginormous mess. Let's face it, and I'm sure plenty of other people have already come up with this comparison, Neolution might as well be Umbrella Corporation. Orphan Black might as well be the TV version of Resident Evil, just without the zombies and with slightly more sex. No joke, Evie Cho in the ad for the fertility clinic could have just as easily replaced that one faceless chick in the cosmetics ad for the Umbrella Corporation (was that for Apocalypse or Evolution though...?).

As much as I appreciate the similarities between the two conglomerates of evil, and of course the featuring of a May-December relationship between an older woman and a younger man, I'm not entirely sure I'm okay with the direction that the show is going in. In fact, I'm not even sure I know which direction the show is going in. However, I also think that that's intentional on the show's part. I don't think that they want the viewers to know what will happen next or what it all means. Part of the fun is to just enjoy the ride...and then get irritated and yell at your laptop because something else went horribly wrong.

Also, I still think that there might be something seriously messed up with Kira. She was just out of it for most of the season and I almost thought she was going to pull a Haley Joel Osment on me or suddenly stab someone in a few of the scenes. Then again, she is a girl who has (yet again) been pulled away from a stable home and family life, so she's bound to be fed up and borderline traumatized by the whole situation.

Favorite clone: That's a really tough decision because they all kind of have their merits, even Crystal and Helena. However, I would probably have to go with Cosima. She's just incredibly sweet and smart with her very own unique moral compass (and she has those cool dreadlocks), so yeah, I would definitely go with Cosima.

Rating: If I had to give the show, or this season in particular, any type of rating (not that it really matters in the grand scheme of things, but it's fun to think about), I would probably give it a 9 out of 10. Like I said, I'm not sure I'm okay with the direction the series is taking because it seems like it's drifting farther away from the science side of sci-fi and entering the realm of the fantastical and outright bizarre. However, the series as a whole is pretty great and probably deserves a 10.
 

On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Seven (Next Station: Stagnation?)

Yes, I know... I haven't posted in over two months (with the exception of last night's little writing exercise) and it's technically month eight, but considering that this is more of a retrospective, let's just not question it, okay? 

Now, as with all of these entries (or pretty much anything I write), this isn't meant as something you should model your life after. Just because something does or does not work for me, that doesn't mean that the same applies to you. If you're looking to lose weight or tone up or maintain weight, it's important to figure out what works or doesn't work for you. Besides, I can't necessarily claim to have always gone about this journey in the best way possible. 

With 5-15 kg/11-33 lbs left until I reach my goal weight range, which I still refuse to disclose openly on my blog, it seems that my body has decided to step on the brakes ever so slightly. Yes people, we are nearing the land of Stagnation. Just in case you've never been, it's a magical place that manages to lure in plenty of visitors right before they reach their desired destination. Unfortunately, it is also a place that is easy to get lost in and, in many cases, people simply lose hope and return to their point of departure or to places that are even farther away. If you belong to the group of people who have never had to pass through Stagnation or whose route took them nowhere near it, lucky you, this clearly isn't meant for you. 

I, however, have been mentally and emotionally preparing for this moment ever since I started this journey. And before you get all uppity and say "Bettina, why do you always to be so pessimistic?!" I want you think about this for just a second...or five: The more you weigh, the more calories you need, the more calories you burn just by existing. Now, when you start to lose weight, your body naturally doesn't need as much fuel, meaning it will start to use less fuel. Unless I decide to introduce bigger changes into my nutrition and exercise program, unless I find ways to increase my muscle mass, my body's going to become complacent. For a while at least. It's essentially like nearing a black hole. We all want to know what's on the other side of one, but since we don't even know if there is an "other side," we prefer to stay at a very comfy distance from it. I'm not entirely sure that that analogy made sense, but it did in my head, so I'm going with it. And no, I'm not saying we should try to send people through black holes Hunger Games-style. Through luck of the draw or winning the lottery. 

So no, preparing for my weight to come to a halt isn't me being pessimistic, it's me being realistic. The odds, one might say, are not necessarily in my favor. In fact, I'm surprised that I made it this far as quickly as I did. I barely lost anything during the first month, I've had to (and still have to) deal with several health issues along the way, both expected (Hashimoto's thyroiditis) and unexpected (elevated uric acid levels which could and actually still might lead to gout), so even if I do hit my very own metaphorical wall, I already have plenty to be proud of. 

Will I still get frustrated when, or if, it happens? Of course! I would dare say that the closer I get to my goal weight, the more frustrated I'm going to be. Will I get mad? Ehh...probably. Will I give up? No. I haven't come this far and accomplished so much to just throw in the towel when the going gets tough because, let's face it, the going is pretty much always tough. I've shed so much blood, sweat and tears (and I mean that literally) that I refuse to let that wall stop me. I will find a way over, around or even through it, even it means putting in 3/6/9/12+ months of hard work with little to no results. 

Giving up is rarely an option for me. In pretty much all areas of life. Sure, sometimes I have to cut my losses or be a bit creative with my approach or even come up with plans B/C/D/E/etc., but as long as I haven't tried or done the best I can, I refuse to surrender. What an uplifting ending to this entry, right? I just made it sound like I'm going to war or something else similarly epic, which might actually be true on some level... 

Thank you for reading (to those of you who do actually stumble across these entries) and hopefully, I can finally get my act together and post more regularly! And take care on your own personal journeys!       

Harassment Season (aka Are Trains the New Disco?)

"Sorry, I don't mean to bother you. I'm just so happy! It's the weekend!! hahaha What?! We're still in the boonies?! hahaha" 

I honestly couldn't tell whether or not the guy was drunk, high or had simply spent too much time in the sun. But, and maybe this is just me, if you're invading someone's personal space with your dancing, opening a 40 right next to them, singing out loud and trying to stare them into submission, you clearly are looking to bother someone. Then again, what do I know about train decorum. I'm not Miss Manners and maybe he just received the best news ever, but I was just looking to get from point A to point B in peace and quiet. Who knows, maybe I just missed the memo that trains had become the new disco and was actually missing out on all the fun... 

And so I tried my best to ignore him. I didn't want to give him any reason to think that I was even remotely interested in his attempts at peacocking. I didn't respond to him, I tried to move as far away from him as possible and used up most of my energy to not give in to his stares. Despite not looking at him directly, I could tell that he was starting to get frustrated with the lack of reciprocation. "Just stay strong. Don't even try to sneak a peek at him. You're almost there... Why is the train moving so slowly?" Bizarrely enough, repeating these phrases almost sent me into a meditative state. However, I also couldn't wait to put as much space between him and me as possible. 

I've never been a fan of boisterous men...or women for that matter. While some people might think they're the life of the party, I just find them to be exhausting and annoying. Could I have my loud moments? Sure, but I usually only enjoyed those in the company of a trusted few and usually only in the privacy of someone's home. To me, there was simply a way one could act at home and a way one should act in public...which probably also explains why I barely have any friends. I couldn't help but think "Maybe people like to be annoyed... Maybe they like having someone completely disregard their boundaries..." 

Only a couple more minutes and then I would be free. Free from the confines of this train, free to breathe in fresh air...free from this dude's invasive stare... What did he want from me? What was he trying to accomplish? 

If only this were a one time thing, I could chalk it up as a freak accident. However, this wasn't the first time nor would it be the last time either. I had caught more than a few men staring over the past few days. Unfortunately, it was something that happened every so often and despite having had to deal with it for the past two decades, it still struck me as incredibly irritating and unnerving. I just wasn't sure why they were staring and what they were thinking. Did I even want to know? Probably not. Oddly enough, the increase in stares just so happened to line up with that time of the month. No, not THAT time. The time that happens two weeks before that. 

It made sense, hormonally speaking, that men would respond more favorably to a woman at her most fertile. On the downside, the responses were usually unsolicited and I still hadn't learned to tune them out. Would I ever be able to? Was it even my responsibility to learn how to tune them out?

Finally...the train has stopped...and I am facing the wrong side... I could always just use the excuse that I meant to look out this way, just in case anyone asked. Nobody would, but it's always good to be prepared. Okay, I'm almost outsi...what was that? Did someone just place a hand on my back? Of course...it has to be him. Of all the people in this universe, he has to be the one to touch me. 

What is he trying to do?! Guide me out of the train to my safety? Does he think I'm drunk because I was facing the wrong way? Or that I'm incapable of walking? Or navigating through a crowd of people? He better not move his hand further south... 

"Just move. Just move as quickly away as possible..." Thank you. Fresh air, room to move, no more unwanted hands on my back... Is he still behind me? Oh good...he just moved past me. Finally...a sense of relief... Maybe he has to get to his next moving disco... Now...if only I could locate my friend...     

On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Five

Yes, I know... I've been falling into old habits, at least when it comes to my writing. However, considering that I rarely have anything super exciting or pleasant to write about, I usually choose to abstain from it altogether.
Before I proceed, just a quick disclaimer: Just because something works for me (or just because I do things a certain way), in the areas of nutrition and fitness in this case, that does NOT mean that it will or even necessarily should work for you. I'm not saying that what I'm doing is the only or even the right way. This is just me processing my experience and passing along my thoughts and feelings. Are we all good? Yeah? Okay, let's move on then.
The last time I wrote was at the end of month one of my little journey, and I was a bit of a wreck. My whole January was just one big vortex of suckitude, and even though things have gotten better, I still have my ups and downs. That being said, I am still working out regularly and trying to eat as healthily as possible. So, those are the two major positives.
Since then, so in the past 3-4 months, I've lost roughly 20 kg (or 44 lbs for those of you who still haven't jumped on the metric bandwagon) and 92.5 cm (or approximately 36.4 inches) of my total body mass. My body feels somewhat firmer in places, I feel stronger, and my clothes fit better (well, they "fit better" in the sense that a lot of them are now borderline threatening to drown me, so a thorough closet cleanse followed by, and I shudder at the thought, a shopping spree are probably in order).
Of course, not all is well in the 'verse. Try as I might, I still can barely balance on my right leg, so any single-legged exercises (and I'm including lunges in this category) not only take longer to complete, they also usually involve quite a bit of stumbling or having to hold onto a door or chair. Despite getting stronger, losing fat and gaining muscle mass, I'm not quite as flexible or strong as I could or would like to be. You know those bridge poses that seem to be standard practice for yoga? Yeah...I still can't get my shoulders or even my head up off the floor. So those are certainly points of frustration for me. As for my physical appearance, I can't say that I've yet reached a point where I'm super thrilled about it. I do appreciate being able to see (and feel) my ab muscles more. Granted, I may never be able to take pride in being able to show off my own hand-chiseled six-pack, but it seems like I at the very least have the potential of developing my own two-pack (not to be confused with the late Tupac...RIP). Now, as hot and impressive as that might sound, the fact that I still have two fairly sizeable fat folds hanging off of my abs and that there are stretch marks that run up and down my torso definitely take away from that image of potential sexiness and strength (unless you're into that type of thing...I don't know what you people like). In addition to that, I'm trying to mentally prepare for the joy that is loose skin. Sure, I haven't reached my goal weight yet, nor have I even done everything in my power fitness-wise to try and counteract or prevent this unfortunate, potential side effect, but it's a very real possibility that I might wind up in a plastic surgeon's office at some point in the (nearish) future to talk about body and breast lifts. I'm not thrilled about it, in fact it kind of pisses me off, but the slight puckering of skin on my inner thighs or on my stomach and breasts serve as a constant reminder that that might be something that I'll feel compelled to look into at some point.
And yes, I realize that I just typed up a whole lot more stuff about the negatives than the positives. Unfortunately, I'm still at a point in this process where I see all the things that still need to be done. I'm more focused on how far I still have to go, instead of how far I've already come, which is a problem and one that I should probably work on.
Do I have any goals for next month? I've already met one of them way ahead of schedule, but other than that, it's really just going to be about continuing with what I'm currently doing. I'm going to continue with my workouts, I'm going to continue with my mostly healthy eating... The one thing that I need to be aware of, and this has been an issue since almost the very beginning of this journey, is my actual caloric intake. And it's not what you think. I don't really have the problem with eating too much or too often, at least not most of the time. No, I tend to either forget to eat (and yes, I have actually gone for 7-8 hours in between meals before it dawned on me that I should probably eat something again) or I just forgo food (be it because I'm simply not hungry or that I'm worried that I've eaten too much already or because I'm obviously a bit of a masochist and use abstinence from the various "joys" of life as a punishment/disciplinary device of sorts). Normally this doesn't faze me all too much mainly because this is what I'm used to. However, I have been told by one of my friends (repeatedly) that I might not be eating enough. I honestly don't know if this is true or not. To determine something like that, I would have to actually write down what I eat and how much, in addition to figuring out how many calories I actually need for my current physical state and activity level...and I'm just not quite ready for that. At some point, sure, it'll probably come to that. Until then, I'll just continue trying to listen to my own body and hopefully she'll know what she needs and when.
Since this has gotten way too long (again), I will end it here and maybe I'll get around to providing everyone (all of like the negative two of you reading) with more regular updates.
Take care! And remember, this is not meant to be a guide that you should model your own weight-loss efforts or life in general off of.  

On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month One

Since it's been awhile, I should probably write something again. Granted, I've had ideas, but not quite enough energy or motivation to do so. However, I decided to set myself a firm(ish) deadline this time, so here's to hoping (yet again) that I can keep this up. What topic am I going to cover this time around? Will it be another depressing post? That we will have to see, now won't we?
So, considering that I had been neglecting my workouts for the past few months (as in from September to December) and my life in general was filled with more downs than ups (it still is, but that's besides the point for now), I ended the year feeling increasingly sad and fat and ugly and disgusted with myself. And yes, I know...there are going to be two major reactions to this statement: 1) "But why?! You're fine just the way you are! We love you!" And 2) "What's your problem? Why you gotta be so negative? I wake up every day and tell myself that it's going to be an awesome day, that my life is awesome, and that I'm awesome. And guess what? Everything IS awesome! Just be positive (like me)!" Thank you, I get it. Unfortunately, neither one of those is magically going to make me feel better. It's not like either one or both of those flips a switch in my brain and then all is well in my tiny, tiny universe.
However, this self-loathing did, and still does, provide me with enough motivation to start and continue exercising again. And I know...self-loathing isn't a good source of motivation in the long run...or at all, and it's certainly not something I would advise others to do, but I'm taking whatever help I can get at this point, even if it is negative and potentially detrimental to my own well-being. What can I say? It's both sadistic and overly masochistic of me. Now, some of you might be confused as to why I would even deem it necessary to exercise and lose weight. Some of you, for some inexplicable, bizarre reason, think that I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Some of you are fine with the excess curves because that just means that there's more of me to love and whatnot. And some of you don't seem to care either way because you like and love me for, imagine the horror, my personality. I just think that that's extremely easy to say when one doesn't have that issue oneself. I mean, you don't have to see me every day, be it nude or clothed, you don't see what I see. On the flipside, I don't see what other people see either, so I simply don't get it. In my own twisted little mind, I just think a slimmer, more toned figure will make my life easier...and I fully realize, how faulty and effed up that line of thought is. Maybe if I were to lose enough weight and be able to mold my body into a more visually pleasing shape, maybe if I can get the physical appearance of my body under control, everything will magically fall into place. Super effed up, I know.
And so, I started the partially grueling process of working out regularly (borderline excessively even) and doing my best to watch what I eat (this isn't just because of my weight though). I also would like to stress that just because I'm crazy and engage in borderline self-harming behavior, that I don't feel like everyone should follow in my footsteps. Quite on the contrary, all of my love and acceptance and positivity goes out to other people. I'm fine with you the way you are, unless you're an a-hole, and I would never ever want you to do what I do or be the way I am. Well, maybe be a little bit nicer to your fellow humans and animals, and a little less judgmental. Opinionated is fine, judgmental not so much. Yes, I know that that makes me a hypocrite and that I also have double standards (impossibly high ones for me and way more achievable ones for everyone else).
Anyways, since I've started exercising and watching my nutrition again, roughly a month has passed. So, what observations and progress have I made so far? Let me break them down into three parts...

The Good (for the sake of balance):
1. Increase in strength - I can hold planks longer and more easily. Various exercises and moves have become less difficult to complete.
2. More muscle definition - My thighs are firmer, and I can feel the increased muscle mass through the layers of fat. Related to this, is that I can actually feel more of my pelvis and ribs. And yes, I know it makes me sound even crazier, but I do like being able to feel those bones. I know some of you like Miss Bettina because she's so soft, but I would rather be slightly less soft. On the outside, at least.
3. Decrease in size - So far, the areas that have decreased the most have been the thighs (6 cm lost, or approximately 2.4 inches) and the chest area (also 6 cm/~2.4 inches). Granted, I could mourn the gradual loss of my ample bosom, but they are kind of out there. Besides, a) nobody's looking at or touching them anyways, so all of the fat in that area is essentially wasted on me, and b) even at my smallest size as a young adult, they were still more than big enough. So I think both I and all of mankind will survive this loss and live.

The Bad:
1. Injuries - Nothing bad has happened (yet), but I have fallen numerous times. Not to mention, the bruises on the knees and arms, the roughed up skin on my elbows and actually having to deal with achy joints and pinched nerves. In addition to this, I've also discovered the downside of burning off fat: One tends to hurt oneself more easily. For example, I've given myself several bruises on my thighs already because I've somehow managed to poke them a tiny bit too hard with my elbows. Or I've accidentally poked my ribs or pelvis too hard, but I actually find this "bad" to be a sign of something positive.
2. Excessive behavior - This pertains to me possibly exercising too much and occasionally eating too little. As my father told me not too long ago, I don't do moderation well. And it's true, I don't. If I'm going to work out, I'm going to work out as many days of the week/month/year as possible. If I'm going to restrict and police my food intake, I'm going to keep as tight of a leash as possible on it. I'm still trying to learn that rest days are as important as the active workout days. I'm trying to be okay with occasionally eating pizza or fries or something like that. Because I have worked out for almost two hours in one sitting. Because I have suffered from partial and temporary hearing loss due to having disrupted my blood flow with too much exercise or too rigorous a regimen. Because I have eaten so little on some days that I've been an emotional wreck, or more of one, than usual. Because I have also worked out so hard that I've made myself cry, I need to try to ease up just a tiny little bit.

The Frustrating:
1. Fluctuations - This refers to the method I use to numerically track my progress. For this, I measure various parts of my body once a week. Since I do this on my own, it is difficult to tell how accurate these actually are. While it seems that I've been getting smaller in general, I haven't been too happy with the progress in certain areas. As mentioned before, with the exception of this week, I've been losing consistently in the thigh and chest area. Whereas I still lost a cm around my thighs, my breasts gained back two. This doesn't necessarily bother me too much, at least not in that area, but I still had to remind myself that hormones and my monthly cycle will result in me gaining some weight temporarily and therefore also affect some of the measurements. The same thing happened to me in both the waist and the hip area the week leading up to my period. Despite working out roughly an hour a day for 5-6 days a week, I had somehow managed to gain 2-3 cm in each area. This might not make a huge difference to some, but to me that was quite a sizeable jump within the course of a week. I mean, why put in the work, only to see that one has started to expand again? And unlike the breasts, I do place a higher importance on becoming smaller in both the hip and waist. However, with hormones and water retention and various other factors like clothes, there are bound to be fluctuations in the numbers.
2. Rigidity - While my measurements have been showing me that I've been getting gradually smaller, the number on the scale has yet to move. Of course, this is probably largely due to the fact that I've been increasing muscle mass, and until I've lost a bigger amount of fat, I probably won't see my weight decrease. Oddly enough, this doesn't faze me all too much, but it would be nice to see the actual weight loss on the scale. Then again, I might be singing a different tune, if I actually had regular access to a scale.
3. Awareness of weaknesses - There is nothing more frustrating than looking at an exercise, thinking it looks easy, trying to do it...and failing miserably. I've discovered that I can't balance on my right leg for shit. It's true. For some messed up reason, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to balance on my right leg. And it kind of pisses me off. In general though, I tend to get incredibly mad at myself for not being able to do certain exercises. The first time I tried plank walkups, I could not push myself up and fell down...and then I got mad and cried. I'm still not that good at them, but the last time I did them, I could get through a whopping three before my body gave up. Pushups are another weakness of mine. Despite trying to grasp the mechanics of it, I can't complete one 100% properly. However, after watching a video on how to do a proper chaturanga, which is essentially yoga's version of a pushup, I was able to figure out what mistakes I've been making and have been trying to fix them ever since. For some reason, I'm also not that great at side planks, and let's not even start with some of the fancy variations they have of them. This might be more of a problem of me wearing socks when I work out though. If my feet suddenly slip because my socks aren't tight enough, I tend to lose all of the tension that I need for that move and then I wind up falling. I try to make up for this with modifications, but it still irks me.

As for this month, I should at least try to up my cardio since that's going to be key in burning more fat. Sure, some of the exercises I've been doing serve double duty as both strength training and cardio, but I don't feel like I'm doing enough of the latter. I haven't thought it through entirely yet, but I should at least try to aim for 3-4 cardio sessions per week. And of course, I'm still working on fine-tuning the food aspect. Now, as for whether my relationship to myself and my body will improve over time, that remains to be seen and isn't really something I'm focused on right now. I probably should be, but oh well.
Hopefully, I will have more to report on next month, and maybe my outlook and motivation will have changed slightly by then. So, until next time and take care of yourselves! Even if I'm not necessarily the best role model for self-love right now...              

Lonely Nights on the Town - Episode One

Okay, technically this should be episode two, but since the first solo excursion wasn't actually planned, I'm not going to count it. Also, I'm not entirely sure I would actually advise going out by oneself unless you're fairly certain that you're going to run into friends or people who you kinda sorta get along with.
The main reason for this is that I don't find these solo outings to be all that fun. I can handle going to the movies by myself because I'm there to watch a movie, and hence not really there to meet anyone or socialize. But even in that scenario, I'm usually the only single dumbass in the theater, so yay me. And I'm not writing this for the pity ("Awww...that's sooo sad... You poor lonely f***. Don't you have any friends? A boyfriend? A girlfriend? We won't judge...lol...j/k..."), or to be applauded for my "bravery" ("Brava! I could never do what you do, you brave, brave soul. You must be super confident! You went out and willingly surrounded yourself with hot, skinny chicks and happy couples who just can't keep their hands and lips off of each other. Sooo brave!"). Yeah, I get it. I'm a friggin' role model and saint over here. Real groundbreaking stuff I'm doing. Changing the world by planting my derriere in a different club or bar once every two weeks and downing one cocktail after another. No, this is just mainly a way for me to process these types of experiences, maybe someone else out there can identify with this (and of course, one/some/all of the other entries), and who knows, it might be somewhat entertaining to some of you (even though this really isn't a super funny story...sorry...I was going to go to a sex convention last month, and as entertaining and interesting as that potentially could have been, I just couldn't find the motivation to do it). And if you wind up pitying or admiring me, that's fine (I guess), but that's not really the main goal of this entry.
Anyways, this was actually supposed to be posted last weekend, but then I just didn't get around to it. Or maybe I was just too lazy...I don't really remember anymore. So, what exactly does a lone wolf do on a Friday night? Well, for starters, she goes to a street food event that is being held right outside of a night club. This part was fairly easy because there weren't really any people out there that night. As it turns out, very few enjoy eating street food outside in late November when it's cold and raining. Obviously, I do. Unfortunately, I wasn't too thrilled with the selection available and I had other plans and I wasn't even really hungry, but if you're planning on boozing it up later on, even if you're more voluptuous like I am, you still need something to help delay the absorption of all that alcohol that you're planning on consuming. Sooo, tacos and fried ice cream it was for me. While both were good, the tacos weren't necessarily the wisest choice since they served them with red onions and I could smell those on my fingers for hours and multiple hand washes after the fact. In addition to that, I had my first cocktail of the night, which was good, but clearly not strong enough because I pretty much downed it in five minutes at the most. In fact, I had to pace myself...which is probably one of the reasons why I should always go out with at least one other person. If I have a distraction, I won't drink as quickly, which is somewhat weird because people usually complain that I eat and drink way too slowly. It's true. Ask anyone who has had the pleasure of eating/drinking in my presence. And don't say, "Well, that's a good thing. You'll eat less because your body will realize it's full before you overeat, so you'll gain less weight." Soooo, my slow eating is preventing me from being fat? Oh wait... But the drink was delicious and as tempted as I was to try another one called "69," which just has my name all over it...what?! I'm a Cancer, 69 is the sign of the crab! How believable is that excuse?...I did want to make it to the downtown area in time for ladies' night. Unfortunately, it dawned on me that standing in the dark...by myself...next to the abandoned brothel...while waiting for the bus was both kind of funny and not very smart. Oh well, life is risk, right? hehehe... (I'm kidding...I would not advise for a single female to be standing alone in the dark next to a brothel, abandoned or not. I do it because it's me. And I realize that that's an unsatisfactory explanation.)
As for ladies' night, I was expecting there to be a line standing out the door waiting to be let in at that particular bar/restaurant/club, only to discover that I was one of the few schmucks to show up on time (on time = 10 p.m.). Okay, now what?! Was that a rookie move on my part?! I don't get out much, okay?! Nobody teaches you this shit! *ahem* Where was I? Oh yeah...a singleton at ladies' night. (I'm not sure I can use that word quite like that, but it is still very appropriate...and some of you will get why.) I was a bit surprised and intrigued by this fairly sizeable group of goths in front of me, and was kind of hoping that they were all going to the club to drink and dance too, but they really only wanted to sit down and eat burgers, which was disappointing... It also seemed that not only did people not want to party when the event started, but that the club itself wasn't even ready for potential partiers at 10. Because it's just not cool or sexy to be on time, I guess. Befitting the theme of ladies' night, they had pink lights that threw images of pink kitties (do I really have to explain the choice of cats?) up on the wall and a disco ball and last year's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show playing on a big screen. Of course, seeing a group of the most attractive and svelte women in the universe on repeat several times throughout the night did wonders for my self-esteem... *tugs on sweater* I mean, I do kinda sorta like the show, but I also don't at the same time. I'm a very confused individual, I know. Since I was one of the first women to show up (who are we kidding? I was THE first one there...loser...), I got a free welcome drink...which was so sugary, it actually gave me cramps. Super sexy... Now, I'm guessing that that's because the considerate organizers were doing us chicks a favor by mixing in some type of super artificially sweet diet soda so that we could control the amount of empty calories that we would wind up inhaling over the course of the night. I don't know why because I ordered a vodka and coke before I was even done with that cocktail. As for the music, it was pretty good (at least in the beginning) and it certainly helped that the DJ was fairly easy on the eyes, not that you could really see that much of him. And no, I wasn't interested in him. Knowing my luck he would've wound up being only 21 or something like that, which is adorable, but most people that age still have quite a bit of maturing to do. But it was smart to hire a fairly attractive male DJ for a ladies' night, even though one could also argue the point of hiring a female one as well.
Even though I wasn't on the verge of tears (like I had been during a previous lonesome night out on the town), I was hyperaware of my outsider status. There was one other person who was alone - a middle-aged guy who was drinking a beer - but I think he really just wanted to be by himself and promptly left after more people showed up. Other than that, I was the only person who was stupid enough to be out by herself. There were a lot of women who showed up in pairs of two, some in groups of three and more, there were of course the friends/groupies of the DJ, the couples, and female-male-female threesomes (don't get too excited, the guys in those types of groupings weren't really digging the whole "ladies" part of the ladies' night). The most noteworthy and bizarre group I saw was one that I'll just call the patchwork gang. This was probably the biggest gathering of people, but they were also very random. What makes me say this? Well, because there was no more or less uniform dress code. If you hadn't seen them slowly assemble bit by bit, you wouldn't have been able to tell that they all knew each other. They all seemed to surround this one young woman who was dressed like she just got back from a friggin' movie premiere and wasn't able to change out of her evening gown. Or maybe she simply thought she was attending the Vanity Fair Oscars afterparty. And I know that the Oscars aren't until the beginning of next year, I'm just trying to paint a picture, okay? She was there with two other women and one man who appeared to have just returned from an insurance convention since they were all dressed in black office attire. Maybe they were Miss Hayworth's assistants? (I'm kidding...I like Rita Hayworth, but her styling was vaguely reminiscent of that era.) In addition to that, there was a guy who initially looked like he was one of the servers because he was dressed in a simple black sweater and pants, but considering how much time he spent with that group, I wound up thinking that he was a personal bodyguard...until he kissed the chick in the eveningwear. Granted, he could still be the bodyguard or driver or both (or maybe even a gigolo, I don't know), and maybe she was fulfilling a sexual fantasy of being Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard. I'm not judging, I'm just guessing and trying to make sense out of the whole situation. More than likely, he's probably just the boyfriend (/bodyguard/driver/bouncer/etc.). And as if that weren't bizarre enough, they were all later joined by a group of frat boys. I don't know how they all know each other or if they just wound up being stuck to each other on the way to da club like a bunch of magnets, but it was really one of the most bizarre groupings I have ever seen in my life.
Of course, the other people there would probably say the same about me. Yes, that I'm one of the most bizarre groupings (of atoms) they have ever seen in their lives... It does seem that at least in a university town like Heidelberg, you just don't see a woman (or anyone for that matter, unless you're a middle-aged guy heading to the bar after work) going out by themselves. Therefore, I was stared at a lot...and not in an "Oh my gosh...I'm super intrigued, let me get to know you"-way either. It was more in a "Did you get lost?/Dafuq are you doing here?/Didn't we kill all of your kind?"-way. I mean, look people. Not all of us are so lucky that we have friends who are always available, some of them have families of their own, some of them have partners to sleep with, others live too far away. Not all of us are lucky enough to have someone in our lives who's so willing to f*** us that he'll let us schlepp him to friggin' ladies' night. Not all of us have been blessed with hot bods and gorgeous faces that have men falling all over themselves to wife us up before someone else does, but we still want to be able to have a tiny bit of fun and be able to say that for once we didn't get wasted in the privacy of our own homes because that suddenly makes everyone think you're a budding alcoholic. (It's a joke...I can't afford to get wasted all the time, not even in the privacy of my own apartment. It's too expensive and too many calories. I don't need to wake up and walk around with bloated hamster face every single day. Only hamsters look cute with hamster face. Fine...some people look cute with hamster face too.) So, if everyone could do people like me a kindness and not stare and then whisper and giggle about us with your friends or partners/bed buddies, that would be great. You can give me a quick once-over, but unless you're planning on striking up a conversation with me, just don't stare. Not only is it rude and potentially hurtful and threatening, I'm doing my darndest to not make you feel uncomfortable or judge you either, so you could easily extend me the same courtesy, especially since you're actually out with other people and in a far less vulnerable position.
All in all, it wasn't terrible, but it also wasn't fun. For me. Who knows...maybe if I repeatedly expose myself to these types of situations, I'll become more comfortable and actually learn to find them enjoyable, but I'm not sure if and when I'll do something like this again. I'm also not entirely certain that the energy that I have to put into these excursions is actually worth the exhaustion, anxiety and discomfort that I feel before/during/afterward. There are better uses of my time than throwing myself at the mercy of wolves.    

The Muse

Another night on the town, another bar packed with strangers... Why this was my friends' idea of fun, or why they would think that I might find it enjoyable, I have no idea. Actually, that's not entirely true, my friends think that they're doing me a favor by dragging me off to some bar or club so I can hook up with some chick who won't be able to remember most of what happened anyway. It's not like I have a problem with the ladies, I'm a decent-looking guy, but I don't really see the point of having sex just to have had sex...especially not with someone who needs at least half a dozen shots of tequila to "loosen up". Besides, most of the women just wind up looking at me like I'm some brainless hunk of meat. Some of them use gender equality as an excuse, as in "Men constantly ogle at women, so why can't we do the same", whereas others just don't care or have their own little reasons for approaching me.
So, here I am...putting on a good show for da boyz. Be it in the name of solidarity, in the name of bromance, whatever...I just go through the motions. Smiling, laughing, pretending to listen to their stupid jokes and anecdotes, pretending to scan the room for a pretty face, drowning in the sea of laughter and idle conversation. "Ayo bro! Are you gonna drink that or what?! Or are you already narrowing down the list of honeys you wanna hunt down later?" "Hey...what about that one cute brunette we saw over by the dancefloor when we walked in?" "Dude no, did you see how big her entourage is? She ain't here to play. At least not with us." "Maybe if we can find a trio, Mark and I can distract two of them while you disappear with the third to a more private location." "Yeah, but let's make sure we find some quality chicks this time, okay?"
Blablablabbitybla... I like my friends...I do, but sometimes...okay, a lot of times...I just have to tune them out. For the sake of my own sanity, of course. Fine...so I'll look at the ladies present tonight...each and every one beautiful in her own right. Dolled up, wearing their prettiest clothes, some here on girls' night out, some here to unwind after a hectic work week, some just here for a bit of youthful fun, some here to hunt and play. And that's when my eyes fall on her...sitting at the bar...possibly the rarest of sights for this kind of place. All alone with only a vodka soda to keep her company, she seems to be scanning the room for something and yet nothing at the same time. Her body posture exudes an extraordinary level of cool and casualness, while giving off the vibe that she is in no mood to play games of any kind or with anyone. Some people stare, especially other women...and why not? She isn't adhering to some unwritten code, she simply doesn't fit. Like an errant puzzle piece, she is upsetting some kind of balance, breaking some imaginary law of nature, but in the most delicious way possible. How dare she not conform? How dare she not play along? She is the lonesome wolf refusing to operate according to the pack mentality. Through her mere presence she seems to be defying all of the superficiality and bullshit. She isn't here for them, she isn't here for me, she is just here.
I can't help it, I feel drawn to her. To her alabaster skin that reflects the blue and pink lights from the dancefloor. To her hair that is just the right amount of disheveled. To her lips that are just plump and pink enough. But especially to her eyes. They seem to be able to cut right through to the center of one's very being. Despite that meticulously-crafted tough and cool exterior, I can still see her pain and sadness, and I can't help but want to take her away. Away from these people, away from this bar, away from whatever might be hurting her. I wan't to be selfish and tell her about my feelings and what I see when I look at her. And so I find myself walking towards her with the greatest of ease. It's almost as if I'm not moving at all and the universe is merely shifting around me. Ignoring the ramblings of my friends, the glances from other people... As I get closer, I can see her eyes turn sideways ever so slightly. Great, she realizes that I'm approaching. Now what? Sure, I could always turn back...and look like a moron...but no, there's no turning back now. Come hell or high water, I will talk to her, I will at least try to get to know her. It's now or never, do or die, deep breaths, don't look like you're about to have a stroke, smile...but gently, you don't want her to call the cops...here goes nothing... "Hi..."    

Just another one of those days...

Today was just another one of those days... With no real trigger or cause I simply found myself fighting against the building pressure time and time again...and losing time and time again. Looking up to the skies (or apartment ceiling) I just felt the tears fall down my face and neck. I'm not entirely sure why I bothered to look up. Was it to pray to the heavens or universe for some kind of relief? Was I looking to somehow ease the pressure? Maybe I was just trying to prevent myself from looking like a complete mess afterwards by letting the fluid flow downward and out of my face.
I could feel my right hand clutched firmly around my throat. Not enough to choke myself in earnest, but just enough to make me feel the pressure. A pressure that was meant to be oddly calming, to counteract the pressure I was feeling on the inside. This lasted for a few seconds, until I could feel my breathing steady itself. And so I removed the hand, only to feel the next wave of sadness rise up inside of me.
They say that crying is supposed to make one feel better and provide relief, but I think that people who say that have never had to wonder when the crying will stop. I've always felt like the tears and sadness were threatening to tear me apart. As if the pain of a thousand souls were weighing on you and had yet somehow infiltrated your very being at the same time. Impending doom and destruction pulling and tugging and yet pushing and tearing away at you...it's no wonder that I try to avoid crying. The fear that it might all overpower me and finally push me over the edge and cause my whole being to be ripped apart has probably helped me build up such a strong resistance that the tears hurt more than they should.
Of course, there's also the issue of pride and dignity. Who would want to see someone like me cry? Nobody should be subjected to the sight of me period, let alone the sight of me in a vulnerable state like this. So, these were the days when I shut myself in and locked myself away from the world, even though these were the days when I needed people the most.
Getting up, I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. The tear-streaked face drained of all color, the soaked eyelashes reflecting the light of the lamp, the bloodshot whites of the eyes turning the irises into brilliant emeralds shimmering in a sea of red. From a more objective point of view, one might almost say that there was an incredible beauty to my misery and despair.
As I get ready for bed, I can't help but feel relief that the end of another one of those days has finally come to an end, for the few hours of sleep will hopefully give me a chance to recover from my inner turmoil. And as a final thought, all I can think is that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will not be another one of those days...

People and the irritating things they do/don't do

Because I can't seem to stop ranting, even though I'm feeling better now than I did yesterday. (That might just be because I finally got a certain someone to respond to my text messages though...don't know.) I would just like to say that this isn't directed at anyone in particular...but someone in particular did help to inspire this rant just a bit...and I know that I've been guilty of this as well (or at least a variation thereof) and am trying to correct this habit. Now, I pride myself on saying what I mean...99.9% of the time at least...so it really frustrates me when I realize that there are people out there and in my very own social circle who either can't or won't extend me the same courtesy. One of those is the issue of the infamous phrases "We should get together sometime!/Oh, we live so close to each other! Let's hang out for coffee!/You should come visit me sometime!/I would really love to come visit you!" I know that (some of) these are sometimes said just to be nice and are used to mask a request/favor, in which case, do us both a favor and drop it. If you want something from me, just be direct about it because I will figure out that that's the maneuver you just pulled and it will and does piss me off. Of course, I'm sure that most of you are actually being sincere (or trying to be), but then life steps in and somehow mucks everything up. That I get and can respect. My depression and anxiety sometimes make me not want to see people either. Either that, or my lack of finances prevents me from traveling around. Or the stress from my studies. Sometimes it's any combination or even all of the above. However, please try to not bring up visits or hanging out unless you genuinely want to see and spend time with me, but aren't willing to put in at least some effort into the scheduling of these activities/events. Because I'm willing to work with you to a certain extent, but if you leave the scheduling up to me, only to shoot down any and every suggested place and date and not make your own suggestions, then guess what? At some point, not only will I not want to do anything with you anymore, I will also come to resent you. This pertains to varying degrees to both my platonic and more intimate relationships. I actually find it more infuriating when a potential romantic/intimate partner pulls off shit like this. Because I do really expect those people to say what they mean and mean what they say. More so than what I would from a platonic friend. There is nothing more aggravating to me than to have someone say how much they want to see and be close to me, only to then not fully respond to actually setting up plans for something like that. I mean, that is just beyond cruel and unusual punishment for someone who hasn't been intimate with anyone for the past seven years. That's like luring a hibernating bear out of its slumber with the promise of fresh salmon, only to jerk all of the fish away at the last second. Now, nobody in his/her right mind would do that to a sleeping bear and yet people seem to think it's okay to do that to me. Except that we're talking about sex and not salmon...and I'm not a sleeping bear, but I might be at least as dangerous as one. This also makes me understand what part of the appeal of having multiple partners might be. If you really like someone and they like you, but they can somehow never find time to spend with you, then what? Well, maybe instead of moping around, it's simply easier to bury one's sorrows and frustrations in the affections of another person. It sucks and it's the easy way out and I most certainly wouldn't advise it once in a committed relationship (assuming it's not an open or polyamorous one), not to mention that I really dislike the idea because I like focusing on one person and one person alone (and I think that multiple partners are ultimately more trouble than they're worth...or maybe I'm just jealous because I can't even get laid by one person)...but I get the potential appeal.
Anyways, I would just really really appreciate it if people stopped putting ideas of social and/or intimate activities in my head, only to not follow through with them. It would make my life a whole lot easier and, by extension, everyone else's as well because then I wouldn't wind up having to drive some of you people crazy with my incessant messages of "When can I come see you?/When would you like to come over?/What are your plans this weekend?/etc."
Oh well, that's it from my end for today. Thanks to everyone who read this rant, and thanks to everyone who didn't! Like I said, I'm sure I've managed to aggravate people doing things similar to the ones I just complained about, and I am trying to work on them. Should you ever notice me stepping into my own traps, feel free to let me know. And no, this doesn't mean that I have a person lined up for each day of the week, Miss Bettina don't play like that, but I get why some people might.
Until next time (which will hopefully be sooner rather than later)!      

B's Soapbox: Self-love and self-acceptance

So, this is just something that came to me after I read the latest email from one of my friends, but hopefully it might speak to a few more of you guys:
It's always incredibly painful for me to hear friends say that they think they're unattractive or undesirable or unloveable...and yes, I get it that all of this could be applied to me as well. Hearing them say stuff like that is like a dagger to my heart because it's just not true, and ultimately, it's just poison for the soul. Because my dear friends, you're not unattractive or undesirable or unloveable. You're fine and perfect just the way you are and don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you any differently. You have every right to be loved, every right to be desired physically/mentally/emotionally, by both yourself and someone else. And just because you feel worthless and unattractive, either all the time or just when you're having a bad day/week/month/year, don't allow yourself and other people to treat you that way. Nobody should settle for someone who treats them like shit, like they're replaceable (because you are unique and that's the way it should be), like they're just another notch on the bedpost. Even if you feel like you've hit rockbottom and you deserve to be punished by living forever alone, or worse, spending the rest of your days with someone who neither cares about nor respects you, it's not true.
Trust me, I've been there. I have been in abusive friendships just because I thought that no one else would want to be my friend otherwise. I have done certain things that I knew were wrong and that made me hate myself just because I wanted to belong. I mean, I still catch myself saying incredibly horrible and hurtful things about myself from time to time. Granted, I'm working on not doing that anymore, or nearly as much, but it's still difficult. Loving, or even just liking and respecting, yourself isn't easy. Well, maybe for some of you it is. In that case, I salute you and you are obviously a better, more well-adjusted person than I am. As for the rest of you, most worthwhile and important things don't necessarily come easily. It sucks, I know, but just try to make the effort.
Because you are perfect just the way you are. With all your quirks and supposed flaws. With your perfect or not-so-perfect physiques. Each and every single one of you. So what if they don't invite you to their party because you're too quiet. They're missing out on your awesomeness and wicked sense of humor. So what if she laughs in your face when you tell her you like her because she thinks you're a complete loser for playing games like D&D. It's her loss because she'll never know what a good listener you are, that you'll take care of her when she's sick, that you'll hold her when she cries, or that you'll take care of all her physical and emotional needs. So what if he criticizes your body the first time he sees you naked. He's neither worth your time nor does he deserve to look upon your glorious body. You just do you, be the best you you can be, and know that there is at least one person who accepts you for who you are.
Thanks for reading and I'm going to get off of my soapbox now...well, at least until I find something else that I feel needs to be talked about.

Stuff I've read: Abortion and the Culture of Shame

I've decided to start a new segment (is segment the right word for this? Maybe series? Doesn't really matter, it's my blog after all.) and it's going to be about various articles I've read. Assuming that I have a lot to say about them. Otherwise, I might wind up overloading the newsfeeds of my friends on FB. I know, I know...you all want to know about my online dating adventures, but I'm just not really in the mood to talk about them right now.
For the first entry of this segment/series I will dive right into the deep side of the pool. Why? Because I'm obviously not the most sane person and seemingly enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. Not really...but sometimes it can be fun and sometimes it is necessary. The topic of abortion belongs to the latter of the two. I read this article on how Texas has created a "culture of shame" when it comes to the topic of abortion, and honestly, it makes me upset. It saddens and angers me. Not just as a woman, but also as a human being. So, is everyone ready for a rant? Oh, and rules about comments (not that I've ever had a problem with them before, but just to be safe...): Let's not get ugly or hateful here, okay? I have to sift through them anyways before they get published, and I would hate to have to delete them. Anyways...let the ranting commence! *cue the trumpets and horns*
*ahem* It's one thing to believe something and have an opinion, but it's a completely different issue to be judgmental and try to force your beliefs on the rest of humanity. For all I care, you can believe in the Great Jewel-Encrusted Bunny in the Sky, but unless I'm interested in converting, don't tell me that it wants me to live my life a certain way. While I do believe that some Christians mean well with being against abortion, I think that most just jumped on the bandwagon and are hiding behind their beliefs to justify their behavior and to exert control over a group of people. Now, I'm not saying that all Christians are like this. I'm also not saying that any of you guys are like this, but a great number of people are. In addition to that, you can still be against abortion, but it's none of your business whether or not a woman chooses to end her pregnancy. Personally, I think abortion should be a last resort and should only happen after the woman has undergone proper counseling to ensure that she has thought this through extensively. And I know what some of you are going to say: There's always adoption! Yes, this is true, but with so many children already going hungry (even in the States) and being neglected by the system and mainstream society (and don't even look at me like that...because it's true), they really aren't that much better off. Oh, and what about that issue of practicing safe sex? Well, let's see...with so much abstinence-only sex ed and the ability to refuse that one's hormonally-addled child receive a well-balanced sex ed or to provide them with one oneself, I can see how one would be confused. Because naturally all children are born with the knowledge of what condoms and pregnancy are... One can't have it both ways! But that's right, religion generally doesn't permit for safe sex or abortions, does it? Do I really have to tell everyone about how religious books like the Bible were written by men, as in mortal men...made out of flesh and blood (and I don't care that God is listed as the author of the King James Bible!)? Even if deities took the time to either personally contribute to or indirectly inspire the authors to write those books, they aren't necessarily the most up-to-date with modern society. Ways of thinking that worked hundreds/thousands of years ago don't or can't be applied to today's society. Just like our current ways of thinking won't necessarily be relevant in the next 50-100 years.
As for the "culture of shame"? The main reason why these women feel regret or wind up becoming traumatized is because of the way mainstream society condemns them for making such a tough decision. Maybe people should ask them why they made the decision they made before they jump to any conclusions, but people tend to be lazy when it comes to things like that. Everything has to be black and white, one extreme or another, otherwise people have to utilize their brains more and thinking's oh-so-hard. (And yes, I'm mad.) Here's a newsflash: Reality consists of millions of shades of grey...or just plain 50. (I know! Focus! Serious topic...)
I just have a bit of advice for everyone, and if you decide to disregard everything else I just wrote, please, please keep this in mind: Try to focus more on being a decent human being and a little bit less on being a good follower of whatever religion you belong to. You are a human first and foremost and everything else should come in second/third/fourth/etc. We all deserve to be loved and treated with respect and kindness. If you do that, I'm sure that your deities will still thank and reward you, even if you didn't follow their teachings as strictly as you "should" have.
There, I'm done. Now get outta here before we all hug and kiss and braid each other's hair.
Until next time...assuming I haven't thoroughly scared everyone off...

Online Dating (Episode Two): Observations and Tips

Yes, I am still alive and you can all rejoice because, for once, this won't be a depressing post! Yaaaay!!! Anyways...the last time I wrote about online dating I mentioned the disaster of a phone call I had with a potential date. Needless to say, that was the first and only time we talked to each other, especially since I received a message from him about one or two weeks later saying that he had fallen in love. Obviously, he managed to find someone who was better versed in the ways of conversation. So, I wish the two of them lots of happiness and plenty of not awkward talks.
Today I would like to write about the things I have noticed about myself and the men on certain dating sites.
First off, am I the only one who feels that online dating is more of a full-time job? To me it just seems that if you do online dating the way these sites advise you to, you almost have to invest a good two to three hours every day, and since I'm guessing that some people (and by some, I mean me) are signed up with more than one site, that adds up. Besides, I should be using that time to do something more productive, like study.
And yes, I have accounts on several dating sites...four to be exact. However, I'm only really active on one of them. The first one (let's call it O) I actually signed up with because they had cool personality quizzes. In fact, I signed up with them so long ago that I am still listed as being in a relationship, which is obviously a lie. It wasn't back then, but it certainly is now. I keep on forgetting that I have an account on that site until it sends me a happy birthday message. Then I decided to try the second one (Z) because I thought I was really desperate (and I liked the commercials...it happens, even to me), but then I took a look at the men using it and quickly realized that I didn't want someone that badly. Maybe that was more of a regional issue though... Site number three (E) was the first German account I set up, but I don't even really use that one anymore because I can't use all of the functions without signing up for a premium membership. As for the last one (P), I again started off with limited access, but I actually purchased the premium membership for this site since it was cheaper without giving too much up quality-wise. This last website is the one that I actually use.
So, before I continue, it's important to note that the things I'm writing about are based off of my personal experiences and opinions, and they certainly aren't representative of the population at large. If you agree with me, great, and if you don't, that's fine too. We can all agree to disagree, as long as we aren't being unreasonably aggressive and immature about it. Most of us should already be aware of this, but since you never know who might stumble across this blog, I feel that such things need to be pointed out repeatedly.
Alright, on to the main show...
I have come to realize something shocking about myself when it comes to online dating, and that is that I can be quite superficial. What I mean is that I am more lenient/tolerant/accepting towards/of guys I meet in person. For example, someone doesn't strike me as overly attractive or I'm just not feeling it, but maybe this person is extremely funny or sweet. Offline, I'll gladly date someone who is incredibly funny over someone who is extremely attractive. Or at least I'll give it a shot, whereas online dating (unfortunately) allows for me to kick the poor guy to the curb without wasting a second thought on him. (Sorry.) There seems to be a whole lot of characteristics/requirements that automatically eliminate most potential partners for me. Should I list them? So we can all witness what a bitch I really am? Now, for the record, these are things that I look for in a potential partner online since it seems that I am very discriminatory if I haven't actually met the person. Sounds weird, but it's true. You can all hate me later.
1) Non-smokers - These are very, very hard to come by in Germany. It seems that the majority of men (online) smoke, be it regularly or occasionally or just whenever they're out with friends drinking. This is actually one of the things that is (almost) non-negotiable for me, regardless of online or offline. I have too many family members who smoke, and I would prefer to not become romantically/sexually-involved with someone who smells and/or tastes like smoke. I will gladly be the bestest of buddies with you, but if you smoke, there is a 99% chance of you staying in the friend zone. Of course, should I ever meet someone who fulfilled all of my other basic desires and/or needs, but smoked, I might make an exception. However, I wouldn't count on it.
2) No children and no previous marriages - This is one of my bitchier requirements (or maybe even the bitchiest one?), but hear me out. I have witnessed and heard about too much baby mama and papa drama, so unless I've met your previous life partner and have been able to judge her (or his, you never know) character for myself, I'm going with the worst-case scenario and staying away from you. As for the children, as much as I love them and would love to be a mom at some point (maybe), I know I wouldn't just be taking on the kids. I would also be taking on the parent, assuming he/she is still alive, and again that is potentially just way too much drama for my liking. This is one of the areas that I would be quite a bit more lenient on in an offline setting. Depending on the person, I wouldn't say no to a previously married father. However, I would require meeting the former spouse and having a conversation with the children (assuming the guy still plays an active part in their lives), once the time is right, to explain the situation and answer any questions. Of course I realize that at my advanced/advancing age that finding someone who hasn't been married (at least once) and who is childless becomes increasingly impossible. So, I'm not entirely delusional, and like I said, I am quite a bit more flexible about this issue when I meet someone in person.
3) No religious affiliations (or open proclamations of political views) - I usually would never think of asking someone about their beliefs (or political views), so why would an online admission about these things deter me all of a sudden? Unless I know you fairly well, I might associate certain personality traits to you if I know ahead of time which church or political party you belong to. So, it's simply a matter of avoiding more potential drama. However, in real life, I don't really care what you believe in unless you are actively harming or using your beliefs to discriminate against other living beings.
4) No major height or age discrepancies, not too far away - I know, really superficial of me. Again, things that are very negotiable...actually ultimately everything is...except for the smoking, I'm fairly flexible about these in person. However, if I can only see the raw data, I will rule out as many people as possible. This is gonna sound cold, but narrowing down the number of men I contact helps me to prioritize, and expend my time and energy more wisely. Again, sorry. Nothing against men, especially the ones online, but I don't know you, so I'm going to have to go off of the information provided.
Since I can't think of anything else to write that will make me look like a superficial beeyotch, let's move on to a few gripes I have with some men on these dating sites and my suggestions for improvement. Needless to say, you don't have to give a crap, in which case, I am curious as to why you're reading this blog to begin with.
Anyways, on to the next list:
a) Pick a decent username - Sites like E and P will actually provide you with a number, so potential suitors can't pass judgment on you just based off of your username. Hey, not everyone wants to hook up with randydude69. (I don't know if anyone actually has that name...and no, it's not mine. My apologies if you do! It's just an example. Don't sue me, I'm just a poor student.) On sites that do allow for usernames, like Z, I would advise picking something neutral. However, if you want to show that you're not looking for anything serious, then by all means, let your username do the talking for you.
b) Include a picture! - Even if it's pixelated because you haven't given me permission to see it (some of these sites, like E and P, don't allow you to see the profile picture clearly without the user giving you consent), just go through the effort of uploading at least one decent photograph. Related to this: Upload one with a clear shot of your face. Please! I think it's great that you have pictures of you having fun on the beach, but I generally don't wind up becoming attracted to someone's silhouette. Oh, and on sites like Z that are a bit more informal: Look, I get it. Sites like this aren't exactly known for creating everlasting love. However, there are still a few basic rules I think one should follow when uploading photos: No impersonations of Ben Stiller's "Blue Steel". It's cute, but best saved for your modeling portfolio and friends. Try to lay off of the topless pics. Thanks for showing the goods, I appreciate it, really, but that's not quite what I'm looking for. No group pictures. Even if you tried to crop the photo, your profile pic should not include fractions of your amigos and/or ex. Just take a friggin' selfie! (Unlike what some other sites might say, I would prefer a decent selfie over a poorly cropped group picture anyday.)
c) Fill out your profile - Come on guys, I went through the effort to fill mine out as honestly as possible, and then I stumble across profiles that haven't even been completed halfway. It's like a slap in the face. So, just do your part because I sure as hell ain't gonna bother writing you if you haven't given me anything to write to you about.
d) Winking/smiling/etc. alone won't cut it - I think it's great that you sent me that smile, but then didn't bother to write. What do you want me to do? Oh hey, that guy poked me. That must mean he likes me! (Maybe I shouldn't have gone with poked as an example...oh well.) So, unless you're smoking hot and I really like your profile, I won't react. If you can't be bothered to at least send me a "I think your profile is interesting.", then I have nothing to say to you either.
e) Try to avoid cheesy lines - If it's embedded in an otherwise sincerely written message, I don't care. However, if that's your opening line and that's all you've got to say, then I get the feeling you just copied/pasted that to a hundred other profiles. I know that people contact more than one person in the online dating world, but you don't have to insult the other person by making it so glaringly obvious that you're just playing the numbers game. You might as well go ahead and admit "Hey girl, I just want to get laid." or "I don't actually want a relationship." Thanks to site Z, I've come to strongly dislike many of my messages. That's probably because many of them are along the lines of "Are you looking for adventure?" (Umm, with you? No.) Also, I don't like being buttered up unnecessarily. I have a mirror, I know what I look like. If you were to ask anyone in my social circle to describe me, words like beautiful and sexy would not be the first words to jump to their minds. More like quiet and awkward. Maybe smart. Maybe. So, I don't need you to feed me lines about how I stunned you with my laser eyes or how I am the epitome of beauty. It reeks of lies, even if you're being genuine. If you still think you need to compliment me on my irresistible appearance, please don't open with it. Wait until we've actually met and have had a few actual conversations.
Now that I've torn into any and all potential dates, which I am sorry about, it's time for me to turn the mirror on myself. I probably shouldn't be so discriminating, even in an online setting. I'm dealing with other human beings (hopefully), so I shouldn't assume that they're all the same. I'm sure that many, if not most, of them are decent people who deserve a chance to be loved. I will readily admit, that I can be sometimes surprisingly superficial when it comes to online dating, and I should try to loosen some of my strict requirements. My goal is to write back to anyone who has gone through the effort of writing me. That is the least that I can do. I should try to upload more pictures, preferably not selfies (even though I don't know how or even if  I'll accomplish that). I still have a lot to work on, so just be patient with me. And please remember, this is just based off of my observations and very limited experiences, so what bothers me, might not bother you. This doesn't mean that I hate these guys online or that I now suddenly hate some of you because you smoke or you have been married before or you happen to be 10 cm shorter than me. These are preferences I have in a potential partner, but I'm not expecting to have someone meet all of these, but at least one would be nice.
That's all from my end for now, and hopefully, I'll have more to write about some other time.
Take care everyone! Plenty of love and hugs!