Masturdating with B: Throwing Myself to the Wolves

Credit: boredpanda.com

Yes, I realized what I just did there, and yes, I totally did that on purpose. This is me we're talking about after all...

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of masturdating, see the above picture, it is when you go out on a date with and by yourself. Which is what I've been doing a lot of within the course of the past week.

Now, considering how angry and bitter I've been feeling lately whenever I've been out and about and surrounded by others, and how anxious and uncomfortable I am in the presence of others in general, why in the 'verse would I possibly do this to myself? Well, for one, that's just the way it's worked out this past week. I've had appointments to go to and errands to run, so I decided to see if I could actually go to a restaurant...by myself...as someone who is still (and probably will always be) full(er)-figured...and eat in public. I know! The shock!! The horror!!! How dare she?!?! Well, it is Halloween season and everyone loves a scary story. Actually...that's not entirely true...I can count off on one hand the number of people I know who love horror as much as I do... And as a second major point, and some of you will probably take offense to this, if I were to actually wait on my friends to do anything remotely fun in public, like go to the movies or try out a new restaurant, I would die of old age. For example, I am currently trying to organize a get-together to celebrate reaching my first goal weight, but do you think that anybody has really responded? So far, I've had one friend ask me what I want to do (however, what's the point of me wanting to do anything, if the people I want to do it with can't even be bothered to answer the simple question of whether or not they want to attend this get-together to begin with?!) and another wants to hang out with me in private (which is always nice and needed and appreciated...but not really the expected reaction to that particular inquiry). The rest of the people (granted, I have yet to invite another person, but I was going to wait until I had something more concrete planned, although I'm probably not going to get a definite answer out of them either...) have either been remarkably silent (despite having read the message) or haven't even looked at the message for whatever reason (probably because everybody's switched to Snapchat and WhatsApp and I was stupid and posted the message on Facebook...).

So, long story short: I don't know why I have friends. I don't know why I bother wanting to spend time with or talk to them sometimes. I love them, I really do, but occasionally I have to wonder about the people in my life. There are times when I basically equate them to my appendix. Sure, they're probably supposed to serve some purpose and did at one point or another, but they tend to just exist most of the time and if I'm not careful, they might potentially become inflamed or burst and send me to the ER and be the death of me... I have a knack for the visual, I know...and you're welcome. I guess I've just slowly been coming to the conclusion (yet again) that I'm simply not as important to some people as they are to me. Which is why I'm one of the few dumbasses who has to fend for and entertain themselves... Mind you, like I said before, I'm writing this knowing that it is potentially hurtful to some, but that I also still deeply care for these select few individuals and it's not like I'm suddenly fed up with them or have given up on my relationships with them. I am more than aware that some of them feel bad for seemingly neglecting/ignoring me, I know that they have their own lives and obligations and social activities (as they should and as I expect them to), and as much as I care for them and am mostly forgiving (well, I try to be at least...), it is precisely because I care for them, that feeling ignored/neglected/rejected/dejected by/because of these people stings all the more and this therefore sounds more bitter and accusatory than it is meant to. So, my apologies to anyone in my innermost circle who is hurt/offended by this, feel free to approach me about it (and if I counter with the whole "It's okay...I know you're busy/dealing with stuff too" shtick, call me out on my bullshit and tell me to fess the eff up and open up about how I really feel). This is just me processing my feelings/impressions of how things have been going for me relationally for a while now. That doesn't make them true, or completely true at least. This is how I've been feeling more often than not recently (and not so recently), and my feelings are still at least somewhat valid.

Anywho...moving on...

As far as how my solo excursions went, they were mostly okay...ish... Today and yesterday I sat down at a couple of restaurants and managed to eat without feeling judged too much, even though I think that some people were still confused (I mean, who goes out and eats by themselves? That's just crazy...), but it was still mostly nice...I think. However, I was annoyed during my outing to the movies on Monday (I watched The Magnificent Seven, which was good, but, considering how long it is, they should have edited the amount of commercials they played beforehand...just like I should be editing my blog posts...) and I almost broke down crying during my "celebratory" meal on Friday...

To explain what happened: I decided to treat myself for my successful weight loss endeavors to a burger (of all things because clothes shopping is at least as much fun as eating in public, and I hear that people need food to survive...) at this place that I had been wanting to go to for the better part of a year, but I kept on putting it off because I didn't want to go by myself (people tend to look at you either like you don't belong or like you shouldn't be allowed to eat out in public if you don't look a certain way or they look at you like an abused puppy who they feel sorry for...) or that I was never at the "right" weight to allow myself certain indulgences (I am an expert at talking myself out of all sorts of stuff...it's a gift really). However, after coming to the conclusion that I was never going to get around to making this experience if I waited for a volunteer/partner in crime, I went to this burger joint, I sat down, I ordered, I felt bad for ordering fries in addition to the damn burger (but it was a good burger), at one point a piece of the burger almost fell on my clothes, I looked up for a second to see this other woman who was also eating by herself look at me and laugh (not maliciously or judgey, it was more of a "Yeah...that happens to me all the time too" or "That was adorable/relatable" chuckle)...and I could feel my face get really warm and the muscles around my eyes tense up in anticipation of the tears that were starting to well up. I was barely able to regain my composure and just wanted to call it a day, tuck tail and run back to the safety of my apartment. Unfortunately, I still had to go in to work that day, so no hiding and licking wounds for me.

Looking back at these past few solo outings, I do realize that (as independent and self-sufficient as I am in other areas of my life) this is something I should be doing more often. Maybe not as often as this past week (both my body and scale are not too happy with me right now, which is why I've been trying to get in 2-3 hour workouts as much as I can), but maybe I should try to make it a weekly or biweekly occurrence. Who knows... Besides, it's a good way for me to get some extracurricular reading in, which I don't really get around to when I'm at home.  

B's Return to Jobland

Credit: madame.de

Yes, people, this is the huge secret that I alluded to a couple of weeks ago, this is the secret that has been keeping me from "drowning in K-pop": I now have a job...again.
And before everyone gets super excited, just don't, okay? Because it's not what you think. Considering that my MA studies are slowly drawing to a close, and since I'm not entirely sure how smooth my search for work will be post-graduation, I've been applying to several part-time positions and internships and traineeships. While I had been getting the expected nos left and right...because we all know that I have about as much luck finding a job as I do a romantic partner (which I know shouldn't be super important, it would just be nice to have in my life again)...I finally managed to get accepted at a French-style bakery, which I now work at 3-4 times each week.

Here are a few things I've noticed during my first month there:

1. People are indecisive (and unprepared). - Sure, more than a few of them know exactly what they want, but I can't tell you how many times I've seen blank stares or people looking at the eclairs and macarons as if they were dealing with their own version of Sophie's Choice. Also, if you don't know what you want yet, just take a couple of steps back and signal to other customers that they can place their order before you. Otherwise, you're just holding up the line and keeping me from completing the other aspects of my job. And asking me whether or not we bake something on the premises during lunch or coffee rush isn't only piss poor timing on your part, it's also kind of rude to the other customers. Besides, I'm the late shift, I don't know what we bake and when. I'm just responsible for taking care of your caffeine and carb fix and then cleaning the whole mess up.

2. People don't know how to order. - Tying in to the previous point, and very similar to another customer service job I worked at, people (some of them at least) don't really think things through when placing orders (or line things up on the belt). I personally prefer to be as efficient as possible. When I have errands to run, I try to come up with the most logical way of tackling them, in terms of distance, importance, opening hours, whether or not food/perishables are involved, etc. Now, the average customer already knows that the best way to order at a place like a cafe or a bakery is to place the drink order first, and then to take care of any food requests. Why? Because if you're ordering something like a latte machiato, it takes a longer time for the machine to switch between dispensing hot milk and espresso than if you were to order a regular coffee or cappucino. That is time that I could easily spend grabbing you a croissant or helping you pick out the perfect assortment of macarons for your girlfriend or boyfriend or whoever. In addition to that, ordering something like a big cappucino or hot chocolate requires me to complete several separate steps, so for the sake of both your and my time management (and the sanity of the other customers), place the more elaborate and time-consuming orders first.

3. Cafe au lait vs Milchkaffee (coffee with milk) - This is actually something that a customer brought up a week or two ago. She ordered a cafe au lait (which is what we technically offer), and then asked me whether or not it was a cafe au lait or just a Milchkaffee (so, just coffee with milk). Now, some of you might be confused because isn't cafe au lait, similar to the latte, also just coffee with milk? Technically yes, but those milk/coffee drinks aren't necessarily interchangeable. Compared to a Milchkaffee, a cafe au lait tends to be a wee bit stronger in the caffeine department and features less milk (foam). Unfortunately for this particular lady, the board might say that we offer cafe au lait, but the machine does not. So, needless to say, she was not happy with her plain coffee with milk...

4. Buttered pretzels and dijon mustard croissants out the wazoo - Now, I will leave it up to you whether or not you take that literally. I know some of you love sploshing and are into feederism and other types of food play (and please, for the love of all that is good and pure and holy, don't Google those terms...if you desperately need to know what they mean/entail, ask me...you might not be able to unsee some of the images that pop up on your screen and I have no money for your therapy bills), no judgment from my end. However, what I actually meant was that one of the perks (and nuisances) of working the late shift and closing up is that I can take home certain baked goods for free. Not all of them mind you (no eclairs or quiches or other items from the patisserie section), but leftover pain au chocolat or dijon mustard croissants are free for the taking at the end of the night. Unfortunately, as fun as that might be on paper, my skin and body in general did not thank me for it. Granted, it didn't really affect the number on the scale, but my skin did become slightly irritated and I was starting to develop cysts and cystic acne again. Besides, I actually started to yearn for fresh fruits and vegetables (or any type of well-balanced meal or a real meal period). So yeah, I'm now learning to only take what I might eat that night after my workout and maybe something for breakfast the next day, but that's it. It might pain me to throw away some of the stuff, but I (and my body) can only take so many refined carbs.

5. Like father, like daughter/History repeats itself - When I think about all of the stuff my father has to do at work, he basically does everything a manager has to do (minus the pay and title). In addition to that, he's also a jack of all trades-type of employee, meaning that he's reliable and competent enough to be "punished"/entrusted with multiple tasks in varying sections of his workplace. Because why ask someone else to do it or learn how to do it when you already have someone who can and who also happens to do it well? Similarly to my previous job (and I'm not counting babysitting assignments), I not only proved myself to be a quick learner (which was surprising both to me and the person who trained me), I also started closing the bakery (and taking over the responsibility of the register) my second week in. Of course, there were a few bumps along the way, but now I'm closing up pretty much all by myself (the boss only comes in for a few minutes to see how things went). However, the moment that it really dawned on me that I am my father's daughter is when I stood in the freezer taking inventory of the week's delivery (those of you who know about my father's job and his tasks there will get why I say that). And I was wearing short sleeves, which is also fairly typical of the guy... It was just an ever so slightly bizarre moment of clarity, but then again, it was very cold in that freezer, so maybe I just spent way too much time in there. And as much as I would like to say that I feel honored to be tasked with so much responsibility (and so quickly), I also feel like I'm being punished (yet again) for being too reliable or good at my job...but someone's gotta do it, right?

Either way, right now I'm just glad to be working and productive in a different way again. Hopefully, I won't be stuck working late shifts all the time, even though I don't think that I'll ever get that lucky... Let's just see how the next four weeks go, shall we?  

On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Nine (Crossing a Finish Line)

After nine months of blood, sweat and tears (and I mean that literally), I finally, FINALLY managed to reach my first goal weight a couple of days ago. And yes, I have multiple goal weights and no, I still won't be revealing any numbers. Okay...fine, I only have two specific goal weights...the third one is more like "Let me see how much weight I can lose before I collapse" and I think the fourth one is "Am I socially relevant, conventionally attractive and loveable/dateable/f***able now?" Oh what?! Don't you dare judge me from the safety of your computer/smartphone screens!!!

But yes, I finally managed to cross one of my self-imposed finish lines...and I'm still not satisfied. While I, on the one hand, realize that I've accomplished a lot and I know I should be proud for pulling off such a tremendous feat of badassery, it almost feels like I'm in a perpetual slump now. In fact, I almost feel more ashamed of being seen in public now than I did a few months ago. I mean, I've become even more protective of and hyperaware of my physical presence (you should see me walking through the downtown area, I'm pretty sure I look like a wounded animal trying to find a hole or cave to hide in)...and in a twist of almost Shyamalanian proportions, I still see myself as being heavier than I actually am and am always shocked when I look at myself in a foreign mirror.

Here's the thing, it almost doesn't matter that I've worked so hard and lost so much weight because whenever I look at myself, it just pisses me off and sometimes even kind of disgusts me. Now, does this mean that I'll quit working out and paying attention to my "diet" (and yes, I know some of you hate that dirty, dirty d-word...)? No, because I've already made it this far, so I should see how far I can take it and maybe, just maybe I'll learn to at the very least tolerate my outer shell and not feel like punching a hole in the wall every time I have to look at it.

And to those of you saying "Well, if losing weight is making you so miserable, wouldn't you simply be better off staying on the more voluptuous side and being happy in your own skin?" First of all, thank you, smartass. You're clearly new to the party and don't actually know me. Your sass is not appreciated at the current moment. If I had actually been happier at a higher weight, don't you think I would've stayed at that weight and not even bothered losing it to begin with?! The plain and simple truth is: I was neither happy as a heavier person, nor will I be happy in the near(ish) future...even if I suddenly and somehow managed to lose half of my current weight. My happiness/satisfaction isn't tied to the number on the scale. So, considering that I'm going to be miserable either way, given the choice, I would rather be skinnier and less of an eyesore to everyone else. And no, I'm not saying that heavier women are eyesores or even ugly or unhappy or that I even think/believe that. This is specifically and exclusively about me. Because this blog is my playground and I get to be a narcissist for once in my life. I've even said that I might be okay with being overweight, if my body didn't look so jacked up (and if I looked more like Loey Lane or Ashley Graham). And yes, my body is a friggin' train wreck, an absolute dumpster fire... It looks like it tried to contain the blast of ten H-bombs, failed horribly and then just got duct-taped back together. (Of course, I should add that this isn't necessarily true, I just currently feel like it is.)

Anyways...this post was actually supposed to be more celebratory, considering what I just managed to accomplish...and then it turned into a brutal slaughtering of my self-image/esteem/confidence. I'm in a foul mood, okay?! Miss Bettina is so far removed from happy (whatever that might entail or feel like) that she can see the birth of the cosmos.

Oh well...here's to hoping that this month will see me being slightly kinder to myself... Granted, I don't think I deserve much self-compassion right now, but I hear that it's an important trait to have.

Drowning in K-pop: Sept. 12th - 18th

Credit: YouTube

And it is that time again...more K-pop! Yaaaay!!! Or not, as I'm sure that some of you are probably over these entries, but it's my blog and nobody's forcing you to visit it. Besides, I haven't really had the time or energy to do much else that might be of interest to you faceless readers/visitors/lost souls.

So, let's just jump into it, shall we?

1. DIA - Mr. Potter



As exciting as a K-pop ode to Harry Potter might seem on paper, I was kind of disappointed by this song and video. It's pretty much your standard girl group fare, meaning that it's too cute for its own good, so it's not really my cup of tea. However, there's a reason that the cute concept keeps on getting recycled - obviously more than enough people enjoy it... I'm just not one of them.

2. Kim Juna - Summer Dream



Since I wasn't able to find the actual music video, a practice video will simply have to suffice in this case. If I've said it once, I've said it at least a dozen times: I am not a fan of the slower songs...but this is actually really good. Then again, it's not necessarily slow, it's more mid-tempo albeit slightly less impactful than what I usually listen to. Also, she has a very pleasant voice. It's slightly deeper and a bit on the husky side without crossing over into "cigarette/whiskey voice" territory. It's soulful, okay? So yeah, another perfect song for a lazy [insert your day of choice] afternoon.

3. 2PM - Promise (I'll Be)


2PM - Promise (I'll Be) MV [English subs... von LoveKpopSubs

I like 2PM, I do, but this isn't necessarily my favorite song of theirs. That being said, this is still a fairly decent song, so I can't really complain too much.

4. Yoon Mi Rae - JamCome On Baby



Even though Yoon Mi Rae has such a beautiful, soulful voice and presence, her songs are usually too slow and sad for me. Or as a friend of mine said, they tend to be too "ballad-y." However, this is easily the most interesting song and video of the past week. In addition to that, I just generally respect her for having both mad vocal and rap skills.

Considering how uneventful last week was in terms of K-pop releases, I have decided to stop at four songs/videos this time around. This also means that I won't be including any honorable mentions. Sooo, rejoice people. All I can do now is end this entry with the hope that this week will offer me a bit more variety, but I guess we'll see about that in my next post.

Until next time: happy viewing/listening!!!

Drowning in K-pop: Sept. 5th-11th

I know, I know...I'm late. However, I have my reasons. Reasons that will remain secret for another...2-3 weeks. And no, it's nothing super exciting, so you can all rest easy.

As for my favorite songs/videos from the past week, or at least those that I consider to be particularly noteworthy, I could easily fill out four of the five slots with Bobby and Mino...but for the sake of diversity I won't.

1. Gain - Carnival (The Last Day)



Just slightly over six minutes long, this is more of a short film than a music video. Even though Gain is better known for her epic eyeliner skills and massive sex appeal, I think it's great that she went a bit of a different route for this song. Granted, this isn't my favorite, but I do appreciate the 50s musical vibe.

2. FIVE RUN STRIKE - Round & Round



Oh hey, it's K-rock...or K-rock lite/diet rock/rock zero (some of the rock 'n' roll flavor, none of the calories aka sex and drugs?)...or K-pop/rock or something like that. While I do like this song, it would probably be too cute for me if it weren't for all of the guitars.

3. Clazziquai Project - #Curious (I'm Curious)



Yes, I realize that this video has Italian subtitles. Just ignore them and focus on the song, okay? Unless you want to practice your Italian reading comprehension skills that is... What's great about this song is how reminiscent it is of 70s disco. Then again, I'm usually a sucker for anything that sounds like it could be from the 70s or 80s. Other than that, this is a great song to dance or relax to.

4. Mino (from WINNER) - Body



I know what some of you thinking: What?! You're going to talk about Mino's solo release, but not Bobby's?! And to that I say: I'm only at number four, so how do you know that Bobby isn't next? Anyway, I like this song because it's kind of moody and yet also sensual in its own way. Also, I heard that the original version of this video was so racy that they had to edit out all of the good stuff and now there are plans to release an uncut version of it. Can you tell I'm excited? So excited...the uncut version had better be good though, otherwise it'll be 50 Shades all over again...

5. MOBB (Mino and Bobby) feat. KUSH (the artist, not the, uh, other stuff...) - Hit Me


MINO X BOBBY MOBB - HIT ME 빨리 전화해 feat KUSH... von nam-seulqii

Okay, fine...so this isn't Bobby's solo release, but technically I did include Bobby. And at least this way we don't have to look at him sporting dreads. Oh, what?! I like him better with his regular black hair... Ahem...anywho...it was difficult for me to choose which one of their two songs I like more because they both are quite good (and the more I listen to Full House, the more I like it), but Hit Me just lifts my spirits a little bit more. However, both are decent party songs...even if I'm not much of a public partier.

To wrap things up for this entry, a few honorable mentions (to access the videos, just click on the underlined items): Red Velvet - Russian Roulette, Bobby (from iKON) - HOLUP, and MOBB - Full House. Hopefully, there is something for most of you in this lineup.

Until next time and happy listening!

B's Soapbox: To Vote or Not to Vote (the Overseas Edition)

Usually, I try to abstain from the topics of politics and religion because people tend to take both of those very, very seriously and personally. However, considering that carnival/election season is slowly coming to an end (because, let's face it, that's essentially what this election season has been...a huge, seemingly never ending circus...amusing for the first five seconds, but irritating and borderline frightening ever since), it is time to face the music.

The reason I am typing up this post is to hopefully serve as a friendly reminder to any and all members of the Armed Forces (including spouses and other family members old enough to vote) as well as regular US citizens who either happen to currently be residing in another country or will be come November 8th. Granted, hardly anyone actually reads this blog - I just pretty much type stuff and send it out into the ether - but maybe this entry will reach someone who needs it.

Anyway...if you're still residing in the United States, I believe you can request an absentee ballot directly at the DMV. If not, they should (in theory at least) be able to point you in the right direction. However, if you're already overseas, I would strongly suggest that you go the FVAP's (Federal Voting Assistance Program) website...and sooner rather than later because some States require the ballot request to be mailed in via snail mail, and if you're just a civilian and don't have access to the nifty military postal system, that could take a little bit longer depending on where your current address is at.

The first thing you need to do when you access the website is to select the State that your voting residence is located in. This is important because, as with pretty much everything else, each State has its own deadlines and requirements. For example, while Illinois not only has separate deadlines for military and civilians, but also requires one's absentee ballot request to have been signed (and presumably actually mailed off) by October 8th, Iowa has different deadlines depending on whether or not one is requesting a regular paper ballot (to be received by November 4th) or the digital/fax version (by November 7th).

There is a downloadable form, the FPCA (Federal Post Card Application), that one can fill out and send in to the appropriate election office. And don't worry, there's also a list of all of the election offices and the mailing addresses, so all you need to know is which county your voting residence belongs to. Unless you don't know that, in which case, I would suggest Googling it or phoning (i.e.: Skyping because who uses a phone to call people anymore?) a friend or family member.

Like I said before, I usually avoid talking about politics (because other people kind of take the joy out of it for me...which is pretty much how it goes with most things in my life...including my life), but we also have a civic duty to fulfill. And no, I'm not going to tell you who to vote for, that's not my job. Vote for Clinton, vote for Trump, vote for Ash from Evil Dead (my personal fave), that is entirely up to you. You're all adults (hopefully), legally speaking at least. The important thing, however, is that you do vote. Just please make sure it's based off of a somewhat informed decision and not because "It's like they're saying exactly what I've been thinking..." or "They're speaking from my soul..."

And with that, I bid everyone adieu. Again, don't forget to send in those absentee ballot requests!    

Drowning in K-pop: Aug. 29th-Sept. 4th

I can't really say that I'm too excited about the K-pop offerings from last week, but that's what happens when most of the really strong songs get released during the first half of the month. Let's see...there were Hyuna's and CL's comebacks as solo artists...then Black Pink debuted...and then BTS' Suga aka Yoongi aka Agust D released his mixtape...and in between there were a few other solid songs, but this past week has been kind of meh in that area. There wasn't anything that got me really excited...except for maybe Jay Park, but I'll get to that a bit later. Other than that, I've mainly been listening to metal or techno while out and about or to mashups and remixes when I've been at home. However, I still managed to find a few songs that might be of some interest to you guys.

1. Lovelyz' Kei and MyunDo (feat. BUMZU) - Y


Kei (러블리즈) & myunDo _ Y (feat.BUMZU) MV von lee-cheng-yu

Okay, so this isn't my fave, but that doesn't mean that it's not a good song. I mean, Lovelyz' Kei has a, dare I say, lovely voice and I like the interplay of the rap segments with her vocals. However, this is something I would listen to while relaxing or have it play in the background, as opposed to listening to it while I'm out running errands or exercising.

2. HOMME - Dilemma


Homme - Dilemma MV [English subs + Romanization... von LoveKpopSubs

Say what?! Another slow song?!?! What's wrong with you?!?!?! Well...how much time do we have? I'm kidding, but this week was kind of full of slower song releases, so you're going to be seeing...at least one more of those in this post. This is a fairly sad song, but it does do a good job of describing the pain and worry one has to contend with when dealing with love. Ugh, feelings...so annoying, amirite?! (And no, I don't actually think that.) What particularly impresses me is that the song was co-written by Rap Monster from BTS, and while I initially couldn't really imagine the rapper working with this duo whose strong suit is their ballads, he pulled it off really well. So I will gladly listen to this sad love song...not all the time though because I...I just can't...

3 and 4. MAMAMOO subunits - Angel (Solar & Wheein) and Dab Dab (Moonbyul & Hwasa)





I like MAMAMOO. Granted, they're not at the top of my list when it comes to picking out workout songs, not unless they're remixes, but they do have great voices, a ton of personality and are unexpectedly dorky and pervy, so all positives in my book. While Angel is another one of those slow songs that are perfect to listen to on a calm, relaxing afternoon (assuming you can afford such a luxury), Dab Dab would be right at home in a lounge setting. And yes, I was expecting something slightly more hardcore or edgier from the two rappers in the group, but this is actually fairly typical of the group's sound as a whole, so no major complaints from me there.

And 5. *drumroll please* Jay Park - Aquaman (Warning: I wouldn't sing this out loud at work, unless you work at home, then sing along all you want.)

[Disclaimer: Don't be led astray by the title, this is not about DC Comics' superhero of the same name. It's about Jay Park's...uh...ability to hold his breath underwater. Yeah...we'll just go with that explanation.]


박재범 Jay Park Aquaman [Official Music Video... von realfour

*slow clap* This. Song. Is. Amazeballs. This was actually recommended to me by a friend (and no, not that kind of "friend") and her main selling point was its amazing, nay astonishing, douchiness. And she was right and it's just glorious. It is kind of douchey, but in probably the best possible way. Besides, this is coming from the same guy who gave us the song Sex Trip ("Your ass will go up and your face will go down..."...what could he have possibly been trying to tell us with that line? Hmm...), so I don't know what exactly I was expecting from him. If you're annoyed by listening to lyrics you don't understand, no worries, because the whole song is in English. (Unless you don't understand English, of course...in which case, welcome to my blog!) However, once he says that he wants to call you mama because you're going to be making a baby, you just might end up wishing it was in Korean. That being said, there are worse songs out there. This one's actually kind of okay and it makes me laugh, so that's a plus. I would also say that you might like this song if you enjoy listening to Justin Bieber or Drake.

With that, I will wrap up this entry and hopefully, there is a song here that you like (either because it's something you enjoy listening to or because it's just plain amusing, sometimes that's more than enough). Feel free to let me know what your faves are, or even if you have a fave. Like I said, I thought the past week was kind of lackluster, but that's just me and my very humble opinion. Until next time and take care (especially if Jay Park invites you to join him in his hot tub and wants to show you his best Aquaman impression)!

On the Quest to a Lesser Me: Month Eight (Welcome to the Downward Spiral)

To start things off, I am writing this entry earlier than usual because, for some bizarre reason, my body decided it wanted to wake up before 6 a.m. today. Now, mind you, I have no business or reason being up at that time. I don't have kids, I don't have a partner, I don't have any pets... There is no job or appointment I have to get to...no obligations that might explain why I woke up and couldn't return to my own personal land of slumber. Which kind of irks me because, considering how I've been feeling for the past week or so, I could've really used the extra couple of hours of relative peace and quiet. Sleep currently is really the only time when I am safe from my own thoughts. But alas no...I am awake and have been for the past five hours (probably for more than that by the time I am done with this entry), and it would be super swell, if I were to continue feeling as neutral or even borderline empty (emotionally speaking) as I am now. However, I'm guessing that this will probably only last until lunchtime...

And for those of you wondering why I even bothered mentioning something like that, it's because our emotions are oftentimes connected to food or other lifestyle habits and so my current emotional state has naturally had an impact on things like my food intake (although it is probably the opposite of what you guys might expect). Besides, how I am feeling will probably be reflected in what I am about to write, so this is just a disclaimer of sorts, so that you at least have an idea of where certain types of phrasing (especially of the harsher variety and especially those directed at me) are coming from.

So, here are my notes/observations/complaints from the past month regarding my weight loss/fitness journey:

1. Treading through quicksand - The closer I have been getting to my goal weight range, the slower my progress seems to get. In fact, this is the first month during which I even gained weight from one week to the next...which was so much fun... In addition to that, there haven't been any major changes to my measurements. So yeah, basically the climb up my very own Mt. Everest (or Kilimanjaro or Fuji, if you prefer) has become a whole lot more steep and difficult to manage. That being said, I somehow still managed to lose 3 kg/a little less than 7 lbs and decrease the size of my waist and hips by a total of another 6 cm/approximately 2.4 inches over the past month. So, not huge progress (for me at least or at least not compared to some of the other months), but progress all the same.

2. The Starvation Games - You know how some people like to eat their feelings? Yeah...I'm not one of them. I used to be. I've gone through phases of stress-eating, but I tend to be less of a stress-eater and more of a stress-starver. This has become blatantly apparent (yet again) over the past week when I experienced a few disappointments in my life and am now struggling with the mental and emotional repairs and damage control. So yeah, there's a lot going on upstairs at the moment. At any given moment really, but now it's more like Black Friday at Walmart, whereas before it was more like lunch rush at the cafeteria... And just to give you an idea of what I mean by stress-starving, let me provide you with a sample of my meals from one of the past days (it's from Tuesday): 2 tablespoons of amaranth with figs and pumpkin/sunflower seeds, one cup of peppermint tea, one small coffee and one roll from the bakery (that was my splurge). Oh, I also had lots and lots of water, but yeah, that was seriously all I had that day. I just couldn't eat more. (Keep in mind, that I am eating so little and still sticking to a regimen of close to 80 minutes of oftentimes hardcore exercise on most days.) Partially it's simply because my appetite is almost completely gone, it's been all but wiped out, it's currently in the ICU...but it's also because keeping a tight leash on my food intake as well as on my workouts makes me feel like I'm in control of something. When people or life in general hurt you or let you down, you try to cope in whatever way possible, and while my way could certainly be worse, I also realize that it's still maladaptive. Unfortunately, this is also my very own way of punishing myself (because I'm obviously such a terrible person and in dire need of punishment...). Oddly enough, I did something very similar back in January and that lasted 5-6 weeks, so I guess we'll see how long this lasts... And yes, I know some of you (like, two maybe three of you) are worried that I'm borderline (or even full-blown) anorexic, you worry about my occasionally (or frequently) low caloric intake, and I would laugh at that, but a) that's kind of mean (especially when confronted with sincere concern), b) there are also plenty of people my size who are anorexic and c) it's true that I don't necessarily have the healthiest relationship with food at times. I appreciate the concern (or a part of me does), but there's nothing you can really do other than hope that the storm will run its course fairly quickly and leave behind relatively little damage.

3. Looking without seeing - One of the things that irks me the most, or that I always feel tremendously conflicted about, is receiving compliments on my physical changes. Men actually seem to not notice that much, either that or they're too afraid to say anything, so not much has changed in that department. I mean, I have gotten a couple of looks, especially on the rare occasions when I do show a tiny bit more skin (as in, I actually dare to show off my clavicle) or if it's in the evening and they've been drinking, but men don't really say too much and that's understandable to a certain extent (it might be considered inappropriate and viewed as a form of harassment, that's why). Or they really have better things to do...like looking at other chicks...or I don't know...concentrate on work and their studies and life... (And no, I don't suddenly want tons of men following me around and telling me how great I look. One would be more than enough... *sigh* Oh stop, Bettina, you're too funny...) No, pretty much all of the compliments or comments I've received have been from other women. I've had everyone from a cashier to the secretary from the Japanese Studies department to my dentist to a couple of friends tell me how great or amazing I supposedly look. Now, while that is certainly flattering (I did and still do put in a tremendous amount of effort into looking the way I look...which is kind of depressing...you would think I could do better), I'm also bothered by it. First off, there's always the implication that I didn't look good or wasn't worth noticing before. Secondly, it confirms my suspicions/beliefs/perception that one is really only worth something or worth noticing when one starts to achieve a certain size or look. And thirdly...you see what I look like when I'm dressed. You're basing your assessment off of my clothed state which allows me to hide the train wreck that is lurking beneath to a certain extent. Sure, clothes fit better and I can fit into a smaller size, but they still are hiding a huge mess. One that I don't think exercise and diet alone can fix, one that I have to look at and live in/with and touch and deal with every. single. day. (How do I cope? Uhh...I usually just try to ignore my body. Yeah, I just kind of pretend it's not even there.) And if you think I'm exaggerating, I want you to imagine a balloon. It's nice, right? It's fun to look at and play with. (Unless you're afraid of balloons, in which case I apologize, but it's the best analogy I could come up with.) Now imagine that that balloon, after it has been inflated for what seems like forever, is slowly losing air and starting to get smaller. Is it still pleasant to look at? No! No, of course it's not. It looks sad and wrinkly and droopy and flabby. Nobody wants to play with the dying, deflating balloon. And that is how I feel about my body more times than I care to admit. Granted, I'm not saying that my body looked better when I had more fat to fill everything out and I'm not going to regain the weight in hopes of becoming a more inflated balloon again, but I guess it's just a reminder of how much work I still have ahead of me. I always feel conflicted when I look at myself because it makes me aware both of how much I've accomplished and how much I still have to do. So, I think what I'm trying to say is to be aware that just because you might mean well with your compliments, you aren't being subjected to the whole picture. You only have to look at the tip of the iceberg. You don't know how the other person feels about their own body or appearance, and unfortunately, we can't all be Ashley Graham who comes across as fierce and gorgeous and hot and super confident, and seems to have every reason to feel that way. All I can say is to try and be patient, be aware that this person (that would be me in this very specific instance) is currently in the middle of a very long and tough journey and to not get upset when they aren't necessarily super thrilled about receiving your compliments. Best case scenario, you'll get the slightest and most forced of smiles...maybe a very awkward and borderline confused "Thank you"...worst case, you'll get a complete rejection of your compliment and a "You're only saying that because you haven't seen me naked."

Well, I think that's enough about that topic for now, so let's see how this month goes...

And just a friendly reminder: I'm not saying that how I'm coping or what I'm doing is the only or even right way. I'm not saying starve yourselves, I'm not promoting anorexia or other eating disorders or excessive exercise. This is just me processing my journey and my struggles along the way. Just because I'm doing it that doesn't make it good or right.

Drowning in K-pop: August 22nd-28th

To be completely honest, this past week wasn't really that exciting in terms of K-pop releases. Then again, I'm also comparing this to the last couple of weeks when there was a greater variety to choose from. However, that doesn't mean that I didn't like any of the songs that came out, so here are my faves:

1. Tymee - Cinderella



This is one of those instances where the video and song just don't quite line up for me. While I like the song, Tymee's rap skills are quite decent and she has one of those voices I really like, I feel like the video was more of an afterthought. Either the lip-synching doesn't quite match up or she's just not really matching her facial expression to the lyrics...there's just a bit of a disconnect. Also, can we talk about the outfit and "dance" for one second? I get it, she's a "hip hop Cinderella", but I'm getting some minor Lil Kim vibes from this outfit...although she is far less explicit than Miss Kim. I guess I just wanted her to dress more like her backup dancers. I don't mind the body suit per se, but it still strikes me as a bit of an odd choice. On to the choreography: What is up with the slow twerk and the slapping of the chest? I mean, sure, I think there are plenty of women out there who like to fluff their own pillows from time to time, be it for fun or out of sheer boredom (and no, I won't say whether or not I belong to that group), but I'm not sure it makes a whole lot of sense here. Then again, I have yet to look up what the lyrics mean, so maybe it would make more sense then... Like I said, decent song, could have done without the video.

2. Two X - Over



Eye candy alert!!! Like major eye candy...men with bulging biceps and chocolate abs (aka six pack abs) for days... So yeah, don't say Miss Bettina never gave you ladies and men-loving gentlemen anything. That being said, the group is comprised of four flawless-looking ladies, so there's pretty much something for everyone. While some/many/most might consider the sight of bulked up men to be droolworthy because, let's face it, they are very nice to look at, I found myself almost falling over laughing while watching this video. In fact, I still do. Why? Well, because they slow the speed down when they focus on the men. They focus on the movement of their arms while they're busy sauteing garlic and...shallots?...don't judge, I was too busy laughing to pay attention!...or while they're kneading dough. (And no, kneading dough isn't meant as a euphemism, the one guy is actually busy preparing dough for...pasta...or something like that...) Either way, it's a very memorable video and fortunately, the song isn't too shabby either.

3. ELO - Rose



This is just a great song to bliss out or slow dance to. I find myself swaying to the beat of it with my eyes closed every single time I listen to it. It's so great that I've put the whole album on my must-play list.

4. Kreatures - Some Say



Another slower paced song, this is also perfect to listen to while relaxing. I also applaud the video for including some homoerotic tension (and yes, I do realize that one could argue that similar types of tension are hidden in many other K-pop videos), although it is kind of creepy that we see a lot of it taking place in a parking garage with not only some strange dude standing outside of the car with a cigarette, but also the whole friggin' band playing nearby... But to each his or her own, amirite? Still, another great song.

5. Spica - Secret Time


I like Spica because they have some of the most solid and soulful voices in K-pop, or even in general, so I was kind of looking forward to this one. Granted, this isn't as good as You Don't Love Me (which I looove singing along to), but this is still a more than decent song.

And that is what I consider to be the highlights of yet another week's worth of K-pop. Hopefully, I have managed to pick at least one song that you guys can enjoy as well! Until next time!

Netflix and Chill with B: Scream (Season 2)

Credit: spoilertv.com

Okay...so technically I could have typed up this post last Wednesday, but I knew that I was going to be seeing Suicide Squad on Friday and was planning on writing something about that, so I wanted to space out my posts a little bit. Besides, if I'm being completely honest, a tiny part of me may or may not have been hoping for another episode to come out today. And yes, I'm fully aware that that makes little to no sense. The episode last week was clearly the finale.

Here, my notes on and observations about the second season (again, with as few spoilers as possible) as well as the series in general:

1. Things old and new - Despite the series aiming to entertain a whole new group of teenagers (not to mention that the storyline is now being layed out specifically to fit a series format, which just continues to show that series are the new movies) and me wondering whether or not I'm technically too old to watch the new Scream, some things just simply don't change. Mainly the use of actors who are technically too old to be playing teenagers, but oddly enough they strike me as younger (or maybe just more youthful looking?) than their predecessors. But hey, nowadays 50s are the new 40s, 40s the new 30s, 30s the new 20s, and 20s are the new teens. People just looked older a couple of decades ago I guess...oh wow...that's right...the first Scream movie did come out almost 20 years ago, didn't it? Dude...I'm so old!!! I'm kidding...I've always been old. Anywho...as is also to be expected, the show features some of the most flawless looking teenagers ever, which is something I usually try not to pay too much attention to. It's their job to look like that, so as long as nobody expects me to look like that (and that's including myself), everything should be fine.

2. Ode to horror - Considering that the movies were already a love song to the whole horror genre, it would be shocking, if the series didn't follow suit. However, I still had a minor geek-out (it happens, don't judge) when I saw the episode titles. Why? Because every single one is named after a horror movie (and if we're being technical, a few thrillers). Of course, there's Psycho and I Know What You Did Last Summer (very appropriate) as well as Village of the Damned and When a Stranger Calls. It really is the simple things after all...

3. Everyone's a suspect - As much as one may want to look down at the series for catering mostly to teenagers (and nostalgic 20/30-somethings) and being way too MTV (and yes, I know it airs on MTV, but one can tell by just watching it too), it does do a good job keeping the viewers on their toes. Granted, in season one I managed to figure out who the main killer was fairly quickly and easily...or at least I managed to figure out who was behind one of the masks... This time around, however, it wasn't so easy. Because at some point at least half of the characters seemed like viable choices. I thought I had finally figured it out by episode 10, which is hella late for a 12-episode season, but no, I had walked into the trap that the writers had set for me and for the rest of the audience too. Out of respect for those of you who haven't watched it and are still going to (or are at least thinking about it), I won't tell you who is behind the second mask, just that I was kind of mad at the big reveal. Well, not mad per se, but mildly irritated. Then again, this is Scream, meaning that this isn't the end (unless they decide to cancel the show without providing it with a proper ending...*cough* Hannibal *cough*), so we can expect an even bigger reveal at a later point in the series.

Overall, I enjoyed it. It wasn't only entertaining, it also managed to keep me guessing. Oh, and I also greatly appreciated the final standoff scene that was very reminiscent of the first Scream movie. Watch it and you'll know what I'm talking about.