First off, something positive: To those of you who celebrate it, happy Easter! To those who don't (or aren't), happy Sunday or Monday or whatever day of the week it happens to be for you.
Now on to the actual entry...
For those of you playing the home game, you are already familiar with the ginormous breakdown I had or had been suffering from for the past two weeks. Well, the good news is that everything actually managed to stabilize and I became very calm and, dare I say, borderline content. This state of mind lasted for three days straight (three days!)...and then I went to visit one of my relatives today. (I won't say who exactly, but it's not like it's that hard to figure out.)
Out of necessity, I've had to learn how to censor what I say around this particular individual, mainly because she always manages to find a chink in my armor and inevitably says things that wind up pissing me off. Unfortunately, since I can't really tell her off or punch her, this anger just gets bottled up and I eventually start to become depressed (and yes, in some cases even cry). And so, even though this visit started out very innocently, I almost started yelling at her by the end of it (hormones may be partially to blame for this, but only partially...I would've still been aggravated otherwise).
These are some of the things I had to listen to: I'm too close to my parents (never mind that I didn't live with them for about four years and that several thousands of miles are currently separating us); I should just stop visiting them (that would also include any and all of my American friends and my cat), and instead just find people to do stuff with (we don't have to be actual friends, just people who can get along with each other...because those are so easy to find! Hey, let me put out an ad on Craigslist: Lonely and desperate female looking for people to do stuff with her...or to her...I don't care! Not really looking for anything long-term. Heck, you don't even have to like me, just so long as you hang out with me!); the United States isn't good for me (while this may be somewhat/mostly true, Germany hasn't been that good for me either, but hey, I'm completely to blame for that one); I'm 28 and could be married and have kids by now (thank you for rubbing salt in the wound that I am a failure not only on the academic, but also on a personal, level); yadayadayada. So yeah, tons of fun for everyone...
Of course, the fun can't stop there because I wind up calling my parents (you know, the ones I have an almost Bates-esque relationship with), and the shit hits the proverbial fan for the second time in one day. Usually, I talk to both my mom and my dad, but this time, I only get to talk to my mom. Hmmm, this is strange. I wonder what happened to Dad? Well, he either wasn't home or he just didn't want to talk to me. As it turns out, the blog entry about the sad panda got him pretty upset...and by "pretty upset" I mean he's one mouse click away from booking my return flight home. His main worry is that I'll slit my wrists, hang myself, throw myself from one of the bridges in the area, overdose on drugs, die from alcohol poisoning, blow my brains out, get killed by one of the many random strangers I will inevitably be having unprotected sex with (I should be so lucky), or any combination thereof. Considering that he's seen firsthand how out of control depression can get, I kinda get why he would be worried...BUT it's a little too late to be worrying about lil ol' me. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Nobody paid attention then, nobody needs to now. Besides, if I wasn't able to end everything back when I was younger, guess what, ain't nuthin' gonna happen now. What?! It's true! We all know that I'm just playing the waiting game at this point. Aren't you glad that you are reading this depressing crap? You're probably as happy as I am writing it...
Anyways...right now it just feels like I've taken two steps forward and one step back. And no, nobody needs to alert the police, nobody needs to have me institutionalized. Seriously, if you do, sad panda will become angry panda, and then nobody will be happy. Capiche?
Please join me next time for more chaos and drama...or don't.
2 comments:
Ich hab's gelesen, aber nicht weitergegeben. Tut mir leid, dass es Dir schlecht geht - hdl
Braucht dir nicht leid zu tun. Ist wahrscheinlich auch hauptsächlich meine Schuld. Du musst es auch nicht weitergeben. Ich werd ihm vermutlich heute oder morgen den Brief schreiben, nur kann ich nicht sagen wie positiv der im Moment wird. hdal
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