Okay...so I do have something to write about, but I think it is quite stupid, at least part of me does. I just pretty much don't want to be who I am right now. I guess I've reached the point where I want to be wanted in any and every possible way. I want to be desired...probably even lusted after.
The problem with that is, I am not the person others want/desire/lust after. Even my boyfriend has a completely different type of woman he wants...and I get it. It's the same way with almost everybody else, but I have absolutely nothing in common with his fantasy girl...well, other than the being female part. Usually, your partner has at least one attribute in common with your fantasy...
These are the things that at least I think are wrong with me: I am too tall, too heavy, my breasts are too big, my voice is all wrong, my hair is off, and my face in general is just completely wrong. If anything at all, I'm the type of girl you're friends with and you might even consider marrying, but not really one you want.
Sorry, I don't mean to put myself down... I feel especially bad because I promised someone I consider to be very close to me that I wouldn't insult myself, but this just completely overcame me and I don't want something as stupid and silly and vain as this to eat away at me.
So, I would also like to apologize to this close friend of mine for writing this message. You can always lecture me on it later. I'm trying to not insult myself and to not beat myself up, but it's just so damn hard...especially now and I'm not sure why.
Well, I hope everyone is doing okay and I'll try to write a more upbeat message the next time around.
Take care everyone.
2 comments:
A man told me once that we should ask ourselves whether we could live with our fantasy person if he/she was real.
Is your boyfried close to your fantasy? Why should you be close to his fantasy if he is not close to yours?
Besides there are so many fish in the see - fantasy fish and real fish - there will be one for you just the way you like it!
The problem isn't you, Bettina. The problem is the incredibly damaging trajectory of fantasy images that are out there. We are coached to see certain things as better or more worthy of desire, but those things are so often predicated on truly discriminatory concepts. We literally need to tune them out, to refuse to accept them. They are not about us or true to us. They are imposed on us (for profit, for white supremacy, for misogyny, for heterosexism, etc.). We have to start, at least, living as if we were already free from them, engaging with each other on our own terms in creative ways, defining attractiveness for ourselves. When you see parts of yourself as "too" this or "too" that, it's in comparison to images that have nothing to do with you, with who you are, or your potential to relate to others or how they will relate to you. Pardon my language, but fuck that. We are so much more diverse and real and beautiful than any overdetermined image of what "beauty" is. And anyone who insists on clinging to narrow aesthetics isn't good for us, no matter what else we might like about them. That's my two cents.
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