Breaking point (not for the sensitive or overly optimistic)

Yes everyone, Bettina is depressed. Again. This would be no surprise, if my depression weren't so bad this time that I just wanted to lay down and die. *gasp* Yes, I used the d-word. Before anyone goes into savior mode and calls 911, let me just say that I've been suffering from depression off and on (mostly on) since at least the age of 8. So, do not panic (I'm not worried about most of you, just about the lone Christian mother who might accidentally stumble across this blog, and think that she can actually help someone like me).
At this point in my life, actively trying to end my life is too exhausting anyway. However, I won't be doing anything to stop my death either (sounds weird, but you spend some time living my life and then you can come back and talk to me about how it went for you...who knows, maybe you're able to live my life better than I currently am).
I am currently living in a house filled mostly with people who aren't aware of and don't even care how their actions and feelings affect everyone else. Everyone else gets mad at me when I point out the bull**** that goes on in this house, but then I'm also supposed to be happy all the time. I was raised to speak my mind and be honest, but nobody likes it when that happens. However, people like it even less when I don't say anything or lie. So, here's my solution: Give me a script because I am a great actress. I am great at portraying other people, but I obviously suck at being me.
I can see why people get drunk or drugged up because right now, those two seem to be very viable options, and they're looking better with each passing minute in this hellhole.
My brother's a whiny bitch and drama queen, who's way too damn lucky for his own good. My sister, even though she has matured quite a bit, can't decide whether she wants to be nice or bitchy, and she was like this before she managed to get knocked up. My sister's boyfriend is also a bitch, who thinks this is his house, wastes my sister's gas and money, is disrespectful (particularly towards women), and thinks he can get in a pissing contest with me just because we're the same age. As for my dad, oh my dear sweet dad...it seemed that he was finally able to mellow out, until recently that is. He very recently fell back on a very bad habit by threatening to move back to Texas. Why? Supposedly because he hates this house (I'm guessing it's more that he hates the people in this house, but he would NEVER admit to that) and because he was angry about how the house is or is not cleaned up. For once though, I wasn't there when this happened (I was in Chinese class at the time), which is weird because if you ask the majority of the people in this house, I am at fault for everyone's problems. Here's the issue: As much as my dad thinks he cleans up, he does more complaining about it.
Since at least three people have threatened to move out, here's what I have to say: Move the hell out! Stop talking about it and do it. If you supposedly earn so much money that you can afford to threaten people with moving out then you do it. This applies particularly to my siblings. Now, as for my dad, you're not a damn kid. You're a father of four (even though you only had to raise three), you're married, so you can't afford to just get up and leave, and even less to talk about such things.
As for me, I would love to move out since that seems to be my only chance at what is considered to be happiness. Personally, I wouldn't know what happiness is, even if it slapped me across the face. However, I'm incapable of finding and landing a job, which means I'm not making any money, so I can't afford to move. Heck, I can't even threaten people with a move. So, if anyone has a legitimate job for me, please let me know. If you have any other solutions, please let me know.
The only person who isn't currently driving me insane is my mother. She has always been the patient and understanding one, and now she is also at her breaking point, which is kinda sad because it took her a lot longer to get there than it took me. I feel bad for her because she has to suffer through all of this. I'm sure that if she knew 100% that she could get another decent job (or a job period) in Germany, she would just move back there. I'm sure my Oma would enjoy getting to see my mother on a regular basis again.
In many ways, moving back to the USA is the worst decision we, as a family, have ever made (aside from the fact that my parents had three children because I think that that was the beginning of the end for them). I don't completely regret it because of all the wonderful people I was able to meet and befriend, none of whom I ever get to see anymore (no thanks to overwhelming stress and depression and a complete lack of money). However, I also had friends in Germany when I left. People I still miss, but since, in addition to the reasons why I don't see any of my American friends anymore, my German friends have more friends who they are much closer to elsewhere, I highly doubt that my absence was and still is much of loss to them. Thinking about this, I do believe that this also applies to my American friends though... It just seems to be easier to stay physically present in the lives of, well, at least some of my American friends. In addition to that, I could have gotten my degree for a lot less money in Germany than here, and I believe it would have been easier as well, especially considering that I lived and could have studied in Heidelberg, which is known for its medicine and language studies. I would have also been skinnier and healthier. Healthcare would have cost less. I could have had more of a social life and been more independent. I probably could have also had a job by now (who knows with that one though...).
Anyway, enough with the rambling and venting. All that is left to say is that I'm done playing nice, I've been done being way too damn patient for quite some time now, and that with the way my life is going, death will ultimately be an improvement to my life and welcome reprieve to me in general, so the sooner it shows up, the better.
And if you didn't like this post, just remember that nobody forced you to read this.